Greetings all, it appears from viewing this board that I am not alone. Unfortuanately, I feel more lonely than ever. I am the last to find out my H has OC that is 1yrs old. The affair happened during a extremly rocky time in our relationship. The worst part for me is that the OC is with a friend of H's sister. His family knows her because he and his two sisters went to high school with this person. The absolute worst part is she is a hair dresser and my daughter was one of her clients for a while. My 5 yr old daughter thinks she is great and doesn't know that the kid is her little brother yet. Not sure how to even start those talks but I know that we will have to at some point.

Anyway, I always knew something had gone on between the two of them and accused him several times of having a relationship with her that went beyond friendship, but I never in a million years dreamed they had a child. I knew they were friends and he denied the there was anything going on. After awhile she disappreared. I did'nt hear her name for months so I figured all of the praying I was doing really removed the temptation from him and that she was no longer a threat. Little did I know the only reason I wasn't hearing her name anymore was because she was pregnanat and trying to get him to be with her which he immediately rejected. I only believe it was rejected because I heard it from the OW mouth.

Long story short she knew about me, knew we have a kid, knew he did'nt want the baby,knew he had a child by a previous relationship in college, and still settled for being "Baby Mama" number 3. From what I understand she told him that she could not abort the baby due to her own health reasons which sounds like absolute BS.

His family knew long before me which is a huge source of humiliation for me, he pretty much threatened all of them in fear of losing me and our daughter,I came to find this out later so I can't be mad at his family I think they thought it was right. Besides blood is always thicker than mud. I just wish I wouldn't have been the last to know. Now I don't know what to do, at some point this child is going to start coming around and the mother will too I'm sure. He has been supporting the OC financially with little contact which I resently found out, but I think the pressure from his family to bring the baby around is starting to weigh on him. When he finally told me he said they all met with him (kinda similar to an intervention) and told him to tell me or they would. One of his sisters experienced the same thing and told me she wanted to talk to me but he finally told me first to keep me from finding out from her.

My H has let me know straight out that she will never be a part of the family but the child will of course, but knowing his family, they will carry on a relationship with both the mother and child anyway regardless even if he doesn't know about it. I have choosen to stay with him and work it out because I love him, I know he loves me and I know that this was a fling and the partenity of the child is still in question. I think the rough part is how do I handle everyone knowing now that I know ( I feel stupid for not sensing something was up, and probably would'nt have found out if I didn't start snooping thru his email), not sure how to handle OW/OC, and restoring our relationship. Please share your thoughts. I am over here in shock and falling apart.

Not sure what steps to take first to help myself thru this ordeal. Do I go with him to pick up the baby, do I introduce myself to her, should I stay out of the picture? So lost

If you read this far, please reply with something. I need any advice I can get, or at least some kind words.

Duck,

I am so sorry that you are here. I feel your pain. We have all felt it, but I don't feel qualified to help you. I don't know how to deal with the OC issue. I know that there are others on the board who have been in your situation and have successfully recovered their marriages and have accepted the OC with open arms.

I hope that they will chime in and help you through this. Others will tell you to run the other way. Fast.

If your WH wants to recover your marriage, you have a great chance of recovery. It's up to you.

I'm sorry for your situation Duck. I read your post - there are many others here that are far better qualified to give you advice.

From what you have written, I would most definitely pursue the paternity test, for your own peace of mind. It sounds like you have been deceived in so many ways including the OW, OC, Finances.

The fact that you have chosen to forgive and work through this is admirable - some of the things you are dealing with will change over time, the humiliation, hurt, and anger.

The fact that his family told him to tell you or they would - sounds like there is potential for a good support system during this difficult time.

The fact that he tried hiding it for so long is very concerning! You deserve better than that. IC or MC is probably going to be needed to deal with the reasons for the affair and deception. I would not let him stay unless there was a reasonable plan for recovery moving forward which should include a paternity test, some type of counseling at the minimum. There is much more such as full disclosure of cell phone records, banking, email passwords, everything!

Every situation is different, but I would definitely start with some sound professional counsel. People here speak so highly of the counsel they receive from the Harley's. That would probably be the best place to start - unbiased counsel from someone unrelated to the situation. I know it's expensive, but you get a starting place.

I'm sure others will ring in soon!

Duck,

Wow. That's a lot to handle. Don't try to do it alone. I agree, the Harleys would probably be your best resource, and you can do it by phone. Costs about what you'd pay a local marriage counselor. They've dealt with this before and can help you recover AND deal with the OC situation.

Those of us who've piped up so far haven't dealt with this complication, but there ARE members here who have, and they will chime in. If they miss this post, we'll go find 'em for you. I've never done a "shout out" but I'll figure out how to do it if they don't find you.

Hang on to yourself, Duck. I'll check back on you soon.

RHW

Ok. Going to try to bring in the big guns here.

Hi duck,

I posted to you on the p/c board. I don't usually recommend bringing OC issues out to GQ because most posters just do not know what to do with situations like these.

I would love for you to email me if you can.

killnme2004-mb@yahoo.com

I have some information to share with you.

I can only tell you what I did, many years ago in a similar situation. When I was married to my first husband, he had an affair with an acquaintance of mine. Two weeks into the A, she got pregnant. At first I thought it was the end of the world. The child was born on my mother and uncle's birthday. Four months later, my H brought the child home to live with us and I raised him the first three years of his life. He had an older half-sister, and I took care of her also while her mother was in the hospital for a month. I thought it was important that the siblings know each other because my sisters have always been very important to me. I took the kids to church and would stay and "visit" with OW (who was no longer having an A with my H) while they played together, but other than that, I didn't have a lot of contact with her. We did share one holiday but I felt that was too much.
When the child was three, his dad and I divorced. I loved this child more than anything in the world but had no "rights" and he went to live with his natural mother at that time. I saw him once on his seventh birthday. When the kids were older, they sought me out, both of them. They have chosen to stay in touch all of these years and even told me they wish I could have adopted them. They are now 35 and 37 with children of their own, yet they continue to email, chat, call, and visit me when they are able to be in this area. Their natural mother passed away a year ago. Their fathers have had little contact in their lives.
I have heard of others that have had this situation, and it really is an individual choice for you and your husband to make. It would be best if you could present a united front. Contact with OW can be similar to most divorce cases, keeping contact to a minimum. Every situation is different so what will work best for you will be unique to your own situation. This will likely be more difficult in the beginning. One thing I did institute from the beginning: I never badmouthed the other parents to the kids. Any faults/mistakes of theirs the kids will see on their own as they grow up, they don't need help pointing them out...they may need help seeing good points, and that I tried to do.
Incidentally, I led OW to the Lord and that is where she is now.
Life takes some odd twists sometimes that we don't plan and often don't know how to handle, but seek God's plan for you and He will be faithful to show you His way.