Again, I am trying. I have my doubt about anything and everything, but I am working on myself.

Joined gym in new town today, what a racket they got. Its expensive, which is good cause I am out of work in three weeks, and its the only one in town. Its a glorified hotel workout room.

I should be excited with a new house, new town I love, but I just cant get excited about anything. The most excitement I get is when someone responds to a post of mine.

Im tempted to start with you all to make my night more interesting, I mean I may have been desperate and crazy, but at least I was not bored that first night on MB... I bet I can still get y'all going.

And the answer to every question on MB is.... 42

Dammit, thats not fair. You are going to make me watch HHGTTG

You want some excitement? Just start talking about Texas. You would not BELIEVE how many MB'ers are from Texas.

The Difference Between Yankee Zoo & Texas Zoo

What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?

On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.

Whereas, a Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.....!

LOL, SW - and it is fairly close to the TRUTH - they eat everything down in Texas!!!!!!

Happy sunday all....

I decided to root for 2 football teams today.

My Jets and whomever the cowboys are playing.

Things well here, I think Im out of my funk I was in for a few days, I am getting out again, hanging with friends and not wishing I was home alone.

I still have so many doubts about everything. I know I am improving myself, I know I need to do these things for me regardless of anything else, but did I destroy and chance for friendhsip with my wife who does not even want to have anything to do with me?

I mean, we could have remained friends at least through all this but that does not even seem a possibility now.

I read enough here that I think these feelings are normal, along with many others I have, but sometimes its just hard not to feel totally lost one second where you think you have made the biggest mistake of your life, and a few moments later totally sure of what you are doing.

Parents visit was good, they loved the town I live in, that want t move here themselves. They met a few friends of mine they had not met before including a gentlemen nicknamed the animal and his ex wife / current girlfriend. Im glad they came up, I think they feel better too as the last few times they say me i was a mess in every sense of the word. I think they fed me enough to make up for the week I did not eat.

Still reading, still praying, still as confused as Tony Romo is during a playoff game.


Silverwind.

Well, I called Zora today. Just to say hello, see how she was doing and how the dogs were doing.

It was great to talk to her. She asked some questions about my A and I answered honestly. I tried to not talk about any of that, and just talk about nothing, about things, about life but not us.

Other than the few times it came up, either my A or her A, it was very plesant. We laughed a few times. I appologized many times, and I think she will call me back later when her parents are not around.

She told me she has a date to go out with friends and fill out the D paperwork. This made me sad as its so close, barely over a week away. She is so busy with the rowing and end of rowing season with the big race she just has not had time. As soon as she has time, she is going to do it.

I can't say I blame her. I had so many chances to recover this and just was such a coward I never did.

I would like to find a way to stay friendly with her through everything as I can't i magine not talking to her. Ive talked to her every day at least once for the past 13 years not counting the past 2 weeks. Today was so nice just to chat for a bit.

Has anyone ever been in a situation where they remained friends at the end of everything, regardless of how the cards ended up falling?

I know I have to keep working on me regardless of anything but it would be nice to hear if people have done it.
Silver

What? I don't understand?

IMO, you can't remain "FRIENDS" and have other RELATIONSHIPS.

Did you ask her for ANOTHER CHANCE again since she hasn't finished the paperwork?

I did not ask for another chance. I was asking for if you can end up friends after the D. I told her I miss her and things like that, but did NOT ask for another chance. I know I cannot do that, if she decides to give it another try, it will be because of ACTIONS on my part in addition to her thinking its worth it.

I mean she has a date, not a DATE, a date on the calendar in mind to head out with friends to a bar to fill out the D paperwork....

I have NC with my OW and I believe she has stopped dating her OM. I know she still is on contact, but they have stopped anything else for now.

Does that clear it up?

I don't see any problem with ASKING her for another chance in conjunction with your ACTIONS.

In a way he did ask, when he first arrived at the forum and was begging and out of control.

SW, IMO you are in a position to ask now without sounding desperate.

Even if she would be willing to agree to a short delay, and a re-evaluation at the end of that time, to see if she would be willing to put it off a bit further.

If you do wind up D'd, it's not the death of hope. Till she is in NC herself, there is no way to guess how this will turn out.

Honestly, i dont think I am ready yet. I have not improved myself enough yet to deserve anything. At this point I jsut hope she will start talking to me, just to shoot the sh*t. I just miss talking about nothing. She does not know all I am doing, I told her today I quit my job. She called me an idiot.

I know I am making progress, but I dont think I am in a position to ask for anything yet. I am hoping for her to start letting me see her, walk on the beach with the dogs, meet hr to pick up the dogs here and there so I can see them, maybe catch a game at some point while having dinner somewhere. Maybe ven let me see her race next weekend in the big crew race.

She was going to give the dogs to her parents next weekend while she has all her activities, I am hoping I can meet her to take them for the weekend. I left that up to her.

Other than that, I think it would be pushing it.

Oh.

I weep.

I weep.

My heart is torn asunder and I weep.

Bullhockey.

We make sure it's not still breathing first.

We're not you know!

Well, Im not sure what to say. I came here for help with my marriage and I found help for myself. I believe I know what I must do for myself.

I sent the following letter to my wife. I dont want to be any further pain to her. I am not sure you will agree with this, but I think its what I have to do. I need to let go now. I wish things were different, i wish we were fighting together to make a life and a family, but its just not presently possible. I lost her. I can see it in her eyes, I can see it in her heart.

Believe me when I say its not what I want, but I think I have to for once fight by her side instead of on the opposite side. I will fight for a divorce with her and make it as easy, painless, and peaceful as possible. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, I dont look forward to it. But I know it takes two people to fight on the same side and we dont have that. But I can fight to do whats right for her now and that is what I will do.

---------
My dearest xxxxx,

Words can never express my sorrow over my actions over the past year or so. I hope you can one day forgive me for my actions, I have already forgiven you. xxxxx was not a friend to either of us, of that I am certain even if you cannot see it now. I love you with all my heart however I need to take time to heal myself from the past 13 years.

There was much abuse both ways. You have found yourself a good place with what seems are good people for the most part. I am sorry I was not one of them assisting you on your growth. Please express my gratitude to them for helping you through what was probably the most trying time of your entire life.

For 13 years we have fought against each other from everything to colors of walls, to how we dress, to who was 5 min late.
It was not a healthy relationship. There we many lies by both of us. We never knew how to create a healthy relationship. We hurt each other so much and so slowly. I never doubted our love for each other, that was always there, even in the worst of times and I believe it still is. But we did not know how to treat each other. If we made it 13 years before the end that speaks volumes about the love that must have been there.

I love you with all my heart, I want us to heal these deep wounds and both grow. Our paths that have been so entwined for 13 years are now moving in different directions. This deeply saddens me but I have only to look in the mirror to see who put the final nail in the coffin. It took us both to get to the point we are at, but all it would have taken was me standing up and being a man a few short weeks before I did. That is regret I will learn to live with as I will learn from it. I am glad you are in a better place; I don’t want to see you unhappy. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

You have been very cruel to me lately, and I understand it, but I won’t let you abuse me. It’s not healthy. I have stood up like a man and admitted my mistakes to everyone I hurt. I am repentant, I deserve to feel bad, but I don’t deserve to be treated like your personal punching bag. Believe me when I say nothing you can say can make me feel worse than I already make myself feel. Not blinding self pity as a few weeks ago, but I feel the pain of my actions every day and am trying to gain strength from them. I wear my wedding ring as a symbol now, not of us, but of what I am fighting to become. It’s a reminder of all I have lost and the need for me to change.

I was on the beach with the dogs a short while ago, and I realized I do have good in my life. Watching those two dumb mutts run and play makes me so happy. I wish you were walking beside me so I could hold your hand, but that is not the way things are. But I will find happiness again, I have good friends, there is no better family, and I have my dogs. That’s a lot to run with. We can work something out to make it convenient for us both to have time with the dogs. There is no reason we can not maintain a relationship based upon their well being.Every drop and pick up does not need to be a fight.

I want to do right by you, help heal this as best we can, and I want you to be happy above all else. I wish I was the man who could make you happy but I am not at this time, and never was because I did not know the right way to treat you. I know I can be in time, and I will never lose hope that our paths find each other down the road. I will always be here for you should you need anything.



I am tired of fighting against you. It’s what got us here. I am going to fight with you. I know in your heart you want a divorce. I can see it in your eyes. I wish you would fight in the other direction, but I am going to fight with you. I will fill out any paperwork required, we can do it together, or you can just have me read and sign. Whatever is best for you. I have lots of personal growth to undergo and to expect you to hang around and hope against all odds I can become the man of your dreams, the man you deserve, is not fair. I asked you to call Steve and I hope you do, but not for me. If you do call, do it for yourself. I believe after my session with him he can help heal and not carry this extreme baggage into our futures.


Love,



Your Husband and friend,

xxxxx

PS – I wish you all the luck in the Head of the Chuck on Saturday, kick xxxxx [censored]!

-----------

I want to thank you all for helping me, I am not sure you will agree with this letter, but I feel it is time to stop hurting her and let her be happy. I will probably not post here much, maybe just now and again or if I need guidance but I am already getting good help from my pastor as well as Dr. Harley. I can't afford too many of those sessions until I get another job but I dont plan on stoping them. I have money for a few and I pray work is not far away.

Thank you all, expecially one of you and you know who you are.



Silver

You know Silver, I wasnt going to respond to your thread. It was very similar to my situation. Can I ask you something? If you dont want to hurt her anymore why did you put these lines in your letter




Are you trying to apologize to her? You cant do that if you say your sorry, but its all your fault to. It is exactly what my WH still insists on doing. It sucks. She fought for you for a long time, and you are giving her how many days? You give up now? You dont know what it feels like to be cheated on like that. Yes she was involved but it was after she gave up on you and decided to divorce you. You cheated on here while you were still together. And how long did you lie to her about it only being a friend? Then a few weeks ago you told her that it was actually physical? Did you expect that to make her run into your arms?

Work on yourself and dont worry about her. If you leave her alone she cant use you like a punching bag. When you both heal, then decide what you both want. Do not apologize for the things you did, but then point out what you consider equal abuse she did to you.

I thank you for your reply. She will be the first to admit we both screwed up big, and I dont mean with affairs. We never treated each other right. I am deeply sorry for my actions, but I have to stand up for myself too. She has been very cruel the past few days and I have responded with kindness. I dont deserve the things she has been saying to me the past couple of days. I can take my shots and I deserve alot of them, but some were just to hurt me.

I am working on myself, and letting her go is part of that. She is happy now, without me, and I need to accept that so I can move on.


I can appologize for the things I did, and talk about the relationship as a whole because thats what I have to do. I cannot accept all the blame for what happened for 13 years because it really was 50 / 50. When I had my affair I though the marriage was over too, I told her as much. She did not want it at that time, it took me leaving to get her to want it again. That is not an excuse, I make NO exuses for my actions as they were 100 percent wrong. It takes two people to end a marriage, we only had one at any given time.

I appreciate your post, but I disagree. I accept my responsibilities for everything that happened, I have tried to show with actions how sorry I am. I don't think she will take my email as anything other that what I meant it to be. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I stated things badly, but my intent was not to be hurtful in any way.

And I never said I am giving up. I am simply deciding to fight for the first time in the same direction as she is going, for her. I am NOT giving up. I need to work on myself and hope our paths cross again in the future because I know in my heart she wants the D. I am trying to do what is best for her, and me.

But I have not given up.

I've a new quote in my signature line. I think it's an apt analogy for you, too.

Think on it.


THAT is what HERE is for.

That sometimes marriages are saved is icing, imo.

Become a better person. Grow. Be good. PRACTICE goodness.


No. But YOUR kindness in accepting her digs FOR AWHILE might (MIGHT) help her a little bit. There comes a time (at least for me) that it is TIME to stop digging and begin true healing. I hope she gets there soon because it sure is a lot less tense on this side of the fence.

Remember to PRACTICE goodness. There will come a time when you no longer need to think about practicing and it will just come to you naturally.

You want me to run into a chamber filled with radiation? Ah.. but first I have to give my katra to someone... hmmm... Maybe my dog Chewy....

Im not sure anyone would steal a skateboard, let alone a ship, to get me back though.....