We are an international couple and have twin boys of 16months.

My husband and I started drifting apart before the kids were born. He was married for 8 years and his ex is 4 years older than him, a half blind Korean person (genetic reasons).When we first got to know each other, his reason of divorce was the difference in their interest: his ex had no outdoor interest, did not want a kid and had no interest in sex (she would offer as she believes he needs it). The story took a turn eventually. The kick for him to have a divorce was another woman in the company who was on separation and had much more lively personality. He realized what he was missing in his life. Meanwhile the woman's husband went to HR to complain it made him impossible to work at the same company. YOu could imagine the riot.Eventually this woman quit.

I knew when they were planning for the divorce, they found out his wife was pregnant. Eventually she gave up the pregnancy, forced him to sell both houses and took all the money away and went back to Korea.

He started seeing a shrink and was on depression drugs for a while. He kept reassuring me each time I struggled with his negativity that this is all temporary, it will get better. Well, it did get somewhat better but certain things remain the same. He really believes everyone out there is trying to "[censored] him up". that would include me.

I managed to be ok with all this. Then sth else came up. He really wants kids and said his ex was never healthy enough nor interested in sex enough and it was the joke of fate for the pregnancy to happen upon divorce. Later I found out that his ex never wanted kids and he has male factor that makes it very hard to get pregnant. I had to go through the whole workup that led to IVF to get pregnant, thus with the twins. The whole treatment was very cruel on a woman. We got along nicely until then as it impacted the life so much. I was having all the side effects with the drugs pumped into my body. I got a total of 70 shots on my belly. It got me so tired all the time that he complained life has become very boring as I could not do things I used to do with him, like hiking and kayaking. You would think he would feel slightly sympathetic since this was all done because of his conditions? Nope, he thinks nothing of it since I want kids too. His ex went through IVF as well, so when she was suffering through the process and failed first round and on the 2nd round, he was enlightened on what he missed in his marriage by associating with a different woman.

He brought up the Belgium idea (he came to US from Belgium 18 years ago) when we were engaged. I was very disappointed at my job at the time so that I agreed to look into it. After a few trips to Belgium and a couple of interviews, I was not happy about it. Belgium feels very backwards compared to US, people a lot less friendly, brand new language, and the job cuts the salary to half with 65% tax rate.We got the job offers before the wedding which he was eager to take but I declined.He was very upset. I told him if this affects his marriage decision, I would like to postpone the wedding. He denied it and the wedding was done.

A second round of better offer from the same company came around when I was just pregnant.Yet another round of on site interview in Belgium. This time the offer was reasonable. And after the whole year of routine fights on the subject, I realized this was an option I can't ignore if I want to keep the marraige going. So I accepted the offer. He was worried about losing it as I would wait for the kids to be born before moving. He suggested he go in March, I stay behind to deliver in June and move in october. I was so surprised he would even think this way, told him there would be no wife or kids if he dares doing this. Then he wants me to move in March, saying his parents would take care of me and how superb the medical conditions there are in Belgium. I refused to go through the huge change during pregnancy, which was only proven to be right as I had every single possible complications and was put down to strict bedrest since W24 all the way to W37.

So we agreed: move in October, try 2 years. That Xmas we went to Belgium as usual, me having severe pregnancy reaction and throwing up all the time. We announced our decision which got cheers from the family. 5 min later, he started telling me he was not sure he would like working for the Belgian company, he doesn't like all the selling/packing we have to do as we would have to sell the house, cars and half of the belongings, he was worried we would not have the same nice jobs after two years in US, etc etc. It hit me that I gave in to a man who is highly unstable. But I told him what is done is done, he will have to deal with it. In fact, he would have to do most of it as I was pregnant. He really did not like hearing that.

Next day started with his parents asking tons of questions about our future move, which got him more uncertain. Later we took a walk on our own, I was commenting how narrow the roads were I would be too nervous to drive. Plus he already refused to get a automatic car as manual was more fun for him. He told me I should ride bike to work. I asked "with two infants?" He got furious that I was saying negative things about Belgium and said I didn't want to move to Belgium after all. I told him that was never what I want and he knew about it. I only agreed to try for 2 years as that is sth he really wants, he would have to help me through it as I would have two kids and would not speak the language here. He can't behave the way he does in the states as it won't work.

He came home crying to his mom, who of course wanted to talk to both of us. HIs parents tried to convince me to move to Belgium permanantly for "family value" and to "make your husband happy". I told them 2 years is what they got and all I would do. I explained to them US is much easier on an immigrant and I have accomplished myself there. His mom who has been housewife all her life asked what that meant? She concluded I put money before family.His dad told me I should consider kids' education etc. I told him US has good education systems. I personally would choose a PhD education in China over in Belgium. His dad later commented "how can someone with such high education be so narrow minded?"

It got ugly. I started violently throwing up. He chased me down and asked what if he insisted in coming to Belgium for good? I looked at him straight in the eyes and told him then you go your way, me and kids go the other. So he said I would rather give up the marriage than doing this "small thing" to make him happy.

We fought every single week afterwards. I begged him to leave me alone as my health could not stand such stress. I was not eating or sleeping and having a hard time with the pregnancy. He was happy to have cheese and chips for dinner and called me high maintenance for wanting different food. I could not cook for a month as I was too sensitive to any smells. You got the pic.

Then the ultrasound showed risks of Down Syndrome of one child. Doc was talking to us about selective abortion which most likely will trigger both... It was horrible to wait for the few weeks until we could do an ecogram on babies' heart. When it got cleared I was so happy, he showed no happiness and told me how he could feel happy when I made him so unhappy.

One day he accused me of trapping him in the marriage and with this pregnancy. That just did it for me, I took off alone in the car. Told him I would gladly sign him off and I would get an abortion right away if it was not already illegal (I was over 3 month pregnant). He went crazy looking for me all day and even got his shrink to call me while he sat in the nusery I put together, looking at the stuff I sewed up for the babies, crying over the life he possibly lost.

It became an open wound between us. I focused on myself and the pregnancy. He was very depressed. THis went on for a long time then I was put on strict bedrest due to preterm labor. Doc allows 5 min shower and bathroom use only. Babies had less than 50% survivor rate. It was after weeks that I was allowed to have a light walk. Then he told me one day he decided to forgive me. I told him I have always been a good wife to him, there is no need to be forgiven. He told me my decision on Belgium was like a betrayal upon him, like I slept with another man.

I did not even cry. i told him to move out. I told him he would lose me and the kids if he can't be a decent husband. I told him I would really try sleeping with another man just to spite him. He was shocked at my reaction, saying what he always says, life is very difficult for him (he believes he has ADHD, has to take sleeping pill every night and has panic attacks often). He pleaded for more patience and understanding. I told him I needed to see kindness in a man and I need to be able to respect him.

That was the most vulnerable period in my life. I asked my mom to come for a while which she refused. As the childbirth was getting close, I wanted to bring a Chinese doula from LA for a month. he refused, saying million of women went through it just fine, why bother? Instead his parents showed up and his mom planned to stay for one month. They left after one week. Then he went back to work, saying he could no longer help at night as he needs his rest. His mom told me I should be nice to my husband. It took every ounce of me not to yell back at her.

I was alone with twins for 3 months at home, day and night. He called babies at that stage "useless and annoying". Occasionally Sean threw up onto him, he called him "a f*cking piece of sh*t".

Somewhere along the line I just gave up. I no longer got upset or tried to improve things. My efforts have been labelled as "hormonal, difficult, and exaggeration". I take care of most housework, kids and my own job. I do more to avoid conflict as I am just too tired to argue. He said I play a martyr to make him feel like an inadequate husband. I didn't even bother replying.

Life has been very exhausting for the past two years. His parents asked about moving to Belgium on and off, which triggers friction between us. His mom also asks me why I don't stay at home to take care of my own kids. She told me it is only natural for a guy to be lazy and selfish, the earlier you accept it, the happier you will be. After a tough night of boys crying/waking up, he will pass his parents' message that I spoil them too much, I should leave the crying baby in a room where I can't hear. It certainly does not help to hear that from my husband after I was the one who get up at night.

Most of the days I am too busy to think about things, other days I just want to scream. One morning prior to one of his parents' visit, I told him I bought his mom a shirt in her favorite style. He looked at me with suspicion and said you are just doing this to show how great you are and make me feel bad. I laughed and told him I have no interst to [censored] his mind.

I was pregnant a few months ago. I did not even know I could get pregnant naturally with him and the feeling was very complicated. Our offer just got accepted on the current house which we could not support with one salary. When I told him, he said there is no way he could deal with the extra stress. He told me of course the decision was up to me but he would just be unlucky to be in the consequences. I know myself would not have the time/energy for another baby but wish he would be a bit more sympathetic... He did go through the abortion process with me and cried when I did. I cried my eyes out after the abortion and went on with my life.

One day I was driving on the backroad fast and the car was tilting slightly, I thought it would be such a relief to just let go. Then the thought of my boys grabbed my hearts with so much pain.

My days light up with seeing those smiles on my boys' faces, hearing him call me "mama" and touching those little bodies. He enjoys them too since they are more interactive. Just his patience has a very short span and he does not like his life turned upside down by the kids. We have not fought for a long time, I don't even remember how long. I told him last time living with him is like living with a mental patient, the relationship being mentally abusive. He knew this relationship is not the way I want, said sometimes he feels I have written him off.

I am insisting in starting marriage counseling at this point... He agreed to see a marriage counselor with me though he thinks this marriage is perfectly fine. He thinks he is insensitive just like any other guy and I am too much a perfectionist, have too much expectation for a marriage, too sensitive, hormonal, exaggerating and difficult.

Am I?

He's IS an emotional abuser,honey. He cares only about himself and even resents the children.
To call his child a *ucking piece of [censored]" is is VERY alarming!Anyone who talks about ANYONE like this much less his own child is very,very sick. Is he capable of hurting the children? HE needs HIS rest???????? Honey,this is not the way it works. I also had a difficult pregnancy. My H was so good to me. I was on bed rest and he would get home ASAP everyday to help me. He was over joyed when our son was born and is very very close to him. He's 32 now and where you see one,you usually see the other.
My H painted the whole house while I was in the hospital. He would come down to the hospital and could not wait to hold his son.
Your H is emotionally abusive. He needs help but that could take a lot of time. He allows his parents too far into your marriage.
You deserve better then you are getting.

Echo_0616,

You wrote a lot of facts about what has happened, and those facts indicate that he is not interested in taking into consideration your point of view. To debate about whether or not this is emotional abuse is besides the point. Are you happy living with this man the way he treats you? If I were you, I'd tell him I need some time to think, and then separate. Stay away from him. If he wakes up to the fact that he is making you miserable and you are better off without him, great. If he doesn't, move on with your life.

By the way, does he tell you you are overreacting?

Cherished

There is no way you will be happy living with him for the rest of your life. Leave him and get on with your life.

Cherished and catperson are right. Your H is a truly messed up person. I mean,REALLY messed up,honey. He'd have to WANT to get better but is too in a fog to care. He calls his beautiful children useless and annoying and to call one a *[censored] piece of *hit is VERY alarming. He didn't care about how sick you were with the pregnancy is alarming also.
He can not be a loving husband OR father. I'd get those kids away from him ASAP,really. I don't think they are safe emotionally or physically around him. He has many psychological problems. I'd think of the kids first and get as far away from him as possible. Even if he GOT help,it would take a very long time for him to get better.
He should NOT be around those children.

I agree.....

You need to look out for the welfare of your boys. What man can say things like that about any child much less his own.

Thank you all for the replies. My husband has indeed improved over the past a couple of months as twins are becoming more challenging to care for. We each slept with one child in different rooms. He ceased cursing at 2am after warnings from me.

I have no doubt that he loves these kids. He enjoys playing with them and pours his heart to them.

I think I shut down myself towards him over the past a few years and have trouble eliminating the bitterness within. I still want to make the marrige work. I just need to figure out how...

Echo

You are making excuses for him. If my H called our son what he called yours,I couldn't be out of there quick enough,honestly. So,he plays with them and "pours his heart" out to them. What,he tells them about HIM?
He may have his good side but to me,the bad far out weighs his good. Those children should NOT be around him. To call a beautiful,in defensive baby a "*ucking piece of *[censored]" is super alarming,honey. I would NEVER put up with that.
Those twins have only you,Echo. Do not make excuses for his abuse.

Echo, PLEASE look up a psychiatrist or psychologist and make an emergency appointment. I have been in your shoes, and children or not, you are in danger of giving up on life just to get away from his pain.

Why should you be in a marriage that makes you want to kill yourself?

More importantly, why would you want your children to grow up witnessing such an abusive relationship? You realize, don't you, that if you stay with this man, your sons will grow up to be just as abusive as him?

I agree. I feel like about to explode.

We have an appointment next week.

I'm not talking about marriage counseling. I'm talking about a personal psychologist JUST FOR YOU.

Catperson is right,Echo. You are very confused and don't see what's really important here....those children.
Your confusion is not letting you see what is important here.....those kids. MC is a step but he and you NEED IC too. You have to find out WHY you accept his abuse. This takes a lot of work,Echo. It takes both of you committing yourself to IC,MC and finding things out about yourself you are willing to work on.
It takes awhile and he doesn't seem like he's where he needs to be and may never be.
But,as those children's Mother,YOU have to put them first. Calling the children names and getting mad so easily.....It takes caring and love and he just doesn't have it,IMO.
Read your first post back to yourself. You will see,hopefully,why it is so alarming. You just do not treat children the way your H treats them. You do not treat your wife the way you have let him treat you.

Think about if you had a sister, and she told you what you posted in your first post. What would you think? You love her. You don't want her to be hurt. What would you tell her?

H is sweet to the boys and the boys are attached to him. I certainly won't tolerate any verbal/physical incident to the kids.

I still want to work on the marriage.

We had a few talks for the past a couple of days which are probalby the only true conversations for the past a year and half. H is open to the counseling and working on the issues. He agreed it took him longer than average to shift into the fatherhood role which he now truly enjoys.

Our sour spot is the decision to move to Belgium which remains an open wound. He felt he was truly hurt by my saying no. The whole conflict adds tremendous stress and pain to the already stressful pregnancy. For that I have not been able to heal and have shut myself down towards H.

I actually know why I have high threashold for pain and stress. I was born when my mom was 40 years old and my parents devoted their life in making each other miserable and accusing the other side for every single opportunity when one of them is alone with me. They consistently pointed out me being the result of them being stuck in misery. I actually married the guy who was the first to tell me this was not my fault. My first marriage came to an end after 5 years due to fundamental differences. My ex was a very nice, gental and considerate guy but with unearthly thoughts with strong spiritual pursuit. After pondering all sorts of career options, he started lawschool with over 30k loan per year but wanted a non-profit job afterwards, an old church to relieve people's suffering in his spare time. I just wanted a regular family and would rather send my kids to private schools if needed rather than the old church for my ex's spiritual fulfillment.

The divorce was very painful as we indeed loved each other. I so wanted a family of my own where I feel needed, loved and where I belong. I probably overlooked some dangerous signals when I married current H as our agreement on fundamentals filled up the blanks from my previous marriage. I might have put up more than I should for my hunger of a normal family life.

I love my kids and still want this family to work.

Echo, I understand and respect how you feel about still wanting to make your family work. What is your plan to restore your marriage? Most start with Love Busters, because it makes sense to plug a bucket before you try to fill it. Are you familiar with the basic Concepts? What do you think about calling the Harleys for Marriage Coaching? Have you decided to go with someone local instead?

Hi ears_open
Unfortunately there is no practitioner of Dr. Harley nearby. I looked up local directory and found someone with the right credentials and philosophies, got first available time slot.

I recommended this site to my H and plan to sit down to read through it together. Myself has gone through the basic concepts.

My H agreed that we needed help but I can't make him see how certain behaviors are not acceptable and how they have damaged my trust towards him. He thinks he was equally hurt in the situation and made some angry remarks like a regular guy. He thinks those incidents belong to the past and I should be able to let go and start afresh with him. He also feels that he can certainly do more to help me around the house, be considerate but his insensitivity is just a guy thing.

I also sent him link for this topic as I would like him to see in other people's eyes that are not mine or his. Honestly I only felt myself very unhappy, lonely and find little warmth and security in the marriage, but I take it mainly as differences of personality, gender and culture. I posted the topic after several twins moms told me they worry my high threashold of pain and stress will lead to an emotional breakdown on my side. All the responses here make me feel very sad to realize our issues are beyond a man vs woman and normal first parents struggles.

My H started responding to my stress call this round. He took me out on a lunch date yesterday and held my hands as we walked to the resteraunt. He also left a note at the door for me to see first thing in the morning that he loves me. Obviously there are lots of good things in this man which is why I married him. I hope we can make efforts from both sides to restore this marriage and give our boys a happy home.

Echo, that's fine if you want to work on the marriage. But I want to make sure you understand what you're dealing with. No marriage counselor will work on his problems. He has mental issues that no marriage counselor will help.

If you want to save the marriage, HE needs to get professional help - just him. Insist on it.

Just a reminder of your issues:

The kick for him to have a divorce was another woman in the company who was on separation and had much more lively personality. He realized what he was missing in his life. Meanwhile the woman's husband went to HR to complain it made him impossible to work at the same company. YOu could imagine the riot.Eventually this woman quit.
So your H had an affair while married, to a married woman.

He started seeing a shrink and was on depression drugs for a while. He kept reassuring me each time I struggled with his negativity that this is all temporary, it will get better. Well, it did get somewhat better but certain things remain the same. He really believes everyone out there is trying to "[censored] him up". that would include me.You should read my thread. Same husband. So he remains negative.

I managed to be ok with all this.
So you settled with a H who was not meeting your needs and who made you feel it was your faultt.

I had to go through the whole workup that led to IVF to get pregnant, thus with the twins. The whole treatment was very cruel on a woman. We got along nicely until then as it impacted the life so much. I was having all the side effects with the drugs pumped into my body. I got a total of 70 shots on my belly. It got me so tired all the time that he complained life has become very boring as I could not do things I used to do with him, like hiking and kayaking. You would think he would feel slightly sympathetic since this was all done because of his conditions?
So he blames you for being human and has no sympathy and expects you to forego your needs just to keep him happy.

And after the whole year of routine fights on the subject, I realized this was an option I can't ignore if I want to keep the marraige going. So I accepted the offer. He was worried about losing it as I would wait for the kids to be born before moving. He suggested he go in March, I stay behind to deliver in June and move in october. I was so surprised he would even think this way, told him there would be no wife or kids if he dares doing this.
So again he cares only for himself and is willing to abandon his wife to have her twins on her own just so he can move sooner?

So we agreed: move in October, try 2 years. That Xmas we went to Belgium as usual, me having severe pregnancy reaction and throwing up all the time. We announced our decision which got cheers from the family. 5 min later, he started telling me he was not sure he would like working for the Belgian company, he doesn't like all the selling/packing we have to do as we would have to sell the house, cars and half of the belongings, he was worried we would not have the same nice jobs after two years in US, etc etc. It hit me that I gave in to a man who is highly unstable. But I told him what is done is done, he will have to deal with it. In fact, he would have to do most of it as I was pregnant. He really did not like hearing that.
So you’re married to an unstable person.

I was commenting how narrow the roads were I would be too nervous to drive. Plus he already refused to get a automatic car as manual was more fun for him. He told me I should ride bike to work. I asked "with two infants?" He got furious that I was saying negative things about Belgium and said I didn't want to move to Belgium after all.
So he expects you to stop all your thinking and give up any feelings you have because it’s your job only to make sure he’s happy? He cares about his fun more than your fear?

He came home crying to his mom, who of course wanted to talk to both of us. HIs parents tried to convince me to move to Belgium permanantly for "family value" and to "make your husband happy". I told them 2 years is what they got and all I would do. I explained to them US is much easier on an immigrant and I have accomplished myself there. His mom who has been housewife all her life asked what that meant? She concluded I put money before family.His dad told me I should consider kids' education etc. I told him US has good education systems. I personally would choose a PhD education in China over in Belgium. His dad later commented "how can someone with such high education be so narrow minded?"
So you’re married to a man who sides with his parents over you and sees nothing wrong with letting them gang up on you, does not defend you?

We fought every single week afterwards. I begged him to leave me alone as my health could not stand such stress. I was not eating or sleeping and having a hard time with the pregnancy. He was happy to have cheese and chips for dinner and called me high maintenance for wanting different food. So he has no concern nor respect for you as a pregnant person or the person he supposedly loves.

Then the ultrasound showed risks of Down Syndrome of one child. Doc was talking to us about selective abortion which most likely will trigger both... It was horrible to wait for the few weeks until we could do an ecogram on babies' heart. When it got cleared I was so happy, he showed no happiness and told me how he could feel happy when I made him so unhappy.So at the most traumatic point of your life, all he cares about is that YOU make HIM unhappy?

Then he told me one day he decided to forgive me. I told him I have always been a good wife to him, there is no need to be forgiven. He told me my decision on Belgium was like a betrayal upon him, like I slept with another man.That is manipulative, abusive bull crap.

That was the most vulnerable period in my life. I asked my mom to come for a while which she refused. As the childbirth was getting close, I wanted to bring a Chinese doula from LA for a month. he refused, saying million of women went through it just fine, why bother?
So again he chooses his needs (saving money) over yours?

I was alone with twins for 3 months at home, day and night. He called babies at that stage "useless and annoying". Occasionally Sean threw up onto him, he called him "a f*cking piece of sh*t". You do realize this is not normal behavior? That it is a sign of severe problems to call your own son that?

Somewhere along the line I just gave up. I no longer got upset or tried to improve things. My efforts have been labelled as "hormonal, difficult, and exaggeration". I take care of most housework, kids and my own job. I do more to avoid conflict as I am just too tired to argue. He said I play a martyr to make him feel like an inadequate husband. I didn't even bother replying. You react just like every other abuse victim – giving up and turning off your feelings. He continues to press that advantage by manipulating you further to convince you that YOU are to blame for everything.

Most of the days I am too busy to think about things, other days I just want to scream. One morning prior to one of his parents' visit, I told him I bought his mom a shirt in her favorite style. He looked at me with suspicion and said you are just doing this to show how great you are and make me feel bad.Another symptom of a troubled mind. No man who loves his wife would say that about her doing something nice for HIS mother.

I was pregnant a few months ago. I did not even know I could get pregnant naturally with him and the feeling was very complicated. Our offer just got accepted on the current house which we could not support with one salary. When I told him, he said there is no way he could deal with the extra stress. He told me of course the decision was up to me but he would just be unlucky to be in the consequences. I know myself would not have the time/energy for another baby but wish he would be a bit more sympathetic... He did go through the abortion process with me and cried when I did. I cried my eyes out after the abortion and went on with my life.
More abusive manipulation, to make you feel you had no choice but to lose the baby.

One day I was driving on the backroad fast and the car was tilting slightly, I thought it would be such a relief to just let go. Then the thought of my boys grabbed my hearts with so much pain.
Another symptom of an abuse victim – preferring death just to get away from the pain.

Get help, but stop going down this road of self-destruction. For your sons' sakes. I have a book for you to read. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. Please read it.

Dear catperson,
I am not disagreeing on any account and I will get the book.
Thank you.

Echo

Catperson is SO right,honey. Listen to them. I don't know if Catperson is a man or woman (guessing woman) but they sure are giving you good advice. You are an abused woman. It does not matter that he's "trying". It matters that he called an innocent baby a "*ucking piece of *hit". That is SO alarming. Without help,he will do that again,maybe worse.
Do what Catperson says to do. Their advice is right on. I wouldn't leave him alone with those kids,not for a minute.

Ech, please read this, too, about the dangers of going to counseling with an abuser. I looked this up for you, and oh my goodness, this is EXACTLY what went on in our MC session Tuesday. EXACTLY.

http://compassionpower.com/emotional%20abuse%20failed%20marriage%20counseling.php


I had read the book that cat had recommended, and stood up for myself. I said, I hear you saying that when my tone is off, that to you, that justifies his abuse of me. That abuse is justified when the spose isn't acting "just right." I disagree. I don't accept that. Abuse, gaining at my expense, hurting me, is never justified. I don't accept responsibility for his behavior. Only my own.

Good thing that I have boundaries, that I have support to help me in my effort to stay sane, so I don't have to count on other people to keep me safe.