Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 21 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 20 21
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
hello Oz ! Always glad when I don't see you for ages, because it means you're living a fulfilling life !

Quote
Time to stop looking for anything "except" where you've been and will never be again old friend.

Your Lot has improved, you've just forgotten how it was before

I haven't read a post in years but that you're still here tells met that.

Oz

Life generally and my marriage have improved beyond recognition since d-day AND even in many aspects since before d-day, you're right.

What I don't want to do is settle for that if far greater improvement is possible. And I know this is possible because all these benefit shave been achieved so far with the bare minimum investment from Squid.

I dunno. Maybe I'm looking for compensation that I did not make a condition of my not divorcing Squid over her adultery I guess.

Hindsight , huh ? waddayagonnado?

All blessings oz !


MB Alumni
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
dunno where else to put this update really, but while Squid and I were out having dinner together last night, she got a call to say her biomom had finally drunk herself to death over the Christmas holiday.

For those who don't know the story, Squids biomom left Squid and her sisters with her mom ( Squids gran) aged 1 so she could find herself, then returned to live as Squids "aunty for ten years. When Squid discovered the truth, her biomom rejected her again by leaving immediately.

As an adult squid and I went to visit with her in 1991, where she rejected Squid again with the most apathetic greeting you could ever imagine, nice after a long-planned 8 hour drive.

Squid isn't externally incredibly upset over this, but bear in mind Squid fears becoming her biomom ( hence part of her self loathing after her affair, a very biomom-type behaviour).

I wonder if this will mark another opportunity for her personal growth ?

* sigh *


MB Alumni
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Bob,

I'll be praying for Squid as she goes through this period...

How are you doing?

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
That's really sad news Bob. So sorry.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Hey RIF !

We're doing OK, kidder. I'll respond to your email when I get chance.

I trust your R&R was pleasant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ?


MB Alumni
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Hi TT

More odd than outright sad really. Biomom made intelligent choices that led to this point.

Raising all kinds of issue sin Squid of course.

Ah well.

Hows tricks in sunny HK ?


MB Alumni
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Bob!

R&R was great!!! The girls had a great Christmas and we made it over to see my dad in the VA hospital and he is doing very well.

I hope that you and your family had a good time in the states... sorry we couldn't link up.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
It is sad - I mean, what kind of funeral will she have? Sounds like nobody will be missing her.

Sunny HK is bloody cold at the moment (about 15C). Trouble is the houses are built for the hot weather so when the temperature drops, it's very cold indoors. We;ve got a new puppy from the dustbins. There are three big letters printed on my forehead. M.U.G.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
TT, we found out more. She was squatting. She was on life support through alcohol related liver failure & diabetes for 3 weeks before she died.

The docs diagnosed they needed to amputate her hands and feet owing to alcoholic diabetes, and decided to turn the machine off instead.

It took only minutes for her to die. Never recovered consciousness.

If that's what a life of entitled choices leads to, you can stuff it.

She was buried last week. We don't know, or care where.

No family attended.

Squids still "odd" about it all. The tragedy of it is getting to her a bit.


MB Alumni
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 221
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 221
Hi Bob,

I am so sorry for Squid. The mental pictures alone of that hospital scene that stick in my mind make me believe this is tough stuff for Squid. Or do you think she completely stuffs it?
I will be praying that God continues the chipping away of the hard veneer on her heart and that in His time His work will be complete in her.

I know you will continue to be her man!! Show her how its done.

NL


Me-BS 48yo
H-FWS 53yo
DD- 22yo
DS-18yo
Dday- 2/22/05
Was lied to until 3/17/05
A lasted nearly 2 years
I discovered it...
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
NL she's an olympic standard stuffer, but chinks are showing.

She is moved with pity for this monstrous woman, who at her end was as helpless and broken as anyone ever was.

We discussed how Squids middle sister, who is the living embodiment of their mother, is making the same choices as she did. Squid asked a question - she wondered how much closer to her mother's model she would be without me - but we didn't answer.

When overloaded, Squid adopts a "thousand yard stare" and goes quiet. Time to stop that topic then, I have learned.

I'll love her like I always have. Its what I do. Like breathing. Dammit.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


MB Alumni
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
Hey BP just wanted to see haw squid is doing with the loss of her mom,, you doing alright?


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Found this old thread. I could write it today verbatim.

At what point does it become not selfish to divorce when the kids are clearly happy and thriving with the status quo ?

Any opinions please ?

Thanks !


MB Alumni
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,342
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,342
Hi Bob! I'd be happy to give my opinion, but would you mind giving a few more details. Are you saying that if not for your "thriving" kids you would end your M? And if so, why? Somthing must be very painful and unsatisfying about your M presently that makes Ding your W appealing. Mind filling in the blanks? Thanks!

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
Well, CV, it may be different for the average BW, but D’ing an adulterous wife, active or former and often even more so for a former, is always and eventually going to appeal to the typical BH on some level.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by Bob_Pure
Found this old thread. I could write it today verbatim.

At what point does it become not selfish to divorce when the kids are clearly happy and thriving with the status quo ?

Any opinions please ?

Thanks !

When your youngest is 18 years old.

May I ask, what would you gain if you divorced?

Last edited by Pepperband; 10/13/08 06:31 PM.
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Quote
May I ask, what would you gain if you divorced?

Peace. An end to the constant criticism and ingratitude. An end to me being disappointed.


MB Alumni
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554

Quote
Peace. An end to the constant criticism and ingratitude. An end to me being disappointed.

Are some of the bad habits of the old M starting to display themselves again, Bob?



ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
And a bunch o'new improved ones MiM wink

Definition of irony ?

I was given a couple to coach this morning from my Pastor ( I run a small MB ministry from my church).

Apparently H is a good guy, successful most everywhere in his life except at home where his W belittles him rather than trying to rise up to his standards. His very WALK makes her feel judged. Who is HE to judge HER ? ( despite never actually saying anything judgemental she is so insecure even his EXAMPLE feels judgemental to her).

How exactly, in all good will, am I supposed to coach them, MiM ?

laugh


MB Alumni
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by Bob_Pure
Quote
May I ask, what would you gain if you divorced?

Peace. An end to the constant criticism and ingratitude. An end to me being disappointed.

May I ask what you would lose if you divorced?

Page 6 of 21 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 20 21

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5