Hi WOF, thank you for your message. I think I do need a kick!

He came last night for an hour, played with the kids and stayed mostly silent towards me. He read our DD the divorce book and I could hear in his voice that it was breaking him up. He stopped reading a number of times but she kept asking for it. Eventually he read it at the speed of light and then put her to bed and left. I was courteous and kind the whole time.

He looked for the BMW key for the new car. I told him that I didn't know he was coming and had left it at work. Inside I was relieved that there was something of the new car that I had that might make a sale harder. Oh joy!

My Minister called and we chatted about everything and I explained MB, plan A and B and our situation. We prayed and went through some things and he believes I need to focus on myself and control me and pray. He was going to try and call WH soon too.

Whilst I was talking to him I got a couple of missed calls and I got a message from WH "hope the kids are sleeping nicely. Was really nice to see you tonight. Have a good weekend. Call if you need any help and will the kids be at swimming tomorrow? Would love to come"

Followed shortly by "Crap. I nearly forgot. I was on your laptop going to check my email when DS bumped me and spilt a little bit of Pepsi Max on the keys. I started taking a couple of keys off to start drying it with the tea towel, they are in the top drawer. I'm pretty sure its all dry again though. Sorry, forgot to mention it through being upset about that Divorce book that DD had. Hope its ok. Your guys should be able to check it our for you. Mwa"

So, I was feeling really happy and thanking God for the good fortune to go the library yesterday, get the book and then DD wanted him to read it. A great reality check for WH, but...

Then the darkness came.

When I checked my laptop (it was closed) and there was pepsi all over it and through the keys, on the keys etc. I turned it upside down and about 1/4 can tipped out. The two missing keys were in the very back of the drawer where I would never have looked and he hadn't even attempted to clean it up. My take on the story is that whilst I was in the laundry, he opened my computer and saw the MB page I had open and read my posts, emails to mutual friend/his boss, cracked it and tried to destroy my computer. It doesn't turn on, IT dept said it is dead and will need to be completely replaced and now I am using someone else’s computer at work.

I struggled with what to do and calmly called him. He sounded really weird and really fake and said that it would be horrible if something happened to my computer because that is my work and it would be terrible if someone messed with my job etc etc etc. He kept smiling the whole time and eventually the venom spilled out and he said that I was affecting his job by talking to our mutual friend and I promised I would stop and now I could imagine how bad it could be. It went on and on and I stayed cool for most of it, but occasionally I made DJ's and LB's. I actually told him that it was sad because I really loved him and all I wanted to do was fight for my marriage. I repeated that everytime he said something nasty.

He also said he was really glad he had seen me tonight and had a good time because it made him less mad at me. He ended the conversation by saying he could not babysit on Saturday as promised because he was going to be really busy with something else. Sorry about that. And, he would see me in MC to work on our relationship to be amicable for the children.

Yep – totally screwed up and sick. He basically threatened me and my job and told me what to do including who I could/couldn’t talk to. I was in tears and called his brother to clean up. He disagrees with me for involving everyone but does understand his brother’s temper and I hoped he would calm him down. Less than 30 seconds after his brother called him, WH called me to ask me why I called his brother. I told him that he threatened me and could he please just leave me alone. He started laughing and said he never threatened me so I hung up on him and called his brother.

5 seconds later he texted me to say “Call me when you feel like having an intelligent conversation. I do love you.”

20 minutes later his brother called me and said they had had a huge yelling match and he wouldn’t call me or contact me anymore and that I wasn’t doing the right things. I told him about the finances and his brothers changing moods and his brother said to give up on the marriage because it was totally over and I just had to get over it and leave WH alone.

I sent a message to our mutual friend saying I would not be contacting him anymore and that WH needed to know that he could depend on him without my influence and I might call him in 3 weeks after my forum.

So I cried and slept and 1 ½ hours later, he sent another message:

”Its actually really sad that we have come to this stage. U could have fixed it but u persisted in making it worse as u still do. U couldn’t hold your tongue if your life depended on it. I do love u, I really honestly do. You’re my everything and I guess when it all comes down to it you are my best friend. In the back of my mind I guess I thought we could work again, that we could fix this and move on and be a happy family again. I act tough but I really wanted that for all 5 of us” He always wanted us to have 3 children and often talks of us as a family of 5 ”But now you’ve committed the only thing I thought you never would. You mentioned to my brother about the trouble you could cause regarding xxx. I never thought for a second you had it in you. So this is goodbye my beautiful girl. I love you. I always will. ARILY” ARILY has always been our special word for Always Remember I Love You.

WH referenced a thing that happened in our past that could get him in a lot of trouble with the police. We always agreed to never mention it again and I never have.

I worried that it was a suicide message and I tried to call him, no answer, so I sent the message “You are handling a really tough situation in the best way you know how. I did not mention that to your brother. I am sorry that things are so confusing between us.”

It’s now 10:50am and I have heard nothing.

WOF, I know you mentioned plan B and I am sure he will soon discover I have cut off the money supply and that I have written to his father and things are going to get much worse. It’s close to the bottom but nowhere near it.

What do I do? What do I say in my plan B letter? I'm scared of plan B because of my lack of plan A.

I haven’t read SAA. I did pick up a book from the library called After the Affair and I am currently reading Boundaries which is immensley helpful.

I am a willing student. I really want to save my marriage. Thank God I know this is not my real husband.

Should I cancel MC whilst on plan B?

I will not do any more Angel cards. I need all the light I can get. The Forum is okay. It has a good message and a colleague of mine has done it and she really got a lot out of it. It's personal development and setting boundaries which I need bucketloads of.

HI
Havent much time so to the point

Basically it is a battle for control of the situation and he is winning hands down he seems determined be in total control his only consideration at this stage is himself at all costs.

I am concerned about your financial situation and your rights as far as your assets and child maintenance are concerned.He has taken all the assets and left you with all the liabilities that is not only immoral but could be illegal.Find a solicitor.There should be free legal aid somewhere near you check the phonebook and get as many opinions as possible.

Good Luck and best wishes

Just read your last post you have been doing plan A for all of your m up until now where he makes it impossible to follow through.EVEN NOW HIS COMMUNICATIONS RECOGNIZE THE HUGE INPUT FOR THE GOOD YOU HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE M For me I could only say go to plan B but I am not the expert here

I feel like I am in over my head here!

I am going to pray about you tonight, on my way home from work.

the thing is, I think that your problem with your H is far bigger than just the typical M problems. I am really worried about you right now! He is threatening you - I don't care how he wants to try to sugar coat it - but this is an adult man, who is threatening you , and attacking your only source of income.I am fearful of him even coming into your home anymore.

One day he announces that he is done with you, will never speak to you again. then he sends a message about how that divorce book made him sad. Then he claims to have spilt a little bit of pop on the computer - when in fact he has clearly dumped half a can on it, and did not use a towel to try to clean it up.

You need to get together a support group for yourself, and tell them EVERYTHING that is happening. Your Mom, Sister, perhaps your pastor. No more conversations with his family members - no matter how sick your H is, and how poorly he is treating you, his blood relatives will still support him. You need your own support right now. and quit holding back the details, just so your family won't be mad at him. I think you have a serious abuse problem right now, but you are too close to it to see it.

For now, you are not in Plan A or B. If he calls, be polite, but do not get into a conversation with him. If he texts you, do not reply. if he asks why you are being quiet, just tell him that you need some time to yourself to heal.

Can you get into a counselor, by yourself, right away? Not the MC, but your own counselor. Is there a womens help line where you are?

You probably think I am over-reacting, and I hope I am, but I don't think so. I think that things are even worse than you realize, but it has been happening for so long, that you don;t even realize how bad it is.

How much have you shared with your pastor?

Are you keeping a journal? If not, please start one right away. Write it all down, for your own sanity.

I will be praying for you.

You are a valuable Gem. A loving, kind woman. You did not bring this on yourself.

One more thing - I am fearful of what will happen when he realizes that he can not use his credit card any longer. Please protect yourself!

Thanks WOF and Myopia for your quick replies. You are both wonderful and I am so thankful for your help and prayers.

I think the situation is worse than I realise. I am so in love with my H that I block out the bad and focus on the miniscule affection he throws me and it gets me through days and weeks.

You're right, plan A has been my whole marriage. I need a dark plan B but I fear that will antagonise him.

I did mention to him on the phone last night that I don't want him in the house anymore and I don't feel like it's safe because of the damage to our belongings. He was mad and said it was his house and he could come and go as he pleased etc.

I also said we needed to arrange visitation for the children and turning up unannounced was inappropriate. He complained about that too and said he'll take me to court for custody. I told him that will be fine. He abandoned his children and went for days without contacting them and he lives in a backpackers and it didn't look favourable. (DJ) He said that he is moving in with a group of friends...

I feel sick and tired. I don't know how to protect myself about the credit card. I don't know what to do. My parents and sisters are coming for tea so I will talk to them all tonight.

I think this has become my journal!

I went to lunch with two work friends today and sat in the sunshine and had some wine and chatted and relaxed. It was perfect.

As we jumped in the car to head to work I checked my phone and WH had called twice and left two text messages. One to say he had been offered a job and needed my advice. Second to say I obviously didn't care and was trying to punish him and if I didn't call him he was going to move in with his friends permanently and never come home.

Yup.

So, being the dutiful wife I called him and gave excellent career advice. I wondered why he didn't call his best friend for that - LOL

We chatted and I said if he really wanted to chat we could catch up for coffee. He agreed and picked me up. We had a really sweet time and chatted about us. He said that he should have been home by now but I had made it really bad so he couldn't blah blah blah but he did get some things.

Big mistake was when he said that there would be three of us in the marriage and then said, did I say that wrong? He was talking about his friendship with OW. I stayed cool and said that was not how I saw my marriage and so its a stalemate.

He wanted to walk to the ATM to see if his money had gone into his new bank account. We walked over, he withdrew $570 and GAVE IT TO ME AND SAID TO PUT IT TOWARDS THE FAMILY FOR HIS EXPENSES. You can imagine my breathing as I told him that he needed to hang onto it because I had cancelled his credit card and he needed the money. Yikes. We calmly headed back to the car and he did not talk to me.

I handed the money back to him as he dropped me back to work and he drove off. He called about 5 minutes later to say how nasty it was of me to mention that people who work on marriages go home and do not leave and how could I cancel the credit card.

He was getting a little mad...

I calmly mentioned that I was only following his instructions based on his email from Tuesday and acted in the best interests of the family. I am not sure when he hung up on me, but I called him back later and left him a voicemail calmly explaining why.

Needless to say when he called me later he was really unhappy with my explanation and said that because I cut him off he would cut me off and not give me any of his earnings and I could suffer the consequences etc.

Was I hurt or surprised by his reaction, no. I had actually expected it and thankfully prepared for it. He could hear the noise and asked if I had my family around and if they knew what I had done to him. I said yes and that they understood that I was acting in the best interests for the children and the house so that I would be protected because he told me to make my own way in the world.

He told me he just wants his wife back. He wants the girl from the coffee shop today and the woman that he made love to last week and the woman that he fell in love with, not this cold hearted b... who treats him so badly and is so unpredictable.

Like I said, all expected remarks.

He said that maybe his beautiful wife could call or text him later.

Ah, nope. It's too dark here now.

Sitting here quietly right now. He is at the band rehearsal with the OW till at least 11pm and who knows what they will get up to after that. Maybe he'll miss me?

I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow is kids swimming and I am out with my friend tomorrow night and mum and dad will have the kids for a sleepover.

It just gets weirder all the time. I'm actually relieved he knows about the money now. I didn't have to wait for THAT phone call. Now it's just the letter to his dad which he'll find out about on Monday. Oh joy.

He called last night about midnight to say that he wanted to give me $300 today to go towards the family and that he would give me all of the gig money and listed all of the shows he has booked until Christmas.

He said that he wants to do his part and that he wants me to do my part too. I don't know what that is yet but we'll see.

He is coming to swimming today and the kids will love that.

I love him so much. I really hope the divorce book that he read DD was the start of him changing. I know it affected him and I know that the apartment shopping and getting the credit card cut off has been a shock. It must suck when your actions have consequences instead of being given a soft place to land as I always do.

If you haven't read Boundaries - you should. It's fantastic.

So, we're off to enjoy Saturday and the weather is beautiful.

Well done!!!


Again, very well done!!!!


Just a thought - at some point, you should say to him, "H, I am afraid I can not sit here, and lsten to you beat me down any longer. I have made mistakes in our M, and will admit to that. I am willing to work on improving our M. But YOU have chosen to move out, on your own. And YOU have chosen to stay out. I will nto allow you to blame me for YOUR choices any longer. If you want to work on our M, then lets work on it. But I will nto lsiten to you beat me down any longer.

You need to take back your power.


Very well done.

I am not sure what the letter to his Dad is about - you probably sent that a while back. But here again, I would suggest that from this day forward, you should not deliberatley contact any of his friends or family members. I just don't think it has been healthy for you.

Please be very careful. Keep yourself surrounded by family and friends. I am still very worried about you. This man is clearly very sick right now.

Thanks WOF. I feel happy that I have done something right!!!

The letter to his dad was this week after WH announced the divorce. I sent a letter asking him to ring his grandchildren as he hasn't made contact with them in 4 months and never answers his phone. In the letter I summarised the letter that I sent to WH explaining my blame in the marriage breakdown and my willingness to work on the marriage if BF was out of the picutre.

I also mentioned that WH had insisted on divorce and no contact but if he wanted to committ to the marriage and stop relationship with BF that I would do everything possible to save our marriage because I love him.

I know it will anger him but his dad is the only one I did not expose to and I worry that his dad has been his safe place to fall because he doesn't know the truth. He has the truth now and what he does with it is up to him. I do not expect his support and I have not contacted anyone else from his friends of family since I called his brother.

I feel stronger and more able to set my boundaries and I have a lot more of the book to read.

If he wants to work on the marriage, I am here and more than willing, but I do not want to be kicked around by his indecision any longer.

"H, I am afraid I can not sit here, and lsten to you beat me down any longer. I have made mistakes in our M, and will admit to that. I am willing to work on improving our M. But YOU have chosen to move out, on your own. And YOU have chosen to stay out. I will nto allow you to blame me for YOUR choices any longer. If you want to work on our M, then lets work on it. But I will nto lsiten to you beat me down any longer."

That's golden WOF and I will read it again and wait for my opportunity to say it. I think it is just what I need. Thank you.

WOF - hopefully you'll be proud of me...

He came down to swimming to see the kids but he missed it as his car was blocked in at the backpackers. He sent me a photo of the car 3 back against the fence and called twice before swimming to explain.

I showered everyone and dressed our son first and walked him out to WH with some sausages for lunch for him. Lunch was arranged before I knew he couldn't make it. So, I paraded out in my bathers with the awesome tan and pert figure and passed DS over.

Back in, dressed DD and out for one last parade around in my bathers before running back to work on me.

One of the regulars asked me if I had had lyposuction over the 2 week break and that I looked fabulous. LOL. Glad I didn't have to tell her the real reason! The infidelity diet is great. WH later mentioned that he has put on about 40 pounds.

So, I put my little black dress on and quickly did some summer make up and left my hair damp and out. I looked really hot, not like someone's mother at all and not like I had been in the pool for 30 minutes.

He said nothing, but he looked!

Up to the cars and he gave me the key to the convertible and said he would drive the kids down to McDonalds cafe for a coffee. He loves seeing women in hot cars and tailed me the whole way down as I completely worked it.

We stopped for fuel and put fuel in each car. Now, I slipped up and paid for his as well. It was only $40 but it was the old me.

Anyway, we got some drinks and the kids played and it was all sweet and lovely. I returned a call to the friend I'm catching up with tonight and turned on the charm. He said, who was that. I told him and he asked if I wanted the car tonight. I said it would be great, we'll see. There's no baby seats in it!

He asked how money was and I said that I would be fine and just do my best to cover things. I said I felt relieved that he was going to contribute as that would take the pressure off.

THEN he passed over $300. Told me it was to cover some costs and he had JUST ENOUGH to cover accommodation and food. I said great and thank you. THEN he said that he needed me to put him back on the joint account because if he needed extra cash he would need to get it from our account because he is giving me all the money and needed access for emergencies.

I looked at him, stayed sweet and calm, and told him that I would love to put him back on the account but the only way that will ever happen is when he moves back home as my husband and I gave him his $300 back. I figure that I can do without it and the strings it came with!

SILENCE

I said that I may have caused a lot of problems that made him leave but it was his decision to stay out of the house and if he doesn't have enough money to cover his accommodation whilst we are separated then maybe he should consider his options.

He kissed the kids, told them he loved them and left calmly. But I could see the steam coming out of his ears!!!!!!

About 15 mintues later, true to form, I got a text message:

"I've tried and tried but no matter what I do or say there is no getting through to you or understanding you anymore. I'm stupid cause I always think you would see reason and be you. Seriously maybe we should look at selling the house. I just can't fight anymore and I'm through trying to hurt you."

I haven't replied. I guess he was hoping I would just roll over as per usual and let him have his way, again, and be me! I am sorry that my new boundaries to protect myself and my family are hurting his carefree and irresponsible lifestyle and I hope that by clarifying my boundaries, his actions will cause HIM problems, not me.

So, how'd I go?

WELL DONE ! BRAVO !! BRAVISSIMO !!!

You are a fast learner---- a page straight from the plan A manual.
Cool calm and collected .

His plan B did'nt last long.His plan A was even shorter. He is, however, still trying to intimidate you ,this time by threatening to sell the house-- probably not an option for him. I think I remember you saying the house is in your name but just as well to check out that eventuality

So if he is short of cash maybe ow can help out.

Best Wishes and keep up the good work

I've messed up plan A!

He is definitely feeling the heat and weight of his decisions.

I dropped the kids off at my parents for their sleepover and came home, got dressed and headed into the city for dinner with my female friend whom I've known for 10 years.

He texted me on before I left the house to ask if my mum had anything to do with taking him off the bank account. I wrote back no - the truth.

He called me when I was on my way in to the city and asked for the BMW key. I said that it was at work and I could not get it to him. He ramped up and huffed and puffed and I stayed cool. I told him I didn't want to talk about it as I was on my way out to dinner and we could talk about it later. He asked where I was going and I said I thought he didn't need to know. He said he wanted to drop in and say hi to my friend. I again told him it was inappropriate. He told me he was going to call my dad to tell him how unreasonable I was being and I told him to go for it. Sometime soon after he called me a mass of nasty words including one which also means very available and easy - if you get my drift.

I said I wished him a good night and I'm sure we'd speak later and hung up.

My friend and I spent 4 hours eating, drinking and having a wonderful time.

I left the city at 11pm and came straight home. I jumped into bed and had a foreboding that WH was going to contact me, but I truly thought he would come over...

I woke up but didn't know why, moments later at 12:45am my phone rang and it was from a private number so I hit silence and ignored it.

I heard footsteps outside my window and froze. I jumped up and looked out the window but saw nothing. Then...my bedroom door opened. I was standing on the other side of the room and I could make out a silhouette of my WH looking over at my bed. I absolutely stopped breathing. He closed the door and slowly walked back to the garage. I followed him out and asked him what he was doing as he walked faster across the neighbours lawn.

He said he was picking up some of his things but his hands were empty. I raced inside and shut the roller door of the garage. Moments later he drove into the driveway and opened the garage and tried to get back inside. I opened the door and said that it was inappropriate to be at my house unannounced. He said that he thought I was out anyway and that I had been picked up (my car was in the garage).

Anyway, he said he was hungry and needed some things. I said ok so he came inside and I followed him to the kitchen as he grabbed a bag and started to fill it with Pepsi-max. I said he couldn't do that as I had paid for them and he needed to buy his own. He threw the bag back and said that I obviously wanted him to starve now that I had cut off his money. I told him he had $300 today so I did not understand why he didn’t have money and I was not his mother and not feeding him.

He stormed back to his car. I was scared, angry, p-eed off, ANGRY and marched down the driveway to his convertible, roof off. He appeared to be texting on his mobile and I went into LB and DJ meltdown. He turned the phone away from me so I leaned over and grabbed the phone and asked if he was texting BF and if he was off to meet up with her. We both fought over the phone as I asked him why I couldn't see the phone that I paid for etc.

He fought back and told me I was crazy etc and that I had almost broken his hands and had broken his phone. I can't remember all the details but I was pretty wound up and scared.

Anyway. I said I had hoped he we could go and get something to eat or a coffee - he said no F'n way and I walked back up the driveway and told him to have a good night with BF.

He got out of the car, walked up to me and slapped me across the face and said he had waited 2 months to do that to me and it felt great. I ran inside, locked up and he took off. I called him and asked him why he came over and what he was trying to do and he said that he saw me at swimming with an open mind and wanted to come home but I had ruined everything and now he was moving in with someone and everything was over etc.

I can’t remember what else was said. I did say that I didn’t know him anymore and that I was sorry that he felt so threatened by someone who loved him and wanted to work on our marriage. He hung up and switched his phone off.

I was terrified. I didn’t want to leave the house and I didn’t want to stay. I set the house alarm and barricaded my bedroom door and laid awake until 4am. It was then that I managed to get an answer on his mobile phone and I could tell he was back at the backpackers and I relaxed enough to sleep.

I got up at 7am and went to my parents house before taking the kids to church. I told them what happened (not the slap). Dad said WH had called and among other things, asked for the car key and told him that I had made it impossible for him to come back to me and it was over between us. Mum drove us to church and I wrote WH a message saying I had spoken to my dad and I had the car key for him and wanted to see him after church to give it to him. It’s 8:30pm now and I have not heard from him at all.

I decided whilst laying awake early this morning that he was trying to catch me out with another man. That’s why he insisted on coming to dinner and why he parked up the road and let himself into my bedroom in the dark. It makes perfect sense that he needed something to hate about me and was hoping to catch me messing up. Well, perfect sense for a WH anyway.

With that in mind, I hope I sleep well tonight with no more surprises.

I forgot to mention that we had dinner at my sister's house tonight. Her hubby was dressed for work and my DD asked where he was going. He said he was going to work and my beautiful sweet innocent daughter said her daddy was at work too.

Ouch!

My daugther who is 3 1/2 and toilet trained since 2 years has been doing poos at night in her nappy and cries and grinds her teeth in her sleep. She has become really clingy with me and other male relatives and has regressed somewhat with eating - wants me to feed her and with other tasks such as dressing herself.

I'm really worried about her. She told me on Friday after childcare that she spoke to daddy on the phone. I said that was great and asked her if he had called her at school. She told me a bit of what he said and then confessed that she was just pretending. It is breaking my heart.

I texted WH last night at 10pm and asked if we could talk about DD.

He didn't reply so I texted him him the summary of what she was going through. He called me at 12.45am and started saying that it was all my fault and I needed to take the blame for what I was doing to her. I remained totally calm and said that I was worried about DD and wanted to talk about that.

He asked me what I wanted to do. I said the best option would be for us to work togther and for him to come home and if not, he would need to start seeing the kids and calling more often.

He ranted and raved about how I was using the kids to get him back and if I just took responsibility for my actions things would be different.

He said kids are fine after divorce and really well adjusted. I spoke about some of the posts I had seen on this site that said some people have never gotten over the abandonment from their parents at a young age. He got really mad and said he never abandoned his kids and said a bit more and hung up.

He sent me a message saying I used a nice choice of words about abandoning his kids and that I was messed up and an abuser and have absolutely no marriage skills whatsoever.

To which I replied that I was re-telling a story and that I didn't say he did anything. I said that I was working on my marriage skills and thank you for his critique.

At 6:30am he called me to ask me to open the door for him. He had come around to spend time with the kids.

DD was in our room watching tv so he laid on his side of the bed and played with her toys. I showered and paraded around the room just enough as I got ready for work. He dressed DD and DS and put the kids in the car for me.

He had brought me a tv guide for the week and I gave him a new tin of hairspray and the BMW key. He said thanks and then we all left together.

That was 4 hours ago and I haven't heard from him. It's weird. It was a perfect plan A on my part so I just hav to wait again. I couldn't help but notice how nice it was to see him laying on his pillow with his eyes closed and rememberd the good old days.

I still hope I can turn this around. I don't want to divorce him. I want to grow old with my H and nuke the WH for good.

We spoke a few times on the phone today.

We had a good chat mid morning but it turned sour before long. He quickly got back to blaming me for everything so I did a bit of reverse babble and when he asked what I was doing I explained that I had already taken responsbility for my mistakes in our marraige and now I was working on myself and would not listen to the negativity of the past.

I told him there was no point continuing MC as he had already made up his mind to end the marriage. He said he will do it for the kids so that we can be friends. I had an opportunity to say that life after D would not be rosey and we would not be friends. He truly believed that he could D me and it would be ok for the kids.

Now he knows that I cannot and will not be his friend after D because I love him and will not just want to hang out when it suits him to be a Daddy and when he feels like catching up with me. I think he was quite shocked.

I told him to contact the MC to explain.

He sent a message saying "I'll be there for the kids but I can't work with you on them if you're not willing to be friends. With everything else you are on your own. Furthermore you call MC if you want to cancel. I'm still open to it so perhaps you should tell him about your ideas on not being friends and amicable."

He called to apologise for saying that it was now my fault that he was with someone else. Apparently it was said to hurt me and he is not with anyone else.

WH met with our mutual friend and he tried to talk WH down from blaming me for everything. Sounds like it might have worked and he started to get that whilst he is making me wrong for everything there is no chance to move forward into the future and create something new.

He called tonight and said he spent 15 minutes on the phone with his mum and she was very negative and told him she was ashamed that he was her son and how could he do this to me and the kids and that he had made his decision and everything was over. He told me that he said to her that she should be positive and perhaps there is a chance to work everything out and she shouldn't always dwell on the past.



Maybe the rocks are piling up like Mark's analogy.

It must have been like a big mirror

Tonight I am feeling a little positive and hopeful but I am starting not to like Tuesday's as we have MC tomorrow.

I called him twice tonight to follow up on shared stuff and he sounds very down and mixed up. When I asked him which night he was coming to see the kids, he said that he really couldn't talk about it right now. Not sure if he's been speaking to the BF but I don't think all is colourful in Pleasantville.

Be the lighthouse!

very well done


This is good. He should not be calling you at 12:45am. That is incredibly disrespectful of your time. He does not get to come and go as he pleases.


This is ok......although I am really starting to think you need to change the locks.


Ok, at this point you really needed to stay calm. Keep your cool. You tell him that he is welcome to get his things anytime he wants, but he must call ahead to make sure you are there. He should not be showing up in the middle of the night, whether he thinks you are home or not. It is very scary for a woman who lives alone to have a man show up in the middle of the night! and he needs to be aware of that. His behavior was totally inapproriate and he needs to understand that. Plan A and B do not apply in that case - his behavior was scary and needs to stop.


NO no no.
He does not get his things in the middle of the night. You tell him that he is more than welcome to get his things during the day time, but not in the middle of the night. in fact, if he would like to ring you in the morning and tell you what he needs, then you would be happy to have his stuff ready for him to pick up. you all ready know that he had $300 with him - so he was NOT going to starve.

NEVER again. Ever.
First of all - you were in serious danger. It was the middle of the night. He was clearly angry, and you decide to follow him. Not good.
AND - when you get into a fight with him, you are in serious danger of losing your kids. You got into a struggle with him, you fought for his phone. If you had scratched him accidentally - he could go to the police to report that you were abusing him, show them the scratch, and the broken mobile phone, and you lose your kids. This is very serious business.

When he went out to his car, you should have locked the doors, set the alarm, maybe even called your Mom. But don't ever follow him in a situation like that. I am not talking about an LB. I am talking about safety for you, your children, and your future as their mom.


When something like this happens, you do NOT call him. You let him settle down, and you let him make the first call. You do not make the first move. I know it is hard. You are afraid he will never call. and at the same time, afraid that he will show up and scare you. But do not call him. He won that whole arguement, as soon as you called to make sure he was all right. If you were scared to sleep - then get the heck out of the house and go to your moms.

Tell them. Quit hiding the truth. This man slapped you and said it felt good. That is wrong, and you know it. You are scared of him, and you should be. Quit hiding the truth from your parents.


Quit trying to see him. Quit making up excuses for him to meet with you face to face.
first, I would suggest that you just ignore the key issue.And then, If the key was really a big deal to him, you could simply say "my dad has the key, and you are welcome to go over there and get it".

Something to consider:

I get the impression that you are hoping that you can have 1 great Plan A day: he sees you in your bathers, you look hot, you drive the expensive car, and that should be it. he comes back, a new man.
this whole process will take months. Not just a day. Months. this man is really, really sick. He is blaming you for eveyrthing. And you are still taking the blame. He is not even close to being ready for recovery.

One question I have - why do all of your conversations happen at 10pm or later? It doesn't seem like a very good time of day.

First of all, I do not think that this man is in any position to be helpful to the kids. He is totally focused on himself and will say anything to get what he wants. Do not let him be alone with DD. I can imagine he will say things to her like "I wish I could come home, but Mommy won't let me. She is being too mean to me right now. But I am going to get a new house, with lots of toys for you, and then we can be together more" Believe me. this will happen


Im sorry, but I still believe that he is planning to move in with a woman - most likely that BF. You saw the brochures in his car. He is looking for a rental. And we both know he can not afford it on his own.


You need to come up with a plan for visitation. For your benefit, and the kids. Arrange a time to meet with him, and tell him that the two of you need to come up with a plan you can both agree on. Something like: Monday and Wednesday nights for 2 hours.
Try to keep talk about the kids seperate from talk about your M. Do not say "the best thing for the kids, is for you to come home". We all know that is true, but he just thinks you are trying to "trap him" into coming home. If you are going to talk about the kids, then keep the conversation about the kids.
something like:
"DD needs to see you. Can we agree to a schedule, so I can let her know what days and times she will be able to see you?" and then if he tries to blame you "its all your fault I am not at home" simply tell him that you would like to talk about the kids first, and then if he would like to talk about the M, you can do that later.

For now, don't try to be the light house so much. Instead, focus on being the hero that your kids need. Focus on being the mature adult of this relationship.

Thank you WOF. I needed to hear all of that and probably more. My fear of losing him makes me justify really stupid things and I am not being rational and sensible and in control.

I have been reading the threads of toomuchtoosoon and the more I read the more I understand, but the concept of let go and let God it is all so foreign to me in the heat of the moment.

He sent me a picture of a bunk bed last night and said "This is my view every night. Please send me a picture of a nicer room to cheer me"

So, I turned on the lamps in the bedroom and sent him a picture of that.

He then sent a couple of messages asking for advice about his work. I replied honestly and politely and kept it simple and light.

We have the MC today. I am thinking for the communication stage that I do not harp on about the things that I don't like but try and focus on things that were great about the past and things that I look forward to in the future and the changes that I have made about myself that I really like.

- I love catching up with old friends and family and taking time out to enjoy being me; not just as a wife, employee and mum.

- I love taking an interest in me and reading books and learning about myself

- I am glad that I have an opportunity to work through my anger and stress issues and become better equipped to deal with issues myself and not expect others to help me

- I am taking care of my body and I am starting to feel happy from the inside out again about me

- I am learning to be a really good mum and devote the time when I am with the kids TO the kids and not getting distracted, although I need more practice!

I want to do this right so if anyone has any advice, please let me know.

He works nights with the band and believes he is a night owl and sleeps during the day. I have always maintained that if he had to be up for work at 8am then that would soon sort him out. He is a man with no enforced responsibilities and lives the holiday dream.

In relation to our fight on Saturday night and I said I called him at 4am. I don't know if it makes it better or worse, but I called from a private number and did not say anything. He is used to getting prank calls as he lists his number on the internet for car sales so I just rang and listened to see where he was. I definately did not call and ask him how he was or let him know that he had scared me and that his manipulation and control tactics were justified.

This is great advice. I have been mixing the two and I think this will really help focus him on the kids and make it easier for me with the kids too.

Update

We had MC on Tuesday and arrived at the same time. I gave him my pen so he could finish the homework but he had actually put in some effort. It was a list of positive needs/wants for a marriage.

WH swore at me when MC left the room and I told the MC when he got back. The MC told us both at one stage that we had to stop acting like children and marriage was for adults.

We both want almost the same things - trust, honest, spare time together etc

He did want separate time with friends which I negotiated to read separate agreed time with friends openly and honestly.

After the MC we had a coffee to talk about the kids. I used WOF's line and said no to discussions about M.

We agreed on a schedule.

He was grumpy but I kept up the happiness. He also said he was going to give me all of his earnings and just keep a little for his accommodation and expenses and that he was not going to move out with anyone because he didn't want to let anyone down if he decided to come home.

I just let it go and didn't even go there.

He came round to have tea with the kids last night and there was a lot of tension. I snooped in his car boot and he has bought a present for the BF - a board game of the tv series that she loves. I didn't say a word.

He told me that he is now working for her new band and will have 3 more shows with her a week. I stayed pretty cool but pushed and I said of course I wasn't thrilled about it but they're friends and it's work.

My phone rang at 9:45pm. I had a 2 minute chat with a girlfriend and he got upset, packed up and got ready to leave. I told him he could ask me about it if he wanted to know and I had nothing to hide, but nope.

Anyway, he walked out to the car shortly after and drove off.

We chatted after that because he didn't say goodbye.

I told him that I was happy and my life is getting better and I know that whatever happens I will be fine and that I will be amazing with the changes I plan to make. I said that trust is earned and I hoped he could trust me again one day. That he is a truly unque and wonderful guy and I will always treasure our history together and the way he made me laugh and smile. I thanked him for his love.

I got a few messages from him but I did not respond.

He has no idea what I meant so whatever

Maybe BS is happy cause my Mr mystery caller came through for BS

BS has a responsibility to not make BS children's father feel uncomfortable. There is no point in him visiting anymore. BS knows what BS did and what BS is doing now and its stupid. Don't play games with WH. You and mutual friend think you can manipulate WH and I know you are both still talking. WH knows this now so BS can f-off. You are an idiot because WH was going to make love to you tonight and BS was too busy playing games and being a jealous B-tch. Still.

Play your games and ignore me. See where it places you in the hours days and weeks to come.

I've kept my cool and not reacted to any of HIS games.

He thinks when I stay mellow and don't react I am playing games and he hates it. He wants me to bite and fight and stamp my feet.

Is this positive? Is the fact he is getting mad and jealous good?