Okay,

My wife has also posted in here recently. This is my issue. I married my wife before planned. We had found out that she was pregnant and I wasn't having a child without being married. 18 months after his birth, I found out that he was not my bio child.

I am trying to figure out what to do with the recentment I feel towards my wife.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. That must have been a HUGE shock.

So she lied to you about having relations with another man? Or did you know that? How long did you date before you married?

We dated in 1990 for a year. Then I had found someone else and married another. Shortly after, she married another man. We kept in contact the entire time.

We both ended up divorced. I wrote her every week for 3 years prior to coming back to the city she was in. In nearly every letter I asked her what her relationship with God was. I also made sure she knew I had no intent in getting married to her.

When I came back to town she had broken up with her BF. She had stated that she had not had sex with him. A couple months later when she and I had been having sex, we found out she was pregnant. I wasn't having a child without being married and so we got married.

During the first ultrasound the time frames did not add up. When I questioned her she explained that they are not accurate all the time.

When my son was born he had jauntice. I was under the impression that this was an indicator of a premature birth. I later found out that all children could have this.

I truly love my son even though he is not my DNA. I love my wife also, yet I have a ton of resentment towards her for the bond I have with the child and the bond he has with me. This isn't the life I pictured or wanted, raising children that are not mine.

At this point she wants to give me my own, yet she now has four with four different fathers.

I do love her and she deeply loves me. I just can't seem to find a way to look at her with this love and to show it to her.

Well, what IS her relationship with God like? Does she have custody of all of the children?

I don't blame you for being resentful. Anyone would be. Is she willing to make some changes in her life?

She is working really hard on her relationship with God.

We are 37. Two of the children are over 18 and gone. Her son is 13 and lives with his father. We have custody of a 4 year old grandaughter and my son.

She is really willing to work on our marriage. I have now done things that have harmed the marriage as well. I just need to find a way to fix myself.

She did release me from the marriage earlier tonight, however if I am with her or without her, I need to deal with these feelings.

She may have released you from the marriage, but God hasn't. If you are a Christian, you know that God hates divorce.

I suggest you both work the MB program and on your walk with the Lord. You ARE the father of your son at this point and he is depending on you.

You can have a wonderful life, even though it isn't what you pictured. Most of us didn't get the exact life we pictured, but are still very content.

If your wife changes and is repentent, you can overcome your resentment.

Jesus is Lord and I have sat here tonight being still and listening and I just cant seem to hear Him. I know He is with me, I really do know that. I know He hates divorce. At this point, to stay would mean never having a child of my own and leaving would be against God.

Please don't misunderstand. Staying or leaving, I am my son's Daddy. DNA or not. He is inocent.

How important is having a DNA child to you?

And the Lord doesn't work on our timing, but on HIS. As you walk in obedience to HIM you will start feeling his presence more in your life.

I have step children and a grown child from my ex's affair who I love every bit as much as my bio children. And they love me more than their bio drug addicted moms.

You have every right to be resentful, but don't make the mistake of giving up without trying the MB program.

Okay, now I need damage control. My wife just came in and read what I wrote. She now feels that I am saying that she isn't worthy of having my child and is extremely upset. This isn't what I meant. I can't afford the house I have to run now, let alone bringing another mouth into play.

She is very strong willed. Any idea on what I should do with her anger?

She really needs to not be reading your thread, and you should not be reading hers.

I don't know why she thinks you think she is not "worthy" to have your child. You didn't say that. Seems to me you are trying to fix the problems that exist NOW. She is getting way ahead of herself.

I hope she will agree to try the MB plan. Anger and disrespectful judgements have no place in the plan.

We had started reading the MB plan and even put some things into use ie radical honesty, which is why I didn't stop her from reading my thread. I now see that was another mistake on my part.

Radical honesty is a good start. Also meeting each other's emotional needs. There is a questionnaire here on that. The other thing is not draining each other's love bank with angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements.

And try to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Now your job is to right the ship, which is listing and may sink.

I urge you to work on your walk with the Lord, work the plan here, and give this some time.

Thanks!

Lord's blessing on you and yours.

Thanks. Hang in there. Work on yourself, and let your wife work on herself. She is angry right now, but I will pray that she will settle down and follow the Lord and the plans here.

Blessings to you and your family too.

Hi,
I read you had written about the child not being yours. Looks like their are more issues in your marraige than this. Also, seems like you love your wife a lot!
Are you willing to work things out with her? If it is only aboout this child that you love very much, why you cannot overcome this fact and continue your life with your wife?

Seems like you never stopped loving her. If you love someone for that long that you went back to her after your divorce, why you cannot work things out with her now?

I myself is dealing with a lot of resentment in my relation with my spouse. There were things that I was not told before we got married and I found out later. I kept my emotions to myself for a long time but that does not help either. You need to be very clear with her and yourself what you want to do.

Have you ever had any bio kids?

Deepsea, as you know from your situation biology does not make a parent. You are that child's daddy. As for your marriage, do you want to remain married? If so, you and your W need to be onboard completely with the MB program. Have you considered counseling with the Harley's or attending a MB weekend?

deepsea,,,,,, ok let's stop and back up here. re read your own post on the history of your relationship.

met and dated in 90 for a year, split up and both went separate ways. original marriages failed and you eventually found each other again after you both had been trying out different fish in the sea.

maybe with both your checkered pasts she ws not sure on whether she was ready or you were truly sincere about a permenent relationship with her. after all you said you would never marry her. so her last relationship didn't end on your time line.

you eventually get it together and settle into each other. she is pg and you believe it is yours. she has the baby and you believe he is yours. then find out he is not your dna.

ok i understand the hurt BUT do you love this child? if so then just do exactly that. do you love your w? if so then do exactly that.

some suggestions that may help your relationship grow stronger would be

** work on your own path with God and encourage your w to do the same

** both of you following the MB priciples

** getting some MC. after all your statement about having a child without being married doesn't send the right message for a marriage to be sucessful.

** don't have anymore children until you both have a solid marrital relationship with EACH OTHER

i know what it is like to love a child that carries not one gene of me in her.

if you and your w want to move forward then you and her must do so by LOOKING FORWARD not backwards.

don't place too much emphasis on teh 4 kids with 4 dads garbage. my oldest dd has 4 beautiful little girls from 3 [censored] dads. ok the latest dad hasn't proven to be a complete [censored] but the jury is still out.