When you say, "IC", do you mean individual counseling?

I talked with my HR person here at work and she informed me that I can remove my WH from my health insurance at anytime. However, he'll have 62 days to get other health insurance or else any pre-existing conditions won't be covered for 11 months. So, I'm going to see what my lawyer says about this.

He SAID he was going to take the car off the road OR create his own auto insurance policy - he's been saying that for almost a month.

He left me a note and his $60 paycheck from his PT gig. He left it at the house so when I got home from work, I got it. The note said, "The tools are in the garage. Call me when you want to talk.". He brought the tools back because he said I could have them and sell them if I wanted. When we were building the house, we (I) bought them. Later that day, he sent me a text message that said, "You get text messages on your phone, right? That might be easier...".

My instincts tell me to call him and tell him that we've known eachother for 15 years and I want to talk with him live. I need to know what happened to our marriage.

Did you go thru anything similar?

Easier for whom? Him? I'd encourage him to see/talk with you while you plan A, clear up until you do a PBL and Plan B.

I don't think my situation is like anyone else's. My H lives 3 1/2 hours away from me...he was living there before we married and moved to my home when we married...then immediately moved back when his job didn't work out because he had another job offer back there. He's been there ever since. For a while I was going to see him because I was out of work and had more time, then we were taking turns, then he was coming to see me because I have the animals to take care of and he said he liked coming here. Well then he started making excuses not to come, not taking my calls at night, not calling me back, etc, the only time he'd talk on the phone is on the way to work. One day I drove up there and guess what I found...he had a girl living with him. When I'd visit him, he'd pack her up and have her stay elsewhere, can you believe it! A couple of years ago he could have gotten a job here, not it's not so easy, jobs are really tight and we have more expenses now. He pays his, I pay mine...but he'd gone into business and lost a lot of money, then I remortgaged my house (that I had before we married) to pay off his debts so he could take a lower paying job and move here. Instead he was having an A and ran himself into debt again. Now I'm in a precarious position financially, but I won't sign for anything again.
Things were going pretty good for us until about 2 1/2 weeks ago, then he became very angry to me, again, not calling except to get mad, and making excuses not to see me. My birthday was this week, he did nothing for me except call and get mad at me. I have given all this over to God, I don't know what else to do...I can't make him love me, can't even make him be nice to me, but I can set boundaries, what I will and won't take. I have basically turned him over to God. Suddenly he is being nicer. I don't gauge anything by this as I know WS run hot/cold and it has nothing to do with us, it's something they're going through. I know I can't take a lifetime of this, but right now my attitude is basically "wait and see" and a day at a time. I don't have a lot of hope but I haven't given up either. I am trying to plan A and not LB.

I really feel for you, you have put so much into your H and your M and to have him acting like this is a real slap in the face...but then so have I, and it is! I really wish you the best...maybe someone more experienced will come on here with some advice for you.

How are the interactions that you do have, going? Are you able to Plan A? Have you figured out his emotional needs, why he might have started all this? Have you figured out how you can help meet those needs? Good luck, keep posting!

Caz.

I am sorry to see you here and in this sitch. Please hang in there, the weekends get slow so don't be discouraged.

It sounds like your WH has low self esteem issues. Most likely the OW admired him and made him feel good about himself.

Not saying you don't but I am sure that facing you means facing himself, not working, depending on you, drinking too much.

You can't save him from himself, only he can do this. You can only control your self.

Where are you going to live? What do you do for yourself?

Hang in there,

BA

Exactly. From day one, I've been saying that I want to talk live, not thru a note, not via phone,....live, direct conversation. I deserve at least that. I've been nothing but pleasant & accomodating since this whole thing happened. Not a doormat, just pleasant & accomodating.

I'm in the same frame of mind - "wait and see" and "one day at a time". I still have hope. It's only been 2 months since I saw him with the OW and he left the house. But, like you, I haven't given up!


My WH and I have had about a half dozen interactions since I caught him with OW. When we got together to discuss finances last month, he was totally cool + relaxed...we talked for 2 hrs and it actually felt good. But the most recent interaction he seemed more distant. Yes, I'm able to Plan A. However, it doesn't SEEM to be working because nothing has changed. I think he has a mix of most of the EN's listd on this website. The ones that come to mind first are affection, conversation, companionship, + admiration. I feel like I can't meet any of these when he doesn't talk or see me! I'm planning to call him today and tell him that I'll be at such + such a place, at such + such a time so we can talk, ...see you there. I'm not going to give him an option to put it off again. We'll see how that goes.

Happy belated birthday, Vows4Good. Thanks for your feedback.

Not sure. My father offered, my grandmother offered, etc. But, I keep thinking that I want to get my own little apartment for now....as I'm planning to finish the house and live in it. I love that property and I'm prepared to live there on my own if it comes down to that.

I'm doing good things for myself. I went to a convention in Florida a couple weeks ago for work and I spent a lot of free time with my colleagues. At first I wasn't going to go but decided that I should have fun and forget what's going on at the moment...I needed it.

Thanks for your response, BA! Does your "situation" have any of the same characteristics as mine?

I will say this since no one else had. Your husband is an alcoholic and these concepts here at MB do not work with addicts.

I think you need to find out why you stayed with this alcoholic all these years. And why you want this alcoholic back.

He does not work much either. How can you live with that?

Sometimes when a guy says, "I am not good enough for you" it is really TRUE!

Yeah, I mentioned that on page 1, Stella.

The more you talk about your WH, CZ, the more I am reminded of my WH-Gray. His addiction is prescription drugs, not alcohol, but it is an addiction, nonetheless.

Charlotte

I was with my H for all these years because I love him, we're best friends, he and I are very compatible, many of the same interests, and the list goes on. He is extremely intellectual and our conversations are always full of substance...like the rest of our relationship. This is the very first time that he has ever treated me this way in our entire relationship,...all these years. I've never wanted more in a partner. He has always treated me with respect, love, etc.... never once raised his voice at me, always listens, etc. But, in the last several months, his drinking has gotten bad and that is when this all started.

No, he doesn't work much. He does bring in money from side work and PT gig. He should have a FT job though. However, he does everything else - he cooks every meal, he shops, he fixes our cars, he picks me up from work, etc.

I deserve everything I want. Right now (and for the past several months) I deserve better than what he has provided, MUCH BETTER. I don't want THIS person....whoever he is now. BUT, I'm willing to take him back IF he gets his SH*% together.


Thanks for your response, Stellakat.

Hi Charlotte - he certainly does have an addiction to alcohol. I'm willing to be there for him as he works thru it (IF he decides that is what he will do). But, now I'm worried that he has another addition...this OW.

Thx, CAZ

I hear ya', CAZ.

It's awfully hard for folks to give up that crutch. My cousin finally did it for the FINAL time...alcohol...(she was a lifelong and had quit but her oldest son died and she fell off the proverbial wagon--just went through rehab again and so far so good!)

You are probably right about him being addicted to OW. I could clearly see it in WH-Gray and even told him so in a non-shouting manner before I found MB. (Or MB found me, LOL!)

Hang in there!

Charlotte

We FINALLY talked!

I left a vmail for my H last night to meet me @ the park this morning and he was there. I told him I was confused + wanted to understand what happened. He said he hadn't been happy/in love with me for about a year or so. In that time he felt like he was living someone else's life. He said it was not like a switch, like one day he woke up and felt different about his life. He said he has a problem, not happy with himself, doesn't know what he wants, but knows he wants to be alone ... that he should be alone b/c he doesn't want to bring anyone else into his messed up situation because he admits to have been lying and that it wasn't fair to me. I asked him, "how do I know that all of the years we've been together weren't a lie?" He said they weren't, it's just been the past several months (in the beginning of the talk it was a year or so). He said he certainly loved me all those years. I asked him if anything like this has ever happened to him before...the way he's feeling now. He said, "No, this is something brand new."

Told H that even though I've moved on with my life (i.e. working, hanging out w/ friends, new hobbies, etc.), I'm still here for him and will be here when he needs me. Told him I'm not giving up on him...that I accept who he is and love him more than anyone else. Told him that even though he clearly said he doesn't love me anyone, I'd like to go to a counselor, someone who can facilitate our converation b/c I need to understand the dynamics of this relationship and how it got to this point. I told him that I was glad that we're having this talk, but this was such a shock and utter blow to my life that I think a professional would be helpful. I said that maybe it would help him as well. He said that if he went, that wouldn't be the goal. He'd go to help me shed light on things and help what he's saying make sense, for me.

BTW - when I asked about him being with someone else, he answered, "yes and no". He said that he was/is in a relationship of some sort. Then he immediately said, "If you can call it that....I basically got served my walking papers just recently so I'll be back to couch surfing. I asked if he was intimate with this OW and he said no. I told him I was asking for health reasons too and he said I have nothing to worry about there because it didn't get to that point.

I know my H has a problem with alcohol/depression and I know the only person who can help him..is him. However, what do you guys think about our talk? He was willing to consider and it sounds like he will go to a counselor. Do you think there is a chance at helping US too? H hasn't said one word about divorce. I'm willing to be patient as he works thru his "internal demons".

Hi CAZ,

I think it's great that you guys talked. I don't want to rain on your parade but I had to let you know about these things that stood out in your post. There were a couple of others, but these were the major ones:


Could be construed as helping you...."letting you down easily," and alleviating his guilt. Making him feel better about his poor choices. (This is just one of the reasons I didn't want to go to MC with Gray. I knew it wouldn't do any good and that he wanted to go for just those reasons. Then when I found MB I read a lot about MC not doing any good for active waywards.)



I wouldn't count on that. He drinks. Drinking lowers inhibitions. I would bet the farm that they DID "do it," and you should get checked for STD's if you haven't already done so. (Please forgive me if you already have, I can't recall at the moment if you said you did or not.)

I think it all "sounds" good...but what is that saying again? Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see? Something like that. Watch his actions. Don't put a lot of stock in his words, though I know it's hard NOT to, because you want to so badly. (I know. I remember.)

Keep on keepin' on, Milady!!

Charlotte

Thanks Charlotte -


I thought about that. And, it certainly could be the reason. But, that won't stop me from wanting him to go w/me. I still don't understand what's going on. Yeah, we talked, but was it his alcohol problem, depression, etc.?



I know, words are nothing w/out actions behind them. But, I had to ask to see what he'd say.



You are absolutely right. I shouldn't believe anything he says now. I even told him that if he had been lying these past several months, how can I believe the past several years have been any different. He looked @ me and said that this behavior has only been going on for the past several months....he didn't feel this way before. I'm waiting for his words to take action on a lot of things including removing his name from my auto insurance policy, the appraisels on the house, etc. He has done some of what he said. For instance, he's given me two of his PT work paychecks like he said he would, he came to change the plug on my Jeep's oil filter like he said he would, And, he did meet me to talk.....(finally, after 2 months). I keep thinking that if he's tried even the least bit (which he has), there is a much better chance he'll do more.

He loved me so much...more than anything and treated me as such..and we were best friends to boot....for SO long. I can't understand where that love went??? I'm beginning to learn that alcoholics are selfish, self-centered and only have their own interest in mind. I keep thinking that if he wants to get help and feel better about himself and be happy one day,....that we can begin another life together.

Are you making progress with your H and your marriage, if I may ask? How long has it been since the above happened (i.e. he "ditched everything and had an affair")?

CAZ

I don't want to infiltrate her thread, but it's been over four months. He's had NC with OW but until he gets a job here and is home FT, it can only be so good.

Do you want your marriage to work out? Are you hopeful that you guys have a chance?

Ya know,... just when I think I'm doing okay...I'm not. I can't focus on anything, except for my marriage and how I can fix it. EVERYTHING reminds me of us.....I mean EVERYTHING! I honestly wept the other day driving home, which sadly is not unusual. I know my H said he'd definitely consider going w/ me to the counselor, and I'm glad. BUT, I can't understand how he couldn't love me anymore. 15 years is a long time (granted we weren't together in college, we remained good friends) and I can't see how that love could fade away over the course of several months. I want him to get out of this FOG. Seeing + talking with him felt so good on one hand, but on the other was extremely depressing because I was looking at an empty shell of my husband. I DON'T know what to do!!!!! All I know is that I am willing to work at saving our marriage and that is a priority. I'm NOT going to wave good bye to us.

I just need inspiration, encouragement, anything ... to know that someone else went thru this and it worked out...their marriage was saved! Anybody???? I know there are folks out there, I just want someone to tell ME.

If I didn't want my M to work out, I wouldn't still be here. Hopeful? Cautiously...I'm kind of in a Wait and See mode, while still working on it. One day at a time. It has looked well lately but I'm not very trusting at this point.

I'm not so sure he doesn't love you so much as he THINKS he doesn't. With time, your old husband should return. A MC should help him see that.