Have any of you experience true recovery, where the WH or WW finally really stopped after having 2 or more affairs?

Are you a WW or WH that finally stopped? if so, what changed?

I just feel stuck on a bad nightmare that happens over and over again. I am still here, so why would he stop?

You nailed it. You are still with him, so why should he stop? He has the best of both worlds in his eyes. The only way a recurrent cheater stops is by working on the issues that led to the cheating.

How long have you been married?

The real question is why do you hate yourself so much that you would tolerate his behavior?

You can only fix you.

Has your WS ever felt the true magnitude of what his affair will cost him or are the As swept under the rug and the M moves on?

I read your old posts. Congratulations on your baby.

Is he cheating IRL or is it porn?

In real life, he ended this one yesterday, we both met her at a starbucks. It is really tough becuase it is a co-worker....ahhh

He just passed by from work and brought me lunch (how sweet ugh?)

He is making an appointment with a therapist and is keeping me posted. He decided to use a woman therapist this time.

Our last therapist was horrible, very biassed and all he wanted from day one was for me to move on. I insisted there was an underlined problem but he said my h would never do this again...When I tried to push harder he just ended the sessions with "Call me if you need me" what a waste of time and money. this was right after the first affair.
I warned him my h would gain his trust in a snap and be so likable, but he felt for it anyway

My h recognizes he has a problem, he is very insecured and selfish and always trying to hide problems.

I just finished my first session myself. My therapist wants me to become the girlfriend. her assessment is that my h needs the good, stable woman aka me. But also the girlfriend to have fun with. Well, If I become the girlfriend, he will continue chasing me looking for the stable good woman forever and he will not look for the girlfriend because that is me.

In any case, becoming the girlfriend means taking care of myself, my apperience and my mental health, so that I need to do anyway
Therapist recommends I go to the spa, work out and join a club where I can socialize with other adults.I need to enlist a nanny

I also need to stop mothering him, providing for his wishes, getting involved when he wants a watch (he was 5 already) , providing with clean ironed cloths, etc.

This is going to be tough, I don't know how to do it. So, i enlisted the help of a friend. I am going to her home this weekend so she can teach me how to do my nails, hair, etc.
tomorrow I am going for some overdue clothing shopping. I deserve it!

All this is money I don't have, well, this is my life, the bills will be paid somehow, enough with this nonsense. He might need to get a second job to cover the girlfriend expenses (I mean me) and that is left time left to screw around.

I don't know how to be a gilrly girl, but I was one once long time ago, and , for neptune, I will again!

Any advise from the ladies?

I'm not too keen on some of what your therapist said. Stop providing for his wishes (that's very broad) and not doing laundry seems sort of weird to me. While I agree you should take care of yourself and be a fun and attractive person to be around, this advice seems like it could backfire.

What she really said was to stop mothering him.
When I asked for examples (because I am not aware of my mothering habits) she asked me if I always went out of my way to get him what he wanted and if I provided for clean/ironed clothes, etc.

I said yes, so she suggest I start cutting up there.

Do you agree i should stop being the mother to him and be the wife/girlfriend instead? If so i need help, becuase my nature is too nurturing for my own good.

4 Days after the I found out about the first affair, he had surgery. Guess who was to his side putting pieces of ice on his mouth? (although what I really wanted was to hit his just operated arm real hard!)What a sucker!

I just don't know how to be a fun and attractive person to be around. Some people don't understand this. My friend told me, "I don't need to teach you how yo blow dry your hair, there is nothing to it" I replied "You have not seeme try, have you? I make a mess of my hair, then I rewash it and that is it"
It is obvius for you, but I don't know how to be a woman and that is what I need help with, will you help me? Absolutelly! she said

Hope this brings more perspective to the approach. I wanrnedmy new therapist she will have to help me because I dont frigging know how to do this

Makes more sense?

swept under the rug ...I tried and tried to work at it until I am too tired and 'leave him alone"

Hello believer! you helped me so much last time!!!
He has recognized the main issues and wants to work at them...
I just don't know if it will work.

There are no consequences, right? He is always here, i am always here. He is saying the right things (again) so he is saying he has been taking me for granted, assuming we will always be together because I will always forgive him

Married, 14 years, 7 years dating before that
i was 16, he was 21
It's been long, I wanted it to be forever

One of the key components to partnering, not parenting, is to not do that which you will resent.

LA

I;m not sure that I see the point in not providing his needs (laundry, ironing, etc). You can do that and also be the "girlfriend" someone who is fun to be with. Of course, I agree that parenting your spouse isn't a good idea, but I know that I, personally and I, too, am a nurturer, would feel terrible if I wasn't providing my husband with some of his basic needs (laundry, dinner, etc) even though I know that he could get them himself.
Sorry, if I am out of line here. I am by no means an expert, just thought that you might want another opinion (and that's all that it is).

Good luck to you

here is the thing - it is ok to decide that you would like a new hair style, painted nails, smelling good, all that sort of thing, as long as you are doing it because YOU want to please YOURSELF.

But you can not do this for him.

And here is why.
You can not keep this up every single day of your life. You will have days when you are sick and not up to it. Some day you may have cancer, and the chemo could make you loose your hair,and then what? Would it be ok for him to stray if you were bald? not attractive enough for him?

It is ok to do things that will make you feel more attractive, and feel better about yourself. BUT if you are going to change your appearance in order to keep your man happy so he won't stray,dont do it. You would be setting yourself up for future failure. This man has big problems. They are not your problems. If he can get healthy, and understand that you are a living, breathing woman with feelings and needs and emotions, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect, then perhaps you may be willing to let him back into your life.

But for right now - he needs to leave you alone while he gets himself fixed. It is not your job to keep looking for ways to keep him faithful. If your IC is suggesting that - she is quack. This man has cheated multiple times. It is not your job to fix him.

and please do not avoid paying your bills in order to "fix yourself up". You absolutely deserve new clothes, a spa day, new hair, etc. But not at the cost of avoiding your other bills. Because you will eventually feel even worse about yourself when the bills aren't paid.

It sounds like hubby may be a sex addict. There is help on the recoverynation forum for a spouse. Turns out that being a SA has little to do with sex. It is more about working thorugh FOO issues.

Check out the site and see what you think.

And by the way, he can't work with the OW any more.

wow, this is a lot
LovingAnyway, please try to be more compassionate. It is diffucult for me to follow you when you come so strong.

This is what I want
1) i do want to take better care of myself, for me. Many times I go out of the house and I avoid mirrors because I look awful, dark circles and my heir is clean but not neat. I know this is an issue and I recognize i have done this because i am somewhat messed up too. this is 20% laziness, 70% wanted to see if my h would say anything, if he finally stopped being afraid of talking issues that bother him, avoid confrontations, etc. 10% because I really forgot how.

2) I do not want to jeoerdize the financial situation, I think having my friend teach me how to do many of this things will help.

3) I want to go out and socialize with other adults, maybe other moms. I am working towards becoming a work at home mom, I am building an online business. My goal is to stop the 9-5 job by Feb 2011 when my son will be 3 years old.

4) I "might' want to stop treating men as a mom. My mom does that, but my dad is ok with it. He says , "all moms will be moms " and just smiles patiently when my mom mothers him.

How about all this?

oh, and I knew, he needs to quit his job... he will if I ask him, but what do we do with the finances? finding a job will be very hard on this situation

I also thought about taking my son from the nanny, but i can not do that to him, he is so loved and well cared there. I might run into her when I go pick him up, but I don't care, that only happens here and there, I'd say every 6-8 weeks when he visits her grandmother during the week for some reason

Recurrent cheaters do change if they change the things in their lives that led to the affairs.

What it will take is extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair. For example, he would have to make his life an open book to you and stay in touch with you throughout the day. He should never be alone with any female, stay out of bars, etc. In other words, all the conditions that led to the affairs MUST CHANGE. He will have to effect an entire lifestyle change where he is accountable to you for his time.

Is he willing to do that?

p.s. he also should not have any contact EVER with any former affair partners. For example if he still works with the OW, he needs to leave.

Melodylane.

ha! he says he is, he says he know it will be even harder this time.
He is never at bars,

The conditions that lead to this was him being unhappy but not wanting to talk about it and secretly blaming me of everything, also being selfish and wanted to do whatever he wanted and make him feel good, no matter who gets hurt. He says there might be even more wrong with him and he want to know what it is and what he needs to do. He told me he is looking for help. I can only pray he finds a proper therapist, that seems to be harder that i tohught

if he quits we will be tight to say the least,,, do you feel it needs to be done anyway, no matter what?