I posted earlier and then deleted as I think I posted too much information.

My question is this- what if you really did have a bad marriage before you became emotionally involved with someone else? My marriage was headed downhill enough to give me the motivation to return to college to finish my degree- so that I could be prepared if I decided to divorce.

Never in a million years did I think I would allow myself to fall in love with someone other than my spouse- my affair has been over for 6 months now- but I still pine for OM- we were never intimate.

He filled a void in my life and I am having difficulty moving forward. I will not contact him any longer because it is what he wants- I was ready to walk away from my 23 year marriage if he would have asked me too- is this normal?

How do I go about restoring my marriage when I am not sure that it even what I really want anymore- My spouse is not someone that I can talk to- due to anger issues.

I know on this board they talk about revising marital history- but mine really was bad and only recently has my husband decided to address some of the issues that I cannot put up with any longer- alcohol and temper.

Has anyone else been able to save their marriage when they really believed it was over long before meeting OM? Was this just a final blow to an already dead relationship?

Welcome to MB, and ....

Yes, thousands have been able to restore their marriage using MB concepts despite their very foggy claim at first that they never loved their spouse and/or that the marriage was dead years and years before meeting the OP. And almost every single one of them also insisted it was true and their story was special that way.

I have a question for you. Why didn't you divorce your husband waaaay back then since your marriage was dead for soooooo long?

Jo

Fair enough Jo-

The same old story- I had three children and I did not want to rip their world apart-plus husband and I have long intertwined relationship with each other-he has alcohol abuse history and I basically was his babysitter for much of our marriage- My family also has history of alcohol abuse - so it was a role I used to be very comfortable playing- as I have expanded my role in life- it became something I am no longer willing to tolerate.

Also, I was lacking the skills necessary to get a job which would provide my children with the life I think they deserved.

It is not re-writing history- my husband would tell you the same thing about our marriage- it was not good at all. I do hope to improve it as I think it is important for a family to stay together and show how to work thru hard times- I just question my-self all the time now- that I could have allowed someone else to become so important in my life.

If your marriage is that terrible, there are always ways to leave and take care of your children. There are jobs and programs out there. Rarely do I believe that people stay together only for the children if they are so desperately unhappy, especially if one of them is in an affair. I would think that if your marriage was so terrible, your husband having anger issues and being an alcoholic, you would have gotten help long before you met OM and cheated on your H.

That being said, if both of you are willing to work on issues that you have as individuals and work on your marriage using MB ways and theories, you probably have a good chance of making it and falling in love again. I wish you the best.

Thats good to read. There's a couple first steps you need to take to begin this. And they won't be a cake walk. Far from it.

First step is to tell your husband about the OM, if you haven't already. We can help you with that. Next step is to end ALL CONTACT with OM.

Steps 1 and 2 are non-negotiable for a RECOVERED marriage. Are you in?

Jo

Verve-

I did attempt to improve my life for my children- I went back to school and finished and found a very good job- this was previous to my meeting OM-

I must tell you that I have struggled very much with my feelings- It would have been much easier to give in and have a full-blown affair - than to fight daily with the struggle of knowing this was somewhere I did not want to go and live with the guilt- I am just seeking advice on how to move forward and see if anyone else shares this experience. I am still fighting the feelings for OM ( we have been NC for 6 months), and am not certain I can ever regain feelings for husband- how do you communicate with someone who responds immediately with anger? I wish I had the kind of relationship where I could tell him, but I don't- he would react violently.

I really apologize for going down the "typical theme" road again. But it just seems so darn strange to me when one claims to have a VIOLENT partner, they would do the very thing that would set that partner off.

Does that add up for you?

Jo-

I am in- that is why I am here-

I don't know how to even begin to tell my husband- he knows OM and I fear he would react with violence.

I am NC with OM-

Tell me what NO CONTACT means to you?

Yes it makes perfect sense-

I did not set out to develop feelings for OM and I am not trying to justify my actions- This was mainly an e-mail exchange affair and before I knew it- I was in deep-I did not THINK about my husband and how he might react- This is how the problem started- I did not think about my husband.

No Contact means No Contact-

This was imposed on me by him- I did not initially want to stop talking to OM- and continued to e-mail him- He did not respond- for him it is over- He never sent a no-contact letter as I am not so sure he believes that what we had really constituted an affair.
Does this make sense?

I still hear about him from his sister, who is my friend, but we do not have any direct contact with each other and it will remain that way. I do not want to destroy his life and family.

No contact is great and needed to ensure that your marriage stays together. However, you are still feeding your "addiction" to the OM by hearing about him from his sister. If you are to get through this and stop pining for him you have to stop hearing about him too. You should let his sister know that you want to save your marriage and to do that you must not hear anything about OM. If that's not possible then perhaps she shouldn't be your friend. I know that's harsh, but your family is worth it.

I would go further. Drop any friendship with any member of OM's family. Blood is thicker than water. You are setting yourself up for problems long term, IMHO.

NC with OM and his family. For the sake of your family.

This will be impossible as my friends husband is related to my husband.

Hasn't anyone been able to recover marriage without telling and still haviing OM in picture? What about if you have resolved in your mind that it will never go anywhere- and contact has stopped. Isn't it possible for willpower to overcome if you know that it is wrong and really do not want to live that kind of lie? How about people with other addictions- smokers for example- to believe that they can avoid cigarettes forever is not realistic-just looking for others opinion- I did not give in to the temptation while in the midst of being "so in love" with OM -so isn't it possible- I could just avoid direct contact and move on without destoying everything in my path.

NA2,

Stick to one thread. Don't jump around because it can make it tough to follow you.

It would help us to help you if we knew a little more background.

Is your H a violent man? Has he been violent to you?

Why do you think he would respond with violence?

What would happen if you told your H that you were finding yourself attracted to another man and that you are telling him because you have problems in your marriage you wish to address?

You see, I could respond to my wife (when I had one) if she told me that she found herself attracted to another man and wanted to work on our marriage. I would likely be hurt, but would be happy she told me before it went further and it gave me the opportunity to address the problems she was having.

Could you fall in love with your H again? Absolutely.

But you're also looking at your marriage through very different glasses right now than you would otherwise.

Right now all you see is the bad and the negative. Surely, in 23 years and 3 children, you have good memories.

You see, if you approached all of our wayward spouses and asked them if the marriage was bad, you'd almost universally get a response of:

I've been unhappy for years.

I've tried and tried for years.

We've had problems for a long time.

He/She doesn't meet my needs and has never cared enough to address my concerns.

On the other end of it, as the betrayed, we perceive things very differently. Some of us thought, "Yes, we have some problems, but I love my wife/husband, warts and all."

There had to be positive memories. Surely there have been tender moments between you guys or some very good moments as a family which you are overlooking right now.

Look, I understand the feeling of having a lost love and thinking "if only" about someone else.

We're ALL susceptible to affairs. Recognising this vulnerabilility arms us to prevent it. You had an emotional affair.

I had an emotional affair with an ex. I was very very deeply in love with her and she broke my heart and went and married another man. She contacted me later to tell me she made a mistake.

A very strong emotional affair developed and we talked all the time via email and on the phone. It finally dawned on me that she wasn't going to divorce and that I was putting my life on hold for someone who needed to focus on her marriage. She got pregnant and that put an end to our contact.

I look back on this now and realize it was very wrong to stay in contact for as long as we did. I also see that I was very much in love with a fantasy and not the reality of what and who I was involved with. The woman I was in love with was seeing the two of us at the same time when we were dating and was in contact with both of us after she got married.

It was wrong.

MB has taught me that it was an emotional affair and I look back now and feel bad about how long we stayed in contact "as friends".

There was a lot of justification. "We're just friends" was common. "She married the wrong man" was one I told myself often.

It's very hard to "just be friends" with someone you were deeply in love with and wanted to marry.

Why am I sharing this with you?

Because she did fix her marriage after telling me she was unhappy and was with the wrong man and I haven't heard from her in a very long time.

So just chew on the fact that you're seeing things through very different colored glasses than you would otherwise because of your feelings for OM. Your H can't be as bad as you are making him out to be if you've been with him for 23 years. Surely there are good qualities.

There are many other FWWes on her who can help you (former wayward wives). They've been in your shoes.

I'm sure they can chime in and help. Most of them saved their marriages and those that didn't very much wish they hadn't done anything to hurt their husbands before the marriage ended and are still living with the consequences years and years later over the affairs they had.

They can provide very valuable insight and help.

Your husband is a man who sees what he wants to see. We do that as men. We think, "she's not complaining, so things must be ok". Yet, inside, you're dying and wanting out.

We literally need to be sat down, looked in the eye, and told, "I'm very unhappy and have been very seriously thinking about a divorce/leaving you."

We may need to be told over and over. But we'll get it. And an emotional affair is a big wakeup call.

WOW-

Thanks for taking the time to express a lot of very good information.

To address the first issue- temper- yes my husband has a terrible temper- he recently (with-in) the past year has been attempting to address this and realizes that he has been out of line in the past in the way he has dealt with his anger.
During our marriage- he has broken, punched and destroyed things in anger. He has been physical with me- 3 times in 23 years, but also has been physical with our two sons. In retrospect- I should have never allowed this behavior to continue and often times question why I did not do something sooner. Alcohol has played a factor in his violence- but even in the absence of alcohol- he deals with things in a negative manner.

I cannot talk to my husband- maybe you can understand this being a man- but when I try- he tells me either that that what I am telling him is not what is really bothering me, or he immediatly gets angry and becomes defensive. He often tells me that there is something wrong with me- when I attempt to point out the things he does that bother me. We attempted MC, but he did not agree with the advice and decided that it was all my problem. I had been asking him to go to MC long before I became attracted to OM- which makes me think that I am not looking at things differently- problems existed before OM came into my life.

At this time OM came into my life- lots of life circumstances were changing-and I could not rely on support from husband.

I do have good memories- I have not completely re-written the history of my marriage- which is what I have been reading here- this is not a new issue with me- I have been dealing with it for over a year and reading everything I can. I am embarrassed that I could "fall in love" with someone else and have fought very hard to overcome these feelings and not act upon them.

My husband does have many good qualities, but I do not feel emotionally close to him at all. I have told him this and I think that out of frustration due to his lack of acceptance- I gave up and quite telling him- why talk when he won't listen- and have him tell me I am crazy.

We got together very young and I sometimes believe we allowed hormones to overcome reason-

Married young or not, I'm still not seeing what your part is in the deterioration of your marriage, a marriage of 23 YEARS.

I keep reading what your BH did or didn't do. I see alot of "we" (we got married too young, etc.). Where are the "I" statements, such as:

I take responsibiity for ____________ .

Yes, you take responsibility for having an illicit affair as a response to the unhappiness you felt in your marriage. Thats a good start. But in 23 YEARS of marriage are you telling me your 100% of 50% of that marriage YOU were a perfect spouse?

When you come to Marriage Builders NA you can expect change, but whats surprising is it will mostly be from you.

Jo

I am not faultless by any means-I am not a martyr-

I am responsible for allowing my marriage to get into such poor shape- This is very easy to see now that it has hit bottom- There were many issues that should have been addressed years ago-and alcohol was a major factor. I also sense that I lost respect for my husband due to a number of factors and I should have made him realize I was not happy.

I went to school and have a very good job now- my self-esteem has improved and I am not willing to be complacent any-longer- He has told me that I have become aggressive , but I see it more as being assertive- and this is something he does not like in the least.

It is easy to judge someone when you have not “walked in their shoes”. I used to be the most judgmental person you would never want to meet- infidelity IS NOT acceptable to me- even as I write this I am certain that it is a behavior I do not condone- I allowed myself to be caught up in an emotional tangle-

I am thankful that we have been able to hold our marriage together for 23 years- I do believe in the sanctity of marriage and am willing to listen to any advice to help me improve and hopefully restore what I once had. This is not easy for me- as I mentioned- I felt a great deal of guilt and shame over the emotions I developed. I lost 30lbs and I was not heavy to begin with- my husband knew something was wrong- but I was also dealing with my mothers failing health and I think he attributed a lot of the crying and health issues to stress over dealing with my mom