I'm sorry iam, I haven't read your thread if you have one. I'm finding this so difficult, how do I tell my Ds what is going on?

I'm being a fool to myself to let WW carry on as if nothing has happened, we even went grocery shopping this morning as usual. I'll let you know when I grow some kahunas.

Hi Phil,

Jeez, my guts are roiling reading YOUR update, never mind my issues.

Somewhere here there is a post that says "How I Found the Truth" (by me) You might read that over.

The upside is, she revealed that she doesn't want a divorce. So that is leverage. My W didn't want a divorce filed with adultery details.

It was simple for me, I said either you answer my questions (about continued contact) truthfully or I'm filing tomorrow AM with an adultery complaint.

She gave me some answers and swore up and down they were true. I said, ok, I believe you, thanks for the truth, just want to go with you to get a polygraph test in the AM, already arranged it, then I'll drop the D.

Then she changed all her answers. I had the truth and went back to the OM's W with them.

Listen, bud, it doesn't matter what she says, really, you have the truth now. Enough f'ing around.

I can't tell you what to do, leave, expose, file, move, but the reality is.....you will have to do something in the near term or it will eat you alive.

I am there. In two months I've: thrown her out three times, forgiven her three times, dropped all her belongings at the OM's house, let her back in, had sex 3-35 times, let her sleep in the master bedroom, kicked her down to the guestroom, been on anti-deps, been off anti-deps, been the perfect husband and father, acted like a homicidal lunatic to where she was terrified of me, stalked the OM's house, had four phone conversations where the OM was bawling in terror, did Harley MB counseling, quit Harley MB counseling. Been weak, been strong, Plan A'd, Plan B'd planned to Plan D.

So....what the heck are you listening to me for :-)

She is still in the house (guestroom) and we are up and down emotionally, but if I had an inkling she was in contact it would be Plan D, and I really believe she isn't (now that both her and OM are assured of bloody murder by me).

Talk to that lawyer again. The situation is intolerable.

Just sit them down and explain the situation.

Expose everyting at the school.

I know it's hard. I'm terribly sorry but if you let this sickness continue, it will fester and your daughters will be poisoned.

There is nothing wrong with the truth, even when it is ugly.

Good to hear from you Mike Of course she doesn't want Plan D, in part of the conversation 'overheard' from Thurs she says she's got it good here, why upset the apple cart at the moment? She said so much it would take me about an hour to type it up.

I said I would file for 'D with adultery' to her and she still stuck with the same story. She knows I've taken advice from a lawyer, but that didn't seem to bother her. I also said I would like her to take a lie-detector test, she was gobsmacked at that. I said not in a 'Jerry Springer' kind of way, I'm sure it can be done privately. She didn't answer but moved away from me. Actions speak louder than words!

So yes, I think I have the truth and it's my version of events, not her fairy story. I will take further advice from the lawyer and yes, the sit is intolerable. She will go completely 'dark' here at home and in the car, so I'm guessing she will contact OM at work in whatever way. She's there 4 times a week now so it would make sense that she has secret cell there as well as make-up, change of underwear and perfume, which also came out in DVRing.

At least you're at NC eh? Good luck

Thanks iam for your reply. I keep going over and over what to say to Ds, tweaking a bit here, a bit there. It's not like I'm going to read them a speech though, it won't be rehearsed and I'll just fumble through it I s'pose. I spoke to a good friend of mine earlier tonight, he's good with words and gave me an outline of what I might say to Ds. Maybe I'll post the basic points I need to put.

W knows that at the very least she has to give up P.A. and yet, when I came home tonight and was looking through a few files, she has typed up some notes for AGM next week, and for a school disco in 3 week's time! There is a function on Thurs that the P.A. will be attending, if she has any ideas of going to that, even if it is with Ds, then she will be undermining everything that was said last week.

Phil,

Did you see the marriage counselor skit on Monty Python? End the British understatement.



God Bless
NJ

Cheers NJ made me smile, not quite that bad!

I went to the gym as usual this morning, didn't really fancy it, but once I got there I enjoyed it. W was at her 'friend's' house having reflexology. Got a text from her while I was at gym asking if I'd like her to come down for a coffee after my session. I replied 'If you want to' but she replied 'No, do you want me to'. So I said yes and bring a t-shirt as I had forgotten to take one.

What should I have said? I see it as Plan A'ing by saying yes and trying to meet ENs or should I have said no?

I thought I had been Plan A'ing but now I'm not so sure. Do I start one now or is it too late for that?

Your only plan at this point should be to expose the affair.

Phil, did you really need to overhear your WW's conversation to come to the realization that she doesn't want a divorce? Of course she has it good there. She gets to [censored] another man, come home every night and go about her business as usual. She gets the both of both worlds and you are the welcome mat.




All wayward crap I bet.

Phil, there is no "good" way to have this talk with your Ds. You could spend a million years changing this or that until you've analyzed it to death. Sit them down when your wife is not home and without all the gory details tell them you have been trying to save your marriage and keep their home intact but SHE is not willing to do the same. Tell them you love them, you love their mother but you can not continue to subject yourself to her cruelty. My children are much younger than yours and telling them the simple concept of good people don't intentionally or thoughtlessly continue to inflict pain on other people was simple enough for them to grasp. I told them I know they loved their dad but his actions weren't that of a good man; he has hurt me, his kids, and other people with his selfishness. All they know of OW is that some bad lady doesn't care about me or them and is trying to hurt our family. You on the other hand have OM at your Ds school so I would reveal this. Is your D subjected to contact with OM at her school? If so, that would be reason enough to expose this pronto.

Keep it simple. Your Ds will be hurt but they can understand the basic concept without going into all the details. Let them know they can ask you questions and come talk to you whenever they want. YOU will always be there for them.



**sigh**

Phil, your wife isn't undermining anything. She has never ended her affair. Wake up!

Yes and no. He works a split-shift, I think it's 6.30am-9.15am and 2.00pm-6.30pm or something like that. He used to work on school gate in morning but I'm not sure if he does now. He does at hometime at 3.25pm.

D15 knows he is the problem of our troubles but not to what extent. I've tried talking to her before, but she doesn't want to know. D13 is very happy-go-lucky and does not know the extent of our sitch or who is the cause.

D15 came home from school today and is very excited that she has been picked to show people around the school tomorrow for their Yr6 intake evening. OM will be there for sure as he locks up at the end. W then said she will not be going. Then went on to say that P.A. will not be there as they don't want to go if she isn't going. How pathetic! When girls were outside I asked W what she had said to rest of P.A. as to her reason for non-attendance. She has told them she is working late and can't make it, well that's what she told me anyway. I know others on P.A. know sitch with OM.

I can take D15 to school tomorrow, but it depends what time it finishes to pick her up. It must be me really unless one of the other mums can bring her home. I don't want W to pick her up that's for sure.

Hi Phil,

Like my amazing similar situation -- janitor at the school where my W worked -- I think you just have to decide the situation is intolerable and tell her that.

She is a cakeeater -- getting needs met by OM and needs met by you. She will lie her A$$ off to keep that happy situation. I was AMAZED at how my religious little W lied to my face even after totally busted on facts.

I had incontrovertible evidence and so do you. Who cares what they say at this point?

I think your tolerance is done for Plan A when she is still in the affair. And if you want your marriage back she has to get some respect for you, which clearly is gone.

Were I you (and I am :-) )I would decide on the list of things you want in order to assure no contact. Personally, given the fact that the janitor is an intimidating guy, I would insist on moving. You can't walk around in fear. My janitor (my janitor, ha!)has to mop up his own pee everytime he hears my name.

As far as moving, of course you don't want to for the girls' sake, but which is really the bigger threat? Breaking up the family and/or living miserably, or getting a fresh start?

If you can't do that, you have to have a list on no contact demands, letter, quitting the PA, staying off school grounds, access to all communications, whatever, maybe stopping contact with some of her friends, who sound like sleezes. You have to remove all contacts who will support/aid a continuation of her contact.

Most importantly, you have to be ready to walk. She has to believe that a lie or a contact means D.

She knows how I feel, but it's my own fault for letting things get back to 'normal' so quickly. We haven't filled out an ENQ or anything but I can't see what needs he is meeting that I'm not. Now I don't know when she is lying and she isn't. She didn't shout and scream when she 'got found out', she was very calm and just said 'Yeah, I just made it up, it was a fantasy purely because I was bored'


For sure, respect has gone big time, but how do I get it back?


I'm not scared of him as such, but if he found out I'd spilled the beans to the school or his GF he'd go ballistic. But I'm not going to be forced to move from the area which I've lived in my whole life because of him.


Even though I think she now has ways around contact i.e. at work, quitting the P.A. will be at least a start, we shall see. She knows I cant access anything she does at work, her locker etc. so I'm guessing that's where she now keeps her secret cell, which she still denies having. I can check her regular cell, but it's easy to delete messages, calls etc and especially incoming, there is no trace at all even on the bills.

I'm sorry Phil but WTF is wrong with you? I feel like I'm standing here watching someone being raped.

How can you possibly live like you do?

It's bad enough knowing my wife's actions in the past but if they continued one effing second after d-day it was the street.

I'm sure no one agrees with me but I would toss her a$$ out.

You are not alone.

You don't know how many times I've asked myself that question. If this was someone elses thread I'd be thinking the same thing.

I think it's fear.

Fear of the future without seeing my Ds every day.

Fear of losing my W who I've loved for nearly 23 years but now has turned into some alien who will lie to me as soon as look at me. She talks of our future together, getting the garden just as we want it, yet all I can think of is 'Is she going to contact him today?'. Will my old wife ever return? I don't think so. Why do I still care about her? I don't know.

Fear of being financially down the crapper. House prices are falling like no-one's business over here and work is getting slower. I'm over 20% down on last year so far. I've strived hard to get where we are and to lose this house over something that I haven't done makes me very resentful.

It is the fear.

If you continue on this path of total inaction you might as well pull up a chair and get the best seat in the house to watch the destruction of your marriage and family.

Your current plan of fearful inaction and false hope assures that what you fear most will all happen. Only now it will be even more painfully drawn out and ultimately more destructive due to your choices.


By standing up for yourself and your daughters now.

You won't see them if you don't TAKE ACTION NOW!


She won't return if you continue to sit idly by while she continues her affair.


**edit**

But you can just console yourself with your bank account. That should help raise two good daughters!

To fix things I moved 2000 miles and took a 70% paycut. My wife, children and I have never been happier.

Go ahead, let your fear paralyze you. You've got that deer in the headlight stare. Guess what happens to the deer?

Phil,

How did the talk with your teenaged-daughters go, informing them of the A and that you're fighting for your marriage?

LA

This is not productive, in fact is just mean spirited.

You wonder where the moderators are...