Hi guys, WW and I were separated for 4 months earlier this year. She came back to me in Australia in May this year and no contact with OM in England lasted about 7 weeks. Then he called at the weekend to say he is visiting Australia in November. We have been back under the same roof for a total of 20 weeks now. WW has "broken up" with OM several times to try and "work things out" with me.

I am about 99% convinced now that my marriage is over. W has not sent the email like she said she would to say it's inappropriate for such a meeting to take place, saying that it's "not necessary" as he probably "won't come" (whatever). He's also moving back to Eastern Europe where he was originally from soon.

I was made redundant from my job yesterday and haven't been able to perform well due to these ongoing issues in my marriage. W and I had "the talk" yesterday evening and she's acknowledged that she is not "in love". I asked her why it's so hard to end the marriage like everyone else does and she said "it's not just about love. It's also about friendship and companionship". We are so close to each other and never tire of each other's company. I just don't understand. WW seems so reluctant to actually instigate a divorce or to ask me to move out of the family home. She says things like "but then we would never see each other again" etc.

We go to all of her family functions together, sign cards as being from each other, have sex several times each week, meet for lunch during the day and go away on trips together. What is all this about? Why can't she just quit me?

Frankly, for WW to meet up with OM to "show him around Sydney" and have a proper goodbye" next month is a deal-breaker. Staying in the home would be approving of what she's doing. I think that one of us has to have the courage to turn off the life support machine of our marriage and that the responsibility falls to me. I have been hanging in there for 10 months now because I love her but we have no kids or a house and I am wondering whether it's really worth the trouble - painful though it is.

Is it normal not to be "in love" with your spouse after and during an affair? I have said to my wife that it's for the best if we get a divorce, even though it is aboslutely not what I want - I love her more than life itself. She then says "but it's so serious; it would be so sad...". She says it's really hard to love me because there are so many layers of resentment for all the bad things I've done in the past.

I am at my wit's end. This drama has been going on for 10 months now and she hasn't been "in love" with me all year. Why does she want me in her life?

I feel I will be leaving these boards behind permanently before too long and will be trying to heal from some very deep trauma.

I think it is time for Plan B. First you need to get another job. If you can't deal with your situation, get on some meds.

It sounds like you are meeting MOST of your wife's needs, and the OM is meeting her fantasy needs. Knock her off the fence, BEFORE he comes to Australia.

GH:

Sorry you're going through this. I really don't think it is over unless you want it to be. Ask yourself, DO YOU LOVE HER? It sounds like she is waffling big time. She doesn't know what she wants. She THINKS her fantasy life with OM will be a fairy tale but at times she knows it would be a mistake. My WW did the same thing. "It's over, its too late" then I get a call at work from her asking if we can work it out. Byt he time I got home from work, she didn't want to work it out anymore.

If you have put on a strong PLAN A, I would agree that a strong PLAN B is in order. If you go into PLAN B just before the OM visits, it will give her time to see if OM can fill the EN's you have been meeting with a strong PLAN A. Another option is to PLAN A until the OM's visit is over. Make it harder for her to spend time with him by being around. Then after he leaves, start PLAN B. I am not sure which way would work best but either one requires PLAN A, no LB's and no DJ's until PLAN B starts.

GH,

I think I am going to sort of take a contrary approach. Your marriage is OVER. Why? because she is still in the affair, she is in contact with him, and will be in contact with him when he shows up.

Comments such as are telling you she wants her cake and eat it too. She 'might' come back to you and grace you with her presence IF you are a "good little boy" and don't make much of a fuss over this, and especially when she flies to Europe to meet with him sometimes or he comes to see her. I mean she does need her support while she is busy focusing on the OM doesn't she?

You closed by asking
To support her habit for OM, and because you are a habit. It seems to really be that simple.


GH, this is Hotel California, you can check out but you cannot leave. Seriously hang around here and continue to talk.

So what have I told you? I have told you it is over for your marriage, right. Sounds like I am telling you to quit doesn't it? NOPE!

Here is the deal. Others have suggested plan B I agree, but it will really do you no good until you CAN and WILL walk out if things don't change. You are playing pot limit poker here, and you have to be willing to go home broke before you can play at your best. The woman you love is NOT the woman you are married to, and until you understand that, you really don't have much chance of making this thing work.

You have been at it for about a year now. She is still playing you. Time to step back from this table, take your chips, and start a new game. Plan B is it. And yes don't be afraid of losing her, she is GONE. The person left in her place is someone that looks like her, but is very selfish, has no empathy except for what might hurt her, and is in love with someone else. Would the woman you married treat ANYONE like this woman is treating you??? I doubt it.

Focus on getting a new job. Go to plan B with consultation with your lawyer about plan D. And let her lover meet her needs. YOu don't want this woman. Perhaps a better version of her will show up, or if she does not, you will find a woman that actually loves you.

Nothing changes until something changes. It is time you change the game.

God Bless,

JL

JustLearning,

I have to agree with you. I just snooped in W's Facebook account and found this message to one of OM's friends:

Hi,
Yes I am the ex-girlfriend of OM but we may be getting back together soon. He is coming to Australia next month and I will be his tour guide!
He is very excited about flying on the new Singapore Airlines jumbo jet - it is the largest in the world.
All the best,
W

I think this tells me everything that I need to know. Plan B/D has to be it but honestly, I think the marriage is over. I have no idea why my wife wants me in her life and seems reluctant to get a divorce but this is one pathetic excuse of a marriage. It really is a joke.

Because you have allowed it.

GH,

I think the plan is clear and the data obvious.

God Bless,

JL

Time to expose to everyone and then go to 100% plan B ASAP. The more time WW has to be on her own before the OM arrives the better.

I'm not so sure about this.

I would tend to try to make it impossible or at least very difficult for her to spend any time with OM. If his arrival was months away perhaps Plan B right now would wake her up to what she will be losing. But she thinks she can have both her H and OM and removing her H from the equation pushes her toward OM. It gives her someplace to run to and so she will likely run.

Make it easier for her to do what is right than to do what is wrong. Make the wrong more difficult and the marriage more attractive.

For her this time with OM is a test. She will try to use it to ascertain whether or not OM is the one for her. She will spend the time with him as he vacations and life will be relaxed and idyllic. By comparison, marriage will look oh so boring and unsatisfying. By the end of his trip she will be ready to leave with him because she will be fully addicted once more. She only remains addicted because she has contact with him. That is why the marriage is not getting better.

JMO

Mark

100% dead on.

How old is your WW? Have you exposed the A?

GH,

Your WW is cake eating on a global scale.

Sitting on the fence, hanging with you, but dreaming about OM.

I take it OM is single. And can jet set around the world when the spirit moves him?

Your WW will not break contact. (no NC letter because he probably won't come anyway???)

How can you force her to break contact??

How can you force OM to break contact??

People have asked if you have exposed the A. Have you exposed to people that can influence or shun OM if they knew?

As long as she keeps in contact, you marriage is not a marriage. I am sure you know that.

Are you the breadwinner?? Do you keep her in the style of which she is accustomed? Maybe that is why she doesn't want you to go. You provide her the comfort and lifestyle.

OM must have some commitment issues.

IMHO

kirk

Right now you are Hotel GH until he arrives. Free room and board then she goes back to the UK. Confront immediately!!

Sorry, but eff her. She likes sex, companionship, fun and obviously you. She says in her blog or whatever that she is getting back together with the OM?

To the left to the left.

Life is not a game. Your heart and your happiness and soul deserve better. Much.

Met with W again for lunch today. We held hands as we walked around the mall - much like we always have done.

She says divorce would be such a sad thing to do and that she would miss me terribly. I told her I think I am holding her back by staying in our apartment and she said "why do you say that?". I said I give her some things but that since there is no love it won't really do for us to stay together.

She has asked if I am looking for a job and I honestly don't know whether to look for one in Sydney or go back to England where my family are - that would be final and we would never see each other again.

W hates the thought of us never seeing each other again. She has said things to the effect of she "doesn't want to be with me or without me". She has said she wishes I was such a good husband before as I have been since she got back but that she cannot get past the resentment of all my past mistakes in our 9 years together. She sais she finds it incredibly difficult to try and feel love for me. She even said something deranged like "we should have a platonic marriage and forget about love" and she just doesn't "feel the same way any more" - too much resentment. She admits she probably still has feelings for me buried under the layers of resentment and that she would miss me terribly. She would be "lost" without me and that being without me is a "weird concept" and like going through a death.

My word, I just don't know what to do. I am at a total and utter loss. She knows I am thinking about moving out.

I even confronted her about the blog and exposed this planned meetup to her father who lives with us. A little anger at first and then it was as if nothing had happened. Her father thinks her behaviour is an utter disgrace.

Help. I have some decisions to make and I have no idea in the world where to put myself. I want to save this marriage and W supposedly doesn't want to be without me. What to do?

Hello GH, sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It must be so difficult. This sentence stood out for me in your piece. (sorry, not sure how to do the quote boxes) "I told her I think I am holding her back by staying in our apartment" Please excuse me if I'm being harsh but this gives me the impression of 'weakness' and I think that's what she is probably thinking - 'nice but weak'. This is what I would do but feel free to ignore as I'm not exactly a shining example of how to conduct a wonderful marriage. I would stop apologising for being there and continue to live in the apartment with her but I would start giving the non-verbal message 'stay or go, whatever, but I'm going to get out there and have a good life regardless of what you do.' Start looking for a job but don't ask her opinion about anything to do with it. Start calling up friends in front of her and suggesting social things to do with them. Call them up afterwards and say what a good time you had and that you'd love to do it again. Be strong and show her that you have every intention of having a good life and that if she wants to be a part of that life then that's great but if she doesn't then that's fine too.

Definition of insanity:

Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

Pack your stuff and go to England. Stop sharing your wife.

James Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough" or "Strong" - something like that talks about showing your partner what they would be missing. Women do not like weak men. We don't like domineering ones but we don't like weak ones.

What do you want?

If you want her, tell her she needs to choose. You need to be a good, stron husband. But, she needs to know she chooses you or OM - she can not have you both. She needs to write the NC letter for YOU to send - if she chooses you. If she chooses him, she needs to pack it up and get out.


All that is my opinon. There may be others with better ideas.

GH,

""she cannot get past the resentment of all my past mistakes in our 9 years together.""

Fogbabble, because the contact is still there. She cannot get past it because she DOESN'T WANT TO GET PAST IT!! This give her the twisted rational to keep in contact with OM by re-writing history to suit her.

AND IT IS A DISGRACE!! And that she is so nonchalant about it portrays a very selfish, self-centered, uncaring, "all about me", type of princess.

A dark plan B with you going to England would make her either realize what and who she had with you, or if she does not follow, then you have your answer and your new life ahead of you.

Your sitch is very similar to another bloke from UK, but he was in Japan (Scott, I think). His WW was living with OM there, but would come around Scott and tell him how much she missed him, etc. and then go back to the OM!! I think he finally had enough and went back home, but never came back to the MB boards to let us know.

""W hates the thought of us never seeing each other again""

How do you feel about it?

Here again we have an betrayed spouse that is in the middle of an unending soap opera. So used to the drama, that you don't remember how peaceful, happy and loving a "normal relationship" actually is.

""She admits she probably still has feelings for me buried under the layers of resentment and that she would miss me terribly. She would be "lost" without me and that being without me is a "weird concept" and like going through a death.""

Anything to keep the room at the "Hotel GH".

IMHO

kirk

Hi again guys,

Yes. I have been on the phone to my family in England and it is now obvious to me that my self-esteem, confidence and ability to function has been compromised tremendously. I agree with your comments about having become "weak". Earlier on in the marriage I was an alpha male to a fault. In fact, I would even say I wasn't ready for marriage because I have been guilty of committing every single Love Buster known to man, for years. I hurt my wife greatly in the first few years of our R. However, I have owned up to it and taken full responsibility for everything I did wrong - but she has no wish to get to work and rebuild. She is waiting around for me to "start her heart" but absolutely nothing I have done which previously would have been wonderful has worked.

So, this is the plan. I will speak to the Harleys at the first available opportunity and get some counsel. I am very certain it will be Plan B if I want to save the M (which I do). I cannot decide just yet whether to stay in Sydney where I have been for 9 years or go to England (a foreign country to me now) where my family are.

W came into my room and smiled at me this morning, then got into my bed and hugged me really tightly. I jokingly and playfully asked "are you sure you don't love me?" to which she replied "I like you very much GH31 - you are my bestest friend". She was happy to kiss me on the lips and cuddle more. She said "I don't want to think about divorce or breaking up because it's so distressing". I am off with her to her sister's house tonight.

Somehow this all feels wrong. I don't have to put up with this anymore. I have many, many regrets about how I behaved in our marriage but it's getting obvious to me how weak this has been making me and I know I need to protect myself and get out of there.

What to do jobwise? Stay in Sydney (probably the best thing if I want my M), go and stay with family in England or take up a job that I have been offered in Germany which starts in January?

I am grieving my W and our M as it used to be. I am overcome with grief and articulated this to W and she said she is very sad too. She said last night "we could have been so good together - even now. I wish you hadn't done all of those bad things before". She has also said "it feels like I have been with you my entire life GH31".

That's where I am at. It is time to act.