...but I am so hurt. I've been married almost two years. We've had our problems in the beginning as most couples do. My husband was deployed to Iraq and returned 8 months ago. Soon after he returned, I began having strange feelings about him, and I wasn't sure if I fully trusted him. I found on the computer that he had been visiting a website where people go to look at other people's sexual videos, and to meet, sort of like a demented personals website. I had seen that he had contacted a number of women. When I saw that and confronted him, his first reaction was frustration, and anger for me "snooping" into his personal life. I held everything inside, and even though he told me what he called the truth, I knew there was something else there. Recently, I returned to our home town, across the country, to start a job, being that we would be returning to the state I am in now when my husband was done with the military. I needed his password for his email to verify a flight and when I went into it, I found that he had been answering personal ads. There were two where he sent, one said "email me if you want to talk", another with his pictures and him asking what the person thought and looked like, and another of a direct email to a person with his pictures. I confronted him, and he flipped out, hung up on me, and the rest of that day, I refused his calls, even when he had his brother call me. We talked about the issue the next day and he claimed that it was a joke, that he had found a friend of his on a singles ad website and responded to it. When asked about the direct email, he said he didn't know or didn't remember. I didn't believe him. Later I found what I thought to be the girl he emailed directly, someone much younger and living in the neighboring town, and when I confronted him with that, he "came clean" and told me "everything" about the situation. Claiming he never physically cheated, that he had issues with sex, and "voyerism" as he put it, he said he needed the thrill of seeing women but because "porn" wasn't enough, he needed the people to be real. He explained that he would find these people and ask them for pictures, sometimes it worked, sometimes not, he said. He admitted that he had been doing it, even after I found out about the first website, and that he had lied to me many times. We're working things out, and it's awful that we are not together due to job circumstances, because if we were together, I would insist we go to counselling. I am still healing from all this, and have lost a lot of trust in him, but he talks about things like everything is fine and we're over the whole thing. I've said I am not, and he retorts that I need to get over it, because he doesn't want to have it hanging over his head for the rest of his life. If anyone has any sort of advice, please help, I am so lost on what to do.

You are not really lost.
What you are trying to do is make an important decision NOT KNOWING if you have all the facts to make a good decision.

I'd advise you to be very loving and non confrontational with your H. And meanwhile - quietly keep snooping. If you find out anything more, ask the forum for suggestions before you "confront" your husband yet again.

Has he ever been prone to violence with you or anyone else?

Listen to Pepperband.....you'll get some awesome advice.

Oh, btw, much to my chagrin, I'm back

I've responded to your thread you started in the "Conflict in Marriage" board.

I was just too lazy to cut and paste to the other threads you've started.

Yes it is cheating. He has done something that is betrayal to his relationship with you. I broke up with my guy and he started online dating and dating. This involved online chatting, emails, texts. We reconciled and he said he stopped it all. But he did not. After 2 months womens intuition took over. I am not the suspicious type nor am I insecure, but it got to the point I checked his emails when he left his computer on one day. I found emails where he was clearly being 'single' and clearly pursuing other women. When I confronted him, at first he denied it. When I showed him the emails, like in your case he got angry and had the hide to say I breached his privacy. Later he said he was sorry, that it meant nothing, he enjoyed the thrill of the chase and all the attention other women gave him and he found it hard to stop. Since this all came about after we broke up, I understood and though very upset we got through it. That was until I found out three more times he did not really stop.

I think a guy is a guy, and you can try to work this through. Being away in Iraw, he was with guys who would have talked about sex in ways that were very guy-like. So it opened him up to another world. But this needs a good solid honest talk. If he does like porn, and if he does like looking maybe you can incorporate that into your sex life. But only if you can be open to that and only if he is honest and can be faithful to you. You have to build trust. I was quite 'conservative' when it came to sex. But we had a strong bond. Now that I am separated I have found myself curious sexually. Not being the sort of woman to go out and just have sex, I use google chrome that has a discrete setting that does not save the sites you have been too. No-one uses my computer but it makes me feel better LOL. So I have been watching some porn and it does open me up to try different things. As a single woman now I am finding myself more open to having 'sex' that is not part of some emotional attachment and I am more open to new sexual experiences. I know when I have a new relationship (or if I reconcile - my ex now wants me back) that our sex life will be much more interesting than I have been open to. But you see, this does not mean that I will be unfaithful. As single person I am free to do whatever I want with any willing partner. But if I do find myself in a relationship I will explore those things with that person and not seek it from someone else.

So maybe you can be open to that too. And maybe it will make your marriage stronger. But the thing is that I personally don't see how this work with real people. Of course it can - with swingers and stuff, but that is not for most people. I think for you, if you and your husband can find a way to satisfy his sexual needs, including those of voyuerism, while he is faithful to you, then you guys can make it. But I ask him to let you know if he needs real contact with real people to be satisfied. If yes, then you have decision to make. But if he can find satisfaction with you, and with porn, and no other real person, maybe you can get through this.

I know how hard this is. I think the most important thing is to know who you are, and what you want. You must respect yourself and be ok with yourself - with or without your husband first. Then you can work on being ok with him and know you are making sound decisions. No decision comes with guarantees, but communication and honesty, setting agreed boundaries and having freedom to see emails and everything will be important.

Being in different locations is hard for you too, but you can seek counselling for yourself at least. This will help you to find out what you want and who you are and give you a good foundation on which to make your own decisions. If you go to counselling, and the counsellor is judgmental or biased in anyway, find another one until you find the right support. Counselling for yourself will be just as important as couples couselling. If your husband wants to work this out, he too would benefit from counselling to work out what he wants.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I wish you all the best in getting through this. You will get through it and you will be ok. But its hard, so hard. Be true to yourself and look after yourself. Eat properly, exercise. Take time to smell the roses. Take multivitamins.

Hugs, Rainbow

Pepperband,

I just saw your post, it's been a while since I've visited. I actually just wrote in the Gen ?'s over in infidelity. But here's the thing. I'm visiting my husband now, been here little over a week. I did continue to "snoop" but found nothing more, however, H did have another email account that I couldn't get into. While here visiting, I suggested we get EVERYTHING on the table, and he agreed to let me look through all his accounts, sex sites, email, you name it, with him there. I found some more disturbing information. He had personal ads himself on craiglist, which said he was a US marine, back from Iraq, his height, weight, etc, interested in NSA sex or whatever. NSA I looked up to be "no strings attached." One was answered, by I'm guessing just a sex site, which said here is my profile, glad to hear from you, blah blah, and he replied "I'm Down!" That was from one month after he returned from Iraq. Another one I found was from a few days after we were MARRIED, when I was away for work, which said in the subject "Off Duty!!!!!!" and in the message, "I'm HOME!!" I asked him if he's cheated, he continually says no, never physically. He's told me SO many lies, I don't know what to believe anymore. And to answer your question about his violence, yes, it happened this week, he was pushy and breaking things of mine, telling me to get the "f" out of his house. But after the "storm," he's telling me he will go to his therapist, whom he's been seeing for PTSD, and will tell her what he's done. I told him I will expect a call from her to make sure he's told her everything. I just don't believe a thing from him anymore.

Rainbowblue,

Thanks for the kind words. It helps. I've written an update on my sit. in the gen questions II area, I thought more people would see it there, if you have some time to read it. I understand the thing about incorporating porn into our sexual relationship. I actually SUGGESTED it to him way before I knew any of this was going on, and he refused, little did I know he was doing this. At this point now though, after all I know about him and what he's done, I need serious time before I can be comfortable using anything to that means. I feel so betrayed, because I found out he was answering and making personal ads just a few DAYS after we were married. I feel like I've never been enough for him, I asked him why he married me at all, he said because he loves me. I'm not sure that he does though, not sure he even knows what it is. It's just such a mess. He is seeing a counselor for PTSD, and I told him to tell her everything. I am also going to start seeing a marriage counselor whenever I can get an appointment! When he returns home, he said he will start seeing the MC with me. I'm not sure if he's doing this to appease me, or if he really wants it to work.

"I've written here once before a few months back about things I had found out about my husband. Recently, I found out a lot more and I am just going out of my mind.

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. He was deployed to Iraq from July2007 to February2008. When he returned in Feb, I noticed things like he and I were not making love as much as I had expected, or as much as he led on he wanted to when he was away. He was also on our computer for up to 8 hours a day, while I was alone taking care of our dog, the house, etc. I became suspicious and looked through the history on our computer. There I found he had been contacting women from various adult dating/sex sites. I confronted him immediately extremely upset. I explained that this WAS NOT porn, that these were real women. He denied that and said it was just porn. We "worked" things out half heartedly, but I always had a strange feeling about it. From that day on, I was VERY distant.
Recently, I accepted a job where we are both from, 3000 miles away, so that we could have housing, income and benefits for when he is finished with his service. I was booking a flight for him to visit, and needed to get into his email account, so he gave me his password. I was curious and went into his sent mail. There I saw he had been emailing women his pictures, and answering personal ads from craigslist. Once again I asked him about it, he denied everything. I refused his calls, as well as his families calls, for a few days. When I was ready, we talked and he told me the "truth." Explained that he liked the idea of the women being locals, but all he was after was nude pictures to masterbate to. He called it voyerism. Well, we patched things up again, but I still had that feeling. I'm visiting him now, and I decided to go through all these accounts with him. He agreed. So far, I've found that he has been answering personal ads since before we were married, and one in particular struck me the hardest. A few days after we were married, I had to leave for 10 days for my job. I noticed an email that was sent by my husband two days after I left, and it was to a women who was inviting him for sex, which he replied "I'm Down" but at the bottom, there was his own craiglist listing which she had replied to, and it said his stats and that he was available for nsa sex, "no strings attached" sex! Another one around the same time said in the subject heading "Off Duty!!!!!" and in the email "Im Home!!!!" He has denied he's ever cheated physically, says he doesn't remember writing that, but that it's obviously true, and that he had the intentions to cheat, but isn't sure if he would if it ever came to that. We are at a standstill, I am starting counseling as soon as I return home, and when he gets out he will continue with me. He has also been seeing a therapist here for his own problems due to the war, PTSD, and I've told him that his doctor must call me and inform me that he's told her what's going on. My question to those who have been cheated on, HOW DO YOU GAIN THE TRUST BACK? I don't know that he's telling me the truth that he NEVER cheated, I don't believe him. I've been right on with my intuitions so far. I am devastated, and I feel so stupid that I didn't see these things earlier, perhaps before we were married. Any advice would be appreciate, sorry for such a LONG posting."