well, looks as thought the clouds are comming over again.

Gambling update:
her debt from the gambling/shopping is still unresolved, however she did go months without gambling until recently. Nothing big, but she has gone to the casino 2-3 times in the last month. No huge losses, as she doesn't have anything left to use (at least not that I know of), and I think i can handle this anyway.

reason I am here again...

i was surfing the net with my ma the other day, and noticed my wife has yahoo messenger installed and running.
i clicked on it to close it, (i assumed maybe it just, well i dunno what i thought)
anyways, when the window popped up, i noticed she was signed in under one of our daughter's name (she is 2 yrs old, and not too computer savvy yet )

then, i noticed that was a friend request "pending" for the same guy from germany we had the issues with that she met during her trip to the dominican a 2-3 yrs back

at any rate, i did some snooping, figured out her new email / password and found out what was going on....
and from what i gather, this about sums it up...

sept 25th - wife emailed OM to say hi and thanks for the picture from spain. Mentioned "wow, you have long hair now, i must get you an updated pic of me" and "nice to be chatting with you again"

so, this guy likely mailed a picture out of the blue, and she wasnt able to resist responding i guess.

it also appears that he has not replied to her email from 2 weeks ago. but she has definatley been checking.

my problems with this:
1 - she responded, knowing the relationship with this guy nearly ruined our marriage before (several times)
2 - shes hiding/lying (new email/yahoo, didnt tell me he contacted her, didnt tell me about picture
3 - it appears she is wanting to continue the contact, even mentioning sending him an updated picture
4 - I have not been "snooping" or keeping an eye on this crap for over a year, i thought it was over. here we are again, even if this guy never responds I am still just crushed.


now, there is one very odd thing about her email that leads me to beleive there is a chance she is intending to be upfront about it with me...

In her email she asked him if he was on facebook. So, if she wants him to go on facebook, I would see interactions between the two of them (well, i would atleast see that they were "friends") and she knows this.
Maybe shes planning a "look honey, this guy found me on facebook and wants to befriend me, is it ok with you?"

one other thing,
the day before i found this out, i remember using her phone to take a picture of my mom who is visiting, and I recall a very odd reaction (possibly concern) on my wifes face when i had her cell phone.

More likely she'll simply create a new profile for herself on Facebook to become friends with him, a profile that you won't know about.

I think you know in your gut what's going on. Listen to that. You really don't need us to tell you.

I would not react or do anything to let her know what is up just yet. I would continue to monitor everything. Once she knows you are aware, she may get sneakier and make it harder for you to find.

i guess what im asking here is,
if this guy never responds, and it just goes away... what do I do?

dont i need to be concerned about "why" she can't resist contacting him even tough it requires being dishonest to me?

sometimes i get a deep feeling that I am wasting time?
i sometimes worry that all of this may be for nothing, and we may just give up in 10 yrs. meaning the next 10 years is a waste.


so, if no further contact occurs, do i take any measures, confront her? or keep an eye out and let it go for now?

or do i say the hell with it and go into all her email accounts and put him on an ignore list to ensure he cant contact her (she probably wont figure that out, but she might)

ps:
she might suspect i know about this. i sign into her yahoo a cpl times a day, and if she is signed in at the same time it will kick her out and tell her "you have been automatically signed out because you are signed in on antoher device/location"

to be honest, i dont care if she sees that. But it might be fueling a fire. If shes casually checking to see if OM is online, and notices shes been kicked offline because someelse could be logged in (me) lol, she will likely get mad before she'd get concerned.

NC means NC, period. Since you know she is using your daugther's name on IM, then she was probably going to use it for a new facebook profile as well. Sorry you are back in this position.

Yeah, what H&S said.

She's lying to you - both overtly and by lies of admission. She's being deceptive. She's emailing the OM. Whether he responds or not, she's attempting to rekindle the relationship, and that's a BIG no-no.

Stop making excuses for her, although I can understand the desire to do so.

She still wants to have an affair. If OM is out of reach, she will find someone closer. Assuming she hasn't already.

Listen to these folks and act accordingly.

Is the keylogger connected already?

i agree, NC is NC. and i agree she may try to use a second account for facebook as well.

ok, so NC has been broken, and she doesn't know that I know...


what now.

quick question,
i know none of you are lawyers, but i figured some of you may have had this situation...

My wife currently has $14,000 in credit card/loan debt to which the majority originates from gambling. None of the loads or cards have my name on them,,,

so, am I right when I say that I would have no obligation to pay any of that debt in the case of separation/divorce?

I remember reading somewhere that if the debt was not used in a manner that benefited both of us, and if my name is not on the card, then I am not obligated...

Sorry, don't know about the credit.

But wanted to say that, if you decide you want to stay with her, would you want any kind of marriage in which you both aren't completely honest with each other? If you have to resort to being just as sneaky as her, and even then won't feel safe, what kind of marriage do you have?

Are you in a 50/50 state? That might make a difference. I don't know if credit cards do the same thing as the IRS..The IRS has a form to fill out for the innocent party when one spouse is delinquent with taxes and hides it.

The fact that your wife is returning to compulsive behavior at the same time she's resuming contact isn't a good sign. Have you thought the two behaviors coincide? Sometimes some addictions/compulsive behaviors are can lend themselves to poly-addictions (I think that's the word.) Someone can be addicted to porn and alcohol, for instance. Or people who don't resolve one addiction/compulsive behavior (dealing with the underlying issues..not just abstaining from the behavior) can turn to another addiction to cope.

no, the gambling and other behaviour have not coincided.
and theis behaviour with OM wouldnt have happened if he didnt mail the picture from germany.

remember, NC is important for several reasons, and one of them is to eliminate the "urge" for the WS. She did this (finally), but he has now contacted her.

Our life seems to be as good as its ever been, and I have stood my groun with not bailing her out on the debt. however it has resulted in her stressing over it a great deal, and lack of money does not help with someone trying to stop a gambling problem as "lack of money" and the rush are the #1 contributing factors.

I am a lawyer but that might not mean much since I don't practice divorce law and I have no idea what your states laws are let alone which state u r in.

That being said...

I think you are right from a liability to the credit card company standpoint. If you divorce...they can't/won't come after you if she defaults on her credit card debts.

However, if you divorce...I would imagine the Divorce Judge assisned to your case would have discretion to divide debts of the marriage as he/she sees fit and, based upon your statement above SHOULD not deem her individual credit card debt as a marital debt that you two are jointly liable for. Discretion is a funny thing though. If you file for divorce and she was a SAHM and you were the bread winner AND the judge saw that there was no way she could pay off such debt he/she COULD still call it a marital debt but simply reduce her division of the assets elsewhere. For example...if you have $40,000 equity in your home and she should equitable be entitled to $20,000 of it, the judge could say...Husband keeps the house AND assumes the wife's credit card debt in the amount of $20,000...case closed. Of course, if the situation were reversed I don't foresee any judge helping a husband escape such debt in any manner. Sexism is still the rule...less so nowadays but it happens.

In conclusion...I think in most states in front of most judges you are right and won't be responsible at all for her individual non-beneficial to the marriage debts BUT BEWARE.

Mr. Wondering

As far as what you should do about the contact.

I'd throw out or remove the home computer and directly confront the situation.

Mr. Wondering

Well, i have no idea when this guy sent her a picture, I am assuming just before the time she sent him an email, which was sept 25th.

since then, i have seen no outgoing or incomming mail or yahoo messages.

however,
she has moved up a notch and has been sending him text messages.
i beleive i found a total of 3, 1 every few days, last one oct 12th.

it appears as though she is chatting with the guy, although there is no definitive prrof that this guy has made any contact with her.
theres no text messages from him. that would suggest that either he isnt responding, or she is smart enough to delete his messages but not quite smart enough to delete her own from her sent box.

she has not created a new facebook account.


i keep asking myself..
why would this guy send a letter/picture to her after 1 1/2 years of no contact?

oh, and for anyone who read my previous posts, my wife has now stopped taking meds for her bipolar.
everything seemed better until now. shes been off meds for 6 months, her pdoc doesnt want to "file" her case just yet because he is concerned she may crash.

whether or not this behaviour has anything to do with bipolar is beyond me now. as a matter of fact, it doesnt matter. Bipolar or not, how am i ever going to be comfortable with trusting her?

i had most of the trust back, then wham!

Have not confronted her yet.
And i am out of town all of next week.either i confront and leave town for a week, or wait til i get back.
either way, whats going to be happening while im gone. bleh

first time this happened was march 2006, then again several times over the next 6-12 months. finally no contact after that until now, almost 1.5-2 years later.

question...

if it turns out that she has infact made a few attempts to contact him in response to him sending a picture/letter, and lets say he never responds, I assume I should confront her anyway?

i checked her cell last night and nothing.
OM still has not respond to her "add" request on yahoo messenger
Her new email still just has the 1 message to him in the sent box, and no sign of anything else.

the only thing i found that suggests he has responded is a message from him in her "saved" folder on her cell phone, but the message is blank.
other than that, the only suspicious thing ive found since, is that yesterday she visited a translation website. She uses this site to translate his messages, as he speaks only german.

i get the feeling that once i do find concrete proof that they are communicating, im going to blow.

everything else seems normal.
got home from work and she sent the kids downstairs and rushed me into the bedroom for some quick SF, then bought me a gift later in the night (CD).

the 1 email and 3 text messages that she has sent him dont seem to be "responses" to anything.

Last time we went through this crap i installed a keylogger on her pc. Im thinking i should do this again. I wish there was a cheap way to have her ingoing/outgoing text messages logged somewhere though.

It drives me nuts that there is a picture of this guy hidden in my house somewhere.

Something popped into my head last night as well,
i remember screwing around with her phone, taking pictures of my mom last week. And I also remember the very odd look my wife gave me when she saw her phone in my hands, and the somewhat snotty "what are you doing?".

it was the next day that i found out about the OM.

Do the keylogger tonight, and set it up to send to your laptop, if you're taking one with you, so you can monitor remotely.

Yeah, you're going to have to confront her. You'll never survive another year of marriage like this, let alone the rest of your life.

It it were me, my one requirement from her, one that I would personally monitor daily, is that she take her bp meds every single day. No questions.

My D18's best friend's mom lost a huge job as a store manager for a national chain of superstores because she went off her meds and kept having meltdowns. She's in her 4th one this year, and most days she just never gets out of bed. They're having to sell their house cos they can't afford it on his salary alone. And the kids have to curtail all their activities so they can stay home with her in case she does something.