I am so glad I found this board, thanks. Let me tell you my story. My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married for 14, high school sweethearts. We have 3 boys, 10, 7 and 4.

4 weeks ago, he told me that he had been having an affair with a colleague for the last 11 mos, I had my suspicions but like lots of people, was in denial. I am devastated, but want to try and work it out, he was surprised, figured I'd kick him out, maybe hoped.

Anyway, he agreed to counseling and we have gone twice, she is pro-marriage, but the hitch is, he is not truly committed either way, "torn" he says. He says he loves her and wants to be with her. The therapist keeps saying that this will not work if he can't committ, she is right of course, but how do you make someone committ?In the first 3 weeks, they had some contact, email etc, but have had none for the last 9 days. Every few days, he breaks and says he wants to leave and be with her, we have a big talk about how we can change/work with the psychologist and he stays. I think that he is truly torn.

I truly love this man and want to save my marriage, but don't know how to do it alone. He has been seeing a psychologist himself for the last 18 mos (how an affiar happened during this time maddens me). I am scared to death about separation/divorce/custody the whole thing. I keep hoping he is in the "withdrawl" stage, but am I deluding myself? He swears it is not "romantic" love with this person, that they truly understand each other, have not felt this way with anyone else etc.

I am going a bit mad here, am trying so hard to be patient and keep showing my love and affection, but I also feel like the other shoe may drop each day.

We live in a very small community so I have not told anyone except a friend in another state. I start seeing my own therapist on Thursday. Any support or advice would be great.
Thanks

Sorry you are in this postion. Many, many of us are here to lean on. Everyone will suggest that you read Surving an Affair. You can snoop around on here and find what is referred to as the "fog". This is what your husband is in.

from my understanding, it is the "ideal image" of the other woman. no responsibility. when they are together, they only have fun, no worry about bills, children, chores, etc.

more experienced posters will fill you in on the details, but look for Plan A, and Plan B. Read as much as you can, as it will help you to understand what is going on.

Also, let me warn you that the consensus on here is that many marriage counselors are more harm than good. Don't be afraid to get a second opinion. Dr. Harley does phone counseling, which comes highly recommended.

Don't make any decisions until you settle down. Most people say 6 months.

Dr. Harley repeatedly states that reconciliation cannot work until there is No Contact between WS and OP, and the WS has gone through withdrawal. The worse of withdrawal lasts around 3-4 weeks, but the WS often has feelings for OP long after. Until he has overcome his addiction to OW, he won't be able to sincerely commit.



He may be, for now. As noted, withdrawal takes longer than 9 days. During withdrawal, the WS may succumb to their cravings and desires, and recontact OP. If they do, they must start withdrawal all over again.


Lies, all lies.


Change that. If OW has a hubby, tell him. Tell your WH's family and close friends.