My story is long, but I will try and condense.

About two years ago my husband and I moved cross country for his job. We had a new house and baby. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The move was good, but had some stresses. We could not sell our old house, hastily bought a new one, and I was adjusting to not working, leaving family and friends. All pressures fell on my husband's shoulders and we were all alone.

We've always had a great, strong relationship. He came from broken home. Parents unreliable, with both essentially abandoning him as a child. He was a delinquent teenager, had to deal with an evil stepmom, etc. I thought he had risen above these issues.

With the added stresses we would fight more than usual. One resulted in my husband saying sometimes he can't handle the marriage and felt he did not always love me the same. He was afraid our marriage would only get worse.

I tried to make things better for him, but he began to regress. He started putting up walls, becoming introverted, hanging out more with friends and drinking.

We tried counseling. He was committed to making things work. He always expressed he didn't know why he was doing what he was doing. He was constantly confused. We established there was/is no one else and I believe all that would have come out in the wash.

After a couple months, I concluded he may be suffering from depression. After three good counseling sessions and one bad weekend, he said he was done with the marriage. He had become unreliable, selfish and increased drinking. He was hanging out with much younger coworkers and ditching his family responsibilities.

Unfortunately, I could not fathom being alone. We agreed to work on ourselves and decided I would need to move back home with our daughter. He said he needed to try and "get better." He agrees he does not want to be rash with his feelings and began individual therapy. I have asked many times in anger, etc. if he does want a divorce now, and he says he wants to go to therapy and see what happens.

So now we are ten weeks into our separation. My daughter and I are back west. He is tortured with being lonely, but continues to go out and drink. I trust him when he says he is faithful and not in that frame of mind. He says his feelings haven't changed, but he is enjoying therapy and it does seem that he is coming to some realizations. He waffles and says he sees a light at the end of the tunnel but doesn't know what it means and then says (when angry) he doesn't want to be my husband.

On top of this, my company offered me my old job back and due to an uncertain future I took it. He is actually accepting a job transfer in Albuquerque to be closer. He says if we get back together we will make it all work.

I still believe he is faithful to our relationship and realizes another person would only complicate his already stressed out life. He is very close to his sister. She and I have been speaking throughout this. She spoke with him and confirms this from his conversation. She said she knows he respects me and our marriage too much to do something like that. Plus he is leaving town in four weeks...

I have asked her if he is OK with this big move coming up. She said he sounds good, excited and even a little relieved. I mentioned I am getting the feeling he realizes he needs to get away from this environment.

She agreed. She said he thinks about the situation more than he lets on, does not go out as much as he lets on. She also said he thinks it will be quieter in his new town, less to do. Less distraction. In so many words he said this move will allow him the opportunity to really think about things without distractions of friends, etc. I told her I don't know what to do with this information, but I feel good about it and it validates things. She does believe with his history he doesn't believe he can fix what was "wrong" with our marriage. She thinks he would want to if he could. She gently urges me to move on, but she still has hope for us. He even tells her, you never know we could get back together even if we divorced.

I am a friend on his facebook. He went to a wedding away this weekend with a bunch of coworkers. I feel these people inadvertently helped o contribute to his feelings. I saw some photos from the wedding. In two he was dancing closely and provocatively with one I know he was close with. He must have been really drunk cause that is the only time he dances. I believe it is nothing, but I don't know what to make of it all. There are also many joint friends of mine and coworkers of his at the wedding, it would have looked bad if he was being inappropriate. The thing is, I know he was online writing things on myspace and facebook for a couple hours after the wedding. Sounds pretty innocent.

As you can see, this is a long story. There are many holes to fill. He is confused and continuously confusing me. I just need advice on how to deal with all of this. Our foundation allows us to continue a close, friendly relationship. I believe my husband cares very deeply for me. I am just not sure why he is doing this. He said he is has not fixed the issues in his head yet. He also believes sometimes he does not deserve my love. All this hurts. I feel in the end, I believe he broke our marriage, I am not sure if I want him back, and that he is destroying his life. I am not sure if this will work itself out, I try to come to the realization I need to move on, but it is so hard after nine years of being together.

Thank you for reading... if you have made it this far.

Hi Cleo, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you read 'basic concepts'? Do you have some idea what MB is about?

The boards are quiet in the evening, some vets should come along in the morning.

Lil

Hello,

I will check out basic concepts. Someone just recommended this site and I may have jumped the gun so to speak.

I look forward to any helpful advice.

Cleo

What are you looking for?

Do you want to try and connect with him right now?
Do you want to work on you, and keep some distance from him while he gets his act together?
Do you suspect he might be having an affair and want to find out for sure?

It's not clear from your post what it is you want. You'll get help once folks understand what you want to accomplish.

OK. Thank you for the help.

I am not ready to reconnect with him right now. We have a lot of work to do on each other. He is not the same man I married, even the one I knew a year ago. This behavior is not like him. He is going to therapy and said nothing is changed, he is not fixed yet. I am not sure if he will ever be "fixed" inside his head. He blames his childhood for all this, and isn't sure if he can ever change. He apologizes to me for not being able to fix it...

I am working on me. I am trying to keep distance, but it is hard. I find myself reaching out to him once and a while. He likes to do video chat with my daughter almost every night. She is two, so not much chatting happens. He ends up talking with me most of the time. Like nothing has changed. I am trying to be distant, but it is hard to go cold turkey.

I am not sure if he is having an affair. I don't believe anything was happening while we were physically together. I asked and he denied it many times. Admitting it would have actually been the "easy" thing for him to do at times.

Now that we are separated I am not so sure. He has friends from work. They hang out sometimes. They know all about me and us. I believe he is sharing his emotions with a few, because he feels he has no one else to talk with. It is not good for him and I to talk about the relationship right now. Not sure if I would consider that an emotional affair. Physically, I don't know. The photos I reference are not cool, but I am not sure it went beyond that. If anything, it is him being intoxicated and/or trying to feel any happiness in his life right now. I don't believe it is anything serious because he is moving out of town soon to be closer to us. At this point I don't need to know for sure. I always thought he would be honest with me about this type of thing. He always has in the past, now I am not so sure. I hurt enough as it is and I am trying to move on.

Actually the girl in question is going through something very similar right now. She has her own issues and is separated from her husband - a man she was trying to have a baby with not too long ago. This dancing behavior happened in from of friends and coworkers who know me, us and consider me a friend. This would get back to many important people within his company and may not look good. His rep is on the line, and he knows this. He has expressed it before. That evening he was actually online. I notice from his facebook and myspace pages. He was posting for about a couple hours. Not necessarily the behavior of someone who is having a good time cheating. He admits on his pages he is trying to stay on the straight and narrow as he navigates through this difficult time.

Sorry for the long response. I hope this helps. I am just looking for some insight from people who may have experienced something similar. I want to see if there is any hope for us long way down the road and if there is infidelity, can we fight back from that.

I sense a lot of uncertainty and ambivalence in you right now:

I am not ready to reconnect with him right now.
I am trying to be distant, but it is hard to go cold turkey.
I am not sure if he is having an affair.
I am trying to move on.
I want to see if there is any hope for us long way down the road and if there is infidelity, can we fight back from that.

On the one hand you're trying to establish a distance and move on. On the other hand you ask if things can work out in the long run.

I noticed the majority of your response was dedicated to wondering if he's having an affair, analyzing his behavior, and talking yourself into believing it's impossible. This is actually a secondary matter but yes it can be overcome. Many here have overcome infidelity and have marriages that they would not trade for the pre-affair marriage.

What you need to do is decide what a good marriage looks like to you. How do you define it? Then identify some criteria that must be met in order for you to be happy in the marriage. Communicate these to your husband. Not as a threat, mind you. This is NOT a "if I can't have A, B, and C, I'm packing up and filing for divorce". This is more of "Here is what a good marriage looks like to me. Here's what I'd like to see us doing. What do you think?"

Then focus on yourself and how you can be a better person and wife. Your H will join you or he won't. You can't worry about that now, because you can't control him, you can only control yourself. You'll know when he's making progress or when you've had enough. Until then, focus on YOU.

I do have some observations about your current situation:
- It is fine to reach out to him. Whether you reconcile or split, your daughter needs parents that get along and parent well together.
- Distance is not good for a marriage. If you even think you want to be married, you should be together.

Of course, given his behavior, if I were you I'd have some boundaries around "being together". I'd tell him I wanted to be with him, and that in order for that to happen he has to share his MySpace and Facebook passwords, not go out w/o you, and not associate with females one-on-one (in a group or with you along is fine). Establish whatever boundaries you need and decide the consequences if those boundaries are crossed. Let him move in if he agrees to the conditions - I'd even have him sign something saying he knows the boundaries and consequences. Then if he crosses a boundary, out he goes until he's ready to comply.

Of course during all this you need to be working on yourself, too. I don't know of any marriage that gets into trouble when only one of the partners is at fault, unless an addiction is involved.

What do you think?

Thank you. Great information and gives me food for thought.

You are right I am confused right now. He does not make it easy because he is so confused.

A good marriage to me is a loving, trusting partnership of respect. Two people who are confidants and aren't afraid to be honest. They work together for the good of the team. This is what we used to have. It is long gone right now, but we have the foundation to rebuild it. We always said we were best friends first and foremost.

I am making strides to focus on me. Everyday it gets easier. I am spending time with friends and working hard for my daughter and myself. For example, I am going away camping with friends this weekend. I am also going to therapy to work on myself.

Right now, we are not at a stage to have boundaries. He wants to life his life right now. I am trying to do the same. If we come back together, I think these are fair expectations. I believe he will have to earn me back when the time comes. And I believe it will. I think he might realize his mistakes at some point. His family agrees. It just may be too late. I have told him this and he did express some fear at the prospect.

Don't let that fool you.

BTDT.

Charlotte

Very true. I guess my question is why wouldn't he admit it? What does have to gain? If he wants to be with her, wouldn't he do so?

I have asked countless times in anger, when he was crying, when he was drunk, during couple counseling, anything explanation to understand his behavior. His mom asked not too long ago. I believe his sister has asked, she knows nothing. He denied and said why does everyone keep asking me that. I guess things could change at any time. If he had someone, he is leaving her. Moving thousands of miles away. Maybe it is an escape. Don't know. Wonder if I care anymore. I care, but it is more of a pride thing. That man was mine. Can't think of anyone else with him.

Just a little update.

We have set plans to visit my husband at his new place for Thanksgiving. It works out best for my job and for my daughter to have as much time with him as possible. Not sure if we are going to spend Thanksgiving Day together. That would most likely be my choice and I am not sure if I want to.

On another note, he mentioned to be a few weeks ago he smoked pot with some buddies. He then admits these buddies (who he hangs with quite often) are potheads. He says he didn't know until know. I don't mind the occasional recreational drug use, but too much, well you know.

So last night he called to say good night to our daughter. He went out and sometimes when he goes out he stays at his buddy's place. Probably too messed up to drive home. He says he can't deal with being in our house and it makes him go crazy. I try to believe him because he always volunteers this information. I figure if he was doing something really inappropriate he could do it at our empty house and be home or he wouldn't tell me he was sleeping away. Perhaps I am being naive again. I even question, if he was unfaithful would I even care? I know this isn't my husband and he is not acting like himself.

Anyway, I speak with him and am 99% sure he is high. He is yawning alot, slow speech and losing focus. My daughter is trying to talk with him and he is talking over her to talk to me. It pissed me off and I told him to be quiet, she is speaking.

Now I ask you for those who have been through this, who abducted my husband and replaced him with this guy? Where did my real husband go? I believe again this is a combo of depression and mid life crisis. Will my real husband come back? Cause I don't want this one.

How old is your daughter? Why would you consent to him using her to get to you?
Also..."if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck..."
Your husband is a doper because he chooses to be.

My daughter is 2.5. I am not sure I understand your question.

Re:
My daughter is trying to talk with him and he is talking over her to talk to me. It pissed me off and I told him to be quiet, she is speaking.

That's what I mean, he's supposed to be making contact with his daughter and instead uses the opportunity to get to you.

It seems like you are unsure about what he's up to...that's what I meant about the duck reference. He's left, he's hanging out with the wrong crowd, he's smoking pot...he's up to no good.

Thanks for the clarification.

Hmmm. I really never thought of it that way. Last night was the first time it really did annoy me. He is supposed to be talking to her, she is actually babbling into the phone and he talking to me. This happens quite a bit and I have tried to back off a little from talking to him. Other times he doesn't talk to me at all. My IC thinks these are signs that he misses me more than he leads on. So what, if anything, do I do with this?

Yeah, I know what you mean about the duck reference. I do believe that is what he is doing. Not sure if that is leading to anything else. I feel it is all a way for him to drown in his sorrows. Most of the time I think I pity him, but not in a good way.

What do you do when you husband can start showing signs of improvement, calling, emails, etc, and then all of a sudden act like a jerk, says he doesn't want to talk, etc? I don't want to talk but then I have to because of our daughter. The whole time he acts annoyed, etc. How do I balance his moodiness without taking it so personally?

It sounds like he is torn between two lives, two worlds. He wants you so he's nice to you, but he wants the other life and feels you stand in his way so he acts like a jerk. WS do act like jerks, expect it. They don't make sense, they are Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Until he is out of the fog, he will be like this. Where you see them vacillating back and forth, however, it is a good sign, it means he hasn't given up the thought of being with you. What you need to do is show him the way back to you. Have you read the materials on this site? Have you studied up on Plan A to start with?

I guess that is a good sign. He acted like a jerk again yesterday. Mentioned me was going to Michigan today. It is a three-hour drive and it just came out - What's in Michigan. He responds, "Don't worry about what's in Michigan." I actually don't care. I figure I know what it is and it is innocent, so why the attitude? The attitude comes on when I think he has been drinking or drugging. The thing is he is leaving this life behind when he moves closer in a couple weeks.

I am learning not to take it personally. But then during the day he emails with favors, all nice, etc. I agree that he hasn't given completely up on us. I am getting tired of it. I didn't do anything to be treated like that and in the past he never talked to me that way.

Ugh. I have some of the materials, but will check out Plan A.