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Thanks, bigkahuna, that helps. I guess I can't see the harm in waiting a little bit ... if its really over, then i'll let it go. If its not, then there's another card I can play.
Believer: good advice, though it is painful for me to admit.
Me: 32, FWW: 27, DS: 1
A: 8/08-10/08
D-Days: 9/11/08 (EA); 10/5/08 (PA)
NC: 10/08, Broken/reestabished 2/09
In recovery, better every day
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The child may be yours, but there is some doubt. According to your timeline she would be 4 and a half months pregnant now, is that correct? She may be hiding the truth.
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I also don't think there are too many wrong answers. Nobody can look back and say " gee - if I hadn't done that I could have saved the M". Regardless of your WW's emotional state right now, she still has lower brain function helping keep her on some path. Whether that path leads to you or OM is not yet known but there is little you can do wrong to change the outcome. Just avoid LBs. Whatever WW says is worng with you don't try to correct her. She wants to find ways to hate you because she needs to find ways to justify the A. I totally agree. With her in a withdrawn state right now, you get some "free" Love Busters. Much less harmful now than later in recovery. There are not too many wrong answers as Giorgos says.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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That's reassuring, giorgos.
I'm starting to realize now that the way she views me now is very twisted. She said some very hurtful things, like her love for me was in the past and that now she's tired of me. And she shrugged once when I made the silly mistake of asking her if she thought she could love me again.
Not things I could have *ever* imagined her saying 2 mo ago. I agonized over that for a long time, about what was wrong with me, but i think now i'm starting to see ... WW is possessed at the moment.
Me: 32, FWW: 27, DS: 1
A: 8/08-10/08
D-Days: 9/11/08 (EA); 10/5/08 (PA)
NC: 10/08, Broken/reestabished 2/09
In recovery, better every day
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yes, believer, she is 4.5-5 months pregnant according to the doctor (i was there). I do mostly believe the child is mine -- however, now that I have completely lost whatever trust I once had in her, I just don't know.
Me: 32, FWW: 27, DS: 1
A: 8/08-10/08
D-Days: 9/11/08 (EA); 10/5/08 (PA)
NC: 10/08, Broken/reestabished 2/09
In recovery, better every day
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Ho-hum, that is the same stuff they all spew. She is only justifying her shameful behavior. Let it roll off your back.
You CAN work on changing things that she complained about before the affair.
Since you are going to be out of town, you could give her access to the computer, and install a keylogger on it. Then you could see if she has contact.
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That's reassuring, giorgos.
I'm starting to realize now that the way she views me now is very twisted. She said some very hurtful things, like her love for me was in the past and that now she's tired of me. And she shrugged once when I made the silly mistake of asking her if she thought she could love me again.
Not things I could have *ever* imagined her saying 2 mo ago. I agonized over that for a long time, about what was wrong with me, but i think now i'm starting to see ... WW is possessed at the moment. Exactly right. Don't worry too much about what she says - actions speak louder than words right now.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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BTW - she is most probably lying about having sex - I do recommend a polygraph - the suggestion will send her into a spin and she'll start singing like a canary.
You should certainly tell your pastor about this.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Just out of curiosity, is it normal for people to withdraw completely like that? She just stays curled up on the bed or floor, refuses to look at me or talk to me. Occasionally she gets up to use the restroom or eat or drink...then she goes back to bed (or another bed or couch). When I try to interact with her, she simply ignores me like I'm not there.
However, its confusing because once in awhile she will seem like she's trying to be helpful ... when she saw me doing the laundry, she took it upon herself to fold some clothes. I thanked her. She simply ignored me and returned to bed. Then, another time she offered me a piece of fruit. I thanked her and took it. Again, no response, just back to bed.
What's the correct way to treat her in this situation? Should I just leave her alone?
Me: 32, FWW: 27, DS: 1
A: 8/08-10/08
D-Days: 9/11/08 (EA); 10/5/08 (PA)
NC: 10/08, Broken/reestabished 2/09
In recovery, better every day
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Also - get some of the books off this site - "Suriving an Affair" and "Fall in love, stay in love" and read the infidelity FAQ's
Can you call the Harleys for phone counselling and a plan?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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Just out of curiosity, is it normal for people to withdraw completely like that? She just stays curled up on the bed or floor, refuses to look at me or talk to me. Occasionally she gets up to use the restroom or eat or drink...then she goes back to bed (or another bed or couch). When I try to interact with her, she simply ignores me like I'm not there.
However, its confusing because once in awhile she will seem like she's trying to be helpful ... when she saw me doing the laundry, she took it upon herself to fold some clothes. I thanked her. She simply ignored me and returned to bed. Then, another time she offered me a piece of fruit. I thanked her and took it. Again, no response, just back to bed.
What's the correct way to treat her in this situation? Should I just leave her alone? Yes leave her alone - it will probably take a few weeks for her to start feeling better. Depends on the level of emotional attachment to OM. Are you sure she has not done this before? Withdrawal could take 2-3 months if there is a lot of emotional attachment - unlikely because of the length of the affair. But women generally require emotional attachment before having sex with someone. Are you ignoring my post about a polygraph?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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keyloggers ... polygraphs ... wow, I feel like I'm entering the world of James Bond! Man...but I'll definitely look into it.
I'll order the books, and look into the counseling session, although I'd like for her to be enthusiastic about counseling (she was reluctantly willing but not enthusiastic last time I asked) before I blow that kind of dough ...
Me: 32, FWW: 27, DS: 1
A: 8/08-10/08
D-Days: 9/11/08 (EA); 10/5/08 (PA)
NC: 10/08, Broken/reestabished 2/09
In recovery, better every day
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Not ignoring ... actually, I've never actually known that normal people could give polygraphs...no idea how that works. I think I would like her to submit to one, if it doesn't involve too much drama. Dragging her to a police station seems a bit extreme ...
Me: 32, FWW: 27, DS: 1
A: 8/08-10/08
D-Days: 9/11/08 (EA); 10/5/08 (PA)
NC: 10/08, Broken/reestabished 2/09
In recovery, better every day
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Polygraphs can be done and cost around $300. as I recall. You can install a keylogger for free - SpectorPro and Eblaster are good ones. Then you can see if she is maintaining no contact or still lying to you.
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Pretty sure you will find them in the yellow pages. Her reaction to your request will be telling. She will likely start singing like a canary.
I know how disorientating this is. I went through it 3 years ago and have a wonderfully recovered marriage. An affair isn't the end of the world (but you sure can see it from there)
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Thanks, guys. I'm definitely still riding the emotional roller coaster, but you have no idea how much it helps just to know that others have been through this and survived. Its hard for me to work and to maintain my responsibilities when I am so emotionally crushed. I really DO want to save my M ... I love my WW.
Me: 32, FWW: 27, DS: 1
A: 8/08-10/08
D-Days: 9/11/08 (EA); 10/5/08 (PA)
NC: 10/08, Broken/reestabished 2/09
In recovery, better every day
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Thanks, guys. I'm definitely still riding the emotional roller coaster, but you have no idea how much it helps just to know that others have been through this and survived. Its hard for me to work and to maintain my responsibilities when I am so emotionally crushed. I really DO want to save my M ... I love my WW. I completely understand! It's very debilitating. But you can get through this and have a better than ever marriage. Your marriage can thrive - not just survive. It's a rocky road ahead - particularly for the next 6 months. I recommend finding a way to counsel with Steve Harley a few times with or without your WW.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Don't listen to anything she says. I have always likened it to Linda Blair in The Exorcist. She is in pain and she wants you to suffer. If it is any consolation, she probably won't remember much of what she is saying in a few months. It isn't your wife talking. Don't forget that. Avoid talking about love right now. Focus on maintaining NC.
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BigK,
What purpose does the polygraph serve? I think the sex question is irrelevant as the doubt about paternity already exposed that. Too much information for the BS is not always a good thing and especially right after Dday. Each BS has to decide how much they need to know. Unless it is a case of "I'll only try to save the M if they didn't..... (fill in the blank)", I just don't see the point.
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BTW, my FWW spent days curled up on the bathroom floor with the lights off. I left her alone some times and other times I told her to come out and take care of her children.
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