OT, sort of.

I see something interesting here.

Mel is chairing an AA/NA meeting in a very rough part of town. (What we called The Zoo here.)

LB is sitting in the back of an all woman’s Al Anon meeting in the suburbs.


Major difference in approach, huh.


Mel, your knuckles are showing. You may be totally right. But if you can’t compassionately help 25 then leave her alone. For your own wellbeing, you know.

These posts are not advice. They are proselytizing - with sticks.

25,

Thoroughly examine your conscience.

These posters can’t examine your conscience for you.

They have neither the proper tools nor the right.

They cannot take care of your business for you.


What would you want if one of those other families were yours?


With prayers,

PS: I do believe you run a high risk of becoming what you fear: married to a dirty old man. But he has to change that. You can only get out of his way. Which includes getting out of the way of his deserved consequences.

I disagree. I think that many of the OW in such situations are more "turned on" by sleeping with a married, older OM who's in a position of trust.

It's sooooooo much naughtier! Tee hee!

I disagree with your analogy, Aphelion. I have never been in an AA meeting in a rough part of town, but I have been in Alanon meetings. [all of my meetings were rural/suburban] And in Alanon meetings they don't tell people what they want to hear. They don't go out of their way to help them feel good about being bad and that is exactly what LB is doing here.

Even so, this is all irrelevant because we are not at an AA meeting, but on the Marriage Builders board.

The fox is in the hen house and instead of encouraging this woman to do the right thing, LB sends her off on some fools mission to read archived posts. Sorry, but that is not my idea of "compassion," especially since her H is already onto his next parishioner.

Compassion is telling someone the TRUTH, no matter how unpleasant, and that is my PLEDGE of compassion. TRUE COMPASSION. Just saying nice words that some wrongdoer wants to hear at the expense of the truth is FAKE "compassion." Nor does it demonstrate "compassion" for this mans numerous victims.

25,

All abuse is devastating but SPIRITUAL abuse is particularly heineous, in my opinion.

Your H is leading a church with a dark secret that colours everything he says and does - and his followers are being led down a potential path of destruction.

I wish I could say the words that would make you realize how much pain my family went through because of a sick church with sick leaders. There was adultery, embezzlement, an insurance scam, physcial abuse (in the name of "Godliness") and more... and my family was never the same afterwards. My adult children want nothing to do with the God they once believed in because they were harmed in such a profound way.

What I want to say to you is that the abuse in my former church all started at the top - with the minister. Like all communities that have leaders, the poop trickles down and there's NO WAY this will not affect everyone in some way.

It's bad enough that the husbands and families of these other women don't know the danger they're in... it's bad enough that you're keeping his secret... but what triggers me most is the utter disregard for the souls that have no clue that they're being led by an unrepentant adulterer.

It would be another thing entirely if your H confessed to the church. Maybe one day he could lead a church again - but he needs to step back until the healing is complete - and I'm not sure a serial cheater *can* be healed entirely - it would be one day at a time, I would think.

I understand your pain but ask you to look into your heart, pray about this, and think of the innocent others who are being harmed by this secret. Time to shine some light on it.

Mel, you are reliably literal, huh. I swing back and forth. (And gentlemen hang to the left, I hear.)

Every post an escalation.

I can’t hear you, and I doubt 25 can hear you either, because it is too damn loud in here.

Yes, you write this a lot. Isn’t remotely related to what has been going on here, though, at all.

Anyway and whatever, I am heading out for the evening.

bonus nachos,

When it comes to infidelity, there is simply no soft approach that will somehow be helplful to all those involved. There is only somehow, the irrational thinking that if I don't expose, other people's lives will be spared the pain of what has occured.

This is faulty thinking. The only recourse to unfaithfullness, is complete and absolute honesty. The resuluting collateral damage is the afect of the consequence of immoral and faulty thinking that allowed the calamity in the first place.

The BH's in this sitchuation need to be told the truth. How else would they even know that their M is vunerable?

I was blind to my W's infidelity, and my eyes were only opened by my Dr, who dx an STD. Great news after 32 years of M, don't you think?

I will stand by that old saying:
[/b]

The BH's in this instance need to be informed just exactly how their M was betrayed, and by whom.

The Pastor who is supposed to be leading the flock also needs to be informed how HE is being betrayed by one of his subordinates.

What a mess. This isn't about searching archives for some nicer, more gentle post, but much rather about informing the true victums (ie the BH's) about the predator within their midst, and how their WW's reacted to him.

Certainly seems to me that someone needs to step up to the plate.
Unfortunately, it would seem to be the very first victum in all of this.

Suspect there is alterior and selfish motives preventing this, but, that's JMHO.

All Blessings,
Jerry

No time for a lengthy post right now, but I thought this scripture particularly applicable 25...


Mrs. W

Did you say something? Bonus dios....

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. 1John 3:18

Interesting read, this thread.

That is if one is addicted 2 High Drama.

I still rubberneck a little, un42nately. Am working on that.

Couple of observations:

*25 sure is getting beat up here, in general. Granted, there are some who are truly trying 2 appeal 2 her better judgment using compassionate means, but it's easy 2 shout them down, or put words in2 their mouths so it then becomes even easier 2 belittle and devalue their suggestions.

I noted several times, the suggestion by LB that 25 might find more useful advice in the archives than in the modern forum being transliterated 2 read go find nicer posts so you'll hear what you want and not what you need. And so I went back and saw that LB never advised anything of the sort - Mel simply made the choice 2 ridicule what she said by changing it in2 something she didn't say.

...and so it was easy 2 invalidate it.

Interesting tactic if you admire bullying, but entirely counterproductive, un42nately.


I also agree that 25 is handling this si2ation wrong. So I'm agreeing with herself, since that's the title of the thread.

Okay, so we agree. So what? How does that help her? 25, how can we help you improve your si2ation?

*I hear that being betrayed is worse than being raped, or worse than losing a child. I've never been or had, but gee... I can't even imagine it comes close 2 those 2 things.

Don't get me wrong, I was really hurting BAD when I found out about my W's affair a billion years ago (well, it was actually less than 7, it just seems like it happened during the Late Precambrian 2 me now). How long did that pain last? Well, the worst was over not long after d-day for me. And mostly, all the pain was gone within a year or 2. And now, in recovery, it seems ludicrous 2 me for someone else in recovery - years out from d-day - 2 compare infidelity with rape and death. Those people claim 2 be recovered, but they're more stuck than the newbies they profess 2 be "helping."

So, while I can understand Dr Harley making those comparisons - 2 a degree - I think he meant them 2 apply 2 d-day and shortly thereafter, not years after, and certainly not 2 recovered marriages or individuals.

*Infidelity isn't a crime. Sometimes, particularly after d-day, I really hate that. But it's not a crime, and so calling 25 an accessory 2 a crime by not exposing her H's affairs is just another of those over exaggerations that hurts more than it helps.

I like that: "proselytizing with sticks". 2 bad it's the truth.

Question: Is 25 a wayward, if she's such a grievous enabler?

'Nother question: Since counselors and coaches don't "proselytize with sticks" while working with their clients (WS and/or BS), why do members of discussion forums - perhaps 2 the degree that they could be best described as "enablers" because they drove the OP away by calling them names and beating them around the face and neck with ebony 2x4s, rather than appealing 2 their integrity and morality and applying some true - dare I say the word? ...compassion?

-ol' 2long

Thanks for your opinion, 2Long, however, we are not counselors or coaches here, nor has 25 been "bullied." Good grief. C'mon....

While some here are wringing their hands about whether the words are "nice" enough for their tender sensibilities, her minister husband is onto his FOURTH parishioner:


So, you can spend your time wringing your hands over the "niceness" level of the posts here, and sending her on wild goose chases into the archives, but I intend to focus on the fact that 25's silence has enabled yet another conquest.


She is helping her H hide his affairs, which makes her an ENABLER in every sense of the word. Adultery is a MORAL crime. The point is that she aides and abets him with her silence which makes her an accessory to the crime. That is a FACT and there is nothing exaggerated about it.

I do find it astonishing that you direct your "hate" towards the WORD, rather than the ACT. That seems very backwards to me.


And I hope you never do. But your inability to imagine something does not invalidate the pain of others.


I don't know anyone who would fit that description or why it is relevant so I can't comment.