Something does not smell right.

What is your WW thinking?

$100,000 will not last long. She has been a SAHM. What skills does she have to earn the life style she has been living.

Does she have a replacement lined up?

Catperson, ManInMotion;

I'm not going to expend anymore effort caring what she is doing. I think there is not another man and I think she thinks the 100k will last for years (mistakenly).

Catperson

Family therapy is on and my assistant is planning the trip right now. Hopefully we can pull together and heal now. Sam already sent an email to W letting her really have it, basically telling her that he never wanted to see or hear from her again. I am disappointed that he felt the need to do that.

Sounds good. And I'd rather have a Sam than a son who just bottles it all up. He probably feels the most cheated of all the kids, so he deserves to be mad. JMO

TheRoad,

In all honesty, I think she sees that as a huge amount of money. She has no skills and is going to start looking for a job today. My best guess is that she will blow through the 100k in less than 6 months and then have to learn to live on minimum wage until she gets her act together. I asked her how often she wanted the kids and she said she needed a couple of weeks to get setup and then she was thinking she would take them to dinner or movies once a week.

6years,

Let me review the bidding here. Correct me if I am wrong.

1. Your W had an a 10+ years ago and never really returned to the marriage and the family.

2. You decided to remain in the marriage for 16 more years and rear the children. YOu have remained for 10 years so far.

3. You remained for the children not because you wanted the marriage, although I suspect you had hope she would become the mother and W you and family needed.

4. A few months ago, she starts to initiate intimacy and SF went way up. You felt guilty because while you liked the SF, you were still on your 6 year plan and really even the SF has not rekindled any love in your heart for her.

5. Her renewed SF with you was not accompanied by any change in her other behaviors nor her behaviors toward the children.

6. You come to the site wondering what to do about your guilt with the SF and your 6 year plan. You were told to try plan A, try honesty with her.

7. You find in some order that your older children know of the affair and were exposed to OM repeatedly. You find that your older children are very angry at her for what she did to you and to them. You find she was not willing to change her ways. You find that there is little need to protect the children from all of this.

8. She signs a post-nup. After considerable discussion SHE feels it is best to divorce. Your children are not particularly disturbed by this information as you are the primary caregiver any way.

9. You decide you cannot put her out penniless so you offer $100K.

10. The divorce papers were signed by both of you immediately and with adultery as the cause in VA the divorce can proceed quickly.

Do I have that right? It seems to me you have done everything about right. You have tried to protect your children, you have tried to protect your W, and have taken care of her financially even when you don't have to in the divorce.

I say stand up tall, you have done what you can. She is happy, the kids will feel less stress, and eventually you will realize that your honesty with her increased interest with SF and addressing yoru guilt was a good thing.

You have done well 6years. You really have.

Now I also think something is up with your W. I think she clearly does not want to be a Mom to the kids. She does NOT want to be your W, and if truth be told you don't want to be her H unless she changed tremendously which at this point she does not want to do.

In an odd and painful way this is about as clean as it can possibly be. You have done your best, but it seems this marriage lack one main ingredient: love/respect.

Please don't be a stranger. I think you will continue to learn many things and gain new insights. I hope you will share them here.

God Bless,

JL

I think that she'll use this money but be out trolling for someone with money soon to support her lifestyle.

JL, Coach'sWife:

Thanks for the support. I'll be around but hopefully won't have so much stuff going on. I'm trying really hard to just let W (xW i guess) go. I think it would be a huge mistake for me to be involved in her new life. If she has another man then she has one. I'm just going to be a Dad for a while, I'll keep working out so that when the kids are grown I can go back on the market if I want to. Right now dating etc seems just so out of the question, maybe I'll feel differently in 6 years. No sex is going to be weird but I did it during the A.

I am just now catching up from your weekend.

I am so sorry for the way things are turning out, and especially how quickly it seems to be going.

I completely understand your reasoning behind the 100K, and I would have done the same thing. In fact, I did do something similar, all though not quite as much money. when you see a family member completely self destructing like that, you simply can not throw them out with nothing.

Certainly I understand that you have no legal obligation to give her the money, and her actions do not deserve your kindness. But you will be able to look back on all of this, and know that you did the right thing. That is worth 100K right there!

I often read statements from other posters here saying that they "love their spouse, and they always will, no matter what happens". I think you can relate to what I am about to say: I do not love my ex any longer. I did not love him when we divorced. At that point, I was just ready to be done. He wanted to be single, and I did not want to be yoked to someone who had such a lack of concern for his family. At this point, I do not hate him, I do not love him. I have no feelings either way. He is like a relative from the past that I have lsot touch with. A distant cousin, or a brother, whose life has gone down a bad path. I have concern for his well being, similar to the concern I have for my cousin who lives in Florida. But his life is his own.

I hate to tell you this - but your drama with her is FAR from over. Perhaps you all ready suspect that. She is in for a huge surprise. You are going through the mourning process now. Mourning the loss of your M, the kids mom, the life you knew. You're "going through" a lot right now, so please allow yourself to "go through it". But she will wake up at some point and realize that even though she likes her "alone time" there was a lot comfort in being in a house with a fmaily,and H who took care of things.

She is postponing the pain. I know it is hard to imagine right now, when she shows up to sign papers with a big smile on her face, but she will only have a short season of "fun" to be followed up with a looooong season (years) of harsh reality.

Do not be too harsh on yourself. Having her there, living under the same roof but not participating in family dinners, or game nights, or any other functions, did not make her a "mom" to the kids.

Have you talked to her mom yet???

Women seem to rank Financial Support very high on ENs and men rate Sexual Fulfillment very high on ENs. I hate to say this, but she will use the SF to meet her need for FS. That is just my take on it...

oops forgot the real point of the previous post. What I failed to say was that you have made yourself into a good husband and father that many women would love to have. I think you deserve someone that appreciates.

6,

When you first came here, I never thought that your sitch would take this turn - and this fast. I'm sorry that it took the turn that it did. I think that we were all hoping that you and your W would recover.

Chai, JL, etc..

First dinner went ok. I was going to go out but thought it would be nice if we stayed home and made a special meal together. So we made lasagna and cheesecake. It was very heavy but the kids seemed to really enjoy all the extra time working on something together.

We are going to the family counselor on Wednesday. MIL (ugh xMIL) called and tried to talk about W but I told her that I'm happy for her to help W but I can't talk about her. I also told her that she and FIL are always welcome in my home. Anytime even if they want to just drop by, but not to bring W unless arranged ahead of time.

She seemed relieved. I guess she thought I was D'ing them as well.

Hi Six,

I'm really surprised that this is the way things ended for you. Mostly b/c your W's behavior, after all this time, is so atypical...so odd.

But, it does explain your secret six year plan. Perfectly.

I'm so sorry for all that you and your dear children have suffered from her hand.

Please know that MANY are praying for you and yours.

You have behaved most admirably throughout all of this.

You have the love and respect of your children, and a reward in heaven.

I have little doubt that you will find an honorable woman who will be very happy to share her life w/ you.

6, I was away for the weekend and really didn't have much chance to post, but I did follow your thread. I am so sorry for the grief you all are enduring, but I think you are doing many right things.
How are the kids, and you, today?

Today is a little surreal. In many ways life has not changed but in others it is very different. We see the family counselor tomorrow. We have not heard a single word from W at this point.

The kids seem quite happy but I feel very sad. I'm putting on a happy face and making an effort to do kids things. Tonight we will probably play canasta since the kids love that.

The kids seem quite happy but I feel very sad. I'm putting on a happy face and making an effort to do kids things.

The kids should probably know your feelings. The counselor will most likely discuss this. We often have great disappointments in life, and your children need to learn what normal reactions are, and how to cope.

Dr Harley teaches Radical honesty between spouses. Honesty with children is good too. Not blunt honesty, but tempered with kindness, if that can be accomplished.

Often men are taught to stuff their feelings, and not show them. And, of course, don't ever talk about them. Sometimes if we stuff our feelings, those around us think we are OK with things that are really not OK.

That can get us into trouble. Especially in marriage. Think about it as you prepare for your appointment. It might help you find a way to share your feelings with your children.

I am not saying that you ought to stop playing games, and doing happy things. I am suggesting that your children have a great deal to work through. It needs to be dealt with in a straight forward manner, not swept under the rug. This will be necessary for healing.
Not saying you need to act on this now. Like other things, it requires thought, and a plan. Hope this helps with the thought part of it.

SS

SS,

We had a pretty good family session tonight. Mostly the kids talking about what they were feeling. I think it was better that W was not there. They are very bitter toward her. They were protective of me but we did talk about how I share some of the blame for the way things were. I was a little uncomfortable about that but it went ok.

I did speak about how I was sad that W was gone and we are getting divorced. I also said I think it is for the best but it makes me sad. They said they are not sad but we will discuss that again.,

6, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is the route you must take. I know you were hoping for something different but maybe this is the best path for your and your children.

Your wife's behavior is very odd...and I can not imagine the disconnect she has with her own children.

Peace to you and your children.

Thanks for the support Ruby,

W has not called the children even once, I'm sad but I should have expected this. The judge waived the waiting period due to the adultery, so the D will be final either tomorrow or Monday. I'm just letting my lawyer handle it. When he called to tell me I felt a bit of a panic about it going so fast but I'm just being stupid. I know this is the best path for everyone.

MIL is coming over on the weekend but she said W will not come. W is busy looking for apartments. I told MIL that she doesn't have to explain W's actions to me and I don't want her to be carrying info back and forth. She quickly told me that W is not seeing anyone, I told her that she should not be telling me that kind of stuff.

Hopefully dinner will go well this weekend with no talk of W, just like during the A.

I would guess that MIL is feeling really bad about this. It's not her fault, but she is concerned, and doesn't know what to do about it.

You would probably do well to reassure her. But then, you probably already have. I recommend it (reassurance for MIL) be ongoing until she is comfortable with the new situation.

The older children seem to have some resentment for their mother. How are the younger ones doing?
You have a strong bond there, and you will probably need it.
Watch your children for signs that they need to talk. From the little I know of your family, they may not ask for what they may really need and want.

I have thought about your feelings too. You say you are sad......... and that's natural. You have adjustments to make too. You are a logical person, and you had a plan to work, but that's all gone away now. The new plan (cope with the aftermath) doesn't have a definite time line. Would you care to share thoughts and feelings on that?

You have no obligation to, but sometimes writing it out helps firm up the plans in your own mind.

Wishing you well today.

SS