Let's keep the posts respectful and helpful to stuckinthemud.

Thanks, Revera

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STOP!

Thank you Revera!

Mark

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let this drop!

Hi again -

I found an NC letter in Dr. Harley's Surviving An Affair on page 58. In this scenerio, the WH actually wrote the letter, but he let his BW read it. A mutual friend delivered it so that no changes could be made on route. (With an email, this would be different, obviously).

Kevin wrote to his AP, "Amy, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Lee did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay Lee for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship. Sincerely, Kevin"

Three days after d-day, our pastor (he was one of our MCs) advised us to sit together at the computer, have my DH dictate the NC letter as I typed, then hit the send button.

Just some examples.

God bless,
Rose

Okay, yes, I do understand that you spent 2 years with him and know that you are attracted to him...I had dated OM off and on for 9 years, so when I say I understand, I really, really do...A couple of things about that, (1) If you had indeed been so very compatible with OM, you both would have moved heaven and earth back when you were single and available to have been together, but you didn't...You broke up and clearly moved on...and (2) I'm not saying that you aren't attracted to him, clearly you are which makes him an even greater danger to your marriage obviously...Listen, we could all be ATTRACTED to other people, that really goes without saying, but that is what boundaries are for...To PROTECT us and our spouses from those attractions sparking something more...You know SITM, I can assure you that if your husband began chatting up an old girlfriend he could easily find himself attracted to her again...But marriage means that you've both committed to keeping yourselves out of the way of temptation...Is this making sense to you at all? I told you I'm better on the phone!

Here's the thing, it really doesn't matter that you are attracted to OM...it really wouldn't matter if you were head over heels in love with OM either...You already made your choice when you said "I do"...You are MARRIED...You have a husband and 2 little girls depending on you to love, honor and cherish their daddy...You promised...

As far as "is this really fantasy with om?"...Oh yeah, you better believe it is...How old were you when you dated OM? What did your life look like back then? Probably pretty footloose and fancy free I'm guessing...Certainly not the life you have now with your husband...One that includes the daily caring for two small children...one that likely includes a shared mortgage and multiple other bills...morning breath...illness...and multitude of other daily grind adult type stuff...So think about it, OBVIOUSLY when you IMAGINE how things would be with OM vs the REALITY of your life now, it looks VERY different...You and OM never shared REAL LIFE, did you? Guarantee you if you did, you would end up in the same place that you are with your husband...BUT like I said before, to be with OM would be WAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY worse...LIES, DECEIT, RELATIONSHIP BUILT ON THE BACKS OF OTHERS, DESTRUCTION OF YOUR CHILDREN'S FAMILY AND FUTURE...Big fat hairy deals SITM...MAJOR DEALS...

I suspect that you have used "fantasizing" to self-soothe when things weren't completely smooth sailing at home...We can talk more about that if you'd like...I was guilty of that for years, until I learned that reality is WAY better, and that if I am unhappy with something in my life then I am responsible for finding a healthy way of making myself happy...Happiness IS a choice...

Here's the BEST news though SITM, you can have the REALITY of TRUE love, passion and intimacy with your husband...Oh I promise...I didn't believe that when I first got here...you can go back and look at my old foggy posts and see how much I doubted if you'd like...(those posts are horrible and embarrassing, but they will show you how different I feel today)...If you work the MB program it works...



I hear what you are saying loud and clear..."Old flame" affairs are particularly horrible because you are combatting "newness" plus "history"...BUT they are the same in other ways because ALL affairs destroy marriages and families SITM...Interestingly though, "old flame" affairs further prove to me one of the reasons that Dr. Harley sites for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE being so crucial...He says that there will always remain a low burning flame for the affair partner that can be reignited upon contact...Do not let that terrify you, that does NOT mean that you will forever be pining for OM, it just shows you how important your commitment to NC must be...

A poster here, MelodyLane, is a recovering alcoholic...I believe she has been sober for 23 years...She likens this to her "NC agreement" with alcohol...She does not sit around fantasizing about alcohol or waxing nostalgic about getting drunk, in fact, she is repulsed by the thought of herself ever drinking again, but what she knows is this: If she did go hang out in bars, eventually her mind would rationalize that she could handle just one drink, and it would then snowball out of control for her...She remains vigilant about staying away from bars for that reason...(She explains this SOOOOOOOO much better than I just did, so if you still don't get what I'm trying to say, let me know and I'll ask her to better explain it to you.)


I sincerely hope that you will email me and give me the chance to talk to you over the phone...I'm here and would be more than happy to help you...And you are very welcome...

Mrs. W

P.S. Copy that NC letter that Rose posted...take that to your husband when you tell him, then let him send it...And bring him here SITM...Let him read your thread and let the good people here help him...Radical honesty SITM, it's the ONLY way for you to have the kind of incredible, loving and intimate marriage that I told you about above...

Lifeschoice, thanks for the words on how to tell dh. And, I can't tell him until Sunday because he works all weekend.

Galoot writes: "I don't get it. You say you have a low desire for sex, but imply that a principal criteria of yours in a mate is physical attractiveness? Do you like to look, but not to touch?" That is a great point. I have no idea what is up with that. I just know that when I think back on the looks of om that he was in great shape and very attractive to me, my type,I guess I would say (tall dark handsome). Dh is very good looking but a little out of shape and I find that a turn-off. So I feel like my sex-drive would be higher with someone I am physically drawn to.
Mark- much of what you wrote makes great sense. Of course om is not draining the bank account down. We have only emailed one another a few times. That makes really good sense. The only thing I struggle with (well, of course not the only given my situation) but dh has done nothing to make me mad (not really mad anyway. He is kind,considerate, a good love when I finally say yes, good father. We never fight. I would say the only problem I can figure is that he is gone all the time and I take care of the kids all the time. Slowly, gradually, we disconnected but I didn't say anything for years because he has always been so busy working making money to support our family and make it possible for me to be a sahm. I could never blame him for that or try to require more from him after already working an 80 hour week. And honest, this om has sent me very few emails over the course of the years. In fact, he was so elusive and mysterious that perhaps that is part of what really got me thinking about him in a different way. I was dying to know if he was still attracted to me (he is not married) and the only inappropriate ones were just recently, within the past week when I initiated it (I confessed to still having feelings for him) and he then reciprocated.

Lifeschoice asked "does dh have a clue at all?" WEll, I took him to see Fireproof last weekend and bawled through the whole thing (silently and dying inside). Afterward in the car we talked a little and I said I felt a lot like that girl in the movie (empty) only with a really nice dh not a jerk. And he asked if there was someone else. I wasn't prepared to answer that. I think this may have been before I even had told om that I was really thinking about him and I romantically. I wasn't sure how to tell him that there was another man that has just been in my head for 6 years. Also, at the time I still looking to email om my feelings and then hoping to get closure so I could then move on. I'm not sure of the timing but either way I either had not yet emailed om my feelings or I had but still was looking for his reply. Anyway, interestingly, over the course of our relationship dh has dreams once in awhile where I leave him for another man-this is a side note but whatever. ANd, thanks for being so kind. I don't mind if people yell at me, they should so I get straight!

Rose-duh, of course what I told you is the best thing to tell him. It is honest and makes perfect sense to me. Why didn't I think of that? Thanks for pointing that out!! And, let him read all I have posted, I don't know about that. Goodness I don't think it would be helpful for him to know that I have stated that I am more sexually attracted to my ex than to him. And that he is overweight. Yikes. I'd hate for him to hear that. Some will say,"well, you've already hurt him with an ea, what difference does it make" but I don't think I need to add gasoline to an open cut. Do I? BTW-I'm just processing out loud, not critizing what you wrote. thank you all, you are all so helpful.

Mrs W,

Outstanding post!

Yes it was outstanding. This is why I'm gald Mrs W. stopped by this thread.

SITM - I told you before you started here that some will hold your hand and some will hit you over the head. Best of luck to you this weekend and please feel free to email if you need.

MrsW. I hope all is well with you, Hubby and the kids.

Mark, good to see your still around helping with great ideas, still giving fishing tips?

Good to see all the names agian - ML,Neak,Marsh,LG, Pep(when did she come back?)and all the others.

SITM... LISTEN to these people and READ this site.

Read this stuckinthemud.....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...at&Number=2140152&gonew=1#UNREAD

SITM

Do not have to say to your BH that the OM is hotter then him. If your BH does not ask. If he does you can say that he has not gotten overweight. This leaves your BH with all I have to do is exercise and lose weight. Your BH can never comeback from not being as handsome as the OM. You'll knock your BH down so hard he will most likely not even try to slim down and tone up.

It's nice to be a SAHM. It's time to get a job. You are the kind of woman that needs her H around a lot. That's not bad. It's the way you are. It's bad when you start going after OM.

Your BH needs a 40 hour a week job to be home the amount of time you need. Get a job.
So he makes the half the money. If your job brings in a quarter of what BH gives up your at 75%. Lower standard of living. A happy marriage priceless.

Mrs. W.

I'm glad you suggested she bring her DH here. You've been around here a heck of a lot longer than I have and know the workings of MB better than I do. This was the second item I was torn about. I knew it was best for her DH to come here, but in the back of my mind kept thinking about my DH's reaction to the stuff he read on my old message board that I wrote when I was totally fogged out (it literally made him physically ill). But that probably falls into the "protecting him from the pain" category. He needs to know, but it stinks to be the one responsible and have to be the one to tell him, but those are the consequences of WS's actions.

SITM,

I would highly recommend you tell your DH the gist of what is in this thread before he reads it. IOW, tell him what you said about the OM.

LC

Well, last night I sent a nc email to om. So, our ea entails:

1 hello,haven't emailed in awhile from me to om

2 email response from om to me (just hello back)

3 email response from me confessing to him that I might still have some feelings for him

4 his response that if you read between the lines would make a person think he might have feelings still too,but he didn't come out and say that, but did say call him to catch up, and gave me an open invitation to come visit him anytime (yikes)

5 my response saying that I didn't think talking with him over the phone, or internet for that matter was a great idea as I was feeling disconnected from dh and my feelings for him and a disconnect with dh would be a bad mix

6 his response confessing he had never married because he felt like I was the perfect one for him and he won't settle for anything less than how he felt when he was with me etc...There are so many more things he wanted to say but he said he didn't want to muddy the waters any further

7 my nc last night
Until this series of emails that started last week and ended last night I have only created this fantasy in my mind over the past several years. That will be the hard part. Destroying the affair in my mind and creating a real life fantasy with dh.
So, that is it in a nutshell. I have not told dh yet as he has been at work all weekend (another 80 hour week for him). I plan to tell him Sunday. After I tell him, what is the next step to focusing on us. Where does recovery begin?? What do we need to do tomorrow to move forward for us?

Stuckingthemud,

You are very lucky that your rational thinking was able to take over the irrational. Did you close your email account or at the very least block him?

Do you know what you are going to tell your DH tomorrow?

Good luck, I know how scary it is to be getting ready to have the talk you will be having.

Is an 80 hour work week typical for your DH? Does he work 2 jobs or is that just what is required by one? Any chance he can cut back?

As for what to do once you tell him, bring him to the MB website and start going over the basic concepts together. Offer for him to read your thread and also find out if he is willing to register and post.

LC

I'd say 70 hours is typical and 80 is not uncommon, one job, can't cut back. It is just the nature of the job. In fact, he just called to say he wasn't going to make it home by 3:30 like he had promised. He would be home later for supper and then has to head back to work (which I already knew). I said "ok, no problem" but then when he heard me type while I was talking to him he got mad and said he sometimes felt like the computer was more important than him. I said, "wait a minute. You just called to say that you weren't coming home when you promised to be home and I said fine but then you are going to tell because I typed a word while we were on the phone together you are going to get upset?" Anyway, he is also in school for his doctrate degree.
I do want to block om but how do I do that?
Yeah, not really looking forward to "the talk". Especially because it will happen in bits and pieces because of the kids. But, I'm also wanting just to move forward. I would like to find a mc that uses the MB model. I read how to find a good marriage counselor but does anybody just know of someone in the Southern Milw.Wi area???

Any chance you can line up a sitter for your children tomorrow night? Giving him the info in bits and pieces will be TORTURE. I would strongly advise against doing it that way. If you can get a sitter go sit in a parking lot and talk uninterrupted.

If you can't get a sitter, still plan on telling him, but plan on telling him everything w/o beating around the bush.

Anytime we needed to talk we left the house, sat in a parking lot in the car and talked.

If you end up making plans to talk elsewhere I would suggest printing out this thread so he doesn't have to wait to get home in order to read it.

LC

It depends on what type of email you have. If you have yahoo or hotmail you can go into "options" and add his email to the blocked list.

Those are the only ones I know about. I also have outlook, but have no idea how to block someone in that one.

Please, please, please STOP treating your husband like an animal!

Stop manipulating him!

Stop RAPING your husband!

Tell him the truth and deal with it!!!!

Excellent advice!

I was thinking about the situation you posted about and think there is a better way to handle it. If the opportunity presents itself again or even something similar try not to immediately get defensive.

From his POV it probaly appeared rude to be typing while you were on the phone with him and he probably didn't feel very important. Instead of getting mad and defensive, next time say something like. "You're right, I'm sorry. You ARE more important and I'm so glad you called".

It's sort of like a cycle, you be nice, he is nice and in doing so you start to fill each others love bank. This will only make sense if you have read the basic concepts.

Just some food for thought.

LC