KM,

Would you consider you're wrong about her loving another more? Rather, she loves her own feelings, having them, more right now than her family, her real husband, her marriage.

Those take reality. Her A doesn't.

Get it through your head that an affair is all fantasy, about fantasy, and that's the primary pull of it. Not real.

You're real. Make sure your changes are real. You disconnected for your reasons...get to those reasons. Might help you through right now.

LA

kickme, have you taken the advice here and exposed the affair to the OM's employer and his father? That is a very potent weapon that you cannot afford to overlook. That ruins any future hope of the affair if his family knows this is nothing more than a married woman having an adulterous affair. Exposing him will discourage him from pursuing your wife. OM are cowards and you cannot afford to forgo this weapon.

My suggestion would be to do it in a way that has the greatest impact. Send a certified letter to Human Resources telling them that one of their officers is pursuing an affair with your wife and you felt they should know. Ask them to use their influence to persuade him to leave your wife alone. While this letter is a little different, you could modify it to suit your situation. I would also suggest that you CC the OM's boss and a key supervisor so no one is tempted to deep six your letter. [I will post the template in the next post]

Secondly, I would expose to the OM's father on the same day this letter arrives at the station in order to achieve the maximum effect. Call him up, tell him who you are, about your wife and ask him to use him influence to persuade his son to leave your wife alone.

If there are any other exposure targets, I would do them on the same day too. Anyone who is a KEY exposure should hear from you, it does not matter if your wife has spoken to them. Because if they got the story from her, it is likely lies and spin.

Exposure is one of your greatest weapons, kickme, you cannot afford to bypass this step.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

How long have you been in plan A and what are some specific examples of how you are implementing Plan A? If we know what you've been doing we can suggest ways forward.

If you haven't exposed you definitely need to do that. Mel is right about that.

Thanks,
I guess I have been in plan A since the day she left. (4 weeks)
I did not even know about plan A and B. I have soaked all this up and is helping...so please keep it coming.
My WW and I always shared everything. That is why I could not understand how she could just throw it all away the way she has. I admit that I just was not "there". Same ol story...too much stress, not listening, etc.
The day she left, as I've said, she gave the older children the impression that somehow I had changed. They truly did not know what to believe. That night I decided that all I had to do was to make deposits into my kids and my WW love bank. After 2 days, the kids knew that dad was STILL the loving, hardworking person they have always known.
So....without knowing what I was doing, I did not want to become the mean person my WW made me out to be. Every conversation with my WW has been gentle on my part. She has heard me say that I do not approve of her A. She also has heard me say that I could and would forgive and forget. She has heard me say that I love her and only want to work on our marriage.
Now that I have a little MB knowledge, I am continually making LB deposits. Taking care of our son, fixing dinner for him and keeping my home clean. She has noticed and therefore I want to continue working on me. Yes, I've lost 25 lbs, BUT I've been exercising that my life depends on it. Showing her that my son and I are having a great time, and he and I are going out to dinner with our older children. Guess showing her that I can do all things myself especially raising a wonderful son. All I know to do is be me, and love her, but especially my children.
I think it will get to her, because I know she's pissed that NO ONE has seen the big bad monster. He only existed in her Adultrous mind!!!

kickme, did you read our posts? You are asking for help, we are giving you advice, and you don't seem to notice it.

Mel,
I am sorry....I'm trying...I know you want me to expose the OM. I will as soon as I find out info on him.

What am I missing??

Please don't give up on me....I really need help.
Update....I hand delivered a letter and obtained a signature to the OM's boss...clearly outlining the A with my WW. I have spend the last couple of days revisiting with her family explaining that I want our M to work and that I could use their help. At this point they are "listening" to me.
The s**t is going to hit the fan with the OM boss and I guess my next step is to brace myself for the onslaught my WW will give me over this.

All the children (including my 12yo) know and are supporting me.
I am still being nice to her...and yes I cancelled all accounts and opened my OWN checking acct.

So, MB what next?

You get busy with your life (take up exercising, for example) and your kids, to engage your mind in something else other than wondering about what your WW might do. That bridge can only be crossed when you arrive at it.

I asked:
How long have you been in plan A and what are some specific examples of how you are implementing Plan A? If we know what you've been doing we can suggest ways forward.

Then you either ignored my question or this is your reply:
Taking care of our son, fixing dinner for him and keeping my home clean... Yes, I've lost 25 lbs, BUT I've been exercising that my life depends on it.

I see some domestic support in there, some family commitment and attractive spouse. I see nothing about affection, financial support, or communication.

You are wasting your time trying to meet low-ranking ENs. Now I'm not saying you should neglect your son or let your home turn into a pigsty, but what I *AM* asking is:
In what ways are you meeting her need for affection?
For financial support?
For communication?

TH,

I have not ignored ANY posts. I am very confused and I thought I have explained that my WW has left our home and is in LOVE with her OP.
To be specific about her EN's:
We have had several conversations about her A. I NEVER talked with anger....kind words and what I think is gentle reasoning. She knows that I want to fix our M. I explained that I do not condone in any way her A.
Her top EN's are: Affection, conversation, Honesty & openess, and financial support.
In meeting some if not all, I have shown her affection by reminding her that I want to be married and my willingness to forget and forgive, etc. We have had good conversations, listening intently to anything she says with direct eye contact. I have been very honest with my feelings acknowledging any subject she brings up with " I understand how you feel".
I have continued to provide all financial support. However, I am taking steps to protect myself and the children financially. She has offered to let me "pay the bills", etc and I am doing that now.
To sum it up...I am hurt and feel betrayed....however, as I understand plan A...I want her to see and FEEL from me what she is giving up. I want to continue this path until R or plan B.

Thanks

How very big of her :RollieEyes:

Kickme,
Your last response was a lot more focused, thank you!

I have shown her affection by reminding her that I want to be married and my willingness to forget and forgive, etc.

Okay, this is just me, and I hope other people (especially women) chime in here but to ME, affection is not being reminded that youw ant to be married, or that you're willing to forget and forgive. If I were a WW and you were reminding me that you wanted to be married, I'd feel controlled and hounded. I'd be making tracks away from you fast, and looking for my freedom.

To me (and again, this is just me and hopefully others will give their own perspectives), affection is lingering eye-to-eye contact, a hand placed lightly on the small of my back as I pass through a door you've opened for me. It's a massage with no expectations of sex afterward. It's having you play with my hair.

If your WW is like me then your attempts at affection are missing their mark. Again, this is *just me* and other women may feel differently about how they'd like their need for affection to be met. I hope you get some other perspectives from some of the women on this board about this.

We have had good conversations, listening intently to anything she says with direct eye contact. I have been very honest with my feelings acknowledging any subject she brings up with " I understand how you feel".

This is a good start.

People who like conversation also like chit-chat. They feel bonded when you talk about your day, or a funny thing that happened on the way to work. The other day I was out driving and I saw a bobcat and a red hawk - WOW! I couldn't wait to phone my DH and tell him about it.

People who have a high need for conversation will feel closer and more bonded by short exchanges that relate bits and pieces of every day life and every day feelings. The conversation doesn't have to be intense or riveting; simple exchanges put two separate lives more in sync through experiences that are shared verbally.

I have continued to provide all financial support. However, I am taking steps to protect myself and the children financially. She has offered to let me "pay the bills", etc and I am doing that now.

I suggest you keep up payments on house, utilities, cars, insurance... everything that contributes to the happy comfortable life she had with you. And absolutely 100% without question do NOT in any way, shape, or form finance her independence. Her need for financial support can work for you in two ways - you can make the marriage attractive through financial support and you can make alternatives unattractive by NOT supporting them financially.

Thanks again for the more direct response. It makes it much easier to reply to you.

Yes it probably is. If typical, your WW is going to rant and threaten like you have never heard before. She will likely say that she was just about to give you a chance and now you blown it forever. Don’t listen to this. It will pass.

React to this with all the intensity of listening to the lean hog futures report on aggie radio at 5:30 in the morning. When she stops ask her, “Do like chocolate chip cookies or oatmeal raisin better?”

Good job on exposing to his boss. How about his Dad?

Cut her off completely financially.

STOP funding the affair.

Good job on exposing to the OM's workplace! Did you expose to his FATHER and I suggested? That is an important exposure because it will ruin the future of the affair if the OM cannot bring your W home.

kickme, the EN of financial support is not something you would continue if your W has left for an affair. This is a need that you would only be WILLING TO MEET in the event of reconciliation. To do otherwise is to finance her affair. YOU SHOULD NOT BE PAYING HER BILLS.

That would be enabling her affair.

I am not sure exactly what you have been paying, but she should get no family money. None of HER BILLS related to her new living situation should be paid. She needs to make her own car payment, insurance, everything. She should not have access to any family money, ie: bank accounts, credit cards, equity lines of credit, etc.

Further, if she was contributing to the family bills in the past, then she needs to continue to do that. One cannot just abandon their family and leave all the bills to the BS.

So, please help me understand specifically what bills you have "offered" to pay.

kickme, please listen to me. Get all your exposures done TODAY so they all hit at the same time. If you are going to tick off hte affairees, GET YOUR MONEYS WORTH, so you can get back to carrot part of Plan A.

Get it over with in one fell swoop so they feel a TSUNAMI rather than a spit bath. My suggestion would be to call the OM's father today and tell him about the affair. Ask him to persuade his son to leave your wife alone so you can save your marriage.

OK....Thanks MB...guess Mel was right...I was not listening to your advise.
One big point to clarify....the OM does NOT have parents that I know of....I just got clarification from my DD...the OM has a 21 y.o. son that lives with him. (OM son lives at home). My DD is going to talk to him...they went to school together. As far as exposure from me...if he lives at home and my WW is there A LOT????....Mel....my exposure is DONE TODAY!!

As far as finances...my WW stayed at home for the last 10 years. When I say I am paying the bills...both cars, both houses, everything is in MY name. So...yes, I have to continue paying all the bills. What I am not paying is any bill that is in her name only. I have only left enough money in our JOINT acct for her to buy groceries, and fuel. Our 12yo son stays with her about 40% of the time...and yes I know that is Bull S, but he is my life and I cannot make that mental leap YET...
As far as her living expenses...she is living with her grandmother and at this point is NOT having to pay any share of utilities, etc....granny is very ill and requires help....so, dammit, my WW's family has exchanged our M for care of granny....just one more complication.

I am trying...keep it coming...I appreciate your help...damn this is hard!!!!

Really?
You think your WW told OM's son "I'm married, and my husband is fighting to save our marriage?"

I doubt it.

I bet he thinks your WW is separated or divorced, and that you don't give two hoots about the M.

ok TH point taken!!