My husband has a history of being dishonest and we've had our share of problems for the past 11 1/2 years since we've been married. He's never been unfaithful but flirty with a "ladies man" attitude. He is the music minister at our church and has always recieved praise, etc. from women. He's amazingly talented. I am very involved with his ministry as I sing on and lead the praise and worship team.

Nearly two months ago I noticed some changes in him. He was going to the gym every morning and coming home late and in "nicer than usual" attire. He was brushing his teeth more than usuall and using every excuse to leave the house.

I had a friend who was going through a divorce because of her husbands infidelity. One afternoon, several months ago, my husband took her, her kids, and our two youngest out to lunch while I was at work. Our daughters were best friends. I was infuriated and confronted both of them. They agreed that was an inappropriate thing to do and she remorsfully said she would NEVER to anything to hurt me. She said, "my husband left me for a stranger and I could nevery hurt my friend like that"

Needless to say, this is the very woman that my husband has been involved with for the past two months. I hid a recorder in our car and recorded part of a phone conversation. Because my husbands cell phone is paid for by our church. Our pastor pulled the phone records for me and I noticed that he'd been leaving the house to call her.

I confronted both of them and they both said that they were nothing but phone conversations. My H said that she meant nothing to him and he would stop the contact at once. For four days he made dilligent effort to be a good father and husband. Afterwards things began to go downhill again and I noticed some of the same signs as before. There have been several times since then that I have caught him having contact with her. I know now that there was physical contact but they both deny intercourse. Does it really make a difference anyway.

A couple of weeks ago after becoming suspicious of a "detour" he said he was making on his way home. I drove to her house knowing that it was her lunch break and found his car in her garage!

He says that he doesn't want her. So why does he keep going back? I've asked him to leave several times but he will not stay gone. The last time he was crying uncontrollably and begging me for another chance. How many chances am I supposed to give him? He's home and behaving for now. But I am a mess. How do I cope with this? How do I handle the anger and betrayal I am feeling towards both of them? Her attitude now is. "I never intended to hurt you, but it's done and I won"

You need to decide if you want to plan A or plan B. I kicked my H out and he was not allowed back into the house until NC. I hadn't found MB until 3 months post d-day so I can't really give much advice on plan A. In my case, my FWH was not addicted to OW so I didn't have to deal with that and she lived in another state. Expose the affair to your family, WH's family, OW's family, and your church. You need to look past your H's crying and begging and look at what he's doing to recover the M. Letting him come and go will be too exhausting for you.

Twenty-Five's posts have been moved to her own thread on GQ11 at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2137729#Post2137729

lostmommy - two reasons. First, sin - he WANTS it more than he wants God or you. Second, adultery is very much like an addiction.



Has he confessed to adultery? Has he asked for forgiveness?

WHY is he home and what do you mean by he is "behaving?"



All adulterers lie. That is what she is doing. Of course she meant to hurt, and that little "I won" statement proves it. There is no "competition" for someone else's spouse. There is only deceit and intent to get whatever you want no matter who gets hurt.

How you handle this will be a long process, if you WANT to remain married. At the very least, your husband is not "fit" to lead anything in church, it would appear, so let's talk about his relationship with God if you'd like to. As David's adultery with Bathsheba "cost him" the life of his child and a life continuing problems in his family and government, so too are there likely to consequences of your husband's decision to commit adultery.

So why don't you tell us what you do know and what your husband has said, as well as any other information you know about the Other Woman and her involvement with your husband?

But in direct answer to your "how to handle this" question, you "handle it" with God, not alone. You handle it with folks such as those on MB who have been where you are and have "gone through it" themselves and who can't be "lied to" and who will give you "straight talk" about recovery from infidelity.

One last question, how many times have you "kicked him out," what has he said to get you to let him stay, and why do YOU want to remain married to him?

Sorry! I lost my login info and haven't been able to post for a while.

When I said he's behaving I meant that I didn't suspect that he was comunicating with her. Now, however, I think he may be. I believe he has an e-mail account he's not sharing with me. He also left the other night at about 10:40 to pick up some heartburn meds. He was claiming to be very uncomfortable. Before, he would leave around that time to run random errands and he was really seeing or talking to her. I didn't think he was trying to see her because he didn't brush his teeth before leaving. This time, he was gone for a full hour when the store is about three miles away. He said that he was walking around trying to calm down. He returned with a foil package of chewable antacids. Only one was missing. The next morning, after taking our daughters to school, I noticed a package of mint gum behind the drivers seat of our car. There were two peices missing. It wasn't there before.

Whether he's seeing her or not doesn't matter as much to me anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to make an exit plan anyway. We had several issues before all of this. He isn't making much effort to change those or prove to me that he can be trusted. It's just so hard when little kids are involved. I feel that they would be better off in the long run if we divorced but the thought of the transition period is really scarey to me. A month ago we moved into a house that we all love and the kids really like their school. We've been in this town for a couple of years now but only moved here because of my H's job. The kids and I couldn't stay here. We'd go back to my hometown where my family lives. It's a couple of hours away. H's family lives close to there.

I did ask him yesterday if he would be willing to sign dissalution papers. I want to end this with as little drama as possible. He said NO. He isn't going to sign for something he doesn't want. He said that it would have to be all ME. I told that I felt okay in doing that. He replied, "On what basis?" I said ADULTRY. He said, "I never commited adultry!!!" So, if it wasn't adultry, what the heck was it. Can he really think you can't commit adultry without having intercourse? Besides, they probably have. Besides I believe the Bible says, "sexual immorality," not just adultry. I don't think he believes I'm really going to leave. He probably thinks I'm using this to manipulate him into changing.

Yes, lostmommy, LOTS of people think adultery is ONLY sex with someone who is not your spouse. Those "LOTS" of people are usually Wayward Spouses seeking to rationalize and justify their behavior.





Yes, that is what the Bible says. It also says that if you "look upon another woman with lust in your heart, you HAVE committed adultery" in God's eyes.



Are you? Have you decided that the marriage is not salvageable or worth saving? Or ARE you going to fight to save your marriage? Fighting FOR your marriage is NOT "manipulating."

God bless.

In the context of filing dissalution [sic] papers, the legal definition of adultery applies, which is sex with someone other than your spouse. But, adultery can be proven by circumstantial evidence, such as, as you noted in your earlier post, his car parked in her garage.