I am on the other side of a 4 year affair. I am the wayward spouse.

How long will this pain from withdrawl last

It could be as long as 6 months.

Have you confessed to your husband? OM's wife?

How long have you been in No Contact with your affair partner?

The pain will last as long as you remain dishonest with your husband.

I'll be honest, I will not tell now. I just want to get through this pain and get my marriage back. Maybe in the future sometime I will tell, but not now.

Being honest in your marriage helps you restore your emotional equilibrium.
Remaining dishonest prolongs your misery.

Don't you think your husband deserves to know why his wife has been in such a funk?
He's probably worried that he's done something to offend you.

That poor man .... I feel so sorry for your husband. The disrespect you show him by keeping him in the dark about his own life is just terrible.

Then your marriage will never recover and if it survives it will be a shell of a marriage. How sad.

J43,

How could Husband not know or at least feel some sense of unease with a 4year A in the background!!!

God Bless
NJ

I can understand what you are saying but this is not something my husband will handle well at all. I cannot face is fury although I know I deserve it.

I also believe that changing is the first step. But I realize that you all on this board only believe in telling the spouse the truth, even if it kills them. I don't believe in that, I think why cause more pain.

because I led two lives, I would try to end it and then gave up and went back to OM, It was mostly conversations on cell phone and bi weekly or monthly meetings for an hour or two. I became an excellent liar and very defendent on the affair and how it made me feel about myself. It has ended now, mutually. I know you do not understand and I can't expect anyone to. I wouldn't either. But I know what I can and cannot do and I cannot destroy my family, Yes I guess I am selfish.

J43,

At least get tested for STDs, even if you are infected it might not be too late to save your husband.

God Bless
NJ

If Husband has been distant from his adulterous wife and this has been going on for 4 years then the situation as it is has probably become completely normal to him. If the ended without H's knowledge, then the dynamics would change and then he would start getting suspicious - which is why honesty is important.

Fall also admits to having become an expert liar - she has had 4 years of practice.

But everything will make sense to H once he knows - which he will eventually whether or not his WW tells him.

Do what you must do.

P43,

My wifes friend has been feeling guilty for and affair for 15 years. My Mother thought of the lies she told me about every other time she saw me for 35 years until she revealed.

Lies are a life sentence.

NJ

I do not have any STD's. My affair was with one person and he is not infected with anything

I can understand you asking this,but how about some kind of encouragement to get through this and make a better life. Is there any of that out there?

P43,

And this OM was not simultaneously with his wife or other women.

NJ

Joan,

Like you, I was going to keep my A a secret from my DH after I ended it. It took me 15 months to finally realize I needed to tell him.

People are trying to save you time and energy wasted on trying to keep the secret. Keep reading around this site, not just the forum, and you will start to see why it really is important to tell.

Withdrawal will be quicker if you have no contact whatsoever with your OM. Even occasional, minor contact will keep you stuck in withdrawal.

The hardest thing for me to understand when I was going to keep the A secret was by doing so I was rebuilding my marriage on a pile of sand and the secret would always be between us. Once I realized I needed to tell him in order to build our marriage on a solid foundation I was able to completley move on from the A.

Something else I read after I had been keeping the secret for a while was when people find out years later they feel like their whole marriage from the time of the A to disclosure was a total sham.

Just some food for thought and certainly your choice.

LC

Thank you, but how did you do it and what happened when you told him

You can't make a better life based on lies and deceit. You must first come clean and build on a solid foundation instead of this rocky one.

You will not get encouragement for continuing to keep your husband in the dark about your affair. You will however get encouragement to do the right thing. Tell your husband.

You have already crushed him. He just doesn't know it yet.

Affairs have a way of showing themselves. Whether you tell him or not, he will eventually find out. Ask any WS on here that got caught. The majority got caught and it took them a while to win their spouses back. Some never did. The ones who confessed had a beter chance of saving their marriage.

Do you want to save yours or continue living this lie. This site has a lot of helpful plans to get your marriage on the right track.
You want someone to say that it is going to be alright, it will if you do the right thing.
The path you are on right now has a big dead end sign on it. Time to change paths

I wrote down everything I wanted to say to him with the intention of using it as a guide so I didn't forget anything I wanted to say. I told him I had something very difficult to share with him and we sat on the couch together. Once I pulled the paper out he told me he would rather read it himself. Once he finished reading it I told him I was sorry and he hugged me. He then said he needed a few minutes alone and went and sat at his computer.

I honestly believed he would leave me, but he didn't. He was hurt and he was angry. It took a while but together we worked through it all. I do not regret for a second telling my DH.

I have to cut it here, DH is waiting for me to watch a movie. I'll check back tomorrow.

LC

Lifechoice,

Thank you, you are the only person who has responded to me that has not tried to belittle me. I must say many of the people on this booard are rude and make you want to do the opposite of what they are telling me. But when you respond I can sense that you actually seem to care.

I do want to do the right thing and tell my husband, I feel like I need to wait until January because my son is getting married before the end of the year, I can't wreck this for him by destroying everything he believed in.

I know I should have thought of that before and I just want everyone to know that I feel very unhappy with myself and my choices and if I could do it all over again I would not do what I did. But it is very hard to know that ahead of time when your emotions are taking over and it consumes you. At that point you have no idea the hole you are digging for yourself, you only think about how good you feel when you are with the OM until the guilt consumes you and you can't stop crying and you know you have to change. I'm on this board, reaching out because I need help. I already know I did a terrible thing, people on the board do not have to tell me over and over again.

You are not a victim - not even on this thread. You have victimised OM'sW and your own husband by your actions.

You think you are being slammed? You ain't seen nothing. Your lack of compassion on your victims is breathtaking.

You think we are being mean? We have told you the FACTS. You cannot recover until you listen.