Where to start? Well let's see, I'm brand spank'n new to this so please please be patient w/ me. I'll try to make this as short as I can. 4 Years ago I was that WS that had a nonsexual affair. The first 3 years were extremely rough. I could tell I wasn't trusted but just kept going day to day w/ keeping my nose clean and trying not to doing anything that would make him feel that I was be unfaithful. When my H found out about it he demanded I stop all contact w/ OM that lived 7 hours away and I did and was not scared to say absolutely I can and will because I have just destroyed my family and that is what's best. Last year we were having major problems and finally went to seek help. I had no clue that he had kept all his feelings bottled up inside for 3 years and it was eating him alive!! He lived w/ all those questions and wonders in his mind for 3 years and never said anything. Once he got it off his chest finally he did feel much better. So we have tried to work on our relationship for the last year now. Well about 3 weeks ago I had noticed my H was acting very weird with his cell phone. Never having the ringer on, always in his pocket instead of just laying on the kitchen counter, shutting it quickly if I walked into the room, looking over his shoulder alot, things that were not his norm. So I started to checking his phone whenever there was an opportunity. Sure enough, I did find some texts from a 19 year old single girl that is on the volunteer fire dept. with him. H & I are both 29 by the way. I didn't say anything but kept trying to check his phone when I could. The times of the texting were all times I was at the grocery store, getting my hair cut, while he was at work, etc. After a week a couldn't keep it in anymore and confronted him. I played it off as to what's the deal with your phone being so secret all the time. Who are you talking to? He denied it all until I said her name. Then he admitted to it. He said it was just chit chat and they were friends and shared the same interests and that yes she was fulfilling a void in his life. He said he wasn't sexually attracted to her and didn't have intentions of it being sexual. I asked what could have come of the relationship? He stated he can't say what would've happened. When I told him that he needed to stop talking to her he refused! He said he didn't know what the big deal was that it was a friendship that he kept secret because he knew I would flip out. I have other girlfriends that send him a text here and there and I'm ok with it but this is a girl I don't even know that is communicating with my husband secretly and sees him every time there is a fire or a fire meeting. I also wanted him to quit the fire dept which he has been on for about 5 or 6 years and really enjoys it. He refuses! I did call this OW and told her who I was and asked to please stop communicating with my husband and she said that she was sorry if she caused a problem and I told her that she had. We are trying to change lots of things in our relationship and have a long road ahead of us. I noticed he had NO emotion at all while I was confronting him. He also stated that it scared him that he had no emotion over the whole thing. Does he really not love me anymore? He says he hasn't talked to the OW but yesterday when he had 2 fire calls and also a fire mtg. to attend last night the emotions starting running wild through me. I don't want him involved w/ the dept anymore because they won't be around each other. I'm I asking to much of him to stop talking to her and to maybe even quit doing something he loves to do? I don't any benefits to him staying on except that my H might save a life or property. He doesn't get paid, it takes him away from meals, takes him away in the middle of the night, and it will keep me on edge everytime he gets called out or has a mtg which is once a week. We do live in a smaller town and it's a rural dept. so they don't get that many calls. I just can't understand why he won't give that all up if he truely cared about his marriage and his family. We have 2 d at home 9 and 5. I learned my lesson 4 years ago and he went through hell for 3 years!! Why would he put his family in that situation again? I'm I asking too much of him? I'm I just making assumptions? I said I would try to make this short and I'm sorry it wasn't. I sure felt good to type some of this out though.
Thanks,
What now

(Hope this helps the readers)

needingadvise wrote:

Where to start? Well let's see, I'm brand spank'n new to this so please please be patient w/ me. I'll try to make this as short as I can.

4 Years ago I was that WS that had a nonsexual affair. The first 3 years were extremely rough. I could tell I wasn't trusted but just kept going day to day w/ keeping my nose clean and trying not to doing anything that would make him feel that I was be unfaithful. When my H found out about it he demanded I stop all contact w/ OM that lived 7 hours away and I did and was not scared to say absolutely I can and will because I have just destroyed my family and that is what's best.

Last year we were having major problems and finally went to seek help. I had no clue that he had kept all his feelings bottled up inside for 3 years and it was eating him alive!! He lived w/ all those questions and wonders in his mind for 3 years and never said anything. Once he got it off his chest finally he did feel much better. So we have tried to work on our relationship for the last year now.

Well about 3 weeks ago I had noticed my H was acting very weird with his cell phone. Never having the ringer on, always in his pocket instead of just laying on the kitchen counter, shutting it quickly if I walked into the room, looking over his shoulder alot, things that were not his norm. So I started to checking his phone whenever there was an opportunity. Sure enough, I did find some texts from a 19 year old single girl that is on the volunteer fire dept. with him. H & I are both 29 by the way.

I didn't say anything but kept trying to check his phone when I could. The times of the texting were all times I was at the grocery store, getting my hair cut, while he was at work, etc. After a week a couldn't keep it in anymore and confronted him. I played it off as to what's the deal with your phone being so secret all the time. Who are you talking to? He denied it all until I said her name. Then he admitted to it. He said it was just chit chat and they were friends and shared the same interests and that yes she was fulfilling a void in his life. He said he wasn't sexually attracted to her and didn't have intentions of it being sexual.

I asked what could have come of the relationship? He stated he can't say what would've happened. When I told him that he needed to stop talking to her he refused! He said he didn't know what the big deal was that it was a friendship that he kept secret because he knew I would flip out. I have other girlfriends that send him a text here and there and I'm ok with it but this is a girl I don't even know that is communicating with my husband secretly and sees him every time there is a fire or a fire meeting. I also wanted him to quit the fire dept which he has been on for about 5 or 6 years and really enjoys it. He refuses!

I did call this OW and told her who I was and asked to please stop communicating with my husband and she said that she was sorry if she caused a problem and I told her that she had.

We are trying to change lots of things in our relationship and have a long road ahead of us. I noticed he had NO emotion at all while I was confronting him. He also stated that it scared him that he had no emotion over the whole thing. Does he really not love me anymore?

He says he hasn't talked to the OW but yesterday when he had 2 fire calls and also a fire mtg. to attend last night the emotions starting running wild through me. I don't want him involved w/ the dept anymore because they won't be around each other. I'm I asking to much of him to stop talking to her and to maybe even quit doing something he loves to do? I don't any benefits to him staying on except that my H might save a life or property. He doesn't get paid, it takes him away from meals, takes him away in the middle of the night, and it will keep me on edge everytime he gets called out or has a mtg which is once a week.

We do live in a smaller town and it's a rural dept. so they don't get that many calls. I just can't understand why he won't give that all up if he truely cared about his marriage and his family. We have 2 d at home 9 and 5. I learned my lesson 4 years ago and he went through [censored] for 3 years!! Why would he put his family in that situation again? I'm I asking too much of him? I'm I just making assumptions? I said I would try to make this short and I'm sorry it wasn't. I sure felt good to type some of this out though.

Thanks,

What now

Thank you for the paragraph breaks, Chrisner...

Welcome to Marriage Builders, needingadvise.

You did really well for your first time posting, dovered a lot of things, I think.

One place I'm confused was that four years ago you had an A. Are you saying your DDay for telling your BH of your A was four years ago, or just a year ago, after three years of not saying anything? I understand you to say that only in the last year you've gone no contact (NC) with your OM, is that correct?

And for the last year you guys have been in MC (marital counseling)? Or was it a short-term thing? Once your BH let out all his feelings, you guys stopped going?

What was the plan you decided to do to recover personally and maritally from your A? Sounds like one component was transparency...keeping your BH informed of your whereabouts, your thoughts, holding yourself to extraordinary precautions so that you didn't stray or give him ideas of you having another A intentionally, is that correct?

Have you read Harley's "Suriving An Affair"? A plan to rebuild your marriage involves changing, growing, knowing and owning what you did, why you did it, and how and why you won't do it again. Takes years to recover even from a brief A. The longer the A, the longer the recovery time. And as long as there is contact, then recovery cannot begin.

Now it seems you have discovered your BH having an EA (Emotional Affair) and it's devastating to you. Can you elaborate on what you're feeling, thinking?

And as for recoverying from your A, what did you change about yourself in regards to honesty, intimacy, protection and time since the discovery of your A?

Sorry for the many questions...more information to help answer your question.

LA

I will try to answer some of this questions quickly as I'm about to leave work and my family is headed to the mountains for some bonding for the weekend.

My BH found out 4 years ago this month actually. I had NC immediately with the OM so it's been 4 years as well for that. My BH kept his feeling bottled up for the first 3 years until demons were eating him alive and we went to counseling for a short period. I hated role playing in front of a guy didn't know and it was very very uncomfortable for me. We had some pointers given to us in the few sessions we attended and thought we could start off there. Guess I was wrong.

My BH says it is not an EA and that every person he has asked agrees with him. I say it is. As far as my feelings, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. When I confronted him I was angry, a few hours later I was crushed, felt unwanted, worthless, a found myself trying to be competitve, telling myself I'm 29 with 2 kids she is 19 no kids I need to lose weight, I need to do this and that. Today my feeling is extreme hurt. I've had a really hard day and just want to cry!

As for my changes after my A, I tried to be more open and honest and make him feel comfortable that everything was ok and that I wasn't being a WW. I never went anywhere or did anything. I blamed my A on emotional needs as well. It is obvious to me that we both need to work on each others emotional needs.

I have felt very overloaded and used for some time now and it has taken a toll on my attitude around the house. I do everything from getting the girls up for school, to school, to activities, supper, clean up, making sure homework is done, baths, in bed on time, clean clothes for tomorrow, pick up everyones messes. I do it all. The trash can be piling on the counter and nobody can get off their butts to talk it out. My kids make mess after mess w/ their friends over all the time and don't pick anything up. Instead of calmly asking for some help I just get "Bitchy" as I've been told! BH doesn't see how picking up a stupid broom once in awhile will make my happier. He says he has nothing to gain from it and it's just my excuse.

I know inside if I could just get some of the family load off my shoulders and get some help I would be a happier person and more relaxed and involved with my family more and he wouldn't be looking for someone to fill the void.

I had a slap in the face a few days ago and realized that we never do anything. We stay in town all the time. We never go do anything in town even. My d have been one vacation and that's it. I proud I stepped up and realized that and I understand we need time to unwind, relax, enjoy each others company! But I have kept them in prison every weekend because I'm too busy cleaning mess after mess. I can't keep up with them and feel to much pressure to get it all done. That is why we are headed to the mountains tomorrow.

I hope this helps some of the confusion.

Whether or not he calls it an affair, it IS an affair! Start with breaking it up.

19 years old? Probably lives home with mom and dad? Start there. "Excuse me but your lil girl is starting a relationship with my husband who is almost 30. I do not think it is appropriate". I bet mom and dad pay her cell bill. If it were my daughter, her phone is gone.

Volunteer fire department....no more. She goes or he goes. He loves it? Too bad. "Do you love your fire department or me?"

PLAN A. Lose that weight. No LB's. Meet his EN's.

There are still issues he is holding onto from the A in your past. I think you need to get back into professional counseling to get on track and get that behind you. Didn't like role playing? Small price to pay. Think about how YOU feel now with him having an OW. That's what HE felt 4 years ago. Suck it up, go role play.

Have I mentioned PLAN A?

Excellent advice Jim, all of it. She really needs to pay heed to what you're saying, and NOW, or she really will lose him...for good.

You are going through about the same thing I am. My husband has reconnected with a female friend from high school. They call and text each other all the time. She even calls him from EVERY break and lunch period while she's at work.He says they're just friends so does she.(Yes, he even brings her to OUR house!)
I have told him and her that I don't like all the calling and texting. He refuses to stop because"there's nothing going on" and she says that "if I was secure in my marriage, it wouldn't be a problem. I could probably go along with that, but one night when he was supposed to be at a buddie's house, I went out and SHE was there too. She is always ready and willing to help if he needs ANYTHING all he has to do is say something. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. What to do?!?

Thanks for the advise CrushedJim.

As far as the OW living situation, she lives on her own with 2 other roommates. Graduated HS last year.

I've already been told I will NOT make him quit the FD. That's one of the things that hurts so bad. He can't give that up if it's going to tear us apart more.

Plan A. Not much to really lose. I'm 5'8" and weigh 135 lbs. It's just one of those competitive girl things. I tell myself I need to weigh 90lbs soaking weight. I have printed the EN Questionnaire so I can really see what he is needing in his life.

I do get the suck it up and go role play. We have to do something. Fighting Fire w/ Fire is wrong. He knew how terrible he felt and I'm not sure why he would put myself and our g through HELL again.

Our weekend was nice and we enjoyed the family time. Until the OW would pop into my mind!

Thanks for the advise.

It has been a very rough few weeks. I have printed out the Emotional needs questionnaire and we have both done that and more or less WH only needs domestic and recreational. So what does that mean? He only wants me to take care of the kids and the house and go play when he wants? WH has no need for affection or communication.

I also had WH do the recreational interests questionnaire and he acted bothered to have to do it and never once asked for any results on it.

I got our journal back out and wrote in it twice with length entries. His 2 were very short and in the last one he wrote that he didn't know what to write and that was about it.

I have had a hard time when he has to go to a fire call or to the meetings. WH says he has had NC w/ OW. I don't think he has but it still makes me question it. We had a big blow up last night and he once again chose his fire class over getting to the bottom of our disagreement. I let him know that I was tired of Fire coming before anything else in his life. He informed me that they were having a practice burn Sat. morning I he WAS going whether I liked it or not!!!!!!!!! I simply replied with ok in a happy chipper voice!!

I just can't even think straight anymore. I haven't eaten since Supper Sunday evening and I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I'm not going to compete with fire and I don't know what to do anymore. Do I just mind my own business and do as I please until WH opens his eyes?

Meet ENs. Keep the house sparkling, put fresh flowers on the table, make cookies, light candles, put on good music. Invite him to go on walks, fly a kite, have a picnic, go to a flea market, go roller skating, whatever you guys would enjoy doing together.

Avoid LBs.

SPY and find out if contact is ongoing.
The minute you discover contact, EXPOSE.

Expose to his parents, your parents, OW's parents, OW's boyfriend, the supervisors at the fire station.

Stay in a flawless Plan A for at least three weeks.

I would say the only thing you can do is Plan A. This could be your H's way of "figuring out how it happened" and moving past the affair. He may be seeing how you let yourself fall into the trap of an affair. Problem is that by opening himself up to explore how it happened to you, he could very easily fall into his own EA/PA. He may even want you to go through the pain he went through.

From my point of view, you have little ground to stand on. He does not believe he made a mistake in the past, so why should you not trust him? Why should he give anything up? I can see myself feeling exactly the same way.

However, he is involved in a very dangerous game. If I were you, I would explain to him how having a friend of the opposite sex can be dangerous. Tell him that you saw the pain that he went through after discovering your affair (and yes it was an affair). Tell him you are very sorry for putting him through that (if you are). Tell him how much you love him, why you love him, and show him.

I know you probably won't want to hear this but he may think this girl is perfect for him, his soulmate. She likes the same things that he does (firefighting). May have thought the same thing about you but changed his mind after your EA. You need to make sure he changes it back. Be the best wife he could ever want. JMHO

Thanks for some advise

I have already expressed how sorry I am for my EA and the pain it caused H & girls. I knew I had to have NC and had no problem with that. He however still says it was not an EA and there is no reason for NC and there is nothing wrong with being friends w/an opposite sex person who is 10 years younger than him.

I hate the fire dept. because it is so much more important than ANYTHING in his life. I don't believe there is anything wrong with him at least taking a leave of absence until he can gain some trust back from me. It is too painful to watch him leave to go be involved w/ the FD. He doesn't get even get paid to do it. That is not what he does to provide for our family. If he would've attended everything w/ the FD last week it would've been 5 days he was there for something or other.

I have tried my hardest for 3 weeks and he just doesn't care! I honestly think the love is completely gone on his end and it's very close for me! He doesn't show any sign that he wants to do anything with me so why ask him too. I tried to get him to go to the gym with me last week and he didn't feel like it but sure enough as soon as his friend that he always goes with asks him this week of course he goes. Have I ever been invited to go, NO! We have a family membership w/ his brothers name on it and his friend gets in under his brothers name. I'm tired of being left out of everything and I'm not going to slave away at home all night every night like I have done for the past 11 years of our relationship.

After I gave him the recreational interest questionnaire I shut down for 2 days because I saw exactly what you mentioned H&S. OW & WH share a TON of interests. All he wants to do is play and not have a care in the world.

My 30th b-day is tomorrow and he is supposedly having a party for me Fri night. That is what our blow up was over last night. I DON'T WANT A PITY PARTY!! He hasn't tried to change anything in the last 3 weeks but oh my it's my w b-day I HAVE to do something. He just feels obligated and everything will go back to the way it was. Since everyone will be there maybe I'll just announce a divorce!!!!!!!!!

"After I gave him the recreational interest questionnaire I shut down for 2 days because I saw exactly what you mentioned H&S. OW & WH share a TON of interests. All he wants to do is play and not have a care in the world."

Now you know what you are up against. What you need to do is find things that you guys like to do together. There has to be some things. How did you have fun before the kids were born? How did you have fun when you were dating?

"He however still says it was not an EA and there is no reason for NC and there is nothing wrong with being friends w/an opposite sex person who is 10 years younger than him."

It may or may not be an EA, and even if it was he will not admit it. Point is that there IS a problem with having a friend of the opposite sex because it jeopardizes your FAMILY, your MARRIAGE. He does not see it as a threat. However, if there was nothing wrong with it, he would be able to have NC for his FAMILY and his MARRIAGE.

"I have already expressed how sorry I am for my EA and the pain it caused"

I am sure you have but at this point you need to remind him of the pain it caused and that you do feel sorry for it b/c he has much temptation from "an opposite sex person who is 10 years younger than him" and "OW & WH share a TON of interests." Your instincts are right but he is in the FOG of an EA. Put things in perspective. You had an EA. He has never recovered. He probably still questions your marriage every day (b/c of the EA). Now he has found some one that may be his soulmate. He has a fantasy world with her, the "All he wants to do is play and not have a care in the world."

Bring him back to reality. Plan A. Remind him you are sorry for what happened. Remind him you love your MARRIAGE, your FAMILY and you do not want to risk losing it. Read up on Plan A. You have nothing to lose. You will change into the best person you can be and if your M fails, you have still accomplished a great feat - being the best person you can be.

Part II

"I have tried my hardest for 3 weeks and he just doesn't care! I honestly think the love is completely gone on his end and it's very close for me! He doesn't show any sign that he wants to do anything with me so why ask him too. I tried to get him to go to the gym with me last week and he didn't feel like it but sure enough as soon as his friend that he always goes with asks him this week of course he goes. Have I ever been invited to go, NO!"

Tell him how this makes you feel. That you love him and this hurts you.

"My 30th b-day is tomorrow and he is supposedly having a party for me Fri night. That is what our blow up was over last night. I DON'T WANT A PITY PARTY!!"

This is not a pity party, it shows he still cares for you. He does still love you. If he did not, he would not bother.

"Since everyone will be there maybe I'll just announce a divorce!!!!!!!!!"

I would refrain from any rash actions. He could always pop off that you want a D b/c of your A.

Because things have to start improving somewhere.
Someone has to take the first steps.
You are the one motivated to make changes, so you ask him.
Over and over.

I hope you're just really frustrated, and venting, because that last post of yours was bubbling over with love busters. That's fine here, in fact this is a good place to come vent so you *don't* LB at home. I thought I'd mention it in case you're talking at home like you did in your last post.