I am just really confused and appreciate any advice.

I am in the third year of our marriage (we dated for 5 years before getting married and lived together). I have a really bad timing with my husband on everything. We hurt each other a lot in past 2 years and working on the relationship.

My husband finally is willing to change and he changed a lot and now behaves the same way as when we started dating (I know every woman's dream). I know I should be happy about this, but this makes me really feel under a pressure to be be "in love". He does not want me to pretend (I tried) and he wants me to behave like I am in love. But I don't feel that way right now. I love him, but I am not "in love." What do I do?

To make things worse, I decided to take some time away and discovered that a friend (a male) at whose house I stayed is much more compatible with me on daily basis than my husband. I returned, but I did not miss my husband while being away (almost 3 weeks) and now everything he does annoys me. I hate not having breakfast together, I hate him not changing his clothes when coming back from work, I hate him watching TV while trying to fall asleep, I hate him being all over me with expectations etc.

What does this mean? Is this over? How do I fall in love again with my own husband?

Ok, first, you are in an affair. Don't waste our time arguing. It is an affair. If you read here, you will see that once you get into an affair, suddenly 'this' was the man who really gets you, your H never really 'got it,' yada yada. You have to stop talking to this man IMMEDIATELY. What you are doing is WRONG.

Second, you need to read here about Love Busters and Emotional Needs. You and your H are in a big mess concerning LBs and ENs, and you need to straighten it out.

It may sound weird, but the first thing you need to do is find out what you are doing to LB HIM, and stop doing them. Do this for a month, just concentrate on not LBing him. It takes a while to get rid of those destructive habits.

Then, find out what his ENs are, and start meeting them.

Do this for 2 or 3 months, and sit back and watch the changes in your H, and in your feelings for him. A year ago I hated my H; he was worthless. I followed this plan and guess what happened? I started seeing my old H again. It's amazing how well this works, but it's really only human nature - you start respecting him again, and he will respond by respecting you.

The first thing you can do is end your adulterous affair. The second thing you can do is stop engaging in silly separation schemes. Moving out for 3 weeks to have an affair was devastating to your H and only harmed your marriage. You can see for yourself how effective this was at helping your marriage.

Separation never helps marriages, it only harms them.

Right now your strong feelings for this OM are making it impossible for you to feel anything for your H. And how do I know it is interfering? "I love him, but I am not "in love." " Women who say this feel this way because they have a POINT OF COMPARISON. If you weren't in love with your OM, you would not know if you weren't in love with your H.

So, end the affair, work on the marriage and your feelings can come back if you work together. But having an affair is not the answer.

lookingforanswers, one thing is certain, and that is that your affair is doomed. 95% of affairs end because the very traits that make them possible, dishonesty and thoughtlessness, eventually destroy the affair. They have no future. There are insurmountable problems, namely a man who consorts with a married woman has no respect for her or for marriage in the first place. Another problem is introducing an adulterer into his family. He would not be able to darken his mothers doorstep with you in tow. Most families don't condone adultery and won't allow cheaters on their homes. Marrying a cheater is a fools mission, because cheating destroys marriages and he knows this.

I could go on forever, but the problems inherent in adultery don't produce good marriages. There is no future in affairs.

On the other hand,there is a future with your H. You can be in love with each other if BOTH stop the destructive behavior. But the first step has to be an end to your affair or there is no hope.

In which category would you place yourself?

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.


Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.