This might sound trivial but for me it seems to create
a real damper on how I view my spouse. We have been married for almost 20 years and have 2 girls 18 and 16. My wife is
5 foot 3 and I am 6 foot 2 and about 205lbs. I have been able to stay in shape mostly because of my job. My wife on the other
hand over the years has let herself increase ( not obese )
in size. There are many things she could do such as eating
properly and exercising ( she walks the dog ) but she has very
little personal discipline which she accounts for ADD. She
seems Ok for where she is at but I have to admit that I am
sometimes repulsed and for me unless I close my eyes I don't
know how to handle this situation. Help

Have you very very gently talked with her about it? Does she see it as a problem? I hope others can weigh in (no pun intended) on this because I think lots of people struggle with this from one side or the other. We are told we are suppose to love unconditionally so this is something many don't want to admit to for fear of appearing shallow. But, I'm on your side, my dh has gained some weight and it definitely affected how physically attracted I was to him. I don't have an answer but understand your point of view. Dh found out I felt this way and is working hard to loose a few pounds. Why does it always seem that the overweight person always says "I love you no matter what. I'd love you even if you got huge"? I think if the tables were turned they might feel differently. I hope others reply.

Two things to do. First be honest with her. Assure her you still love her, but you have an EN for attractiveness. Your ENs are what they are; you don't have to defend your needs. But she needs to be aware of it.

Second, be creative and find ways to incorporate your 15 hours a week together into activities that the two of you can do together that will help her get in shape. Maybe even with the kids. Pick up tennis as a family sport, or biking. Something like that. That way, it's not a chore to be avoided, but fun time to look forward to.

I think its hard to understand if you don't have a need for physical attractiveness. It makes no difference to me how attracted I am to my husband thankfully, he's fluctuated by about 50lbs over the course of our relationship but it makes very little difference to me. On the other hand my weight makes quite a difference to him and he's only lately felt able to tell me. I value his honesty hugely (since thats one of my top needs) and since he told me I feel much more motivated to keep the weight off. But he's working hard to meet my needs that he was missing too, without that I'd be less willing.

My husband is currently in the process of forcing me out of his life. He says it's because I'm fat, he's not at all attracted to me, and he wants to have lots of sex with lots of other women. (But he wants to remain friends.)

I am fat, very fat. I wasn't when he met me, I gained weight before we got married and he still married me, and I continued to gain weight after we were married. I didn't set out to do so. I have attempted many times to lose weight, always losing my resolve after several months, gaining back everything plus a few more pounds. It is a really, really hard thing to do. I also have ADD, and it is very difficult to keep focus on a goal, on a daily basis, especially when you have kids and a husband and a dog and probably a lot of other responsibilities to people who all act like the needs she fulfills for them should be her highest priorities.

In January I went to a wonderful spa in Vermont for three weeks, a women-only spa, one I highly recommend. It's called Green Mountain at Fox Run. You can read about it at http://www.fitwoman.com. There I found the right motivation for me, finally, and over the last year have lost 40 lbs. I still have 100 lbs. to lose, but for the first time, I am very confident that in the next two years, I will lose that weight. I spend more time exercising every day. Plus, I've gone on other retreats to learn more about my sexuality as a woman, and how to participate in marriage with more personal integrity, which helped me to end my need to please all sorts of people in order to find value in myself.

But it doesn't matter how well I've done till now, it doesn't matter how much I've learned, how excited I was to be a part of making my marriage into a truly great relationship, because my husband is not attracted to me any longer. And the more I have done to try to keep my marriage together, the harder I work at losing more weight, the more I try to initiate sex and be more available to him, and to keep the house clean, and to walk the dog and take care of everything he no longer feels he has the time to manage, the more he shuts himself off from me.

My advice to you is if the physical attraction element is really very important to you, then you should consider choosing to leave now, because she's not going to lose weight until its the right time for her to lose weight. And you probably won't be able to remain a loving husband to her when she's not going to meet this need of yours, quite possibly ever. It doesn't get any easier to lose weight as we women age, you know.

Or, you might try opening your eyes and really looking at your wife as a whole being. And you might explore what needs of hers you aren't meeting and asking her how that affects how much she loves you. And then you should think about the life you've had together so far. And then think about how you feel about yourself right now, as a man, at your age. And then you should go show your wife how deeply you love her, often, until you know that she knows how much you love her, because a woman who really knows she is deeply loved is a beautiful thing to see.

JP

I Have the same problem
Some people are just not motivated to lose weight. My wife is one of those persons.
She isn't fat but chubby. She has gained like 30 lbs since we were married.
It takes discipline and most people mena and women alike to not have this trait when it comes to losing weight. I work out and look especially fit for my age.
One of my top emotional needs is physical attractiveness. I am trying to get my wife to undestand this, its a constant battle. Harping about it and bugging her is not the way to go. IT did not work for me. Working out together whenever possible is a good idea. Good luck iwith getting your wife to do this.
Its not easy. Try and make it fun for her in some way. Your not alone, many married couples struggle iwth this

I don't know. This seems like a maturity or character issue to me. My husband lost all his hair after we got married. I learned to love it because I loved him. I didn't want to be married to a bald man. I didn't run him to the toupee store or leave hair-replacement brochures on his dresser.

Most people put on weight as they age. You might too some day. I'm not trying to be mean, but it just seems so shallow.

Maybe you need to start a gratitude journal. Try to see the big picture. Try to see all the good.

This is my first time on this site and I'm going to dive right in. I am reading "His Needs / Her Needs" and am amazed how it hits home.
On the subject of weight gain. I know that it seems shallow and this is the very first time I've gone "public" with my struggle with my wife's weight. But as I feel so bad bringing this up...it's real for me. She's a beautiful lady, I've told her that a million times. But her weight gain absolutely crushes one thing in our marriage..."opportunity." What I mean by that is every opportunity she has to be intimate with me, she feels fat and guarded. She won't sit in my lap, let me see her naked, wear a bathing suit, etc... So much of our life has been putting food before me. She has been in two clinics for Food addiction and has lost ALL self confidence. She had NEVER responded to me sexually and won't let her self relax and truly participate. All of this is over the love of food and the lack of self image. I've BEGGED, CRIED, PRAYED AND PLEADED for her to understand how much I need the intimacy we've never had (23 years married) and I'm at the end of my rope. She has moved to the basement to another room and we now co-exist in out home. She would rather do without than get a handle on this and change. I'm sorry, but I'm at the end of my rope. Why won't she do something since she knows how I am suffering?

I'm sorry but after reading your post, I don't have much sympathy for you. Re-read what you posted. Your wife has gained weight. Her self image is shot. Her confidence is shot. Her health may be at risk. She sought help for this and failed so now she feels like a failure. And you wonder why she won't do something to ease YOUR suffering?

Maybe if you showed your wife that you're more concerned about how she feels about her weight---or better yet, let her know that you love her in spite of her weight, it would do her self confidence some good and might even entice her out of the basement.

If I were married to you, I'd be in the basement too. I've never had a weight problem. But after my first child, I held on to a lot of baby weight--and I had gained a LOT of weight. It took me over 2 years to lose it. And my husband--bless his heart on this--never ONCE mentioned my weight. He knew how I felt about it. He made sure to tell me instead, how great I looked when I tried to dress nicely instead of baggy sweats and as I fianlly lost the weight, he continued to tell me how nice I looked. But he never, not once, mentioned the "before".

I encourage you to read HNHN. Dr. Harley goes into detail on this very issue. I think you'll like what he has to say. He's seen lots of folks get through this issue successfully. No one WANTS to be heavy.

My H and I have both read HNHN and I understand how important those top EN's are. My H and I both have physical appearance in our top 5. Because of this, we work out each day and try to look as best we can for each other. We do because we love each other and want to fulfill the other person's EN.

It takes time and lots of commitment to really look good physically for your spouse. I run marathons and do weights and have maintained the same weight for our 25 years of marriage. It was easy for me because I never let myself gain weight and I have always been physically active.

I think you know your partner before you get married and should understand if they would have the time and commitment to put the effort forward to keeping fit.

Keeping fit does not mean you have a perfect body. It just means you are trying to look the best you can. The most important thing is REGULAR physical exercise. You have to be willing to work your butt off to get into shape. Everyone can find something physical they like to do - whether it is tennis, skiing, swimming, running. There is something for everyone. Make it fun and you will be doing it often and even better if you can do this sport with your spouse. It becomes a lifestyle and there are so many positive benefits to feeling healthy and fit.

If you love your H or W you will do it.

"Ears open"...Thank you for your post and encouraged direction. I bought the book and have been reading it today. A previous person responded and seemed very upset. I shouldn't expect her to understand with such limited information. My fault.

Watermark, I'm glad that it helped. I've struggled with weight all my life, and I thought I was the only one it was impacted, so I could take my time fixing it. I'd seen other relatives do this, lose the weight when they retired and had more free time. Reading HNHN, I understood that people do this every day, make commitments to themselves and keep them. It encouraged me that I could do this, too. It's been up and down for me, but I am losing the weight I gained and I plan to keep it off.

POJA is really cool that way - we find the things we do that NEITHER of us are enthusiastic about! H wasn't the only one who wasn't enthusiastic about my weight gain, I was unenthusiastic about it, too LOL. I just needed the confidence that I could kick this.

I guess I'll go get those brochures for hair replacement...after all.

I know that the weight gain thing is extreemly unpopular and sensitive. I also know that it may seem shallow and wrong. I also know people who have Financial Support at the top of their list. That's not my hot button but if it is my wife with that need, I need to be (for her) as diligent as I can to meet it. But unfortunately, it is mentioned in HNHN as a real emotional need and I thought the point of Dr. Harley's book was to acknowledge that the 10 emotional needs he describes are "real needs" and that there aren't any wrong answers for anyone. No matter what anyone's order of importance is, it's not for any of us to decide or judge the emotional priorities of another. Dr. Harlet says these needs are a learned behavior and that real love for another comes in the form of seeking to meet the needs of their spouse, and not to pick and choose which ones they agree with or not. And THAT is really the heart of the matter. Any of us SHOULD find and attempt to meet the emotional needs of our spouse. Why? Simply because it that's what true love should do. It should seek the best interest and fulfillment of the other person. I know that "An Attractive Spouse" is one of the catagories and "attraction" comes in all shapes and sizes...hair/no hair....black, blonde, blue and yellow. That's not the point. The point is, we need to have the disposition to meet the needs of another, and accordiing to Dr. Harley (and I think we ALL agree with him here), this the KEY to having an affair proof marriage and to finding future happiness. Seems to me it's a win/win for both parties. To DO, BE, LOOK, EARN, TALK, TOUCH, CLEAN, and SUPPORT everything that "the other person" needs...and having that reciprocated back to us in fulfilling OUR emotional needs...it is certain happiness. And yes, even if he/she need to lose 25 pounds in order to meet that "appearance" need of their partner.....he/she should do it! Why wouldn't they??????????????

Isn't this whe whole point of the book...and the solution?

She would rather do without than get a handle on this and change. I'm sorry, but I'm at the end of my rope. Why won't she do something since she knows how I am suffering?
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