Actually "building gradually" would be a big mistake here...This is a marriage in crisis...Dr. Harley says that at that point UA time should really be closer to 25 hours/week...15 hours/week applies to marriages not in crisis...This situation is dire and half measures are too risky...

SITM...I really enjoyed talking to you last week...Feel free to call or email me anytime...And do keep posting...there is lots of great stuff you can learn around here...

Mrs. W

We spent a lovely weekend together at a farm. We picniced with the kids. We four-wheeled. We hot-tubbed without the kids. No sex all weekend which both of us thought was nice to not have that hanging over our heads. So, Sunday night when we got home he wanted to make love, I just wanted to go to bed but I agreed to do it. We tried a quickie but it lasted a little longer and I hated it. I wanted it to end. I just wanted him to be satisfied quickly and be done. What is my problem? We spent such a nice weekend together but I still want/ed nothing to do with sex. Help!!!

Hi sitm,

I’m glad you two are still committed to your improving your M.

In His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Harley discusses the differences in men and women’s approaches to sexuality, and the resulting problems. My DH has the book at work, I think, because I can’t find it to look anything up (we are reading it again and making time for discussions). There is a chapter on affection, and the next chapter is on sex. It might help you to read it and discuss the subjects with your H (and do the questionnaires, etc).

From personal experience and talking to other women, it seems that sometimes when women don't enjoy sex with their Hs, it's because they are harboring resentments that need to be addressed. Since you were so tempted to turn to another man, there are obviously "issues" with your H that are bothering you.

A good IC and MC could hopefully help you get to the root of your problem(s).

God bless,
Rose

Hey Stuckinthemud,

How's it going? Rose had some great ideas for your challenges.

I hope you saw that I corrected my error in my previous post in saying that Dr. Harley suggests 15 hours when actually it is 25 hours a week initially of Undivided Attention to get your recovery going. I also mentioned that my WH and I spent about 140 hours of UA time in the initial 10 days after D-Day #4. If your H took time from his busy schedule for an extended honeymoon phase like we did, maybe your issues now have solutions!

Either way, hope you can check in for an update sometime.

Ace