Please help: I am torn apart about whether I did the right thing today.

Here's our story: We used to have a good marriage. We are both committed Christians. We've been married almost 3.5 years. However, in the last year, because of job stress, distractions, etc., we started to drift apart emotionally and physically (although we didn't even realize at the time).

This summer, my wife went on a 2 month trip to another country where she met OM during the last month. During the last 2 weeks, they had an A that culminated in physical intimacy just short of full-blown sex.

When she returned from the other country, she was cold and distant, until finally she broke down and confessed the emotional affair (DDay 1), but lied about the extent. I was ready to forgive and move on, but then I realized (with much pain!) that she was seriously considering leaving me for OM!

She sank into a deep, unresponsive depression, but apparently did decide to stay with me at that time. During this time, I tried to execute Plan A, with limited results.

After she tested positive for pregnancy, she initially was unsure who the father was (turned out to be me) and broke down and told me about the full physical part of the relationship (DDay2)

But all through this time she was insisting that she had broken off contact with OM. Not believing her, I snooped around and sure enough, found evidence of continuing contact. The honey that dripped from her words are what hurts most ... she was so cold to me, so warm to him! How could she?

So last night, I might have blown it. I confronted her in a controlled manner about her lies (she continued to lie even while I revealed each piece of evidence to her) until she had to admit that she was STILL emotionally involved with this person, and STILL sometimes thinking of leaving me for him, and had continually lied to me about breaking it off.

So, having the phone records, I called him (he hung up, coward) and emailed/texted him to never contact my wife again. I also told him that I would expose him if he ever did. I then blocked his number on our cell phones, and went into her facebook account and deleted him as a friend. I also went and uninstalled a bunch of chat programs from her computer and removed her administrative access so she couldn't reinstall them.

As you might have guessed, instead of being repentant even after being caught, WW sank into deep, unresponsive depression again and will not talk to or respond to me.

I did not do this out of spite or to control her ... I just wanted to help her control herself, because I know she is NOT capable of doing that at the moment. I just want all contact to cease so I can rebuild my marriage! But, I know she could still contact him if she really wanted to. I just wanted to make it not so easy, to maybe lower the temptation and blow a bit of reality into their fantasy world.

Was what I did wrong? Did I shoot myself in the foot? I know this is a BIG deviation from Plan A. Is there some hope for me to get back on track???

__________________________
Me: 30
WW: 26
Kids: None
A started 8/1/08
D-Day #1: 9/11/08 (Admitted kiss and EAA)
D-Day #2: 10/5/08 (Admitted physical affair)
D-Day #3: 10/10/08 (Confronted continuing contact)
Status: Trying to get back onto plan A

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be.

Her affair is very recent and so she will be tempted to contact him, and she is probably still very attached to him. That is normal. It probably would have been better if SHE agreed to eliminate the computer access - you are not her parent.

But that's done. Is she still pregnant?

Thanks so much for your reply. It really helps to know I'm not alone.

Yes, she is carrying my child. Turns out she is pretty far along, so it must have been conceived before she went to the other country. So it is mine. We even have a name picked out and everything.

I know that it would have been better if she cut it off herself. But she was continually lying and showing no inclination to do so. I waited for an entire week, sitting on my information, but dared not wait any longer since I am leaving for a week long business trip tomorrow (mandatory) and was SURE that the temptation to contact OM would be huge.

Then, are you saying I should undo the things I did? I admit I did them a bit hastily, maybe not having though everything through ... I was so hurt.

I'm glad the child turned out to be yours. It's even more of a mess with a child from an affair. I would verify with a paternity test when the child is born. She could be lying about how far along she is.

I don't think you can undo what you've done. All of this stuff takes so much more time than we like. It is unfortunate that you will be away on a business trip, because she probably WILL contact the OM.

But do a good Plan A, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. You need to work on your marriage right now.

Thanks, believer. I'll let it lie, then, but try my best to not restrict her freedom in the future. I'd much rather her come back to me because she wants to rather than because she has to.

2 questions:

I read somewhere that I should avoid saying "I love you", which I have repeatedly said to her over and over again each day since the revelation. Is this true? She never returns the sentiment.

Also, I have only exposed the full details to the pastor of my church and his wife so far. I read that exposing to family is often bad (especially my family) because they sometimes hold grudges. Is this true?

YOu need to expose it to everyone who has any input in your relationship. Also expose the other man. That is essential.

It will probably annoy her if you tell her you love her. Just try to figure out what her emotional needs (there is a questionnaire here) and try to meet them. It will be hard while she is still mooning over the OM.

Okay, believer, thanks. So, I should not ask her if its okay to tell, I should just unilaterally tell the people who have influence on her?

I am thinking of waiting until I get back from my trip and waiting a few days to see if she repents before I expose her in that way ... I'd be doing irreparable damage to her reputation, and I'm reluctant to do that (although she deserves it). Does that sound wise?

I would do it unilaterally without telling her. It may end the affair. Don't count on her to maintain no contact on her own. And she will be FURIOUS, but your marriage can withstand her anger better than an affair.

Just tell people that you love your wife, want to save your marriage, but she is having an affair. Enlist their help.

If someone wants to have an A, there are countless ways. I had to cut off all means of contact between my FWW and OM because FWW was incapable of stopping. My FWW also thought countless times of leaving me for OM and the longer they stayed in contact, the more problems this caused. My FWW used to trick the housemaid into giving her money so she could buy phone cards. I still find little stashes of money hidden around the house that FWW long since forgot were there. Eventually my FWW actually thanked me for cutting off the contact because she said she couldn't do it on her own.

You can try to save your WW's reputation or save your marriage. That is your choice but you cannot have both under most circumstances. Exposure is critical to ending the A because it destroys the fantasy. Don't give WW a heads up. Just expose. It really pisses them off but they get over it.

Is OM married? Will exposing him cause him any discomfort? Since he is in another country, exposure is difficult. In my case, I got hold of OM's cell phone and called all his friends and family (he wasn't married but was in another country). That seemed to mitigate his desire to contact my FWW.

You will make missteps trying to save your M but there are not too many serious blunders from which you cannot recover. I would also stop saying ILY for a while.

I would also recommend that you take those texts and conversations and lock them away in a drawer so you aren't tempted to look at them. It serves you no good purpose to look at what they say to each other and it only hurts your resolve and will be a major distraction.

Is the OM married? If so his wife needs to be told.

So they didn't have sex but you thought the baby may be the OM's - how does that work exactly?

It's actually a good sign that she sunk into a depression after you cut lines of communication with OM. She will now be able to withdraw from him and attach to you.

As Believer said, do a good Plan A - meet her needs and avoid LB's and you will find she will start returning to your marriage.

Make your you monitor and maintain No Contact - everything hinges on that.

Don't be too worried about your forcing NC - it doesn't really matter WHY she is back - NC makes all the difference.

Great advice, giorgos, thanks. Its definitely encouraging to hear that there was a positive outcome in your situation. But man, I just can't believe that WW's capable of this type of deception and betrayal. She's a completely different person than she used to be.

OM is not married, and is in a different country as well. I can't get his cell phone, but I know people that he knows (same people my WW knows). I could make the rounds. I was hoping the THREAT of exposure was enough, but I guess I'm hearing from you that it probably isn't. Heck, maybe it just makes it more exciting.

You know if she is willing to end the affair and maintain NC, I don't think I would expose further.

Don't threaten - just do. Your WW is doped up on brain drugs and literally is not her true self. Don't forget that you are currently dealing with an irrational animal backed into a corner. There were a few times when I thought FWW was truly insane. Even her voice would change. You are forced into vigilance and are seeing a thousand things. Only a handfull of them are really important. Trick is to figure out which ones they are but, with practice, you will learn.

The good news is that WW can return to normal once she comes down off the high.

Make OM's life as difficult as you can. Expose to WW's friends and family to the extent that they can help to save the M. What you will find is that there will be enablers. They are beyond evil. I exposed one enabler to her husband and that shut her up.

You have to be prepared for war here. Take no prisoners and don't worry about hurting WW's feelings. If she stays in the M, some day she will thank you for it.

Thanks, bigkahuna.

Re the baby: Without going into graphic detail, she keeps insisting there was no actual penetration, but basically there was everything else, and the guy "finished". But whatever, that's bad enough already.

Re the exposure: Okay, I'm inclined to give her some time and see if she is repentant before additional exposure. Sometimes she does really seem like she's trying to be a wife again, but its hard for me to tell whether that's just a smokescreen.

Then again, maybe giorgos is right too. Ahh, there are no easy answers

Insist on a paternity test when the child is born.

The "rule" if you like is that exposure is only necessary if the affair is ONGOING.

Now from your description, the affair is OVER even though she is not yet committed back to the marriage. But she is in withdrawal from her addiction to the OP. So if you have verifiable No Contact, further exposure is unnecessary and will piss your wife off for no good reason.

IF the affair is ongoing or she breaks NC then loose the dogs of war.

Exposure is VERY effective at ending affairs however if done unnecessarily it's just seen as punitive and no payback for you.

I blitz'ed my wife with exposure and her affair ended within a week, but she had left me for the other person - it was an ongoing affair.

I would not hesitate to recommend full exposure for an ongoing affair.

I agree with Believer on this. I would also ask for a Polygraph. I bet she did have full sex with him. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but WS's LIE.

I also don't think there are too many wrong answers. Nobody can look back and say " gee - if I hadn't done that I could have saved the M". Regardless of your WW's emotional state right now, she still has lower brain function helping keep her on some path. Whether that path leads to you or OM is not yet known but there is little you can do wrong to change the outcome. Just avoid LBs. Whatever WW says is worng with you don't try to correct her. She wants to find ways to hate you because she needs to find ways to justify the A.