Hi there,

I posted about my situation before on here although I'm still somewhat new and I don't know how to link the post yet. In any case my H is having an EA with his admin. We are doing counseling with Jennifer, have read the books, done the questionaires, etc. However he is still in the fog and has not agreed to NC. He still sees her every day at work and e-mails her all the time. She goes out of the office for surgery on Oct 22nd and he moves to a new office with out her in early November so there might be some hope there but I don't know that he will ever agree to no contact and even if he does I don't know that he isn't lying about it. I am currently doing (I think) a kick a$$ plan A, both the carrot and the stick. I am meeting all of his EN's, I've lost all of the baby weight and I'm down to 103lbs (I'm only 4'10 so that's not too skinny for me). I'm dressing sexy and I have long beautiful hair that I just had recolored back to the blonde it was when we were dating. I am cooking for him and rubbing his back (his favorite sign of affection) and we are having lots of conversation, recreation and sex. I have spent a fortune on lingerie and wear it every night. (Can we say cake eating in the extreme???) I have eliminated all love busters, including all my habits that used to annoy him like being late and not cleaning up after myself. I am calm and patient and rational. I do not whine or cry or act needy. I do not smother him with "I love you". I have exposed to both of his bosses and HR at his company, his ex wife (we're all friends) his best friends (and their spouses), his other friends at work, his cousin, my parents and the OW's spouse (who already knew). No sense, in exposing to his family, they're all crazy (literally) and wouldn't care anyway. His Dad wasn't even speaking to him before this, didn't even care when our daughter was born, so I doubt he would care about this. I wanted to expose to the OW's parents but her spouse begged me not to because he is afraid that is the straw that will make her leave and run to my H. So I have refrained for now. At first he was freaking out about the exposure but now he doesn't really seem to care. And I just don't know if all this will be enough to get him to agree to NC so I am seriously starting to consider Plan B.

But what do I do? I know about the letter and I've found several drafts on here so that's no problem. And I can work with Jennifer on the letter too. But it's the practical stuff I'm concerned with. We have a 6 month old baby. We have a house with a huge mortgage that we can barely manage each month. I obviously need to speak with an attorney but I don't know if I can afford one. And I don't think I can kick H out of the house - he has already said that he would not leave and I can't physically make him. Plus neither of us has money for a mortgage payment and a rent payment. So do I leave? Is that really a good idea? And obviously I would take our baby with me but I know I need to give him reasonable access to her. I have an intermediary picked out - our nanny (who is also a friend and a minister) but how do I afford a place of my own? Can I just stop contributing to the mortgage even if my name is on it? What about the other bills? The cable is in my name and I would have that shut off when I left (let him have the hassle of having it all turned back on and reinstalled!) but the water, gas and electric are in his name. And how do I go see an attorney when I can't pay for one? Do I need to have a separation agreement drawn up in order to do plan B? And won't that just throw him into the arms of OW? (Although she is still married and right now her and her H are living with her parents)

I don't want to go to plan B and I am giving plan A a hell of a shot for as long as a possibly can but I know I need to get my ducks in a row and have a good strategic plan because I can't keep this up forever. It is killing me. Some days are ok and some I seriously just want to die. Like today. He acts so nice and loving some days (he held and cuddled me this morning and kissed me when he woke up - all out of the blue!) but I know he is feeling pressure and guilt. And I know it's all fog speak all the time. He still talks to her at every opportunity and I just don't trust him to maintain NC even if he were willing to. I'll have to see what he says when she leaves and he switches offices. Even then I don't think it's good enough. I think he should get another job and we should move away - but he won't because he has kids from his last marriage here and he doesn't want to leave them. Today we were talking about switching our cable from Comcast to Verizon and I said maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea because I didn't want to go through all that trouble if I wasn't going to be there to enjoy it. And he didn't even bat an eye. He said, "Well, no matter what happens it will still take a while for the house to sell." and I said, "Perhaps, but that doesn't mean I will be there while you're trying to sell it." Again he didn't even bat an eye. So is he looking forward to me leaving or what????

And what do I do about furniture? I've given that some thought and I will probably take all of the bedroom furniture which I bought and brought into the marriage, as well as the baby's furniture as that was all gifts from my parents. He didn't pay for any of the baby's stuff, it was all shower gifts from my friends and family. So legally I should be ok there. The kitchen stuff was all wedding presents from my family as well. He can keep the living room furniture, I don't want it anyway.


Please help me!!!!!! What practical advice can you give me so that I can craft my plan B. By the way, I haven't exposed to his kids yet, they're 16, 13 and 11 but I plan on doing so if I have to go to plan B. I've been in their lives every other day for 7 years and I don't want them to think I'm abandoning them! If I impliment Plan B I will send an e-mail to every single person we know and include my plan B letter with it so that everyone knows exactly what he has done and why I have left.

Any help you could give about the practicalities of implimenting this plan would be really really welcome and appreciated right now. I just want this pain to end today.

Sorry to keep bugging, but I could also use a little Plan A help. Specifically: According to what I have read from a lot of you you're not supposed to discuss the relationship, OW, etc. while in plan A. You're just supposed to be happy and upbeat and act like you have a life of your own and that OW isn't in the picture. Is that correct? And if so, how do I make it clear to him that what he is doing (still talking with her, calling her, e-mailing her) is completely unacceptable? He of course, does not want to talk about it and gets mad when I bring it up and refuses to say anything at all. And yes, I know it's fog speak and he's mad that I'm threatening his affair. I don't care about that. But everytime I bring anything up I feel like I'm undoing all the good stuff I did in my Plan A. I know that plan A is not appeasement and it's not that I'm afraid I'll scare him off but I guess I don't know what to say to him to make it clear that I want absolute no contact while still practicing a good Plan A. Could someone give me some examples of words I could use that wouldn't be LB's? Everytime I bring it up he says that all the good stuff I do is just buttering him up for the discussion of his A. Again, fog speak, but it's extremely frustrating!!! And I'm not sure what to say to get around it.

Thanks everyone for any help you can provide. I don't know what I would do without you guys right now!

Most lawyers offer a free 30 minute consultation. It is a good way to see 3 or 4 different lawyers to "interview" them, while at the same time getting all of your immediate questions answered.

Also, be aware that you are about to get a dozen or so responses telling you that your WH and his OW MUST NOT WORK TOGETHER. So I might as well be the first.

Yes, I know and I have already made that clear to him. He is scheduled to transfer to an office in a different location in early November. But I have told him that even that isn't good enough. I want him or her to switch companies entirely. But he has a really good gig with this job - a recent promotion, tenure, job security, great benefits, and he loves it there so he is very hesitant to give it up.

LH:

You seem to be doing all the right things for PLAN A. Right now he is a cake eater. You need to do whatever you can to break the A up. I know you have tried but keep at it. I have been following your story and admire the effort you have put forth. Keep it up!


But she is already running to your H. What does the OWH think of this? Is he on board with a PLAN A of his own?

I have directed OWH to this site. I have also shared with him the basic concepts in my messages in case he didn't make it to the site. He said he is doing his own version of Plan A and "showering her with love". Not sure if he is doing it correctly but he said he's seeing some warming up from her. He also is the one that told me to keep up with my plan A and to be the best wife I could be to WH. I did tend to agree with his assessment as I know if my parents told me not to do something at her age (and I once faced a similar situation) I would run and do the exact opposite of what they wanted me to do - in other words I think exposure is great. But I think exposure to her parents at this point would drive her right to my WH just to prove her parents wrong. She seems to be that type. Very immature. But her husband knows and her bosses know and her coworkers know and several of her friends know.

Today I exposed to WH's sister. That ought to be interesting. I have no way to contact WH's dad (his mom is deceased) but I bet that she will say something to him. We'll see where if anywhere that leads.

Also sent him information on several cruises today and said I wanted to go. I figure it's hard to call or e-mail the OP when you're out at sea. He's throwing up all sorts of foggy excuses (when he used to love cruising more than me) but I told him the baby and I were going with or without him because I needed a vacation. lol. First it was that they were too expensive - ok I sent him 4 day cruises for $129 per person. We can easily afford that. Then it's, they're not baby friendly. Sending him info about that too. It is so easy to see through him sometimes.

Oh, I know he's cake eating in the extreme. But that's ok. I can handle it. For now. According to Jennifer my behaviors are causing him to enter a state of congnitive dissonance.