I am not proud of the following, but I don't think to have the strengh to stop. How do I brake the spell?

I think WH wants to go but he feels bad every time he sees me crying when he starts packing.

As much as I feel hate towards him, I like seeing his car when I arrive home.

As much as he has hurt me, I want for him to tell me he loves me and offer a hug (that I won't take)

Every time he states why he wants to stay he just refers to the fact that I am his wife, that we have been together for so long and that he wants to do the right thing. All those reasons suck.

I asked him to go this time and stated I will start the divorse paperwork but when he got up to pack I started crying again about how I would be alone and having to take care of our baby on my own. I also complaint that he was paying the consequences of his acts, but why was I loosing my family, what did I do, etc etc.

I want him to go and I want him to stay. He has failed me 3 times, he has been very cruel to me. but I till want him and I feel disgusted by it.

what is this? and how do I break it?
I would like to have at least a trial separation so he can figure out if he really wants to be with me and I can see that I can survive alone. But i am petrified of letting him go.

I ask that you please be compassionate on your answers. Thank you

It is not surprising you feel conflicted, you are experiencing a lot of emotions at once.
You don't want hm to stay merely out of a sense of obligation, yet you are providing a whiny front to him. Have you read the materials on this site? Your first course of action should be to work on yourself...developing respect for yourself. Work on a Plan A to be all that you can be, an attractive person inside and out that someone would want to spend time with. The next thing would be to develop boundaries. Rather than want your WH at any cost, you need to have the goal of wanting your M as it should be, that must be kept foremost in your mind. Do NOT beg your husband! Your job will be to help him see that M to you is what he wants too.

Are you saying you want him to state he wants to stay because he feels like it? Because he feels loving and loved?

Do you really want him to act from his feelings or his commitments? We can act to honor The Marriage, even when we don't feel like honoring our spouses. Keeps us within healthy boundaries.

After all, it was reacting to his feelings that got him to choose three affairs...to me, says you don't understand A's either.

And you can. Get clarity. Get to know your own stuff, your own fantasies, which buys into his...very important.

LA