Way to go Faithful! You always have the answers! LOL!!!!

All this talk about SF now that i know about the acronym leaves me with some questions. In my case my husbands A was 2 1/2 years in the past. Our SF was not very fulfilling during that time period. He had a lot of issues. To the point we had seen urologist etc... to try to fix the problem. After I was aware of the A all those issues went away. I had said all along that it was a mind thing. Things are like the early years of my marriage again. He says that it relieves him a lot now that I know. Not constantly in fear of when I am going to find out etc... He says there is still a lot of guilt though. I didn't see any sense in not being physical with my husband since I had been unwittingly been exposed already and I wanted that aspect of our relationship. Love to hear from others how you felt and reacted.

I have had a bad day. Consumed with anger toward my husband for doing this to our family and torn with thoughts about C or NC. Whats best for me and my family?

Just a question? When do all the ups and downs start to level out? I have known for about 2 months and they are still there sometimes. My H says I'm really moody. When do things go back to a more normal state?

According to the experts it takes about 2 years for the BS to begin healing from the A and that is IF your FWH is doing everything he can to make ammends and heal your marriage.

I am having a bad day too. H is acting like a real jerk. We agreed at MC that he was to tell me if OW contacted him.

He didn't tell me anything, so I asked if he had heard from her.
He said yes, once about a Dr's visit for the baby, and something else to do with her too.

As far as I'm concerned, he broke the rules (all the way around!!) Now he is angry with me because OW said he can't see the baby. That I called her and acted "crazy" Total lie!

I never raised my voice, and I kept it calm amd collected.
He did tell me last Friday that she has texted him and wanted to know if he wanted to come over and see the baby?

This was a day after our MC appt. He was suspicious of her motive because she sent nasty text to him after I called her.

As far as I know, he ignored that text. So if she is still texting him about the baby's health etc. Then I really doubt that she wouldn't let him see the baby. I think H is using this as an excuse so he can be mad at me, because of ME, he can't see his baby. He's just mad that I exposed all his lies that he had told her. Eith that or OW is playing some serious mind games.

If That's the case, I'm sure not buying a ticket for that boat ride!

Can you afford to have a phone counseling session with the Harleys? Somehow, you and hubby have to be in agreement and in charge of any negotiations about the OC. Otherwise the OW is going to ruin your marriage.

HurtMom,
It seems like you thought you HAD an agreement with H about how you were going to proceed for the immediate future. He agreed at MC about NC (at least for now) and has not held up his end of the agreement. Is that right?

Believer is right. You both have to be on the same page....not him blaming you for anything......if this marriage is going to survive. I don't know if your H can even make an agreement yet to anything.....he is still in the wayward mindset.

I hope he will continue with counseling. I think I have mentioned to you that it took my H (and others) quite awhile to REALLY come to the table and work on the marriage. And actually mean it. My H stayed for other reasons (me, too) and it took time before he was genuinely staying for me, because he loved me only and not OW. It took me a long time to say I was staying for him and not the kids.

Keep working on it.

You have this chance to see if your marriage will work out. I was worried about staying too long in the marriage. I didn't know that you could recover from something of this magnitude in your marriage. My mother reminded me that "I could always get divorced." But this was the time to see if it would work. So, everytime I started being anxious about what I was doing and how long it was taking, I would remind myself, "I can always get divorced. I am not stuck anywhere, I am looking for the possibility." it would help me calm down and take time with my decisions. Just a mindset, really.

Take time, but don't take the blame for anything you had nothing to do with. You deserve a H who will love and cherish you. See if he comes back. And if he doesn't, you can always get divorced.

Hi everyone! I guess I am up & down a lot. Now I am feeling good because H is coming in a week early! He knew I was really needing him. He flies in tommorow. He has been out for 6 weeks.

Hurt Im sorry you had a rotten day. It sounds like H is saying one thing and doing another. It helps me to learn from your experiences and also to know it's not just me that has doubts sometimes.

How do you get over the thoughts of the affair? My husband says I have a memory like an elephant, I never forget. I know that talking about it all the time is hard on H. I need to let it go to some extent. We will be starting back to MC when he gets home.

Yes, we are still going to counseling. No, he didn't follow the rules, but I do know that he has not seen OW or OC in over a month.

H seems to be up and down emotionally more than me. He can try and switch the blame on me, but I know and he knows that this is not my fault. He just chooses to take out his anger on me.

I guess I started my own type of Plan B. When he gets angry, over stupid little things, I don't fight back.....I just walk away and say nothing. Act like I don't even care.

So far it seems to be working ok.

Hurting. I really don't know how I got over the affair, talking mostly. I knew about the affair some time ago, but didn't know about the OC until August. Can I forgive the affair? I think so. Can I forgive him for bringing this problem with OC into my life?

At this point, I don't think so. Only because this could have all been avoided if they would have acted like adults and used some protection!

I get through things by talking, like you. I talk to my family/friends about it. I talk to a counselor about it, heck......anyone who will listen!

Keep posting, it helps.

hurt

Hurt I know what you mean posting here gives me a chance to talk about how I feel and what I think anonymously without driving my H nuts. Me talking about it all the time is a major love buster especially when he is not home and can't do much about it.

I feel the same about the protection. In my case my H bought the OW's cant get preg story. What about STD's etc... & the big factor SHE OBVIOUSLY CAN GET PREGNANT!

How long have you known about the affair? How soon after the A did you know? My husband has not seen OW in about a year and a half. She called all the time but you can tell from the phone records he just hung up on her. Lots of 1 minute calls over and over. She has no idea where he works or she would try to call there.

Hurt, how has your family reacted? We have not gone there yet. We are waiting for him to be home. He flies in today! Does your family & friends influence you to stay or leave?

Thanks for talking.
Hurting

Hi Hurting,
Just got back from a trip out of state. I'm really tired and am going to bed. I will talk with you tomorrow. Didn't want you to think I was ignoring you.

I knew about the affair about 16 months ago. He said it was over. Shortly there after, he got transferred to an office 2 hours away from home. He got an apartment there, and would come home on the weekends. The weekend visits were not pleasent because he knew OW was pregnant and I think he was scared, and took it out on me.

When I found out about OC, I told him he had to transfer back home because there was no way we could work this out long distance, and that we needed to go to MC.

I have exposed him to his family and mine. It doesn't seem to matter. My family is encoureging the MC, but say that if the MC doesn't help, then I should definitely leave him.

His parents (as*holes!)knew about it the whole time. I hate them with every fiber of my being, especially MIL.........biggest you know what on the face of the earth.

I am just taking it one day ata time. H is on vacation this week, and honestly, I'm not too happy that he's going to be around all week and weekend. We have MC appt. tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

Hi hurt, I just got in. I have been away from my computer for a few days. H came in a week early! We have been taking care of stuff. Meeting with OW & her boyfriend. They want to adopt pretty bad but not enough to get married any time soon! They played hard on the fact that we should take care of our 4 children and let them take care of THEIR 2. My husband said sorry your intentions sound good but she can always go back and pursue all the back support etc.. OW BF was UPSET she had started all this. They want to settle out of court. We WILL get an order. Just feeling things out for now. My H met his daughter for the first time tonight. It was awkward for him because OW wanted to be present for the first couple of visits. Understandable to me from a mothers standpoint. The awkwardness will hopefully get less so. The arrangements are Sat night till Tues night about Midnight because of her work schedule. We are starting out with every other weekend at first but possibly going to every weekend if all the adults can act as they should. The BF is taking it the hardest.

I cant believe your inlaws betrayed you like that. That is horrible.

I hope your MC appointment went well. We have one Tuesday. Talk to you soon, Hurting

Well it has not been a good few days. We told my parents yesterday along with my 3 sisters and 1 brother. Told my grandmother later that evening. Apparently every one else just assumed my husband was having an A. His parents are more on my side than my own... Go figure??? I think my mom sypathises with me since my dad has put her in the same position minus OC. But my dad is an overbearing person and he justified my H's affair so that makes it ok in his eyes. My H has about 10 left before he goes back to work and at this point I am ready for him to leave. We do have a MC appt. today. I cried myself to sleep and I have 3 meetings this morning. Im going to look absolutely lovely.

What do you mean your father justified his affair? On what grounds???????

And why did your whole family think he was already having an affair? Was it because you have been telling them things about your suspicions, before you found out the truth?

H and I has MC appt. last Friday. Before we went, he was being really mean to me, we took separate cars. So I left him in Tim Horton's and balled all the way to the MC appt.

Counselor saw me on my owm. Then you know what I did? I didn't go home. I stayed out until Saturday. Let him have a taste of his own medicine for a change. I checked the caller ID, and he had called about 20 times!

My parents were mad at me because they were all worried. EVen though they were mad, it was worth it. H has been very nice and said he will go back to MC if I want.

I told him I needed some time to think, and I'd let him know.

Hope you are feeling better...........go get one of those gel eye masks you put in the fridge-they work wonders!!

My father justified his A by saying that I didn't take care of my husbands Needs????? I have turned my husband down for SF 2 times in 15 years??? I am usually always more than ready for that aspect of our relationship! I enjoy! The other way my dad justified was by saying I didn't keep my house neat enough while working 55 hrs a week with 4 kids ages 6 and under at the time. That if I had made my home more homey H would have wanted to come home? H moved out when child #4 was 1 month old. The idea of 4 kids totally stressed him out. #4 was not planned. Kind of ironic he would believe OW couldn't get pregnant and now he has 5 children!!! H said A was more about someone talking nice to him. I was very resentful of the fact that he left me home with a newborn and all of our family to take care of on my own at that time. I definitely was not in complete adoration or even respect for my husband. The OW was not in the picture yet but I left the door wide open for her!

I never voiced one suspicion to my family ever. They just assumed any man would not go without SF for that long.

Sorry to hear MC appt didn't go well. We have had some of those in the past. Our MC appt went well and we go back next Tuesday.

Thats hilarious that you didn't go home. I have done the same thing in the past and it always gave me some satisfaction to leave them wondering.

I am feeling better. More emotionally stable again. Not up and down EVERY day.

We meet with OW & OC again today and start overnight visits in a couple of weeks. My children are excited about having another sister! My youngest son keeps saying "Why can't I remember my sisters name?" The visits are not a trigger for me. The triggers are more thoughts of them physically. The vibes between them are hate and tolerance for everyone else's sake?

I could have used one of those eye gel mask for sure!

Hurt what part of the country are you in?

hurting

I live in the Northeast What I was wondering is how does your father and the rest of your family know about your sex life??

I hardly think it's any of their business. I have 4 kids too, and before we hired a nanny, I could hardly keep my house clean at all. Some days, I couldn't keep myself clean either-no time for a shower

Whatever bad feelings you have inside, I wouldn't voice them to anyone in your family, they don't seem very supportive.

Hurt

My parents and family have no idea what my sex life is like. My dad just pretty much said if I was taking care of things at home my husband wouldn't go elsewhere. Im sorry if I didn't make myself clear before but I definitely dont discuss my sex life with parents and sisters brothers etc...My dad is one of those people that expects for everything to be perfect at home. I wish I could afford a nanny I have a hard time keeping my house up and working. I used to be a stay at home mom and I miss those days. I kind of don't want to let the income go right now.

We had our visit with OC this afternoon. OW is actually thinking about letting us take her camping for 4 days this weekend. She is calling tonight to let us know.

I have kept pretty quite as far as talking to most of my family. We have told them but not really discussed it any more though.

I am in the Mid South. I would love to spend Autumn in the North East. I imagine it is absolutely beautiful.

hurting

I am sitting here in tears reading your story. I just found out my H has a 1 yo son by a woman I had accused him of cheating with two years ago, now the proof is pretty much hitting me in the face.

I will continue to pray for you as I am for myself. Not sure if I am in a place to provide advice, but as I go thru this journey I will be sure to keep in touch and pray for you and all of the others posting here.

Take care