This is my first post.

Ive read the books, actually took part in 3 seperate couples groups studies.

Been married 16 years.

Some days I think

I married the greatest woman in the world and she is the perfect match for me, and me for her, and we are great parents, and life is great...
but sometimes I think

I made a big mistake...this is the worst...I should have married someone else....and I know my wife feels the same.
Been to 6 different counselors..most together for couples counseling, sometimes seperate for individual sessions

Bottom line for me is this...

In my 44 years I have NEVER met another man like me, who married a woman he wasnt really attracted to.
My wife "promised" me before we got married she would lose weight, keep it off, and grow in the area of her feminity, looks, health, excersise, diet.....that whole area....

So, this topic falls under the..."Men are visual, and sex for men is directly linked to physical attraction"

Am I perfect?.......FAR from it...

But when does a man say..."Well, I made a mistake. I shouldnt have married this woman. She deserves better. It isnt fair. I like her as a friend, she is the best mom in the universe, a great person, but...Im not physically in love...

Maybe its mid-life. Maybe its that 90% of the women I work with are on diets and care about their looks and are always trying to stay in shape and lose weight. Maybe its that my wife does that absolute bare minimum and is maintaing her 15-20 pound overweight body and actually slowly is gaining...

I have lost hope and for the last year or two have been saying something I never thought I would say....

I made a mistake.

Is this possible? Can things change? Can I change?

Are there any MEN out there like me? I have not found ONE in my whole life...I feel so alone.

I forgot to add...

I once googled the following

Should I marry someone Im not 100% attracted to?

One of the threads/sites was actually this question and all of the anwsers could be summarized in the following advise

"Dont marry her. Don't ruin this persons life. Go find someone you are attracted to"

Well, all I can say is that after 16 years of hurting my wife emotionaly, me being frustrated sexually, counselor after counselor, argument after argument, trying 1,000 distractions and to focus on the kids (we have two), work, housework, finances, doing fun things together, etc..etc...

...Im losing hope that things will change.

1. I dont think what I find attractive will change
2. I dont think my wife will get in shape

I need HOPE that it could get better. That would keep me going.

I am not to sure why you married if you weren't in love with her. If you loved her but not attracted to her it must not have been important to you then, but now it is. If you are interested in saving your M you might try something that worked for me when my W gained weight. I told her that I wanted to get in shape myself, but wanted a partner to workout with. It worked! She lost the weight and kept it off, and I was better for it also.

I hope this helps.

2 things.

1. You've already made your choice. You married her..."for better or worse, in sickness and in health". The question of "SHOULD I marry someone I'm not attracted to" is NOW irrelevant.

2. Maybe you are incapable of having intimacy AND be attracted to that same person??? Maybe it's an intimacy issue. Can you name ANYONE that you actually find attractive and, say, could have an intimate relationship??? Just ONE person?? If so, what's her name...for example purposes only.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks.

1. You are correct. That is my goal and my attitude. I am committed till death do us part, and so is she....

2. No I dont know anyone

Basically, I dont have any female friends. I work with a lot of females but its a very public service job and besides eating lunch together thats it.

I guess the reason for my post is searching for other guys in my situation who have had success....it would give me hope..like

"Well, there is at least one other guy who made it work"

I know I have to work on my "issues"...
Anger, forgiveness of self and others, self-esteem, etc...

I know it sounds bad (and Im sure some woman will read this and say Im being to focused on looks and that men should be able to love a 300 pound women for "who she is - not her looks")

I just get overwhelmed when I see so many women with flat stomaches...heh, frankly, I think thats all I would need is a flat stomach for my wife instead of her looking pregnant all the time....because she is in above average shape I think...

Thanks.

Ive always worked out.

She worked out with me before kids and did get in shape.

Since kids she has let it slide. Also, she thinks that I will never like her body so she gives up and says...you didnt like me when I was in the best shape ever...

Not true, I just wanted her to not stop after kids....

So, Im in great shape. She HATES excersise and would never want to do it with me because Im "too controlling and judgemental"

When I read responses like yours I get angry and jealous. Just being honest. I would LOVE for that to happen....but at this point...we avoid even going to the gym at the same time...

When she does go she does the most bare minimum workout....then chugs two glasses of wine at night to put the 300 calories back on before bed....(Im not opposed to wine, I know it has health benefits)....Im just sayin.

sorry I can't help you then.

I actually thought you may be having an affair. Hence, the question about finding another specific woman conveniently attractive. It's quite common for a wayward spouse to use your line of thinking to rationalize and justify themselves out of a marriage and into the arms of their "other person" (i.e. - I NEVER found them attractive enough...sounds like a history rewrite)

Do you look at porn on the computer??? You are anonymous here to please be honest. I mean, where is it you are getting this illusion that you are entitled to something hotter. I'm just not buying that you married her thinking she'd get more attractive. That's not how aging works.

Her pouch (sp?) is a badge of honor and a result of carrying YOUR babies. Just seems a bit cruel to be obsessing about it so. She may need some gym time but you appear to need some counseling time yourself.

What about saving up for a tummy tuck? Six pack abs in a couple hours. Usually plastic surgery is for the person receiving it but in this case she'd be doing it for you.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - physical attractiveness IS an emotional need and part of the MB system; however, emotional needs and the MB principles are NOT rationalizations to consider divorce. Your marriage could be better IF your wife considered your emotional need for an attractive spouse seriously and did something about it....but that's HER issue. MB would direct you to consider how YOU meet your wife's emotional needs...especially her most important ones...such that she will hopefully follow your lead and undertake the system of seriously attempting to meet yours. To get YOUR needs met...focus on meeting hers and see what happens. "Divorce" is NOT part of the proper conversation.

I have struggled with porn. I have struggled with obsessive compulsive type behavior, depression etc...

Ive been to 7 counselors. NONE of them have a clear cut answer. The general theme from them is

Your marriage is much better than you think. Your wife is a awesome and you dont appreciate her enough. You ARE too focused on looks. Yes, she has a belly and could lose a few pounds but she is way above average.[color]
I admit the general theme for me is that my glass is half full.

[color:#FF0000]Im working on it...I admit that 90% of my marriage problems/issues are my fault...

Its the other 10% that Im focusing on here.

Maybe thats the point...I shouldnt focus on the 10%, I should give it up...
Im just saying Im finding it harder and harder over the years...and Im NOT comparing my wife to 20 years old women..Im comparing her to the 45 year old who decided to lose 15 pounds, lift weights, and get a make over.....