Used,
Question

So there is 3 yrs of M with WW? Four kids? Set aside Bipolar for a moment *yes it is needing attention*. Do you love your WW and want the M to move foward together? Does she want the M to work as well?

I wouldnt get on the D train as of yet if you both want to work on the M. But you did right on tellign Marty about your W being M. Also getting your DD out of that situation your WW put her in.

You need to continue to expose. Tell her friends, family. Snoop on Marty and this boss of hers and tell there families. Exposure. Cease the A. First step. Now WW will be one upset puppy.

Shes in what is called Fog. And it as she realizes what is really going on she will come too. She needs to be an open book, passwords to everything she goes to on sites, emails, her cellphone.

A poloy test would work as well in finding out the truth to what has been going on if she wont talk. She needs to be open and honest with you to make the recovery a smoother ride. *I should have done that from the start*

Find out why she seeks out all this attention and give her that attention she is trying to find.

Bipolar is different levels. My oldest has it. But besides my son we are on your wife. She needs her meds and it will help her tremendously. You said so yourself. Taking pills is an issue. Well seeking calmness is an issue.Meaning in order to move foward she needs to start those meds on a daily basis and if need be administer them to her like you would a child and check to make sure she swallowed them.

I am sure more is to come but I wanted to get this out right now.

Thank you and thanks for sending me here. I cant believe how many replies I have been getting.

DIG knows the whole story because she has been talking me through this and has been a godsend to me. Our marriage has been so complicated and there has been so many other issues that preceeded this. There has been mental and physical abuse with me as the victim. There has been sexual problems, just so many things that would fill pages here.

usedandabused Welcolm to the forums.
Sorry you had to be here, but all of were at in the beggining.

Before you can really get any real advise, you need to make a decision whether you really want to try save your M or not. No one can make that decision for you, and no one would ever fault you for deciding to D instead.

You have to ask yourself, that if it were possible to salvage this, would I and my WW be ready, willing, and able to do the extremely hard work of R together?

I believe that is your first step, then others can gear their response towards what YOU want to do or not,KWIM.

Hate to bring this up, but as most forget to mention it, immediately have yourself tested for STD's and HIV. Sounds grim, but it happens all the time. Trust me, I found out the hard way.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Happy to help. I owe the people on this board so much. I know they can help you the way they helped me. You just have to open and willing to listen and everything will work itself out. Trust me when I tell you. I am a prime example.

u, the best advice I can give you is to get legal protection right now and get custody of your DD. Your W has a very destructive lifestyle that leaves your DD vulnerable to sexual molestation or abuse.

She clearly has a lifestyle of trolling for men on the internet and may up dead from her efforts. You made a serious mistake in choosing her for a wife. Now you have to protect yourself from her probably as others have done before you. She is a serial cheater who is exposing you to STDs and your DD to all manner of harm.

Get yourself protected and get full custody of that child before she causes real harm to her.

Sorry, I probably should have clarified. She had 3 kids when we met. 2 girls and a boy, the boy she gave away to her sister to raise. Her girls are another thing, the oldest (12) is deeply emotional and has issues, the younger girl (8) has been diagnosed with ADHD and is supposed to be taking medication. I brought a son (11) into the marriage who I raised myself from an infant so I am an experienced father. We then had a child of our own, girl (2) so all in all, there are 4 kids in the house aged 2 to 12.

She is such an iffy person, she loves something one minute and hates it the next. She'll buy something at the mall and return it the next day just hating it. She will scream at me, call me every hurtful word in the book (In front of the kids) then 30 minutes later acts like nothing has happened. I might be still angry at her but she would look at me smiling and say "Why are you mad"?? Like I said DIG knows everything because If somebody came to me and told me about everything I am going through I would say NO WAY.......

UandA,

You have two good reasons to get away fast, your son and your daughter. Throw up as many legal barriers as you can. You are a stand up guy to raise a baby from infancy and deserve better than this. Taking a 2 year old into a Motel, I can't even begin to comprehend that.

God Bless
NJ

Can you explain why you made such a dreadful choice for a wife? Why would you expose your son to this? Is your judgment usually this poor?

Used I have to say Mel can be a bit blunt. Just understand she is not doing it to be mean. She is asking for a reason. The reason being to find out why you would feel so bad about yourself as to marry someone who would treat this way and think it is ok. Did B show any of the signs you mentioned about her stability before you married her and if so what were they and what made you still go through with marring her?

I'm sorry, you are in this awful position, usedandabused.

I too think the best thing you can do is get custody of your child and try to figure out why you would MARRY a woman like this.

You are obviously a good and loving father, so focus on your children and their needs.

And do what you need to to protect them from your W.

A lot of it I didnt know about. When we were dating before we got married her girls were aged 5 and 8. The younger one was held back in kindergarten due to the fact she was very slow in learning and her behavior was bad. We were married for 2 years when she was finally diagnosed with ADHD. The older girl was pretty normal at her young age but as she got older she became an emotional wreck. I see a young version of her mother when I look at her. The mental and physical abuse against me didnt start until well after we were married. Believe me, If I knew back then what I know now, I wouldnt be here. I would never knowingly subject my son to this nonsense.

used, did you think that 3 kids with 3 men, and a child that was "given away" might indicate a serious problem? I am not saying this stuff to be mean, but it is imperative that you see how you set yourself up for this so you don't continue to make bad such tragically bad decisions. I just know a very few facts about your situation and they are huge red flags. I bet there are more if you really think about it.

In the meantime, I hope that you take our advice and get custody of your child so you can protect her. Your wife is a danger to her right now. Sorry, friend.

After reading the past posts and what I posted I will have to say YOU need to figure out if your wanting to work on the M and if your WW wants too as well..

After reading the kids disorders and more on your WW and how shes been physically abusive I would seek custody of the children and move foward.

Listen to Mel, shes great. Shes helped so many.

Used I have to say. Mel is spot on here and I think her bluntness is just what you need. Sometimes when people sugarcoat things we don't get it. I tried to sugarcoat things with B in the beginning and it didn;t do any good. So I started to be as blunt with her as Mel is maybe more. You have a pattern just as much as B, for picking the wrong type of women. You for whatever reason think that you can be the Knight in shining armor for poor misguided souls. There is nothing wrong with that. However there is something wrong with the people you are trying to safe. You can only be of help to someone who wants it. She doesn't even think anything is wrong with her. The first step to solving a problem is to acknowledge it. How can you fix what you don't think is broken?

Your wife's issues are not due to just being bi-polar if in fact she is even that. It is because she is so insecure with how she is she need other people to validate her. She was abused in her past and because she didn't get the help she needed for that she is replaying it all for you and the kids. I think Used could really be good for his wife but she has to realize that she is not as worthless as she sees herself before she can understand how lucky she is to have a man to not only take care of her but her children from previous relationships. I know both B and Used and I don't think they are bad people just both misguided. However I will say this if she doesn't work on getting the help she needs to be a good mother and wife you can not continue to mistreat the kids and you. They watch everything you do. They are going to grow up thinking it is ok for someone to mistreat you or to mistreat someone. They deserve better than that as do you. B was telling me that you have had other women cheat on you as well. So the bad choice in women didn't just start with her. You need to understand why you keep choosing the same type of woman?

I have to get my babies up I will be back to post more later.

Mels previous post was spot on, that B is living in a reckless manner right now endangering not only herself but the rest of us too and that I need to do something now. Yes, for the second time in a row I have made a poor choice in mates. I was cheated on by my former wife. It was an isolated incident and I left her for it then several years later, I met then married B. After looking at it, yes, there were signs that I should have taken to heart. Understanding that and understanding why two mates in a row have cheated will be very helpful to me in my future relationships or If I decide to continue this one. We can monday-morning quarterback my poor decisions all day long but it still doesnt change the fact of her reckless behavior and her bringing these men into our family circle. The reasons for the cheating is very important, but the fact remains, she cheated. If your unhappy, and you truly love your mate, you both dig in your heels and you work out your issues. You dont go to someone else. Its immoral and illegal in some states like ours. Like I said, she threw up the sexual barrier. I'm just as unhappy but I didnt go out and cheat, and in my job, I have had plenty of offers. I love my family and my wife, but the cheating and the constant lies and the fact she has put my family in danger, I cant deal with that.

Did you hear back from the lawyer 2day Used? If so how is that going? If you have come up with a plan. I would suggest you post it and get feed back on it and go from there. They will give you great advice. Mimi is great as well as the Wonderings. If you want you can write to them and they can contact you via email. So you don't have to worry about if B tries to check up on you. I hope this helps. Fridays are usually pretty slow here, so don't think we have forgotten about you.

So your options lay in several roads

1. To break all ties with WW and take the kids and D her.

2. To see if she wants to work on the M and if you wanna work on the M and go the next step

3. Work on yourself and find what you need to improve and vice versa she neds to find what she needs to improve in the M as well.

Now I dont know what you want to do. You love her yes. But you havent stated if you want to be M to her anymore. If you want to work on the M then I suggest the following...

Expose

That means to expose to friends, family, her family, the OM's BW's and so on...

She needs to leave her job and find another one.

She needs to give you all passwords and access to all accts she has. Including cell phone records.

You should look into the SAA book and HNHN book *the HNHN is somethign she could read*

When shes been exposed and it comes back to her she will be upset and hurt. Thats her doing for bringing this into the M in the first place. She will seem distant because her fantasy world is crashing around her. And this will be a trying time even more so for the both of you. I suggest reading up on 'fog babble' etc... off of this site.

She needs to write NC letters to the OM with you present and mail them off.

You both need to come to an agreement on her meds. You shouldnt show AO or DJ's as this might make her pull back in being open and honest as well as doing what is going to be right in the end.

I would suggest and see what you both need to work on the M. The EN questionair is a good start for each other. As well read up on LBs....

Now if she doesnt want to even more and inch ... give it a certain time frame and start a plan A... read on Plan A/Plan B.

Of coarse I am putting this out there if you and your WW ONLY want to work on the M.

I have to say poor B is so deep in the fog her name should be MoonChild. Used you have to work on getting rid of the love buster you are doing and work on what is it you are doing that are contributing to the problems you all her having.

I have to say yesterday my heart was so heavy. I take care of used and B's 9DD before and after school. Yesterday when she came of to go to school. She was so sad. This child very rarely gets upset and for her to look so down I knew she had to feel bad. When she came home from school she bawled for an hour straight. My heart was breaking. I asked her why she was so upset. She said that she wanted Used and B to stop arguing and be like they used to be a long time ago. She said that she barely gets to see both of them and she misses them. She loves both of them. I asked her if she told either of them and she said no she was afraid that she would get in trouble. I told her she shouldn't get in trouble for telling her parents she loves them and wants them to get along. I was so angry I wanted to call B up and tell her what a sorry waste of skin she is for hurting her poor children like this because she is only thinking of her own selfish needs.

I didn't though I did call her and let her know her child was crying for the last past hour. She said really she's crying. I can't believe this would be effecting her so much. I told her she said that she wanted both of them to get along like the used to. B's response was She must have Used and herself confused with someone else. I told her the her DD loves both of them and she said she misses her mom and used because now she is working two jobs and she barely see used. She said yeah she she is upset because used doesn't do anything with them on the weekend, and that she can't believe that DD is so upset she has only been working at her second job for two weeks. I said it doesn't matter how long it has been it is effecting her.

I have to say I don't think the DD9 has ADHD she just doesn't have structure. Since she has been coming over here her behavior and grades have gotten noticeably better. She is a great kid. She is always dancing around and singing and full of life. That's why when I saw how hurt she was I was so angry. All I have to say is me seeing this and the way her cheating is hurting everyone around her, that I am so glad I chose to find a more constructive solution to our problems then go down temptation road. Before you dive into the temptation is a very attractive seductive thing. But then it has to be to make you want it. However you have to realize that the more attractive it looks to you, the worst of you will be if you take the bait.

I think this relationship is not as hopeless as it seems. Maybe that is just me and my optimistic side. Yesterday when her daughter said my mom has done this two times before with her dad and DD12 dad and she doesn't want it to happen again. She said I don't know if it was because of our dads' or because if our mom. I told her I am sorry she is going through all of this but if she ever needs anyone to talk to she can talk to me. I told used that if her keeps making idle threats he is never going to gain his dignity or her respect. He has to start making her see the consequences of her actions. I personally think he should put her out and keep the kids with him. Until she realizes that this time it won't be under her conditions if she leaves unlike the other times, it will force her to understand that it is not a game and all the choices she makes both good and bad are not only affecting her but everyone around her.

It is so sad she how she continues to keep lying to herself. She really wants to believe the kids won't care if she leaves used because they are not close to him that every time she sees that they do really care about him she tries her best to discount their feelings.

Used you can't just sit back and keep being passive. Worrying about how the OM will take you actions. Any action is better then inaction. It is better to make the wrong move then no move at all. The longer you wait to do anything the longer you prolong your pain and the children. I say if you put her out without the kids and she sees how lonely she will be she will see the fantasy she is living in her head for what it is. That is just my two cents.

Did you talk to her about the REAL reason why there's so much problems right now between herself and Used?

Did you mention that it was her cheating that was causing all the hurt around her?

Did you mention that her daughter had told you about noticing it happening twice before and didn't want it to happen again?

If everyone who knows about the situation minimizes the part she's really playing in the hurt and destruction, she'll minimize it as well.

Man in Motion I didn't do it when she spoke to the child because she is already sad enough. But you better believe that I went off on her a few times.

I told her she was acting like a selfish immature brat and that her kids watch everything she does and with the things she is doing does she think she is setting a good example? I told her she can't always feel good. That she is only thinking of herself and her feelings and she tried to tell me some lame excuse about the kids aren't close to Used anyway and they won't care if he leaves. I asked her if she was thinking of all her kids are just the two oldest ones. Because you have four to think of. Used DS and his DD. I told her I know that the baby is crazy about her dad. She is a daddy's girl. I know she would be heart broken. Also Used's DS has B as the only female mother figure that he really knows because he hardly ever sees his mom. What about him? Then when her DD we take care of saw Used come home she was running to meet him and she said daddy's home. Then she was getting her things together and B pulled in and she ran out and said mommy. I told B how happy DD9 was to see Used and she said no she wasn't she was talking to me. I said that is what you saw. I saw her when she looked out the window and saw him how happy she was. She didn't want to believe it. I told her she can keep telling herself the kids are not close to him, but just because she does doesn't make it true.

She said she cheated because she was lonely and unhappy. I told her so was he yet he didn't cheat. She said well he thought about it, I told her thinking about doing something and actually doing it is two different things.I told her I thought of cheating to, however instead doing it I told my DH and came here to fix what was wrong with our relationship. Looking at her and all the pain she was causing everyone around her I know I made the best choice because I sure would not want to be in her shoes. Hell she doesn't even want to be in them. She wants to run away from the pain she is causing her family. I told her she was being a coward. If she was woman enough to go out and cheat she should be woman enough to be able to handle all the pain she caused her loved ones. The fool honestly had the gall to say she can't believe everyone is getting on her case. I said ow boo hoo I can't imagine why? I asked her if she had such a low opinion of herself how can she expect anyone else to feel any differently. That men going after a married woman is only trying to get one thing and he will tell you whatever he needs to, to get him some and then when he does that he will move on to his next conquest and the only thing she will have after he used her up and threw her away like an old napkin was a path of destruction that she caused and a lot broken hearts that she has to try and mend. I told her infatuation is a fleeting feeling and it is not worth losing everything she has for someone who is willing to cheat with a married woman. If he will cheat with you he will cheat on you. Needless to say, she doesn't talk to me much now but I told her I was tired of sugar coating things for her. She needs to grow the hell up before she loses the man that really care about her, for a man that is just looking to get his rocks off. I think from what I told her that I could say Mel would be proud.