I will try to make this long story short so you can get to helping me now.
My husband and I were together in the early 90's, I had a 3 year old daughter that he loved but he had an affair, married her and broke my heart but we continued to get together over the years even after I married someone else too b/c he is the love of my life.
We both ended up divorced I got into drugs and he went to prison but we corresponded via mail for 3 years after I got clean but he would never give me any hope of being together and I dated loser after loser. My H was getting out of prison and coming to see me and I told my BF that he had to get it together or I was going to pursue H, he said he wasn't done partying so we had one last fling - no big deal, my system was so messed up from my previous drug use that I hadn't had a period in 7 months and was told I'd never have kids again. 3 weeks later my H came to see me and we ended up sleeping together and decided to live together for a year and date before getting married. The next month we found out I was pregnant and I figured it was his b/c his semen were 8 years strong and had gone up and yanked an egg out of my ovaries. And we got married. Our son was born 3 weeks early and had all the signs of being a premiee so we didn't really think much about it.
Fast forward a year my H started having an emotional affair with another women from his office that is hopelessly in love with him and yes she filled his loved bank. They started sleeping together a year ago. We ran into my ex-boyfriend and my H says he saw his profile then our sons and questioned in his mind but he didn't say anything to me, instead he and his OW got a paternity test done on our son so my H could get his ducks in a row to leave me without guilt. Then he found out our son was not his and I think it broke his heart but that his OW jumped for joy - starting the demise of their relationship. Anyway he threw the paternity test in my face and 4 months later I found out about the affair. We decided to work on our marriage and he has broke all ties with the OW.
I have had a hard time dealing with his affair and he said last night that he will figure out how to give me just compensation for his affair if I could figure out how to give him just compensation for our son. He doesn't want to have anymore kids and he does love our son but I don't know how to help him get over his resentment towards me? Please help???

I'm officially confused .... welcome to MB

ARE YOU MARRIED now??

yes we are married, when we found out I was pregnant we gat married right away rather than waiting a year. This was good for me b/c I was so afraid he would leave me for someone else or cheat on me and I hoped being married he wouldn't... but he did.

What made you think he was a changed man? Apparently, the way you describe things/events ... he's not been a stand up guy his entire life.

Is this really what you came here to ask?




Think about what causes resentment - and then do the opposite, consistently over time.

This is the main question I am asking for help with. My husband resents me: he got out of prison as a strong christian and we were going to date and have fun and enjoy life, we were both good with not having any kids and my daughter lived with us with her 1 1/2 year old.

Then we found out I was pregnant, got married, my daughter took off to do drugs and left her daughter that we are raising as our own, my husband has worked long hours to support us and take care of our house/remodeling projects.... all this stuff he didn't sign up for. Then in the heat of his affair he found out our son was not his and even though he loves us all he feels like he has been trapped in a life he didn't see himself in and he resents me for it.

How do I give him just compensation for our son not being his?

yes he has always been a cheater but he did 8 years in prison where he drew very close to God and I do accept quite a bit of blame for driving him away from God when he got out b/c after 8 years of being yelled at by gaurds, my yelling destroyed him and I couldn't stop, even though I work on it everyday, I am a loud person and raise my voice way too much.

Anyway, I had tried to trust him that he would never cheat again but I was still guilty of regular accusations due to my insecurities.

I am again trying to trust him but that has been very hard and is a whole other topic.

I need help with helping him overcome his resentments towards me.

I'm not sure this is anything within your power to do ... probably prayer, I guess.

"How do I give him just compensation for our son not being his?"

Well, one thing you DON'T do is get angry when he is posting his feelings.

Are you willing to try the MB plan?

I have been trying the MB plan.

My husband had an affair and in the process of trying to figure out how to leave his family got a DNA test done on our son with his OW who also happens to be married with children.

She is good enough for him to go have a kid with but I am not b/c I have 4 kids with 4 different dads over the period of 23 years. 2 0f which i had b4 I was 18.

then there is the issue that he never wanted to be with me to start with but then decided to marry me b/cI was pregnant, really what do we have to work on?

If you are really trying to help me tell me how to help my husband stop resenting me?????

Well, you've had a long relationship. Your husband is here posting. I'm sure that if he is a Christian, he knows that his affair was wrong, and that the OW is NOT what he needs in his life.

You've had a bad start, but your marriage is sanctified by the Lord, and HE hates divorce.

You need to settle down, relax a little, have some faith, stop the angry outbursts and give this a chance to work.

There are 2 kids right now depending on the two of you.

You sound like your self-esteem is not high. Start working on that and living a good life. I have a lot of hope for the two of you, because you are both willing to try.

You really think he wants to work on it?

He says he does but then he lets me believe the crazy stuff that my mind torments me with. Then there is the issue of this not being the life he saw for himself and how he didn't really want to be with me but married me b/c I was pregnant and that is new news to me tonight, I had thought we were planning to get married in a year but pushed up the date and now I find out he truely never wanted to be with me???? I think this revelation maybe worse than his affair????

You BOTH need to work on the marriage. Calm down and give the MB plan a try. Do it for yourself and your child. Don't worry about what he is posting. If he just had an affair, he may be rewriting some of the history of the marriage.

I find it AMAZING that the OW was the one who wanted him to have the DNA test. Sounds like she wants to make trouble.

But now that the truth is out, change your behavior, eliminate LB's, meet his emotional needs and work on having a nice future. You will have to do this consistently over time.

snl4,,,, i just replied to your h and then read your thread. i am sorry that you are in this mess.

after reading your thread i may have to revise my post to him.

just curious. are your h's intitials A.A.?

sn, it is the affair fog talk that makes your H say he only married you because you were pregnant. My H said all kinds of cruel things during his A's.

I think you are right about him throwing the paternity test in your face to deflect his guilt about his affair. I can not believe the OW was involved in getting the paternity. I think your husband was suspicious about the child being his but I bet OW egged him on about getting the test. She is a real piece of work.


He needs to give you just compensation for his A. You owe him just compensation for not telling him there was a chance the child was not his.

He claims you told him you didn’t sleep with your XBF. Did you lie and tell him you didn’t sleep with the XBF? You did nothing wrong by sleeping with XBF because you were not together with your H. You should have told your H there was chance the child was not his. Why didn’t you tell him?

I have read your husbands thread too. Its very sad that you are in this situation. I just had a question for you though. How you did not know that you were pregnant for a few weeks and than after sleeping with your H you suddenly did a pregnancy test(thats what I am thinking as you wrote you did not have periods for a while). How you suddenly felt the need to find out if you were P??? Sounds a little OFF here.