I SO agree! It is a perfect opportunity for you to protect yourself and give him a consequence all at the same time.

And may I suggest that you take the word 'guilt' and kick it to the curb! He lost any right to make you feel ANY guilt the minute he acted inappropriately.

YOU are the victim here. NOT him. Anything he deals with now is of his own doing.

Would you let your child go to a birthday party after he set the trash can on fire? Of course not! And you wouldn't (shouldn't) feel guilty about not letting him go - it was HIS choice to set the trash can on fire, and none of your doing.

ETA: I meant to go to PB after 2 more weeks of dazzling him with what he's missing out on.

T2L, that is not guilt you are feeling, but sadness. Guilt is your conscience's signal that you are doing something WRONG. And you are not doing anything wrong. It is ok to feel SADNESS.

I also would like to see PB in effect well before Thanksgiving. Don't underestimate what the anticipation of lonely holidays will do for a cake-eatin' wayward who really really likes your cake.

I'd like him to get plenty of time to think it over before the holiday itself.

Melody, Yeah I guess you're right it is sadness I am feeling.

Neak, I do agree that he needs to think about it over the holidays. Maybe the taste of what life without me would be like will help him. I know he can't stand doing his laundry and is sick of eating out already so maybe the holidays will be more of that. Hopefully the inconvenience and loneliness of it all will help. Why isn't he spending it with her though? Is that a good sign?

It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't spend it with his saur.

If he doesn't, he'll be extra lonely, which is good.

If he does, he'll mope (even if only in his head), thinking of his REAL family, and all the good times over the years, which is also good.

Oh I tried to shorten it more. Here's my PBL as of now. Critique away.....

Dear Hubby Pooh,

This is the hardest letter for me to write. I love you so much and want our marriage and family restored. I would love the chance to repair our relationship. I miss my real husband and all the laughter, terrible jokes, the most retarded movies, tickle fights, hugs and kisses of course tears and struggles too.

I know that the painful situation we are in now is just a symptom of the problems that existed in our marriage. I know that I have not been a perfect wife for you. I know I did things that put a wedge between us. I apologize to you for my part in creating an atmosphere that helped you make your affair with the Toad possible.

If we both work on our marriage we can fix it. Remember when we broke up in 8th grade and you said it would never work a second time. But look it did! We got back together in 10th grade been together ever since and built a marriage of 18 ½ years on a second time.

After almost no contact for over 5 months these last 4 weeks have meant so much to me to be in contact with you, experiencing what my real husband was like again -especially our trip to Disneyland. I wanted to be close to you even under these extremely painful circumstances but love I have in my heart for you is being damaged by the pain of knowing you are with someone else.

I want to create a new life for us, but I can't do that until you end your relationship with the Toad once and for all. Until then I will avoid seeing you and talking to you. I am still willing and want to be your wife, but only when you can be exclusively my husband. I am not doing this to hurt you or reject you but I want to protect my love for you.

I am request that you no longer contact me directly as it is too painful. I ask that you please respect my decision to protect my heart this way. I still love you I just cannot see you under these circumstances. Our friends Fred and Wilma Rubble have agreed to help make arrangements for the kids and finances. If you need to communicate with me they will pass the information on to me as I will be closing my email account tonight. I will assume the finances will be the same as you have so wonderfully provided so far. I will be sure to have the kids ready for your visits by meeting you in the driveway.

The door to my heart and back to the family is open as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from the Toad with no contact with her ever again and commit to a plan of recovery for our marriage securing our families future.

I loved you when I married you, love you right now and want you in my life more than anything. I long to be with you and for you to hold me again and say hey lady.

I love you with all that I am, Your wife,
Trying2live

Still too long, T2L, remember the goal here is to convey a MESSAGE to a detached person, not to get your feelings out. About half that length would be sufficient to get the message across. He is not going to be inclined to read through a long letter to get to the point.

I would change this to:


The first part makes you seem changeable, and specifying 4 weeks, well who's counting? Lol!

Ok I am having such a hard time shortening this. Look again....

Dear Hubby Pooh,

I love you so much and want our marriage and family restored. I would love the chance to repair our relationship. I miss my real husband and all the laughter, terrible jokes, the most retarded movies, tickle fights, hugs and kisses of course tears and struggles too.

This painful situation is just a symptom of the problems that existed in our marriage. I know that I have not been a perfect wife for you and did things that put a wedge between us. I apologize to you for my part in creating an atmosphere that helped you make your affair with the Toad possible. If we both work on our marriage we can fix it, it's already worked a 2nd time. We built a marriage of 18 ½ years on a second time.

These last few weeks have meant so much to me, having you around so often, experiencing what my real husband was like again -especially our trip to Disneyland. I wanted to be close to you even under these extremely painful circumstances. The love I have in my heart for you is being damaged by sharing you and I want to protect that love.

I want to create a new life for us, but I can't do that until you end your relationship with the Toad once and for all. Until then I will avoid seeing you and talking to you. I am still willing and want to be your wife, but only when you can be exclusively my husband. I am not doing this to hurt you or reject you.

I am request that you no longer contact me directly as it is too painful. I ask that you please respect my decision to protect my heart this way. I still love you I just cannot see you under these circumstances. Our friends Fred and Wilma Rubble have agreed to help make arrangements for the kids and finances. If you need to communicate with me they will pass the information on to me as I will be closing my email account tonight. I will assume the finances will be the same as you have so wonderfully provided so far. I will be sure to have the kids ready for your visits by meeting you in the driveway.

The door to my heart and back to the family is open as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from the Toad with no contact with her ever again and commit to a plan of recovery for our marriage securing our families future.

I loved you when I married you, love you right now and want you in my life more than anything. I long to be with you and for you to hold me again and say hey lady.

I love you with all that I am, Your wife,
Trying2live

I disagree with this.

While her WH is at her house fixing things and being attentive to the family, I think appreciation is definitely in order, especially since admiration is a top EN of his.

I don't think it would be smart to admire the work and chores and repairs he does for OW - that would be supporting the WH behavior.

But to admire and praise appropriate H-type behavior is in line with Plan A, IMO. I think she should take advantage of every opportunity she has to fill WH's ENs. This is especially important because WH is living an hour away with OW and she doesn't get tons of opportunities to make those deposits or show that she's making changes in herself (e.g. expressing her appreciation of his efforts).

Ok I was wondering. I kinda felt like that, but understood the other point as well. I really don't have many opportunities to fill his love bank and meet those top 5 needs.

It is definitely harder since he lives an hour away and with OW so I have been trying really hard to make love bank deposits so at least when I go to Plan B then hopefully he'll have enough to look back upon and consider coming back as opposed to losing it all.

Dear Hubby Pooh,

I love you so much and want our marriage and family restored. These last few weeks have meant so much to me, having you around so often, experiencing what my real husband was like again -especially our trip to Disneyland. I wanted to be close to you even under these extremely painful circumstances. I would love the chance to repair our relationship. I miss my real husband and all the laughter, terrible jokes, the most retarded movies, tickle fights, hugs and kisses of course tears and struggles too.

This painful situation is just a symptom of the problems that existed in our marriage. I know that I have not been a perfect wife for you and did things that put a wedge between us. I apologize to you for my part in creating an atmosphere that helped you make your affair with the Toad possible.

The love I have in my heart for you is being damaged by sharing you and I want to protect that love. I want to create a new life for us, but I can't do that until you end your relationship with the Toad once and for all. Until then I will avoid seeing you and talking to you. I request that you no longer contact me directly as it is too painful. I will assume the finances will be the same as you have so wonderfully provided so far. Our friends Fred and Wilma Rubble have agreed to help make arrangements for the kids. If you need to communicate with me they will pass the information on to me. I will be sure to have the kids ready for your visits by meeting you in the driveway.

I ask that you please respect my decision to protect my heart this way. I still love you I just cannot see you under these circumstances. The door to my heart and back to the family is open as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from the Toad with no contact with her ever again and commit to a plan of recovery for our marriage securing our families future.

I love you with all that I am, Your wife,
Trying2live

Also a typo - request should be requesting.

Oops. Just fixed it, thanks. Still too long? I don't think I can cut more.

T2L, turtlehead is exactly right. Dr H would tell you to execute the best Plan A you can before you go dark. You want his last memory of you to be a GOOD ONE before you go dark. Look for every opportunity to give him admiration, etc before you go dark.

I posted a rearranged and somewhat cut down version.

The rearranging puts all the similar thoughts together and makes it seem shorter. Toss it if you don't like it.

I think it's still too long (even the one I posted).

I like it. Thanks. It flows better.

Shouldn't the kids be told what's about to happen so they'll be prepared and understand WHY mom is doing this?

On another note T2L, I was thinking about your kids, particularly your son, and how he's having such a hard time. The next time he breaks down at night, could he call his dad and ask him to pray for him? Isn't that what our heavenly Father wants us to do, come to Him when we're hurting? Your husband's role and duty as father IS to lead his family (even though he's doing a poor job of it now.) Since your husband was an associate pastor (right?) perhaps this will tweak that place in his heart that he's tried to so hard to close off.

This was the toughest part for my FWH. While he was away he said if felt like God was chasing after him. He was.

Just a thought.

My oldest child DD17 knows and likes the plan, but I have not told my son 10, because he may tell his father. I have made small comment to my son saying that this is very hard for me and that I can't do this forever because I am sharing your dad with the OW and that at some point I'm going to have to stop. So he kinda knows it won't last forever but I sure don't want him to tell his dad when Plan B goes into effect.

I don't think I can ask him to pray with my son. He has a self righteous mindset that has come in. He says I know that I am saved and I don't need to be re saved I know what Jesus has done for me. So I just keep praying for God to do a deep work and soften his heart.

I hope he feels God chasing him. I pray daily for the Lord to visit him.

This is question to all.

So once I go into Plan B, we both will be attending my son's football games. What on earth am I going to to about that, how do I handle that? I think it ends in December but that's still about 4+ weeks.