Greetings all, it appears from viewing this board that I am not alone. Unfortuanately, I feel more lonely than ever. I am the last to find out my H has OC that is 1yrs old. The affair happened during a extremly rocky time in our relationship. The worst part for me is that the OC is with a friend of H's sister. His family knows her because he and his two sisters went to high school with this person. The absolute worst part is she is a hair dresser and my daughter was one of her clients for a while. My 5 yr old daughter thinks she is great and doesn't know that the kid is her little brother yet. Not sure how to even start those talks but I know that we will have to at some point.

Anyway, I always knew something had gone on between the two of them and accused him several times of having a relationship with her that went beyond friendship, but I never in a million years dreamed they had a child. I knew they were friends and he denied the there was anything going on. After awhile she disappreared. I did'nt hear her name for months so I figured all of the praying I was doing really removed the temptation from him and that she was no longer a threat. Little did I know the only reason I wasn't hearing her name anymore was because she was pregnanat and trying to get him to be with her which he immediately rejected. I only believe it was rejected because I heard it from the OW mouth.

Long story short she knew about me, knew we have a kid, knew he did'nt want the baby,knew he had a child by a previous relationship in college, and still settled for being "Baby Mama" number 3. From what I understand she told him that she could not abort the baby due to her own health reasons which sounds like absolute BS.

His family knew long before me which is a huge source of humiliation for me, he pretty much threatened all of them in fear of losing me and our daughter,I came to find this out later so I can't be mad at his family I think they thought it was right. Besides blood is always thicker than mud. I just wish I wouldn't have been the last to know. Now I don't know what to do, at some point this child is going to start coming around and the mother will too I'm sure. He has been supporting the OC financially with little contact which I resently found out, but I think the pressure from his family to bring the baby around is starting to weigh on him. When he finally told me he said they all met with him (kinda similar to an intervention) and told him to tell me or they would. One of his sisters experienced the same thing and told me she wanted to talk to me but he finally told me first to keep me from finding out from her.

My H has let me know straight out that she will never be a part of the family but the child will of course, but knowing his family, they will carry on a relationship with both the mother and child anyway regardless even if he doesn't know about it. I have choosen to stay with him and work it out because I love him, I know he loves me and I know that this was a fling and the partenity of the child is still in question. I think the rough part is how do I handle everyone knowing now that I know ( I feel stupid for not sensing something was up, and probably would'nt have found out if I didn't start snooping thru his email), not sure how to handle OW/OC, and restoring our relationship. Please share your thoughts. I am over here in shock and falling apart.

Not sure what steps to take first to help myself thru this ordeal. Do I go with him to pick up the baby, do I introduce myself to her, should I stay out of the picture? So lost

If you read this far, please reply with something. I need any advice I can get, or at least some kind words.

Welcome to MB. I know you must be in a state of shock, but at least it is all out in the open. My advice is to insist on a paternity test right away. You must establish that this is his child. Then see an attorney to make everything legal.

I say this because the OW may use the child against your marriage. That happened to me 27 years ago. My husband had an OC and kept her a secret for 2 years. Same thing - his family knew. But the OW refused to do anything legally. We got very close to the OC and had her constantly while mom was trying to "get on her feet". Then, when the child was 8, mom moved across the country with a boyfriend, changed her name, and we lost contact.

Last year the OC contacted my sons through My Space, and they are close again. Her father died before we found her. It was sad all around.

So establish legal rights to this child. Then YOU and your husband make the decisions about how to blend the child into your family. I told my sons' the truth when they were 2 and 4, and they took it well, and always talked about their sister.

Be sure hubby keeps receipts of child support he gives her also, so she doesn't go on welfare and he ends up paying back support.

And he should have no contact with the OW. Arrangements can be made through YOU.

Believer thanks so much for your kind words and advice. Question how did you deal with his family knowing that they knew all along and let you walk around clueless for so long?

It was upsetting at the time, and a HUGE shock. I found out, not by anyone telling me, but found some pictures of my husband, the OW, and a child. The baby looked just like my husband.

I kind of had the opposite problem that you have. His family didn't want anything to do with the OC, and it was a struggle to include her. His sister to this day doesn't want to hear anything about the OC, and she is still angry that I told my sons.

But sounds like his family was trying to protect the marriage. I urge you to talk things over with hubby, be proactive and insist that the OC fit into YOUR life. The OW needs to have no relationship with your hubby WITHOUT you. She most likely won't want that, so prepare for a struggle.

You and your husband need to remain united in making decisions.

Yeah I think they were trying to protect the marriage too. I think it just hurts knowing that they've known all this time. I can't tell you how many holiday dinners, special occasions, etc. have taken place, all the while a secret is being held. I thought they didn't like me because conversations were brief, I was invited out on a couple of events but I didn't go because something always felt funny when I was around his sisters. In hindsight it all makes sense.

The worst part is he is depressed and crying alot. I was torn apart for a couple of days but now I'm numb. I don't think I have anymore tears left.

I just found out Tuesday. Wish I would've had someone to talk to but I was just too humiliated and embarrassed about the whole thing. I have been wanting to have another baby for so long and expressed this to him and his family even had surgery early this year. I don't want to imagine what must have been going thru their minds and his. He said he wanted to tell me but knew I would be devastated because I wanted a son so badly and now he has one with someone else.

It's hard but I'm better than I was. I just want to make sure I don't leave any opening for something like this to happen again.

Oh, great, HE'S depressed. What about you?

You will be able to get through this. Keep posting here and others will jump in. Weekends are slow.

First, take charge of the marriage and work on that. Read the emotional needs questionnaire here and be sure the two of you meet each other's needs.

Then present a united front to the OW and his family. Insist on a paternity test and that everything is legal so that this doesn't come back and bite you.

Get hubby's buy-in that the OW WON'T be part of the family any longer. I'm sure if he asks, they will respect his wishes.

If the OW refuses to go along with YOUR plans, then he just won't see his son. You want to start this out right, with YOUR rules.

LOL, yeah I know right the nerve of him to be depressed.

I think I'm good considering. We went on our date night and had our daughter stay with my mom as scheduled to try to stay somewhat normal this week. I think it kept our minds off the mess for a bit which was nice, the drinks helped too.

Anyway thanks so much for your advice, it has really been a blessing.

Atta-girl. Stay calm and in control. I know how difficult it is. When I found out, my whole life seemed to be going down the drain.

Now the OC is a blessing in my life and in my sons' life. And since I'd told them all their life about their sister, it was no big shock, they were extremely excited. She calls and emails them and has been down from San Francisco three times for a week long visit.

The only thing that makes me sad is that her dad didn't live long enough to be reunited with her.

I bumped up my thread for you to check out.

I read your story, very inpiring.

It's hard but getting easier by the day. The OW in my story is a little bit of a low life too so I am very concerned for the child.

I don't want to be his mom I still had dreams of having another child of my own soon. I just want him to be okay. I'm know that NC will not be possible I just want to make sure our relationship is restorable and that the child doesn't suffer.

Thanks again for your kind words and advice

It will be like riding a rollercoaster. Some days you will be very resentful and other days you will be sure you can do this.

Make a plan with hubby and get all of your ducks in a row. We spent thousands of dollars just trying to keep a roof over the OC's head the first 8 years. But it was all filtered through mom. And then on a whim, she disappeared.

I have known men whose OW collected welfare and they ended up owing huge amounts of money for a child they didn't even see, or in one case, know about.

I would say that you have nothing to be ashamed about. You did nothing wrong. You have no blame in this. In faact, you are the bigger, better person here. To entertain the thought of bringing the OC into your family puts you above those around you.

Believer you seem to be very knowledgeable about this kinda thing.

We obviously need to work on a plan to restore our relationship and not just pretend to have a united front but actually be unbreakable thru this.

I have never met or talked to this woman but at some point I know I will have to see her or have some type of contact with her. At this point do you think it would be wise to talk with her?

He has told me that she doesn't call but sends text messages stating that her and the baby haven't seen him in a while. The child is a year old and he has only seen him four times but is supporting financially, which also caused problems because I was wondering where his money was going.

Anyway, according to him the talks they have had are volitale tetering on explosive, due to him not wanting the child or anything to do with her. She doesn't know that I know yet but I'm sure she is hoping that I find out and leave him which has crossed my mind all week, but I can't bring myself to leave. I was emotionally blind sided on this one. Never thought I would be one of those women that would stay or be able to love like this.

What should be our first step other than paternity and legal stuff. How would you suggest blending the families. I absolutely have no intentions of making her a part of our lives at all, she is not welcome anywhere in my space, however I do want my H to be a part of his child's life.

I usually don't post on this forum, but do read here because of my situation. Hopefully more people will weigh in. There are some experts here and if you keep posting, you will be able to get into the private pregnancy/OC forum.

By blending families, I'm talking only about the OC.

This will be hard at first. Don't talk to the OW. Hubby and you need to present a united front. Get started on that.

And the first step is establishing paternity. You would be surprised at the number of folks here who had the test and found out that the husband was NOT the father.

Have you ever watched the talk shows on finding the baby's daddy? Sometimes they test up to 16 men.

OMG B! I spit OJ thru my nose onto my keyboard reading that. Are you serious????

Jo

Yes, Jo. I think it is mainly Maury Povic(sp?). The woman will come on looking for baby daddy, insisting it is one guy. I have seen them test up to 16 men. And each time they swear that this guy will be the father.

YIKES!

And there have been many on this forum that found out that their hubby wasn't the proud dad.

Duck, welcome to MB and the p/c board. Sorry many of us don't drop in as much as we used to.

First, I am very sorry that your H hid the A and the OC from you. It is very painful to have a bombshell dropped on you like that. Your M has a good chance of recovering if you work the MB program. I strongly recommend counseling with the Harley's if you can. Additionally, your H needs to stop contact with OW, at least outside of your presence. Many of these men will not stop C completely due to the OC. Many OW will use this to her advantage and use the OC as leverage to continue the A.

As for the OW, she is not a part of your family. If you decide to integrate the OC into your family, it does not include her.

Most important. This needs to be done legally. The $$ your H is giving OW could be seen as "gifts" by the court since it is not legally ordered CS. He may have wasted his money. He needs to get court ordered DNA to establish paternity. Then CS legally set up and visitation IF that is what the two of you POJA. (See basic concepts for Policy of Joint Agreement)

Do not contact the OW. She will only lie to you.

Keep reading and posting.

Well I wish that was a possibility but this kid looks just like my daughter so I don't think I will be one of those happy women that will have the sigh of relief, however the test will be taken asap.

The only way I can move forward is to find out everything, even the most unpleasant stuff.

Tonight the family is getting together for dinner. I'm sure the word has spread that I know now so I'm sure I'll have something new to share later this evening.

Thanks to all who have posted a message or provided advice.

Discovering this site has helped me a lot over the past week. I never imagined so many couples were facing the same issues.

I know we will be fine and I think as mad as I am at him, I am happy he finally told me. The stress must have been killing him and my constant financial forensics analysis on a monthly basis was probably enough to make him want to confess everything.

Funny you brought up the 16 men being tested, I used to watch those shows in amazement never thinking I would someday possibly be involved in a situation where this could even be a possibility.

Well, what happened at dinner?

It didn't happen. Dinner postponed until Thursday night. Funny, I'm kinda looking forward to it too.

The H is fully onboard with the united front there no hesitation arguements or resistance on his part which is making this a little easier to deal with.

We ordered the MB books (His Needs/Her Needs, Love Busters, and How to Survive Infidelity)last night and I am really looking forward to trying a different approach because we are obviously clueless.

Anyway thanks for checking in. I will definitely give you the scoop