T2L:

I am impressed with your post. I was not going to give my 2c- but I feel something might be missing. First, YOU are in a plan A- your kids are always going to be loving to their father. You should expect, and encourge this- no matter how much it may hurt you. It is the most normal thing (excepting cases of abuse)in the long run for them.

I teach high school. Talk to a lot of kids from broken families. The best kids sem to be the ones that have relationships with both parents that are positive. GMHO

(this does not mean kids think very poorly of parents choices--kids are way smarter than you'd think) But I would not want my kids to worry about me if my H left (They have enough to think about their own feelings.) If you show them you are determined to be happy--they will see and identify with it.

I see you focusing on him, him, him. What are you doing to improve yourself? Read any good books? Hobbies? Learn something new. Meditate, pray- walk, make new friends- remember that MB principles are based on improving yourself (not saying that you are not perfect)-- but I believe these things can help you--If your WH comes home or not--
I don't see a downside to YOU investing in YOU.

You are the thermostat. You set the pace.
You are not the thermometer. You don't react.

You are the lighthouse, steadfast and reliable.
You are not the ship, floundering at sea.

He replies don't you think that will be hard on your brother? What does that really mean?
His actions will be inconsistent now but his words will be all over the map and TOTALLY cannot be given any weight. He may say lovey things, he may say hateful things. He may just say insane things. Don't pay any of it any heed. Really. He is not himself now and he is not thinking clearly. I do think that the interpretation (Believer? Neak?) gave you was pretty close to dead on. He's putting up walls against the guilt. But you don't care, because you are focusing on you. You can't control him, can't understand him right now. So don't spend any cycles trying to.

Idk maybe he thinks we're trying to trap him and tell the OW? who knows.
You are the lighthouse. You don't care what the floundering ship is doing, you stand firm regardless. Remember?

Maybe my thank you's and admiration's emails are too much? He doesn't respond to any of them, not even a your welcome or anything.
They are NOT too much! He may go from non-response to hateful vitriol. Don't pay any of it any mind. He has put himself into a frame of mind where he cannot acknowledge the kind and good things you do, because to do so would break all his "reasons" (rationalizations, justifications) for being in the A. He *can't* acknowledge your thank yous and admirations. He has put himself into a place mentally and emotionally where that is impossible.

If he does get angry and mean, just keep on keeping on. Steady and constant. Anger would not mean you're doing something wrong. It would mean he's feeling guilty and his A-fantasy is threatened.

Really, do NOT react to him right now. Stay focused.

Man this is hard! I have no clue whats going on in his head.
It absolutely does not matter what's going on in his head. Focus on you. Quit worrying about him.

Don't make me come over there and whomp you on the head. :twobyfour:

Thanks so much for the input. At discovery the kids and I both had to kind of cut him off for month. He was insane. Angry, verbally bashing me in front of the kids, drinking all the time if he came for visits, saying retarded things to DD17 like ok you looked stoned in that baby picture or ok have fun don't get too drunk. So we stopped talking to him in the month of may. Kids resumed talking in June but were seriously mad at him. They stopped talking to him again in August because he threw a fit when he couldn't change a visit day so the kids were upset and he said tell them when they get over it they can call me. I said no way buddy, you call them they are your children. So he didn't call for a while. They have in the last 3 weeks resumed talking and visits with him. He seems more stable now and more like he used to be so I feel ok. I do monitor my sons phone calls for now just to be sure he's not saying inappropriate things.

As for myself. When this started, i did find another book called the Divorce Remedy by Michelle-Wiener Davis. A fw things I learned in it is to do a 180 and Get a Life. So I forced myself to sign up for salsa lessons. I absolutely love it and this month I will be taking 2 different workshops. I walk daily with a girlfriend in the mornings, in fact she's on route now. I go to church twice a week where I lead worship. I was determined from the get go to not allow this circumstance to not take me down that the kids depend on me and so I have been fighting to do so and to continue to live. I have done so alcohol and drug free. I do miss my H and do want to spend the rest of my life with him but that's not my choice so for now I'm momma and a proud one.

Did I mention ya'll that I need to be whomped on the head?

I am a straight forward shoot from the hip tell it like it is type person with no holding back. So this is stinking awesome! Everyone here is just like that. I can only receive from people like that. I don't like beat around the bush it's a waste of time.
YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!!

I am going to read your last post daily, I think I may print it out. I don get moved a lot at things around me. But I like it, steadfast, reliable and don't react.

Ooh! If you love Salsa, you should try Belly Dancing!! I started Ballroom dancing in February or so--(Latin as well as American, we do it ALL!)--and I decided to just check-out belly dancing on a whim.

Ohhhhhh.....it's GREAT!! And something you can do in the privacy of your own home and of course if you are married you can do routines for your husband.

It really keeps you in great shape!! Plus--you start to carry yourself differently. And posture? Oh, ROCKIN'!! Works better to make you aware of your posture all of the time than your Mom telling you to "Stand up straight!!"

LOL! My WH-Gray didn't know a thing about it until we had to go back to court in May. My Shiny Attorney brought it up when I was on the stand...then the judge did, too! Never thought I'd have to stop myself from bursting out laughing while on the stand in a court of law...but that's exactly what DID happen, by gum!!

And I KNOW that gave HIM food for thought!!

There are some really good videos, too, but it's a lot of fun to be in a class with a bunch of tittering women!! LOL!! They DO get serious after a while, though.

Charlotte

Well actually I have been wanting to try belly dancing. I'm gonna do it! I'll start looking a for a class near me.


My posture could use it too! I love learning new things. I want to take a gourmet cooking class, to that would be lots of fun! I've always wanted to learn more about wine too. There are endless possibilities!

I wanna be your friend in real life.

Any woman that says "y'all" and "this is stinking awesome" and takes salsa lessons, well that's my kind of people.

I'm totally not brave enough for belly dancing lessons, though this belly sure could use them. Charlotte is an inspiration.

I've sure had a good laugh too, once I could assure myself that the next time WH came over the car was NOT going to be in the garage, engine torn to bits, sink full of water with scrunchies stuffed down the pipe, lawnmower blades hacksawed off, a gaping hole in the living room floor, and EVERYBODY IS BLAMING ME!!!

My laughter is certainly covered for this week. Funny thing some when I had him over here over the weekend, both toilets were not flushing correctly and one started leaking...LOL I swear I didn't do it! Now that I know I'm going dark on the 31st I'm going through house so I don't have to much to worry about trying to fix.

BTW I am reading your story Neak, I'm only on page 2 so far. Back in a bit....

Neak has a wonderful story, it will knock your socks off. She went head to head with the evil OW. You won't believe it.

Loving your story Neak, I'm reading away back and forth all day while I'm trying to get things done around the house....Man yo are the woman of steal!

Hey Neak ,
Just wondering, on a scale of 1 to 10 and 10 being the worst, How stubborn would you say your H was pre-A?

I'm reading your story. My H is very very stubborn. He told DD17 a few days after discovery that, "your mom knows I'm risky and I don't care I'll risk everything and I don't care if I lose".

I'm comparing, I know I shouldn't as all cases are different. Just a wonderin

Alright my homies(that means home gurlz or home boyz) that so ya wanna hear the newest?? You GOTTA read because I am confused, not really, but kinda. Well, DD17 has had swollen tonsils since Monday. Took her to doctor get prescription. Didn't get better got worse, she went to ER last night. H say well why didn't you call me? I say well you have to work early and we didn't want to wake you. He says call me anytime. DD17 and I look at each other were like ok whatever.

So DD17 been just hanging out at home today resting. Guess she texted her dad this morning and asks him to stay over so we can drive to Disneyland together and so we don't have to drive home late and tired just her and I, unbeknown to me.

So I just got back from picking my son up from school and DD17 says mom come here. I say whats up everything ok? She says well dad just called me and he said(okay are you ready for this??) he's just going to get us a hotel room so we don't have to drive home and moms just letting me do all this stuff and it's all happening too fast. Umm can someone tell me what is happening too fast? LOL.

I just let him come over and work like a dog at the house, made a few dinners, said thanks for the help, offered a few invitations to come a few places with us and sent a few admiration's via email. I say well I'd rather use the money for something else and just drive home but thanks for offering the hotel.

I would guess maybe about a 7.

I'm super-stubborn, but fortunately for everyone around me I'm also very placid and easygoing so it doesn't show much. I give plenty on most stuff, but if you hit the stubborn, boy that's it! (In case you wondered, during his A he hit the stubborn. :MrEEk: )

What do you guys think about what my H said today, weird huh? what's happening to fast?

He thought he was done with you.

Now, thanks to Plan A he is conflicted, and feeling drawn back home even while the evil alien hormones race through his veins. Confusion!

And it all happened so fast. :RollieEyes:

I am pleased that your possesions are safe from being excuses

As far as the comment by WH, it sounds tentativley hopeful...you have been doing an awesome plan A...if OW is just cruising on, thinking she's got her man and being more relaxed...or the laugh of the other day actually meant sometinhg.....

Just shut it up in your heart as a possible tempory fog clearing.

Remember, NO expectations.

On another topic, I planted some sunflower seeds today and thought of you and your 'garden', especially when Flick came out just after and asked if they had sprouted yet

Awe now when they bloom you will think of lil old me! Whoo whoo!

I have no expectations for tomorrow except for maybe having a stinking rotten amazing time with my lil ones!

So I just sent H a text message saying where to meet the guy to pick up our tickets(got em off ebay and wayyyy cheap!). And he responds okay and asks if the kids are excited. I say we are all stupid excited and we can't wait. He says me to and go to bed(its almost midnight here) and I say you know me too well, last minute packing I'll go to bed in 10 minutes I promise. Then guess what he says?? Goodnight!(HOLY COW!!!) I say nighty night!

Anyways, I can't believe he said goodnight. So I'm off to bed.

So everyone say a prayer I sow some good emotional needs seeds on good ground tomorrow and I eventually get to reap reap reap!

I'll tell Mickey, Minnie and the gang that my Marriage Builders friends, mentors and support say "Hey Ya'll!"

Tune back in on Friday where our story begins again and with out commercial interuption...Hee Hee okay I'm tired.

Our thoughts are with you. It is an awesome day in SoCal. Hope you have a wonderful time. But remember, no expectations.

I've been following this thread, I'm really rooting for you! You are doing such a wonderful job!