my wh and i just stopped seeing our marriage counselor... it's over an hour away and just too much gas to waste. i think both of us also felt that at this point we're getting very little out of our ind. and couples sessions with her.

i found out about wh's EA aug 23rd, and since then we have both made great strides in reconciling. we're closer now than we have been in years. we're not arguing, solving problems calmly, and taking each other into consideration. we've been following the MB plan. (we're in plan A right now) dh agreed wholeheartedly right away to stop talking to OW and work on us.

i was just getting ready to look up a new counselor closer to us, and then thought... do i need one? the MB plan is doing so much for us right now, i think we both feel as if we would have very little to talk about in session. sooooo... why continue? well, at least for right now.

How about a phone session with Steve Harley?

to see if we need to continue counseling? i see a lot of people post about counseling with him, and while i totally agree with his strategies, i guess i'm just wondering if it's really necessary.

our last therapist just kind of listened to us both whine and moan, i don't think she did all that much good helping us to resolve problems... and she totally downplayed my husband's ea, saying "maybe this was more the OW blowing things out of proportion than dh straying" it also seemed as if there was no end in sight. when do you know that you're just done.

we're far from rich, and i'm afraid that Dr. Harley may be too expensive for us to afford.

I'd recommend a session or 2 especially given the extra information you've posted about your current counsellor. That counsellor exemplifies the reason why marriage therapy is the least successful.

thank you, i'll talk to my husband about it tonight. if he doesn't want to phone counsel than i will use dr. harley's rules for finding a good marriage counselor.

Never leave love with an aching conscience.

The first marriage counselor WS and I ever saw downplayed his emotional affair. She said that while OW had a crush on him, it was clear to her that he loved me. She said that he has a strong emotional side, and likes to be hero, so friendships with other women shouldn't bother me because they're just addressing those needs. We saw this counselor for just about three months, then our insurance declined to pay for it.

Their affair met a natural death when she lost a child, and was unable to keep up the emotional affair as she dealt with her grief. During this time, WS was devoted to me, filling my head with notions of a secure future, and we started our family. But when OW recovered, she skedaddled right back over to him.

So then, WS used that period of counseling against me. Rewriting history, he said it interfered with his friendship, and I caused him to have to end it unnecessarily. So, he wasn't ever going to go counseling with me again.

Why did I stay with him? We had a five-month old, and I was terrified of raising her alone. I know: stupid, because maybe if I'd put my foot down a long time ago, before she decided to leave her husband, he would have gotten some help for his faulty way of thinking.

Years later, he agreed to counseling, because I was "crazy jealous." In front of our counselor, he said that if I didn't learn to accept his friendship with OW, that was an irreconcilable difference, and we should go our separate ways. This counselor, due to some odd technique, just sat there telling me to reflect back what was said. He didn't confront WS in the least, nor give any feedback. This validated within WS that he had the right to dishonor me by investing all his emotional energy into another woman. This "therapy" lasted a few months, and then WS claimed he would look for better therapist if I would stop "making him" go to this one. Of course, that was a lie and he never looked. The mission was already accomplished. Our marriage was effectively destroyed and he could tell people he tried.

Needless to say, a few months later, OWH showed me scads of emails with evidence of them plotting to leave us. It turns out that the whole agreeing to go with me to therapy thing was a sham, as she was "in counseling" with OWH around the same time. Now he tells people that we tried so hard to repair our marriage in years and years of therapy, but we just couldn't see eye to eye. I just wouldn't ever trust him. She tells the same lie about trying hard, when the first thing she did when they sat down with a therapist is tell OWH that it was over.

So, my 2¢ is that you should go ahead and make another appointment, but with someone who understands the nature of infidelity - make absolute sure of this ahead of time - and can help you truly resolve issues. Don't leave unresolved issues hanging, or trust the lull. OW's have a tendency to pop back up, and you want your husband equipped to fight for you and your marriage.

deeplysaddened, I strongly suggest following BigK's advice here. Steve Harley is very different from other marriage counselors in that he actually knows how to save marriages! Most don't. Most are not pro-marriage and don't have the slightest idea what makes a good marriage work. Their rate of failure is a whopping 84%!

If I were on a limited budget, I would get the home study course and go through the lessons in addition to 1 or 2 sessions with Steve. This program really does work and you can fall in love again.

I'm thinking of getting some sessions with Steve Harley. I like what I read on the site but it is a lot of money. We live in Europe so I'm not sure how easy it would be to schedule sessions but I think we need them. Does anyone have any advice on this, how to approach the sessions, even the equipment (webcam?) necessary? Has anyone been through a series of sessions? How do they take place and what was the best thing you got out of them?

tully, genoveffa over on Emotional Needs is also a silly foreigner [eye-talian ] and is working with Steve right now. Why not drop in on her and she can give you some details?