Bob,
I'm sorry if I seemed 'flip' about your altercation. By no means to I mean any type of disrespect. I,too, being Christian could never actually harm another person...even though I may think about it once in a while.

That would be part of EXPOSURE..another essential ingredient in PLAN A and eventual MARITAL RECOVERY...

Would the concern be PROTECTION of the OW and Fiori's H?

What they did was WRONG..

I'm missing the need for concern about AWKWARDNESS.

This is part of the COMPENSATION necessary for Fiori's HEALING...

BTW:

I wasn't suggesting for the letter to be sent thru interoffice mail or email (if that was the plan that was stated and I missed it).

The letter should be delivered directly to the OW.

Nope, it was going certified if it went.

My H and I were talking about you last night (all good, of course) and he suggested something. I know he is just barely earning his "F" so take it or leave it...anyway, it's a suggestion.

Here's what he thought. I was trying for so long to meet his ENs but fell short. He was trying to meet my ENs but fell short. The shift came when I finally realized that he needed incentive to want to meet my ENs...in the form of appreciation. I thought I was giving it to him, but for some reason he wasn't receiving it. So he would try to please me and then would feel like he didn't do it right. This would discourage him and make him feel less like he wanted to try. I was unhappy because I didn't see his effort and felt him getting more and more distant even while I thought I was encouraging him.

He had to TEACH me how to appreciate him. He needed to feel like he could "win" with some of his actions. I learned that with MY H, he needs immediate appreciation. When he hugs me, I say right then and there "I love this." When he calls me to tell me he's going to be late, I don't talk about how I am disappointed, he knows that already. I tell him "Thank you so much for calling me and letting me know." We jokingly refer to these praises as "M&Ms" because when I was teaching the boys specific behaviors, I would often use M&Ms as a quick, immediate reinforcement of positive behavior.

What is amazing is that H says that when I tell him that I love the hug he is giving me at the moment he hugs me, he finds that he wants to hug me more. He WANTS to make me happy. He just needs to be told when he succeeds.

This is what H suggested...just for ONE WEEK...try it. EVERY time your H does something with the intention of making you happy, tell him thank you immediately. Try, just for one week, to avoid ALL NEGATIVE comments. I don't mean that if he says he's going to lunch with OW that you should thank him for telling you, but really pay attention to the things that he IS doing to try to make you happy. Let him feel like he can "win." See if this changes HIS behavior.

Just an idea...

MS

Mimi,

I was trying to be tactful for Fiori's sake...

I guess what I'm saying is...
I'm wondering the value of a NC letter if they still work together and we aren't even 100% certain that they don't talk or see each other throughout the work day (LC's posts about still interacting with her AP at work is what got me thinking about this..)

I was wondering it made more sense to hold off on the NC letter, changing phone numbers email addresses, etc, once he left the workplace.

WHAT????? A WHOLE WEEK??

Ok, I'll see what I can do. Man, Mogi, you're a party pooper!

Think nothing of it ! I just realise that a whole lot of BS would like to do what I did, and I need to make sure they realise how stupid I was and how lucky I was that OM didn't take legal action against me !

All blessings !

Understanding it's not probable, is it POSSIBLE for a wayward to continue having visual sightings of OP and remain completely committed to recovery with BS? I'm not in denial and I totally agree with the fact that H MUST get a new job....I'm just wondering if this has ever been the case. If they were still working at same company but in different area's is this possible?

Again, I DO NOT want this to be the case.

This weekend was good. It was different because of my mood. I still find this perplexing, but it did seem to work. He responded to ME and I squelched any thoughts of asking questions or saying anything negative. So, two days down and a million to go!

.I always have questions but never any answers. This morning I 'peeked' in my H's bag and found a copy of an email from OW. It's OBVIOUS to me that she has not taken the NC rule seriously at all. He is in the process of sending out many, many emails with his resume to find another job. I pray every day that this happens before I have a nervous breakdown.

So, it's obvious to me that his supposed NC stance is not affecting her at all. She is bold, she is brazen and she obviously is selfish beyond belief. H has her email blocked on his computer and blackberry. This email was delivered via another co-worker. It was familiar and it was to the point.

H...
Call me when you want to proceed with this file.
OW

The email was directly from her to him. There were no cc's no other people on email, no others involved. Oh, except the carrier pigeon who had to deliver from once side of the street to the other. Sooooooo...I DO NOT need a lecture on whether or not he's still involved with her. I'm fighting for my marriage and I'm going to do EVERYTHING I have to to follow this through. This man and I love each other....he's just simply being a real 'Richard' right now. It's obvious to me that she felt completely comfortable sending the email...just by her tone. The other worker delivered as there is supposed full knowledge that she's blocked.

Here's the question....He says he's going to go talk to her today to strongly reiterate that NC means NC. I get that everyone here thinks that since they work for the same company it's still contact. Fine, let's get past that....just help me with this issue. Is it right that he goes to speak with her regarding boundries again???? He SAYS they have not spoken in any way, shape or form since last February. Let's leave out whether or not that is believable. JUST TELL ME IF HE SHOULD GO READ HER THE RIOT ACT AGAIN????

I may go into the city and beat her to a pulp....I'm really that close!

You are wasting your time and energy until they stop working together. It is that simple.

Sure he is sending out resumes and trying to find a new job, but until he is completely away from her you may as well sit back and watch.

Have you read this thread by ML.Read My Lips: NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT

Be sure to read my 2 replies on page 3.

I feel like a broken record lately telling people how detrimental it is and a complete waste of time to be trying to rebuild a marriage when the AP's are still working together. I only wish my DH or my FOM's DW had known about MB and stopped the chaos before we all wasted 2 years.

LC

Oh and BTW, he still had the email because it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy. (he won't admit that, though)

If he really was serious about having her blocked, etc, etc he would have asked the person who delivered the message who it was from before it was given to him and the second he found out it was from her he would have told the other person he was not interested in it and to trash it.

Your H is playing games with you and you need to stop completely blaming the OW because he is also leading her on. She got her fix knowing he accepted the letter and now the cycle will start all over again.

LC

Then drop the bomb and nuke this situation now. I can't remember if you exposed to work or not, but you have to. Your H needs to quit his job now.


It's a waste of time and H will now have an excuse to see OW and you agreed to it. Your H WANTS the contact or he wouldn't have brought the email home. Why would he do that?

Thanks...but none of what you've said is news to me! Just help me to figure out whether or not he should have the strong talking to again! I don't know what to do??? I told him countless times that she would lie in wait and try to get her foot back in the door. Frankly, in my opinion, he's holding it open for her.

I get all the analogies...he has his cake and is eating it too. I really don't need that lecture. I can only begin healing when he gets out of there. But, until that occurs I need to try to get through today.

Should he or should he not have the 'leave me along' conversation again???????

Please do NOT tell me that he needs a new job. I know this and so does he. But, if you've seen the markets lately this is not really a super time for change. No excuses...simple reality. I strongly disagree that the harley's would recommend poverty right now. Just, please, help me with this particular issue before the day gets away with us.

Tell him if he talks to her you walk.

What part of no in NC are you having trouble comprehending?

Fiori,


No he should not talk to her at all no matter what. He needs to completely ignore her. Also, if someone hand delivers a message he needs to ask who it is from and if it's from her he needs to refuse it.

That is the simple answer until he can find a new job.

I really do feel for you. I know what is going on over at the office and I'm sure it is torture for the BS

LC

NO HE SHOULD NOT......BUT YOU SHOULD!! NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT and he should not have any with her, it just opens the door for more contact.

DO NOT LET HIM GO AND TALK TO HER......

I agree with the others. He shouldn't go to talk to OW. I think he should email the worker who passed him the note not to do that again and let you see a copy of it.

I don't have any lecture but a couple of questions...
I'm curious, the fact that she said she needs to speak to him regarding a work file, what is his explanation about that?

Has OW moved back into your H's building yet?

He's not...I just got a message from him. But, I got yelled at before (mildly) that NC means NC from both he and I. This means that I cannot speak to her either. So, do you break this rule? I told him I was going to come down town today and kick her A$$ but he told me I would only make things worse. Oh, you mean it can be worse????? Maybe it's his a$$ that I should be kicking.

Hmmm....violence. It's really not me but almost helps to imagine.

NO.