Hi,
First time posting, so be gentle!!

Here's my story..

A little over two months ago, I suspected my wife was having an affair. Six months after the birth of our baby, she had started to become very distant.. spending lots of time on facebook and her phone and starting going out with her friends.

Normally I would not find this very strange, however compared to how she is normally I could see this wasn't "normal" so my suspicions were aroused. I should point out that my wife had a hard up-bringing with a really poor relationship with her father and her mother, she was brought up by her grandparents who offered her respite from her homelife. she moved schools, had a serious medical condition which affected her self esteem. Recently that medical condition has taken a little more managing, and although her relationship with her parents has improved an awful lot, both of her grandparents died recently, so she has felt quite alone (her words)

A few weeks went by and she told me she no longer loved me as she should and we were over. At the time (I'd not read any of the online advice) I went into overdrive trying to "win her back".. At this time I did realise there were some things in our relationship (esp concerning our new baby) that I wasn't doing as well as I should have been - so I took steps and have corrected those. I'm by no means perfect, but have made enormous efforts to get things sorted.

A few days after making this announcement, she went out for the evening and was putting on her make-up etc - I casually asked her where she was going (i.e which area of the town etc for which clubs) - she told me she was going round a female friends house. Although I knew who she was talking about it seemed odd she would go to such lengths to get ready just to go around someone elses house.


She went out early, and after several hours I hadn't heard from her - as it nearning midnight I messaged her phone to ask if she was ok and should I wait up.. I didn't get a reply.

Around 2 in the morning she came back in a taxi and was pretty drunk. As soon as she came back she went straight to the toilet and was in there for some time - talking on her phone.

I asked her went she came out what she was up to and she was no commital, saying she had just been on the toilet...

She then went to bed, drunk...

I knew something wasn't right, so I felt I had no choice but to check her phone. I found messages to and from her ex-husband. These texts were not explict but were very "cosy" in nature, and in places exclaiming that each felt the same...

I should point out at this stage that this man, is a person who had had at least two affairs whilst they were married, had left in serious financial trouble and had in fact messed her up so badly she sort medicial help and nearly had a break-down.


I rushed upstairs, woke her up and demanded to know what was going on and was she having an affair. She denied everything stating they were just friends etc.

As I didn't have definite proof of her infidelity I had no choice but to accept her explaniation. I let her know I wasn't happy she was talking to him because of what he did to her. I told her I didn't mind her talking to anyone else in the world, including any ex's who she a good relationship with, but not him.

She would not agree nor disagree...

That was several weeks ago and since then (without her knowledge) I've continued to checked her phone and her PC using a keylogger and I could tell something was not 100%...


At one point I learnt they were planning on meeting up, however due to reasons I didn't know - it was cancelled. I did think, from reading some of the stuff she was typing that it was her that had cancelled this meeting and so I thought I'd nipped this potential problem in the bud

Up until yesterday I had learnt that she was still checking out his profile on facebook virtually every day, and she was telling her friends she was still sad. She was tellign people that she was trying to make a go of me and her and that she could see I was "trying so hard". Sometimes she would tell people things were getting better, sometimes not.. At no point was she talking things through with me, and she didn't/doesn't know I have all this extra info. Also, we don't argue or fight and agree on pretty much everything regarding things to do, how to run the house, look after our baby etc.

Although I wasn't happy she was still checking him out, I consolled myself that as she had cancelled the meeting, she wanted to fix our marriage and she was just looking and her feelings would fade with time.


However, at one point (about a week or two ago) I found that was in fact HIM who had cancelled their meeting. I find that she is almost begging him to contact her and although it doesn't mention any affair activity it is obviously more than friends..
This put a whole new spin on things, as I could see that she was still pining for him, and it wasn't that she hadn't wanted to meet him - it was him who'd cancelled.


This put my head in a bad place as I felt that no matter how much effort I put into the relationship, at any point he could come along, click his fingers and she'd be there.....


I tried to put it to the back of my head and move on with repairing our relationship... Over the next few days, weeks, things got much better, and although her moods were up and down, she was at least talking to me and telling me things about how she was feeling (about her medical condition, her grief over her grandparents etc)... Things were going great until last night.


I had actually stopped looking at her online activity in the recent days as I felt we had passed the worst part.. however last night I was in the middle of taking the programs off the PC when I saw what she was telling one of her friends. She did the usual thing of saying how I was trying so hard etc,.. however she also made reference to the fact that things were easier now that this ex was out of the picture and how she couldn't believe she'd let him back into her life again...


Again, not solid proof but it did confirm that they at least were more than just friends...


We went to bed...

In the middle of the night, I find she can't sleep so she goes onto the PC and is typing to her friends...

In the morning, because of what I read the previous night I felt I had to check on what she had written..

I find a message she had typed to this ex exclaming how she couldn't believe what a fool she had been to let him back into her life again and how much he had hurt her etc... It also made reference to the fact that she couldn't believe how stupid she'd been that she could have caught something and risked getting pregnant (i.e I read that that means they had unprotected sex).... she then wished him well(???) and said goodbye


My heart sank - it appears they did meet, and thinking back, I can think of perhaps one-three occasions during a two week period this may have happened. It also appears they have been intimate at least once...


I thought went I read that I would go ballistic and throw her out of the house or leave myself, go round and confront the ex etc..

however I didn't feel any of that.. in once sense I felt relieved that I'd found 100% proof of the affair.. but I didn't feel I needed to say anything to her..

I'd pretty much already acccepted they were having an emotional affair and that it was over, and we were moving forward with fixing our marriage... I don't feel angry, sad - anything.

the only thing I think of now, is that if in the future were are ever intimate again (at the minute her medical condition means we can't - but that will be sorted again very soon), I can only think of him touching her...


One side of me thinks I need to confront her with this info, but then the other side thinks - what is the point...

the end result would be to forgive and move forward with the relationship - something which we have already begun to do.

I have also found that he has messaged her, and although I haven't managed to read the whole message yet, it does appear that he is telling her, it was just a one off etc and she should stop bothering him.


The way we are together now is 90% of the way we used to be before all of this happened, minus the intimacy.. and if and when that does come back and I don't know how I'll react.

At this stage I don't see any reason to tell her, and I'd still feel the same and it would just set us back on our recovery road. However I do feel that some of her mood swings are down to missing him and/or feelings to guilt towards me.. something, which if she knew that I knew, she would perhaps be able to better manage.

but at the same time my heart has sank...

I know whatever I choose to do is my decision, but does anyone have any comments on my situation?

thanks

MTM

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you've found us.

It would be a huge mistake to just sweep this all under the rug and pretend nothing happened. You need to calmly confront her with what you know. She will be furious that you were checking on her, but will get over it.

Luckily you have started changing and winning her back. Stick with us and we will help you recover from her betrayal.

ok just read the contents of the message he sent to her -

he has recently changed his status on facebook to show he's in a relationship.. and some of my wife's last message to him made reference to that fact - something along the lines of the fact that she didn't believe he wasn't in that relationship when they had their fling..

his whole reply to this was two lines and simply denied he was with this girl at the same time as my wife..

his last words where "you don't have to believe me - it's just 1 on them thing x"...

not burning his bridges but at the same time saying to her "I'm in a relationship now"..


what do I do on the back of that? - I was hoping for something more awful (as bad as that sounds)

MTM,

So sorry you're going through such a difficult time. You've found a very good place to be under the circumstances. Your situation is not at all unique, it is textbook. That's not meant in an ugly way, it is meant to be comforting: there are hundreds of people that post on these boards and they've seen thousands of situations *exactly like yours*. Listen to them and they can help you.

First of all, get a copy of that message where she says she could have caught something or gotten pregnant. Put it in a safe place. Don't mention to her that you have it, or how you got ANY of your information. Just keep it somewhere safe "just in case."

Secondly, expose the affair to anyone that has a strong influence over your wife and the other man (OM). This would be: her parents, her siblings, her best friends, his girlfriend, any children of theirs that are old enough to understand what's going on. Do NOT tell her you're going to expose Do NOT threaten to tell. Just do it, and do it all at once.

Exposure is not meant to punish her, or to make her friends and family pick sides. It is meant to shine the light of day on the affair so that the affair dies a quick death. Your exposure message (written or spoken) should be short and to the point: "W is having an affair with OM. I'm committed to improving myself and repairing this marriage. I'd appreciate it if you could support my W and me as we go through this difficult time."

Do not trust that the affair is over. OM may have a fight with his girlfriend and hit on your wife, knowing she's an easy target. Your wife has NO reason to resist his advances right now. If the affair is exposed, then she will have lots of eyes watching her, and she'll feel guilt and shame at resuming the affair. Note that exposure is no guarantee the affair will end, but I'd bet money that without exposure the affair will resume.

She'll get REALLY angry when she finds out you've exposed, but she'll get over it. She'll say things like "I was ready to end the affair and work things out with you but now that you've acted like that there's NO chance for us." and (one of my personal favorites) "How can I ever trust you again?" Expect it. The bigger her reaction the better, because it means exposure has had an impact.

Thirdly, you're doing a pretty darn good job of changing your ways and meeting her emotional needs (ENs). I encourage you to also read up on love busters (LBs) and make sure you eliminate all of them.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.