My WH has had no contact with OW since Sept 22 (as far as I am aware) I have been doing plan A since July 27th on and off because of the continued back and forth with OW. Since Sept 22 WH has been fighting himself to be home. He is happy one day and the next a mess and angry and treating me like I did something wrong. He wont talk to me and when I force him to talk its not good. I did get out of him that he feels he has lost him self. He says he knows I am giving my all to make our marriage work but he doesnt know what he has to give. He says he doesnt know anything anymore. He feels he has a chain attached to his ankle drowning him in bottemless ocean and he cant find a way out. He says he hates the way his life is right now and the person he has become but doesnt know if he can change or if this is just the person he is. He agrees I dont deserve to be treated like this and I deserve his effort but he just cant bring himself to try. I have gotten to the point that I am having a really hard time sitting here being nice and biting my tongue when he comes home and just goes to bed and doesnt even acknowlege I exist or help out with anything. Saturday was my bday and he did nothing at all. Not even a card or a hug. NOthing. I had just had it so I told him I am trying my hardest but I cant be the only one. I cant keep going like this. Its getting hard for me to not get angry and blow up and I dont want to get mad. We agreed he needed to leave the house to figure out what he wanted and what was going on with him. Once he finds himself again he can come back and work on our marriage. We had talked about him staying at an apartment at his fathers church (would be free and no lease) til he clears his mind. He obviously cant do that when he is home. When he is here one minute he wants to work on us and the next, he is saying things to hurt me. So today I get a call from a friend that he is trying to rent an apartment at her building....I feel that is a more permanent thing. He was just telling me today that he hopes he wakes up SOON and realizes what he needs to do to fix all this and that when the mearky water clears that he will see that we are what really matters. So why get into a lease and make us struggle financially to have his OWN apartment?

First, PLAN A CANNOT be on and off. It has to be ON 100% of the time! If your WH has days where he is in a mood, you MUST be on! It is hard but you need to do it.


HUGE mistake. Never force conversation. Work on PLAN A, talking will come later. Every time I tried talking to WW it turned bad...EVERY TIME. Don't try. It will turn into LB's.


This is a mistake. How can you make deposits into his love bank if he is out of the house? You need to work at this under the same roof. If he is moving out, you may as well be in PLAN B. It also gives him the freedom to continue the A, which he WILL do.

I know that I have not done plan A properly. I have to say its the hardest thing to do. For the past 3 months, I have been working on plan A, I do not fight with him but he will shut down and get nasty towards me and I cant kiss his rear when he is like that. I just tell him he has to pull himself out of this and treat me with some respect. He is a very angry person and he doesnt do well under stress. I try to be there for him but he will start a conversation then get mad and not want to continue the conversation. I leave him alone until he calms down and comes to me to talk. The time I forced him to talk was Saturday, it was my birthday and he had planned for a sitter and to take me out and him to get off work early for this. He canceled the sitter and made it known he only came home early cause his boss made him. He did nothing for me. I didnt expect much just a hug or to go out with the family to eat dinner. He conveniently ate lunch late so was not hungry and I had to figure out what to feed the kids when we had planned to go out. He didnt even help out with the kids that day. Just went up to bed and took a nap. Then watched tv while I did everything. He was really nasty to me also. So that was my last straw, I didnt want to blow up so I told him that we needed to talk about what was going on with him. He didnt want to talk,so I talked and asked him to just listen then. He told me he is not still having A and that he would not ever try to contact her cause he realized she is not someone he could be with (saw her true colors) but that he really didnt know if he was cut out to be married. He feels he needs to be alone for a while to see if he can find himself again. He says he knows he loves me and wants to be able to put the effort into the marriage but cant while he feels this way. so we decided it was best for him to be without us for a while to see if he could do some soul searching alone. we left on very good terms and he is thankful that I am supporting him through this.So its not like I am kickign him out. Its just we realize we are not doing good by him beign here the way he is and he doesnt know if he wants to fix the marriage or not. He says he doesnt know what he has to give anymore. I believe he is in a depression but he wont admit it. So I guess its plan B but not a complete plan B. He is just a very hard person to do plan A with cause he will push and push til he gets you to blow up. There is no way to talk to him with out him taking it as a LB and him reacting nasty. He has always been the type that wants to be left alone completely and not bothered when he is going through something.
If you read my other posts, I should update that his A has been exposed to everyone now.

There is no question that doing a true PLAN A is hard for a BS. If you can let him see that no matter how nasty he gets, it will not affect you, you may see positive changes in him.

I can only speak from my experience with WW. I was shut out. Her emotions were off, she was ice cold and she was "numb". I had never seen anything like it. I would try to talk to her, even when she didn't want to talk. That always went bad. I tried common sense and logic, pointing out all the reasons to work it out. Strike two. Then I learned about PLAN A/B. It was 100% on me and 0% on her. Totally unfair. I would have to gauge her mood and proceed based on what I saw. If she was in a bad mood, I would be pleasant but stay away from her. I would clean the garage, garden, whatever. If she was in a good mood, I would spend time with her but NOT be smothering. I would NEVER bring up relationship talk, OM or anything like that. 100% of the time I had to appear positive. Never let her see anger, disgust or annoyance. After 3 or 4 days, her wall was starting to crack. I remember thinking that is a few days worked, a few more days should help even more and it got easier as time went on.

I know you have been trying to PLAN A but you really need to do it and be 100% on, not 90% and slipping. A good PLAN A is what will give PLAN B a better shot of working if it gets to PLAN B.