It's great that hubby is on board. Now you can present a united front and take control of your lives. Give the family time to process everything and let them know that you are doint this for the sake of the OC and your marriage and still consider the OW an interloper.

Duck, it is great you and H are now a united front against his family. What about the DNA and the legal aspect of CS and visitation? Is he "on board" with that? Being a united front against OW is more important than the family dynamics.

Duck, these ladies have some great advice. Our stories resemble very closely. One of my biggest hurts was the people that knew and didn't tell me. My uncle is a deacon at our church and the OW had started calling our church so he knew about the OC before I did!

Definitely make everything legal. We are going through that now. Hubby will not have contact with OW. She is frustrated because she always has to deal with me! She wasn't thinking about that when she was sleeping with my H! My kids are 8, 7, 5, 3. They have all taken it well. They tell EVERYONE they have a new sister. The OW had less than a 2 week relationship with my H. Now she gets to deal with ME for at least 16 more years! She doesn't like it at all! I don't like her but I can deal with her.

It gets easier. The bad days get farther apart. Like some one else said some days you feel like you can deal with it and other days its like you just found out all over again. It helps me now that it is all out in the open. Not a big secret any more.

I have had contact with the OC now and I do not harbor ill feelings toward her. She is a completely innocent almost 2yo. It helps that she really likes me. My H and I have decided she is going to call me NayNAy. We will see her this afternoon.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I know for me it has been lots of effort from H and the passing of time. I have only known since July 27 but it seems like an eternity.
Hurting

Hurting

Thanks so much for posting; it's been a rough 7 days. I am scared to talk to the OW or have any involvement with her. I really want to slice her in half but I know I’m not going to do that. I have never seen her before and not sure if I can even handle a face to face meeting at this point or in the near future. I'm not even sure how I should handle myself in the situation. I have gotten past his family even though I haven't seen them all together yet. Not even sure if I will bring it up but I believe my H will. I know he has let his sisters know that I know but not his Mom.

His relationship with his Mom is not a good one due to abuse from his stepfather as a child so I'm not surprised he didn't talk to her about it. Long story short the child was born at the hospital his mom works in so she has known for a long time.

Not sure how to initiate the legal action. What steps did you and your H take to get the ball rolling? I know the OW calls my H to see how he is doing and ask him to come see the OC. He has indicated that he has seen the child 4 times and paid for a birthday party but did not attend.

I told him the other night that there is no reason for the OW to call to see how you are doing. As badly as he has treated her I can't believe she hasn’t put CS on him by now. I believe him when he says he has nothing to do with her. I know he was extremely upset about her choosing to keep the child even though he should have thought about this before he hopped his [censored] in the bed with her but that's irrelevant at this point.

What steps did you take to restore your relationship after hearing the news?

What is he doing differently to ensure that this doesn't happen again?

And lastly how do you deal with her, do you both pick up the child from a neutral location?

Does he go alone to pick the child up from her house?

Does she call you directly?

Just curious about how you got thru it since I think you are the only one I've talked to who has recently gotten the bad news.

"Does he go alone to pick the child up from her house?"

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is just asking for more problems. You already know you can't trust her - or HIM.

Duck my first thought was to run over the OW with my car but of course that thought was fleeting. I'm not crazy just was extremely hurt at that time.

I do not let the OW have control of the situation. I think long and hard about what I will say to her. I make no bones about the bad choices she AND my H made. I do keep every thing civil! I journal every phone call, contact etc...

The OW woman makes contact ONLY through me. She calls me directly. Part of the decision she made when she crawled in bed with my H and got preg was having to deal with ME as long as her child is in MY home!

So far we have daytime drop off at a gas station centrally located but have now chosen for US to pick her up at a time that would be convenient for us so WE can take her to church. That is working so far. Night time PU is at our home. MY H picks up the child and carries her out( it is midnight) and I carry her bag to the vehicle . The OW does not get out of the vehicle.

No my husband will not go alone to pick up the OC. We have agreed no contact without me or another adult I trust.

As for my marriage my husband besides hiding this HUGE secret had been doing everything he could to make things better. We have spent LOTS of time together. Really just dating again. Trying to change those things about ourselves that got us in this position. MC has been a help and our Pastor is just asking us to call IF we need him now instead of a standing appt. I have to be more understanding and less critical towards my H in general not just this situation. Listening to each other and not taking each other for granted.

My H had never seen the child outside my presence except for the OCSE paternity test. He said he saw the back of her head from down the hallway. He had given the OW money though to keep her
shut up. When I found out we went to see an attorney about getting visitation etc... With the derogatory info we are now getting we are working on building a relationship with OC and then fighting for custody.

It gets better day by day. Sometimes it hits me and Im hurt or angry depending on what the thoughts were that triggered the feeling. The bad days are not completely gone but they are considerably less.

I would not put up with the OW calling for anything other than the OC.

Keep in touch, I would love to hear how your doing, Hurting

Well the night I have been waiting for was actually not as bad as I thought. We had dinner with the family tonight (Famous Dave's BBQ, talk about good my gosh) and he pulled me and his mom to the side and told his mom that I know about everything. His mom burst into tears and told me how badly shen wanted to tell me but she was afraid I would leave him and the family too.

I think she was more upset about losing me than us being together. I wasn't emotional at all, I think I'm all cried out at this point.

Anyway she told me that she hasn't seen the OC since the hospital and wanted to very badly but she didn't want to get involved or become attached to a child that wasn't officially identified as my H's. Some years ago something similiar happened with one of my H's uncles, the family got attached and the child wasn't his and contact was lost.

So long story short the dinner went well, had a good time and was able to keep my mind off the horrible week that just passed. Now I have to break the news to my family, and then my daughter. Not sure in what order to do it in or if I should wait until after the DNA is complete.

Hi duck, I think I would wait to tell family about OC until the paternity test is done. You never know for sure and why put yourself through that unnecessarily. We told our children when it was ok for them to spread the news. They are very excited about having a new sister and they tell EVERYONE.

Im glad your dinner with the family went well.

hurting

Glad the dinner went well and your MIL knows that you know. I hope you will forgive her. She was put in a very difficult situation. I'm sure it's a relief for her.

Since your daughter knows the baby, I would start telling about the testing when it is arranged. You can tell her that the baby is being tested, and could be her brother. That will give her some time to get used to the idea. That's my thought.

Maybe someone else will chime in.

I just told my sons that they had a sister. They really didn't ask anything, they were so excited.

Well new problem. my efforts to "force" togetherness has resulting in him say that I am smothering him. I just feel insecure right now and not sure how to fix that. I don't want to keep pushing because I see it is causing him to pull away.

We were doing so well with communication and really trying to fix the problems that caused the infidelity to begin with. Unfortunately I not in a place of trust right now obviously so I am being possesive which may not be a good idea.

One of the biggest problems I think I am beginning to see in myself is neediness. I have put everything into our relationship and not much into myself. I work, I come home, take care of the family and then it's back to work.

Maybe I need to separate for him. Maybe the issues we are having will resolve themselves over time. Right now I really think I need to focus on me and my happiness. If he is really interested in being with me and keeping our family together then I'm sure heh will let me know. Today I feel like there is nothing I can do. The other night he wanted to play poker with the guys I said okay but called him and asked him to come home in the middle of the game. While he was there I was going thru his emails and saw some instant messages he sent some woman and lost it. They were'nt even anything major just enough to set me off I guess. So long story short I asked him to come home, and he did. Once he got here I was fuming but of course he didn't know that I snooped. I told him I wanted to spend time with him, and he got mad because initially I said I didn't mind the card game. That was two nights ago. He started going on and on about how we aren't going to be able to be together because of trust.

He is pretty much trying to get of of the mess he caused because it's easier in than facing someone everyday that you know you've hurt to the core.

We haven't talked much in the past couple of days and it's probably a good thing. Every talk seems to end in angry words, blame, and accusations.

Anyway weigh in if you have some advice. I know he is not involved with the OW w/OC anymore. Actually at this point that is the least of my problems.I think keeping my emotions in check is the hardest thing to do. I have never been so erractic in my life. I want to put on a brave face but damn this [censored] hurts.

I hope this makes sense I venting and not spell checking a thing.

duck, don't you buy into his blameshifting! He has to EARN your trust back and that does not happen overnight! Are you two working through Surviving An Affair? What about counseling with the Harley's? Could you pull that off. By the way, separation is not good for recovery. You can back off some and let him come to you but it is up to HIM to be transparent with you.

You are right and I was thinking the same thing today. I will give him space, if he really wants to work this out he will come to me at some point if not then that's a wrap.

For some reason my desire to have sex is at an all time high.Not sure what the hell is going on. He is an active participant but it's not the same. He says that he is no longer involved with anyone or chatting on the internet with women so what gives.

Wait, a minute. Has he been chatting with women on the Internet AND got the OW pregnant?

I would put a keylogger on the computer and see what he is up to.

Not sure what a keylogger is but the internet is the least of my problems. I have done enough snooping thru his emails, his computer, etc. to last a life time. I don't want to know more. I want my man back and our family to stay togther.

I have forgiven the affair with the OW and I have no doubt in my mind that it is over with, and has been for a long time.I care that a baby was kept a secret from me though, hence the reason I'm here trying to work thru this for myself.

Well, if he is talking to other women, you have a bigger problem.

But if you think it isn't a problem, I guess it isn't.

How are things going now?

Please don't get me wrong. I am absolutely not okay with him speaking to other women especially on the internet. My focus right now is on working this out if possible. I don't want to snoop, I feel it will just make things worse.

Duck....how do you know that it will make things worse?? For me it made things much better. Having the keylogger which H does not know about, allows me to be sure that he is telling the truth about not having contact with OW. It also lets me know what he's doing. Do you know what to know for your own piece of mind that your H is telling you the truth?

BTW ~ A keylogger is software installed on your PC that always you to see every key stroke on that PC. It also shows you email in and out, IM's, Websites. It's well worth the money for us BS.

I guess I could try it. I'm afraid to do anything now. I question every decision I make. I just want to get past it but not sure if I can. So hurt

I don't want to be a spy. I hate being put in this position. I want to work it out but god it's hard

No. HIS CHEATING makes it worse.

Remember physics?

The same is true in adultry. For every action, there is an equal and opposite REaction.

You are REacting to his cheating by either HAVING (being forced to) snoop, or HAVING (being forced to) stick your head in the ground.

The only problem with sticking your head in the ground is that it makes your tushie a target.

What would be worse, finding out BEFORE something else crushing happens, or discovering OC#2 is on the way???