Oh I hope God and my "good guy" can find forgiveness. My ex cheated on me. He had all of my trust and violated it after 10 yrs of marriage. So, it's been 6 years since then, I am just letting my heart out for this one really "good, honest, hard working man". He is just exactly the kind of guy my folks always said I should have in my life.

We have been swirling between friendship and a romance for over a year now. He owns a carpentry business that consumes him. I sold the family property and moved into his town. He spent about a month at my property helping me renovate this bank owned home with his business. He only charged me cost for his work. We had a really awesome amount of fun. We evenutally had a short little romantic encounter on Labor Day. He has called nearly every day since we met July 28 2007. Then for 3 weekends he was simply gone without any communication. Two of the 3 weekends he called and said he was working in Vermont. I absolutely did not question him. On the third weekend when he was gone I had a melt down. He recently re-connected in some sort of relationship with his ex girlfriend who lived with him for 4 years and had been gone for nearly a year when we met. I don't know when or why but he assured me they weren't exactly "dating" and they never did have everything we had.

So, stupidly, I wrote him a huge email to tell him how scared I was that he was off in VT with his ex and that's why I wasn't hearing from him. I pretty much accused him of being with other women. He came home after working his 3rd long weekend (VT is over 2 hrs from our town) to my spilled my guts email.

He called but we couldn't talk because of my son. Next day we talked but it was brief. I sent him more emails and we started discussing the conflict by email. Another big mistake.

Now he isn't calling. He won't respond to my phone calls. I asked if we could please at least talk but he is so incredibly offended I would even think that of him he is giving me the cold shoulder.

It's been just over ten days. I've had some time to think. I liken this to a cute little happy puppy who is fine until they are cared for by a mean owner. Let's say the mean owner wears boots and kicks the puppy. Puppy gets used to being kicked by mean guy wearing boots (e.g. my ex husband). Puppy gets adopted by a new family who is all good. But puppy sees the man (good guy) has the same boots as mean guy (ex husband) and cowers in the corner from fear that isn't really necessary.

So, I hurt the good guy all because of my own insecurities. I packed a piece of luggage I didn't need with my mean ex's name on it and threw it in good guy's lap. Too heavy for him, and not fair to good guy.

Good guy has been honest and kept every promise made. I know we likely can't have a relationship. I know he needs to figure out what he wants with his ex before he ever asks me for any romance. But we had such a very nice friendship. And he is supposed to come back in the winter and do more work on my house and I do want his company to do it. Plus we live in a small town and are likely to see each other.

How do I beg his forgiveness? How can I help him understand it wasn't him and I feel sick I hurt him and accused him wrongfully?

Help! I'm no good at this dating stuff.

Hmmm.

I would "let go and let God" as they say in Alanon (a program that helps family/friends of alcoholics.

But it's good advice for ANYONE.

I really feel, after reading your post, that you should not even worry about this guy or getting back with him at all. You should focus instead on YOU. On helping yourself thru these insecurities so that you can be a more whole person next time you meet someone or down the line with this guy.

NOw is this new guy "good"? Sure, I suppose. But he's not perfect. He lacks the relationship experience to understand you and to allow you to just be yourself. If I were a guy, I'd understand you acting the way you do and saying the things you say because I have been married w/kids only to have my trust violated as well. NOt in the same way you had yours violated, but he violated my trust in many other ways.

My trust in men. Love. Marriage. Words. Promises. Vows. All warped now.

But really, think of the new guy as a lesson in your path to recovery sent from God or nature - whatever you believe in. He came along so you could learn more about you. YOu have to work on your pain. YOu have to gain the self worth to know that there is someone out there who you can be yourself with, express your concerns and worries, and have it actually be acceptable and fine. You should not have to beg this man!!!

YOu are worth more than to have to beg someone to understand you or love you. If he can't understand you or wants to be with his ex, whatever. Let this guy go cuz the more I think about it, he doesn't sound all that good to me. Maybe good compared to what you're used to, but he can't even communicate with you!? What's that? That's not right.

Well good luck.

Jen

I'm confused... You packed your bags and moved to his town to be close to him... But he still needs to figure out what he wants with his ex?

AGG

You've absolutely screamed neediness and insecurity. I feel that after one romantic encounter that you had some unrealistic expectations that were you're undoing. When you're not in a committed LTR you have no right to know anything about the other person's activities, they are free to choose who they see and how much they see you. That's what dating is.

Show him you're no longer the needy and insecure person by becoming the self-confident person. Self-confidence is sexy and will speak volumes to him about your value. This is a situation that words won't fix, you'll need to demonstrate by example that you're a better person rather than to beg forgiveness, which is also needy.

Less is more.

Many thanks to each of you for your sound advice and honesty. You are all right about a lot.

Good guy did finally email me that he isn't angry but needs some space and a cooling off period. He felt I "verbally assaulted" him. He doesn't know a lot of the details with my ex husband so I can see how he would misconstrue a lot. I just tried to tell him I was truly sorry. I never have lied to him and I'm not lying now. I was just trying to tell him, "I am SCARED!" I'm scared of being hurt again, being left again, being left behind the other women again.

When I moved it wasn't "because" of good guy. Although I wouldn't have know of this place had it not been for him. It was more a timing issue and a need to move and finding the right house in the right community.

I have been very needy. This really helped me realize I do have to work more on myself and regain my confidence. I was doing well but his decision to start dating his ex sort of out of the blue just hit an old wound in my heart that wasn't quite as healed as I thought it was.

I waited a full year after my divorce was final to even think about dating. The 2nd year after divorce I started some on line dating stuff but was afraid to even meet anyone in person. I just talked on the phone with a few people. Then my ex husband reeled me back into his life with his bait and I took it. We spent the better part of two years trying to reconcile but he never gave up his girlfriend. She was "the other woman" in our married life. I nearly killed myself trying to reconcile and honor the vow of marriage and save our family. But I did learn the lesson why we weren't together anymore and why it would never work. We are just too different. After 3 years of divorce I finally started really "dating" and "good guy" is really only the second person I even tried to date. It's really hard to date when you have been off the market pretty much since 1989! I think I waited too long in many ways. I left myself too lonely and needy.

Lots of you are more recently divorced. I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

Good news is I went back to my dating sites, I continued to work on renovating my house, I started going to Sunday mass again, and I'm more focused on my goals to lose weight and be healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

Many thanks to each of you for taking the time to write. We'll see if "good guy" and I are a "short story" or a "long story". I do kind of hope it all works out. I do think he is inexperienced at true long term committment. But this one is my responsibility. I should have kept things to HAVING FUN!!! Which we were doing with a capital F. Good guy is teaching me to be patient and be more myself. More kind.

My counselor told me to love a person is to practice E.R.A. Empathy, Respect, and Authenticity. I will respect his boundaries, and I will be clear about mine moving forward. I know we'll see each other cause I have a lot of his tools. Only time will tell. And only time can really heal my deep wounds.

But, my wounds have built my character into a woman I am proud to call me :O)

God bless!

Scared is a huge turn-off. Needy is a huge turn-off. The feeling you need to be rescues by someone (recently heard at my end) is a huge turn-off. Emotions fragility is a huge turn-off.

Replace all of the above with self-confidence and you'll be amazed at the results.

booka,

The guys that I have meet want the needy helpless type!!! The hanging all over that. And then sits, myself and 2 friends, all of us are self-reliant and self confidence, and we are sitting alone!!!

Maybe we should hit The Dog sometime and find these guys that you talk about liking self-confident women!!!!!


Dawn

Yeah I haven't found any that like the self confident/self reliant women either! But they sure do like the needy helpless ones. I'm amazed how much money men give women that they barely know. And I'm not talking about $20...I'm talking hundreds if not thousands of dollars. I would NEVER EVER take or ask for money from a man I wasn't married to. I don't care how long I would know him. I just wouldn't do it. Nor would I give money to a man unless I was married to him. I wouldn't ever want someone to think I was using them for money. What good am I if I can't support myself and my kids. I'm not rich by any means but every month somehow someway we are always provided for. Life of a single mom.

Hi SFDLMDTLA!

Just reading your post and I can feel your pain! I think you are being too hard on yourself. I think his "cooling off" period has more to do with the return of an ex than you. Your email might have been the excuse he needed to take some space and think things over. Afterall, he did back away for 3 weekends without any contact. It's not that he has to report into you but rather that this behavior was out of character for him and you sensed something.

I don't think there was anything so bad about your original email. So you got a little scared, so what! You shouldn't have to censor yourself in a relationship and I think your fear was grounded in your history/personal experiences and his actions. He did take up with his old girlfriend, right? He is taking time away from you to decide whether he wants to be with her, right? That is not you being paranoid. That is your finally honed BS radar that sensed something.

You do not need to beg and plead for his forgiveness and apologize for having feelings that weren't pretty. That part was totally unnecessary. Fact of the matter is that if you have lived life long enough, you have baggage and fears. No one is the walking epitome of confidence 24/7, especially when venturing into new waters.

So, my unsolicited suggestion(!!) would be not to apologize to this man for your email again. He does not need any long explanation as to why you were feeling the way you were. You just were and you were hoping to share your feelings with him and receive some reassurance. You did not get it (intuition?). I would be still and let him do the talking next time.

Okay, that's my 2 cents! Be good to yourself, you're doing just fine. We're all a work in progress!

Take care.

Methinks you're hanging out with Neanderthals and perhaps should change venues. I've said this before and I'll say it again, the people that we are naturally attracted to are ultimately bad for us. We have to go beyond what we're attracted to to find someone who is more like us rather than the normal opposite.

You might consider if it's withing the capabilities of where you live, etc., trying a place where professional, re businessmen hang out. There you might find someone who appreciates a confident woman.

I can't imagine what the guys that want needy are other than manipulators and controllers.

Bring your friends to The Dog. A self-confident woman is super-sexy!

Those men are motivated by the response they get from certain women that amounts to purchasing sex.

I admire a woman who doesn't need a man to complete her financial picture. I've already given up wealth once.

It takes time to regain trust, but even more, it takes time to recognize who the "good guy" is. It's been 3 1/2 since my separation, with virtually no contact with my ex since then, and I am just starting to get my clarity back.

I waited a year, also, to start dating again, and I've been in two relationships with men whom I thought were good but in retrospect, has very strong commitment fears and issues. Now, I'm in my third relationship for the last 1 1/2 years. We plan to marry. When a guy chooses you over everyone else, you will know it and you will not be given any reason to question it. He will not reconnect with an ex out of respect for you. He will resist any action that may make you uncertain about him. He will value you too much.

It's not easy for men to find good women, either. They will recognize it when you are the one for them.

I meet a guy this summer from an online site, we decided to meet about half way which ended up being Deadwood, it's a gambling town. After introductions Rodger said he needed to use the ATM and he pulled out 2 100 bills, he turned and handed one to me and I backed up and wouldn't take it. Said that I got as much fun with $1 and the penny slots. He did break the one bill into 20's and handed one of them to me, I bulked again and he said that he wanted me to play too and would I please take the money. I did but I had only used $15 of it in the penny slots when he was done with his $50 and the bigger slots.

Later he said that he was surprised that I didn't jump at the money!

I was very uncomfortable, most times I offer to pay for the meal if they drive or vice/versa. I believe in paying for my share!!! Stupid I am sure, but just me!!!!

And I still can't find a date! And booka I've been going different places to meet people!

Dawn

Daybreak,

I think you should always let the guy pay when you go out at the beginning. If you are in an established relationship, then you should share in the expenses. It's give and take from that point.

When you first meet a guy, you want to know if they are overly frugal. You want to know how he spends his money and how generous or how frivolous he will be with his spending. You don't want someone who identifies himself just by his money, but you don't want someone who wants you for YOUR money, either.

I make more than most men and I still want to be treated once in a while. I don't want some guy depending on me for my money. I do expect to share in the expenses and I don't mind if I pay more, as long as the relationship is good.

I think if you insist on paying when you first meet a guy, it becomes a power struggle and that's a big warning signal to the guy that you've got some issues there. You can't buy a guy.

Wow, thank you for so many insights. I guess there is a lot intertwined in relationships.

So, my update. To be clear I did not apologize for telling him how I felt. I apologized because he thought I said something different and made untrue and unsubstantiated accusations of his behavior. In truth he was gone 3 weekends in Vermont where I know for sure he has no cell phone coverage. I have no doubt in my mind he was working. I did not accuse him of "cheating" exactly, I tried to tell him that his renewed interest in his ex girlfriend, be it "only friends" or something more, was scaring me. I tried to tell him why. But I never told him the details of my past. In fact it reads a lot like your bio Shattered. We lived together 3 years. Married 10 yrs. I helped him raise his daughter from his first marriage age 3 to 16 and still love her. We had our son just before we split up. For three years his father lived with us til his death and I largely cared for him too. We went through a bitter and expensive divorce and didn't speak for a year. Then we tried for 2 yrs to reconcile but after all was said and done OW was in his picture the entire time. No wonder I'm scared!

But, by any measure I am smart, confident, emotionally and financially stable. I own my own home and take care of it mostly by myself. I take care of me and my son who is now 9 and have a great career. I'm proud of myself. I'm confident most times.

But when is it that we can share our most fragile and vulnerable thoughts with someone? I haven't dated much outside of "good guy" in about 19 years. I have no clue how to date.

"Good guy" is taking his time and his space and I'm trying to not let it bother me. I'm working on me. I lack confidence in my weight so back to focusing on that and getting my house in shape. It was bank owned and a huge mess so I'm knee deep in renovations and unpacking since I moved in August and the renovations have prevented me from getting too settled.

He is a good guy. He is entitled to his feelings. He has been taken advantage of by other women before me who promised for years to always love him and just got up and left... including the ex. Maybe if he doesn't have me to talk with he'll realize the two of them don't have much to say to each other. He and I could talk for hours but he told me they only talk 5 minutes at a time.

If it was meant to be it will happen. In the meantime I hope I am keeping my heart and mind open to the opportunities that I might have otherwised missed. I re-enlisted with my on line dating sites. I don't know if I'm ready to go on a date but at least it's a distraction. I would go if I really was interested. Mostly I hope he calls me and we re-connect. But not before he settles his unresolved issues with his ex. Friend or more than that they had something to settle.

When I tried to reconcile with my ex I kept hoping and praying he was serious about our recommitment. But he could never give me that. We were complete opposites. We would attract but long term we would always find conflict. My post divorce reconciliation was very painful to survive but at least I know for sure what didn't work and why and I am not at all bitter about it. I truly want him to live a good life and have a great father/son relationship with our son. I'm not angry or bitter toward him. But I will always have that "hurt".

The problem is my ex is the one who really left the hole in my heart. I was beginning to feel whole again in my new relationship. I found a guy who is good, honest, and hard working. He had been cheated on and like me has a strong distaste for the behavior. All of our interactions were positive. We didn't want to say goodbye to each other ever. Every in person time spent there was always lots of chemistry. He felt strongly for me and was terrified to share love with me. We had a lot of talks about it. Maybe he needs to tie up loose ends with his ex and his work before he can enter any serious relationship.

Time will tell on this one.

If nothing else I don't regret a moment we shared. I just regret sharing my feelings by email and knowing he felt hurt. He felt hurt based on his interpretation of my email and not reality. And I have a renewed focus on being especially good to me. I went back to church. I'm focused on a healthy diet and exercise. I'm focused on making my house a home for me and my son and feeling settled in our new town. We simplified our lives and sold the "family" homestead for a broken down bank owned property and it was likely the best decision I've made in the last 20 years. It's liberating to simplify life and have a new place and new surroundings in which to "move on".

Now if I can figure out how the "dating rules" all work instead of acting like a "wife" maybe things will go better for me? In the end, I just plan on being myself. Fragility and all. I am a very strong woman in many ways. It's a turn off for some men. They feel intimidated or think I have some outrageous expectations of them. I would work three jobs before I took money from a man. But I know some women who simply feel that is the only way they can take care of their kids. It makes me sad, but it is very true. They don't have the pride I do.

Thanks to each of you. Your advice has been very helpful.

D@mn, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I just figured out why I'm struggling so hard in the dating world. I don't know how to be a "boyfriend" or even a "date". I know how to be a "Husband", so that's how I act from day one. I've recently been talking to a girl, that seems to be going nowhere, but after spending 2 hours with her she happened to mention she wanted to pull her carpets and put in hardwood, and I was ready to go get my tools and get to work.

I pretty much already knew what my problem was, but the way you stated it seemed to give me clarity.

Thanks SFDLMDTLA

This is a phenomenon that I still don't understand. Men say that neediness and helplessness are huge turnoffs.....Independence and confident are the turn ons! My girlfriend and I when we first divorced figured that once we entered the dating world, we'd have a LINE of men waiting to take us out! After all, we were divorced with great jobs, our own houses, our own investment accounts, with grown or no children, and were not butt ugly! We didn't need a man, we wanted a man, a companion, etc.

We were SOOOOO wrong! All of the above turned them off! I had more than one fellow tell me that I made him feel inadequate - I didn't "need" him for anything........he was insulted that I never asked him to help me mow lawns, etc........

My current BF even asked me about two months into our relationship (which is now 3 1/2 years strong) after an intimate evening why I even wanted a relationship - he thought that I had everything I could possibly need......and didn't "need" a man......I spent a long time explaining the difference between a "need" and a "want".

It still baffles me.....I know so many awesome women who can't seem to find a guy - while the "bimbos" never have a Friday or Saturday night alone......go figure...

Laura

It's truly frustrating!!!

Truly, truly frustrating!!!!

Bimbos don't last. Bitching about shouldn't either. If women are "awesome" then they are confident in themselves and don't care about bimbos or any other women and their "get" of other men.

Trust in yourselves and you'll find someone great. Worked for me.