I found about 1800 text messages and alot of phone calls in June of this year. I confronted my wife about it and she freaked and said that they were just friends. He is an acquaintance of a friend from her bowling league. She then drew stone cold and said she needed time to think and moved into an apartment saying she was done with our marriage. She fully furnished it with everything, taking nothing from our home except her clothes. After about three weeks she said she was totally done and was saving for a lawyer to get a divorce. She has totally refused to talk to me, our pastor, a counseler, or anyone about us. Before I found the text's and cell calls she had been doing anything and everything to be away from home. We have a 19 year old son, 10 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old daughter. We have been having the kids with me for a week and then a week with her since she moved out. She has no problem with giving up her days with the kids if she has something else she wants to do or if I ask to have them do something with me on her days. I take them to church on sunday morning, sunday nights, and wednesday nights every week. Our son lives with a friend's family since she moved out and doesnt really talk to either one of us now. It's just our girls that we our sharing custody with. She stopped wanting to go to church regulary around the first of the year, although I had gotten a little lax also. She has refused to go since I confronted the phone calls, even the our ten year old begs her every week and prays in front of her for God to bring her home. She told our 10 year old she isn't allowed to answer the phone at her apartment. We went through this same thing about four years ago, before both of were saved by the blood of Jesus Christ. She was even teaching sunday school up until a year ago. I know she thinks she's not in love with me anymore and thinks she can't be happy in our marriage. Athough she won't talk to me about any of this, I know she thinks I try to control her and that's true when I see her start to run. We didn't really fix any of our problems after our last seperation and we both reverted back to the way things were when she left 4 years ago.

I guess I have these questions to ask.

Can she be acting this way and not be having an affair?

Would it really do any good for me to find out?

I have been helping her with finances and cooperating with her like a loving, respectful husband should and leaving it to the Lord. Is this the right thing to do?

I have not called or talked to her about anything other than the kids in about 2 months with no changes. Is this the right thing to do?

I have a friend with Family Life ministries who has offered to send us to marriage conference for free in about a month. How so I get her to go?

Sure, but she's not. I am sorry to tell you she is having an affair.


Yes, you are more likely to save your marriage if you have the true facts about her affair. If the affair is brought out in the open, it has a much greater chance of dying. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer.


No, you are essentially financing the demise of your marriage and family by doing this. You are making it possible for her to carry on her affair by giving her money. You are financing the AFFAIR which is not in any of your best interest.


It is unlikely you could get her to go while she is in an affair. And as long as she is in affair, it will do no good.

Sorry you are here, but you made it to the best place and I don't believe that is an accident.

Have the kids been introduced to any men?

Do you know his name? Is he married?

No, the kids have not been exposed to any men that I know of.
My ten year old daughter tells me everything that happens when she is with my wife. In fact I just got off the phone with my daughter, telling me good night. My wife got our son to babysit with the girls tonight while she is bowling. I gave my wife a book about saving marriage the first week she moved out and it has been sitting in her entertainment center in the same spot since the first time I picked the kids up there. I noticed it was gone sunday when I dropped the kids off so I asked by daughter if she saw my wife reading it or saw it in my wife's bedroom and she told me no and that she is not allowed in my wife's bedroom. I asked if my wife had actually told her that and she said she was in there awhile back and my wife told her she better not be in there. How sad is that?

hope, your first order of business, IMO, is to find out the truth. You can do alot to save your marriage if you have the truth about what is going on here. Can you have a PI watch the place on the nights you have the kids? You need the OM's name and address and marital status.

Yeah, I know who is and where he lives. He is married and has high school age children.

I would check out the bowling alley, first to see if she is there, and then to see who she is with.

Let me explain why this is so important to confirm. If your wife is having an affair, it is a huge threat to your marriage. If you can help hasten the end of the affair, you will have a chance to save your marriage.

In order to ruin the affair, though, you need to confirm the FACTS and expose it. Exposure is ruinous to affairs. Affairs are addictions much like narcotic addictions. I am sure you have noticed some major fogginess in your wife, such as rewriting of history, etc. Exposing the affair is like bringing in a crowd onlookers into the crack house. It ruins the high and forces the crack heads to have second thoughts when they see the disgust and horror on the faces of others.

Exposure is your best weapon against this affair.

Hope, her apartment needs to be staked out. I wager you will see him there.

She is not going to do anything at the bowling alley. She bowls on one of my childhood friend's mothers team. I don't really have a chance to check on her except to hire a PI. When she was in the running stage when she was still living here, she was going to play bingo alot and I did drive by there a few times and her van was always there. But He lives pretty close to the bingo hall.

hope, can you get a PI?

The best way I know to save your marriage is to a) find out the truth, b) execute the best Plan A you can.

95% of affairs die within 2 years upon discovery. So if this is an affair, the affair is doomed. Your marriage has a much greater chance than the affair. But we can help you do everything to kill the affair, and to situate yourself in the best possible position [legally, emotionally,financially] until it does die. 15% of affairs do die in Plan A. Others take longer and the betrayed spouse has to go into a dark Plan B.

Here is Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

It just feels like stalking to me to spy on her. What would I do if I did find out she is having an affair?

It is SPYING, not stalking. This is your MARRIAGE, Sir. She does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you and your children behind your backs. You have a RIGHT to know the truth about your own life, and have an OBLIGATION to find out so you can protect your children.

This is information you need to know in order to save your marriage. This is information about YOUR LIFE. Your family is under assault, SIR, and is in need of your protection.


Come back here and we will help you lay out the best STRATEGY to save your marriage. The strategy would be as outlined in the carrot and the stick i posted above.

I have been doing the carrot part very well, except a few relapes of asking for a hug a few times. I do tell her I love her everytime we speak also. Is this wrong? I wrote her about a four page email to her about two weeks ago, explaining pretty much everything that I have done wrong in our marriage and those things are definatly true. In my opinion it would have made most any wife melt with how much it came from my heart. I also emphasized the things that we both need help with, either in this marriage or a future relationship. She hasn't responded or even acknowledged that she even got it. I told that I didn't beg her to marry me and I wasn't going to beg her to stay with me and that it was all in her hands. She came from a divorced family and had alot of problems with it, I think even to this day. I just can't fathom her doing the same thing to her children. This makes no sense to me at all.

hope, it takes both carrot and stick. Have you noticed your wife does not seem herself? Does she seem like an alien? Are her eyes DEAD?

How much does a PI usually cost. I can't afford much right know since I am having to pay everything at home with half the income, including the babysitter, $135 a week, which she says she can't pay because she can't afford it. Her apartment that is the same a month as our house payment and the digital cable, and the new computer, and the tanning every week, and every other full blown expense she has taken on since she left doesn't give her anything left to pay the babysitter, which is my neighbor and I can't refuse to pay every week.

Oh yeah, this is a woman that wrote me emails on a whim saying that she just wanted to say how much she loved me and that we have three wonderful children and that she couldn't and wouldn't ever ask for anything more, less than 10 months ago. She even stood in front of our whole church congregation last December and thanked God for me and our family and her church family in tears. I had a heart cath. done about the time she moved out and she emailed me and told not to worry about the kids that day or the few after because she would keep them even though it was my week to have them. She did come to the hospital after I told her she had to be there in case something went wrong and a decision had to be made.

I would hire a PI to watch her on a night that he is likely to be there.

I would also suggest you stop giving her money and ask for support from her to pay the bills. She can't just prance out on the family bills. If she won't pay her fair share, then file for legal separation and force her to pay her share. You don't want to give her any money or allow her any access to your credit cards, stocks, savings, equity lines, nothing.

It is common for waywards to plunder family assets and wipe them out in pursuit of an affair. I would strongly suggest you get your assets protected and her OFF any joint banking or cc accounts. I cannot tell you the times a poor unsuspecting BS has been wiped out financially by a WS he said "would never do that!" Your wife is out of her mind if she is having an affair .

I with you that she's out of her mind. Whether she is having an affair or not. I can't see how anyone, especially a mother, can look into the beautiful blue eyes of your two daughters, and say I'll see you in a week, and never even say call each night when you go to bed. Half the time she doesn't even answer her phone when I tell them to call her each night before they go to bed. Should I confront him or his wife about this?