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#2141231 10/12/08 10:29 PM
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I'm the daughter of a closet alcoholic, abusive and neglectful parents. I've heard that you always end up with someone like your father (if ur female) and that seems to be what I keep on getting myself into.
The last guy wasn't drinking anymore, but after we'd been together for a couple of weeks I guess he thought he had me for good and started getting more and more neglectful and self-centered.

Does anyone here know how to break that cycle. I need to figure out how but I'm not sure where to go to get help figuring out what to watch for. I'm tired of always ending up with men that are like my xh who came in drunk one night and said, "Why are you being so good to me when I'm being such a bas***d to you?"

Any books on it or particular web sites? I've already googled it, but didn't really find anything that way.

I'm ready to break the chains that bind. I do believe I deserve better (took a lot of counseling to get there), I just seem to keep on hooking up with that type of man.

Help!
RMW

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Two resources that got me started on my personal recovery as a daughter of an alcoholic included books by Claudia Black, a book about the elephant in the living room Elephant book and this book about intimacy Struggle for intimacy.

I was already married. What we didn't know was my husband had some of the same relationship/intimacy avoidance reflexes and he was one generation removed from the addiction of alcohol.

Hope these resources help.

Remember - you never had appropriate role models for relationships - how to negotiate, get along, resolve conflict, create win-win, etc. Don't expect yourself to be ready to do these things in a healthy way or expect someone you're with to be there instantly - But you will heal yourself and then you'll know what to do in a relationship when you find a decent guy.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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What an AWESOME question!

The best way I know of is to research your FOO and find out how you interacted with them to get what you needed as a child. A great book for that is Emotional Alchemy. Not about alcoholism, but about YOU. Awesome stuff.

And, of course, IC.

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I too am a daughter of alcoholic parents, and they weren't even remotely in the closet about it.

I also had the string of poor relationships with abusers for most of my 20s. After that I got counseling which helped tremendously. However, what worked the best was not dating or being in a relationship for over two years. This forced me to depend on myself and to quit looking so much for validation by others.

I hiked, canoed, traveled, made friends, saw lots of movies, read hundreds of books, and generally learned how to like myself. Before this, I'd never gone more than a few months without a relationship. The 2 year hiatus was life changing. I am a much more confident, calm, and reasonable person now than I was then.

Also, after the break I met a wonderful man whom I later married. Since I wasn't putting out the signals of desperation I attracted a much nicer class of man.

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I'm the daughter of a functional alcoholic wasn't abused or anything but my parents' marriage was pretty dire and they finally seperated 4 years ago.

I haven't come off too badly thankfully, I met a wonderful man at 19 and we've been together for almost 10 years but there are definitely issues that we wouldn't have had without my background. I find trust very hard and I'm always waiting for something horrible to happen. I have a very addictive personality I believe although thankfully its never completely overtaken me with any one thing, mostly I'm sure thanks to the support of my husband.

Discovering marriage builders has been fantasic for me (its now my latest addiction) because out of everywhere I've looked its the first place that has made me feel like its ok to have my own peculiar sensitivities and to fit the marriage around them rather thn conducting our marriage as a copy of everyone else's and just dealing with it making me miserable.


Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
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THanks everybody,

I too have spent some time alone. Since Feb. of last year I didn't even consider dating until I took my finals in May of this year. Then I met a guy that was OK, but I just wasn't ready. We went out a few times, but there were so many things that I would have had to deal with that I knew at that point I couldn't take it all in and deal with it, so we decided to just be friends.
Then in Aug. I hooked back up with an old bf. He had gone to counseling and has stopped drinking, but he still has no understanding on controlling his "control issues" and the counselor diagnosed him a sex addict also. He won't go back to counseling. Says he doesn't have the money, but Fri went out and spent $150 on "fun stuff", so I know he could affort $27 for an office visit. He refused to work on radical honesty or the POJA. And I caught him in so many lies that I finally had enough on Sunday and just called it off.

At least I have learned when to back off and call it quits instead of putting myself through ****. Right now even the thought of being with another guy just makes me say YUK!! I don't want to go there again.

The 15 months I spent alone and in counseling, I actually got over being depressed all the time. I went out with friends, studied, went to school, gave massages, and studied some more!!
In fact I didn't even start feeling any depression again until I started going out with the previous bf. At least this time I dumped him before I let him drag me to the bottom where I couldn't pull myself up without help.

I'm just wondering if I'm only attracted to messed up guys or (considering I've only dated 2 since Feb of last year) if I just haven't gotten lucky and found a good one yet.

Either way - I AIN'T dating again for a while. I go for my National Board in massage therapy in 4 weeks and I DON'T need the stress that another relationship could cause. I'm happier by myself!! (and of course with friends ).

Think I'm kind of addicted to this place here. I know it always helps when I have a complicated Q to go ask Dr. H! And it helps to read up on everyone else's stuff and be able to relate to it.

Thanks again everybody!!
RMW

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 Originally Posted By: RMW
At least I have learned when to back off and call it quits instead of putting myself through ****. Right now even the thought of being with another guy just makes me say YUK!! I don't want to go there again.


RMW, this is what an ACOA needs to do. You handled this perfectly and used your mind to make good decisions. We only end up with people like our parents if we CHOOSE SUCH PEOPLE. But we have full control over our choices. And are fully responsible for our choices. Our choice of a marriage partner does not just "happen" to us against our will. It happens as a result of our WILL.

If you don't want to end up with another alcoholic, I would make darn sure you don't choose one. I am married to a man who doesn't even drink and hates to go to bars. That is not by chance, but by CHOICE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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