I'm curious to find out wether affairs will come to an end if no plan is followed within the statistical 2 year period?

I have been thinking of my journey in trying to save my marriage,and I suppose its natural for me to think of where I've made mistakes during my planA/B.

My state of mind at the beginning of the affair was one of panic,shock and devastation...if I had been level-headed at the time I think I could have done better plans....but I suppose its human nature to experience these emotions during this period.

What are your thoughts?

That was my experience. I kicked my exDH out the day after Dday and did a plan A and B of sorts. I'd come across MB but wasn't able to implement. Like you, I was all over the place emotionally. exDH was your typical WH--fencing sitting, wouldn't give up OW or communication, but was sorry, turned into someone I didn't recognize nor liked or respected. After a year of that nonsense I was done w/ a capital D. That was my struggle. I was devastated but disgusted w/ myself for putting up w/ that BS for a year. I can see where plan B would have helped me and we may have stayed together, but he has so many other issues, I can honestly say I'm glad to no longer be married to him. I hate that for our DD but it's the truth.

Ok to answer your question finally , his affair continued on during that year and fizzled out on it's own. The affair lasted around 2 years total (I think)She was married also and had no intention of leaving her DH. He then later found out that he wasn't the only dude she was cozy with. Served him right for dealing w/ our and his own issues w/ an affair. He also told me, and this is where I lend total credence to the Harley theory of addiction, that he saw what he was doing, recognized the devastation, and couldn't understand why he didn't stop.

He since has apologized, is extremely remorseful and regretful, and I truly believe, in his case, he made a terrible mistake that he paid a very heavy price for. I have forgiven him for the affair and we now are good friends.

HnP,

For the most part - yes, I think they do, irregardless of our "plans". My Ex's lasted about 2 years after it hit the light of day and was out of the closet. He moved in with her and I thought he had found Nirvana. Not so. I have no clue how long he had been carrying on before that. Now, of course, I question if he was having flings throughout our marriage.

One day a switch flipped for me and I got on with my own life. I was done with him. Guess when he started pushing to come back? You guessed it. I talk to him a lot, mostly regarding our son. I spent half my life with him so I do care about his health, etc. But I have no interest in him as a lover or anything more than platonic friends. Just the other weekend he asked me out to dinner. I think it was a date?! I, of course, said no and he has been acting a little hurt.

Honestly, I'm not even that flattered by his offers because I can't help but wonder if he is just really thinking about the $ he would save by moving back, the convenience, etc. Don't really know if it is actually about him missing me.

Oh well. I wish you all the best with your struggle. No one understands better than another BS how deeply this touches your soul.

Take care-

Devastatedwife and Shattered,

Do you think your marriage would have recovered if YOU were willing? Sounds like both WH's wanted to recover, but you were done. Just curious. It seems to happen that way, like Believer's case.

Well Hope,

You know my sit. The A never ended and became a marriage...

Most affairs do come to an end within 2 years, but you have a better chance of saving your marriage if you do Plan A and Plan B. Plan A demonstrates that you are an attractive place to land when the affair ends and Plan B protects the remaining love you have and your mental health.

Women are also very vulnerable to the abuse of an ongoing affair and are susceptible to nervous breakdowns and years of post traumatic stress disorder. This is why Dr. Harley recommends that women stay in Plan A 3-4 weeks. [men longer]


Exposure is also a very big part of this, because affairs thrive on secrecy. Exposure helps the affair die within that 2 years:

I think its important to understand that 2 years is an AVERAGE, not a guarantee. Some wrongly view this as a guarantee and are disappointed and feel cheated when it doesn't come to pass. As cat stated, her H got married to the OW. My XH is STILL shacking up with his OW after NINE YEARS. [last marriage]

I have no direct experience but intuitively I think that the lifespan of an affair may also be influenced by the fallout caused by it - children affected, attitude and acceptance by family and friends, financial impact etc as well as factors like age difference, personality differences and the sensitivity of their consciences.

Thanks guys for your input.....

Basically,what the wayward decides is inevitably out of our hands.....

IMO plan B has helped me cope much better than if I'd maintained direct contact...

Frank Pittman's advice is to go do something else for a couple of years until the affair ends.

Janis Abrahams Springs states the following statistics about affairs:

10% last one day
10% more than one day, less than one month
50% more than a month, less than a year
40% 2 years or more, and the vast majority don't go over 3 years

I think Plan B has protected me from the hurts. I don't think it has helped my sitch, but it's helped me to recover. I totally know the difference when not having WH around and it's peaceful, can be lonely, but not for that monster.

almost ALL relationships end within two years. Unless someone is married, I do not think that most relationships wold last beyond the two year mark....so, it's certainly no great revelation that affairs would end within two years or less...with or without Plan A or B.

I did not know of my FWW's A for most of the time while it was ongoing - only found out about it near the very end. It lasted about 2 years.

Well, he was only ready to recover AFTER he was finished canoodling w/ OW and the fog lifted and he saw what he had done. Whatevs :RollieEyes: By then it was WAY to late for me. I waited around for him for a year and hated myself for it at times and my self esteem was at an all time low. He had his chance and chose to carry on like a love sick idiot after I'd given him 12years of my life, was a good wife and mother and overall person and I chose not to cheat even though I was just as unhappy. BUT we had 12 years together, a child, and at one time a solid marriage and friendship, so I swallowed my pride and made attempt after attempt after attempt only to have him waffle and fence sit and carry on like a general baffoon and who wants to be married to a baffoon I say?

He would reconcile w/ me TODAY I'm 100% certain. Fat chance in that now. I could have written Shattered's post. A switch flipped for me too. I care for my exDH, appreciate him as a great father to DD, see him as a part of my family and I believe he is a good person at his core, but I no longer feel passion or THAT kind of love for him. Affair aside, he's got way to much else going on. I prefer him in the role he is in now....good friend and my baby daddy

"Well, he was only ready to recover AFTER he was finished canoodling w/ OW and the fog lifted and he saw what he had done"

LOL. Mine was the same, only his affair went on for 3 and a half years. By that time I was done. He still calls and wants to get back together. Last night I asked him why he and OW ended the affair. Told him I wanted to post the story of the end here on MB.

B:

I'm beginning to WONDER about you and your XH...

Mimi - LOL, so were others on a past thread. But, no, I'm thoroughly done with him. No respect left. If things don't work out with my sweetie, I would rather be alone.

Okie dokie, B!!

Mimi,

I've said the same thing..........hmmmmmm....I am not completely sure that "the end" is there for her yet.....


not2fun

You slay me! AND I would love to know. You and I joined here within a month of each other (I lurked for a LONG time)and I've followed your story over the years. I'm a great admirer