I discovered yesterday that my spouse is having a 3rd emotional affair.
Same as before he ended it as soon as I found out.

We had determined that he was looking outside for an easy environment. He is an expert conflict avoider.

He doesn;t like telling me anything negative, even when I ask what is wrong, he refused to tell me.


I thought we were working on this, but clearly I wasn't trying hard enough.

so, once again he didn't tell me what was wrong, gave me no sign of trouble, just started having an affair.

He says he wants a new start and demostrate me he cares about me and wants to do the right thing. He is leaving the house. He left actually

i am left hurt, depressed, scared. Self pitty, I feel pathetic because I still want to be with him.

He says he is doing what his mother used to do, hush and invent strategies so nobody gets upset.
I tell him it is ok if someone gets upset, but he can not handle it

I think he maybe just don't love me back, and, as a problem and conflict avoider, he doesn't have the guts to ask for a divorce.

This time around, there is a child involved, my son is 8 months old, the affair had lasted 5 months.

Guidance, advise, enlightment or plain sympathy is highly appretiated

What a heartbreaking thing to go through. I am sorry, and I know that sorry doesn't begin to cover it.

Please tell us what has happened in the last year since you first came to MB.

SS

Well, I was pregnant then and facing affair #2
I made an 'in house' separation where he continued living in the house to help me out.

he went to recovery nation (or so he says) and he says he learned he had to speak his mind, regardless of whether that would bring a discussion. He made very extensive efforts to prove himself, he allowed me to be suspicious and made effrots to ease any doubts.

So, we reconciled, we enjoyed the rest of our pregnancy so much, attending classes, learning about natural mothering, attachments parenting, it was great!! We also made time to talk about us. We had sofa time where we presented any issues and were able to talk.

Things changed drastically when the baby was born. A newborn is an intensive situation, lack of sleep, trying to stablish breastfeeding, our world became the baby. I think that should come to no surprise.

Sex got affected as well.
When baby was only 2 months old, things were better, he slept 3 hours in a row, in laws came to help because I had to go back to work (couldn't afford to stay home longer.)

Sex came back at that point, and we started to talk about various things, including non-baby stuff.

Looking back, things were different after baby birth. i found myself asking him 'what is wrong? are you ok? is there anything bothering you, very often. He would rarely admit anything was wrong.

If he would say, no, nothing is wrong, i am just tired. Well I believed him!

I never stopped bringing things to the table when I decided it was worth it. He started to get offended, blaming me of critizing too much. I stepped back, choosing my battles very carefully. But it got to a point where I couldn't tell him anything without him getting offended. But I continued talking. He didn't

When baby was 4 months (or earlier, who knows) is when the excesive phones calls are found to this co-worker of him.

She is the granddaughter of my son's babysitter.

Now it makes sense, that every time I ran into her at her grandma home, she would have a guilty look. Now it makes sense that suddenly dh, a chronic constipated in the past, suddenly goes 2-3 times per night
Now it makes sense the times I went to talk to him, and he would close his cell and put it away.

What doesn't make sense is that I again failed to see those signs.

ahhh.

TL,

Would you seriously consider it wasn't you who wasn't working hard enough, but him? Would you consider you are attracted very much to the conflict avoider because then you get more control of the conflict?

And you enable him not to be responsible for his choices?

You had nothing to do with his three EAs. Not one thing. Those were solely his choices, each time. May hurt to figure that out; may also free you from this loop.

You are choosing not to respect your partner's choices. Do now what you did not do before...know that he is able and unwilling to do what it takes to protect himself from infidelity or your marriage.

Expose his three EAs and ask for your family, his family and friends' help in standing for your marriage. Inform all three EA's families of the affairs. Do it now.

You have chosen to bring a child into a marriage riddled with adultery. That's your part, your choice.

Stop asking "what's wrong" that's a DJ, an LB. Instead state the truth..."I know you'll share with me when you choose to do so." He's an adult. Don't treat him like a child, 'k?

You didn't do counseling after either of the other A's, correct? Recovery nation is an online help...it's marvelous, just incomplete. There's no face-to-face accountability. MC is different and complements recovery nation. And you didn't choose to do the partner's section of recoverynation, is that correct?

See your own power...not to get him to think, reveal, share, believe, perceive or feel anything...see how your patterns are enmeshed with his...you're as important to his recovery as your own...and only you control your personal recovery from his infidelity.

What was your plan for recovery, your changes? Maybe that's why you're surprised you didn't catch the signs...your own expectations, what you promised yourself he would or wouldn't do...instead of your own promises to yourself?

I believe our half is continuing to verify, even on a schedule, for at least two years after DDay...keeps us centered in our responsibility, where it ends, and respects our knowledge that we will not be told the truth, a lie we can tell ourselves...

Rebuilding trust through transparency, communication exercises, staying accountable (exposure helps in this regard), verification (helps with awareness and extraordinary precautions), and holding ourselves to doing our half even when we fear the outcome.

Build our reality muscle up...his A's are not about you...and when you choose to back away, you are choosing to back away...to manage his moods, emotions and your marriage from his response. That's your choice...and you can choose better.

Take the steps to share honestly with those people affected by his previous A's so YOU can experience honesty in your life. Verify because that's your responsibility to ascertain the truth...not to get it out of him...wait on him to tell it to you...when he's lied by omission and commission so many times. You know he lies...he lies to you and to himself.

Check your expectations...LostHusband says they are premeditated resentments. Which may be what you are craving...to be right, wronged and not married. I don't know. I just know that resentments are mental fog, because they are an essential ingredient to an A...along with lack of respect and entitlement.

LA

Wow, there is a lot here.

Would you help me.?


"Would you consider you are attracted very much to the conflict avoider because then you get more control of the conflict?"

Yes, I would, but after honest thinking, no, that is not an aspect of him I like at all. specially after what i learned from the 1st affair. It frustrates me. It also means he tends to leave decisions up to me. I don't like it.

"And you enable him not to be responsible for his choices?"

I am stronger believer that we often cause our own problems. If i am enabling him to do that. I don't realize it.
Can you ellaborate?

"You are choosing not to respect your partner's choices. Do now what you did not do before...know that he is able and unwilling to do what it takes to protect himself from infidelity or your marriage."

Agreed

"Expose his three EAs and ask for your family, his family and friends' help in standing for your marriage. Inform all three EA's families of the affairs. Do it now."

Why?

"You have chosen to bring a child into a marriage riddled with adultery. That's your part, your choice. "

Just for the records, when I got pregnant it wasn't planned nor expected. When I got pregnant there was only 1 affair that had happen one year prior. We had gone for therapy and we were soupoused to be in revovery, nicely
did i choose to keep the baby? yes, I did and I don't regret it a bit.

"
Stop asking "what's wrong" that's a DJ, an LB. Instead state the truth..."I know you'll share with me when you choose to do so." He's an adult. Don't treat him like a child, 'k?"

I didn't realize that was to treat him as a child. We had agreed to ask each other that question of we saw fit. But maybe that was the problem, so agreed

let me stop here, Ill comment on the rest later

your post is judmental, although I know you mean well

help me with my blue questions, if you can

TLN,

Why share truth with those affected by it? Why hide with him his choices? It's okay to lie by omission to others, just not for him to do so with you?

I don't get what you don't get. This is your WH's thing...his issue with himself...and he "makes" you stay his accomplice, doesn't he, through others not knowing...and he does it again.

My post to you was to do that which you didn't before...there's a cycle here...the payoff is that he does end the EA immediately when you find out...caught again...this isn't a cookie jar. This is him knowingly setting out to attack the marriage. You both know this...no accidents, lousy boundaries and not sharing with you instead of OWs what is most in his heart, on his mind.

Not for you to fix; for you to know.

I wasn't attacking you for bringing a child into the marriage...I was showing you your choices, your part...so you don't feel powerless, choiceless, done to. I wasn't shaming or defining you for a purpose. Do you possibly believe your WH when he says "it wasn't planned nor expected" and I wasn't responsible? No, we don't plan...we remain responsible.

If you could see your WH is responsible for his own choices, his stuff, 24/7...then maybe you would understand why he's done this three times...and your assumption it wouldn't happen again was baseless.

I'm asking you to really examine how you view your WH's choices, the facts, separate from your feelings. Your allowances translate to allowances for him.

If you truly got that none of his A's were about you...would you remain married to him?

In forgiveness, in changing our stuff...we gotta own what we did, why we did it, and how and why we won't do it again.

We commit to asking our spouses for help when we need it...speak up about our ENs or LBs, and share our weaknesses...get to the meat of ourselves. An A is a choice...not a condition. Doesn't happen by accident...happens when we don't hold to our healthy boundaries.

Our first example of love is being parented...reasonable for us to have many acceptable behaviors which symbolilze loving in our eyes, and feels like parenting to our spouses. Working them out...getting to each sentence we utter having weight and impact, not overlooking our habitual phrases...helps us to see our other wordless behaviors, too; our habits. All to end cycles, these loops, we think we're in...gotta see them clearly to begin with.

It is my belief that not choosing is a choice. No one can leave decisions up to us...they decide to not act, and we decide to act. Difference I made was in stating what I saw, "I hear you've decided you'll be happy with whatever I decide, is that correct?"

"I know you have chosen to have three affairs in our marriage. I have no idea why you wouldn't make that choice again. I know you're able to choose differently. I don't know if you will."

Each of these three affairs were hidden from you, is that correct? Do you crave living in radical honesty? Not being withheld from, secrets kept from you? Then don't keep them yourself...and be radically honest. It's the only control you have. And when you do, you'll experience it in your life.

Rebuilding your trust in yourself is really important. When we see repetitive choice of behaviors, we have our part, a well. Do not repeat what you've done before. For me that meant seeing with new eyes.

Thank you for considering what I share.

LA

How do you know if it is an EA or a PA? Can you get a different babysitter? Three times is a pattern...and it's only three times that you KNOW of. I am sorry, this must be tremendously difficult for you. I also felt the last responder was harsh. Perhaps we'll get some others who can help out here...