W and I seperated in June after a big blow out with MIL. W ende up filling for D.
We have been going to coaching, seeing each other as in dating and such. She seems to be doing the bare min in coaching. She does have me helping her at house with a lot of "chores" etc.
She also has OM, not sure how serious they are.
she tells me the other day, "I care but I don't think I can love you". Odd thing is that she had told me that she likes who I have become, treatment for anger issues, more than she ever has. She also allows me to be at the house a couple times a week.
She is the type that if she didn't want somebody around she wouldn't let them be there. She also told coach two weeks ago that she does have hope for the future. Now this. I don't get it. I don't thing the walking a way from her would work on her as it gives her an easy out and wouldn't keep working on us. However I am feeling like she is getting her cake and eating it too. The OM thing is eating me up, I have lost 50+lbs since June and this doesn't help. Gotten to the point where I have even looked into suicide. I do call a friend or counciler when feeling this way but no sure how long I can put up with this without it ruining me mentally.
Any ideas? What do you suggest with the W that says " I don't know if I can love you"? Keep trying, and for how long?
Thanks in advance

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#2139278 - 10/09/08 09:33 AM Re: WAW, "I care but I don't know if I can love you" [Re: ff468]
black_raven black_raven
Member


Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 246 Please seek help if you are having suicidal thoughts. Your WW's adultery is not worth your life. Anti-depressants may be prescribed.

WW is going to flip flop daily since OM is still there to influence her. Expose the affair to her family, yours, and OM's.
_________________________
BW -me
2 kids


You are the author of your life.

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#2139388 - 10/09/08 11:32 AM Re: WAW, "I care but I don't know if I can love you" [Re: black_raven]
coachswife coachswife
Member


Registered: 08/23/05
Posts: 800 Please make your post on General Questions. There is more traffic there and you will get more help.

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FF468, first thing's first - why do you want to remain M'd to your W? How long have you been M'd? Are there any children involved? Why do you believe that she is the best person for you to spend the rest of your life with?

We have been M for 4 years, no children. Seperated since July and the D will be final next month.
Why do I want to stay with her?
When things were good they were very good. She has brought so much happiness to me in the past and still does even though she tries not to. Most of the issues leading up to this point have been mine. Anger, spending money that I shouldn't, bi-polar and ego. These have all gotten in the way of me "loving" my W the way I should have. I take full ownership of that. Am also doing many things in my life to change for the better. Counceling, meds, more counceling, hypnotherapy ETC.
I Coaching we had an assignment to go back to what worked when things were good. I did that and she half azzed did. But it worked for the week or so she tried. I know with out a boudt that if we went back to that point and implement what we have learned in coaching we would have a wonderful marriage.
I adore everything about her, except the OM thing, even her faults bring a smile to my face. They just add to the total package.
I love doing things for her. Have always done little things but not enough and not when I should have. She has for the most part done some of the most wonderful things for me that anybody has ever done. She is the first person I have really conected with and truley loved. Korny as it sounds I do believe she is my soul mate.
I know it will take time for her to trust me and let me back into her heart. I am willing to do just about anything to get that back. I am even willing to forgive the OM thing and hoepfully chalk it up to her feelings and wanting greener pastures. Hopfully whe will come back to the pasture that needs so TLC but can grow into the most lush of patures.
B

This week has been better. Monday we had a great dinner and watched tv. Last Thurs the coach told me to hint to her how much she needs me to help her around the house. So I asked her in a silly way, "who takes care of you the best?". She smiled and said "you" then thanked me for all that I had done for her that day. Went to leave gave a short hug, in the past I have tried to give longer hugs, but this was short. She gave me an odd look, like she was confused. Turned around said good night and walked out the door.
Next day when she came home from work I was working in the garden, she came out to help. We also took two of the dogs for a long, 7 mile, walk. This was the best time we have had with each other in years. The converstion was smooth, friendly, she mad eye contact, shared how she has been feeling about life, joked around, talked about the future(garden, dogs, yard). All in all it was as if we were best friends again. We both even wrote that in our home work for coaching.
Another thing she did was do her home work from coaching on her own one day that I was at work. That was neat to see that she had done that without me reminding her.
Weds. I did the "I have plans" thing when she came home. We talked a bit and I said I need to go and have a great night. Again she gave a puzzled look. She wrote that down in her homework, that I gave her space without asking.
FYI. the home work is to write things that the partner did that day to make you feel loved. Fun idea, everybody should try it. I think it makes her see that I do a lot for her and she does, despite what she says, show love for me.
Thurs I made her dinner and we watched tv. She snuggled up to me on the couch and had me hold her in my arms. As soon as the show was over I got up and said I need to go. Short hug. This time she held on a bit longer and even layed her head on my shoulder. As well as the puzzeled look.
Earlier that night I had come from therapy. She noticed something was wrong. We ended up talking about what had happened in therapy. Therapy, basically told me to move on that she is a lost cause. I dissagree. Anyway, we got into the R talk. She says she doesn't know if she will love me but appreciates my changes and my effort. I think I shocked her when I said that even if she asked me today to move back in that I wouldn't. Third puzzeled look of the week. She asked why and almost seem hurt. I told her I have more work to do on myself and that she needs to get help with her mental issue. She agreed. Told her I don't even think that six months down the road would I be ready. Said earliest would be next summer. She got a huge look of relief. Asked as much an she said that is a huge load off of her thinking that I am in a hurry. Asked her that since I am doing this for me and us if she would commit to getting help. Told her I could walk away a lot easier if she could, with a clear head, tell me she didn't want me. She agreed. Even asked if she could see my Psych nurse. Now the follow through will be the test.
Anyway all in all a good week.
She admits that I take care and know her the best. She likes that.She is showing signs, again, of going to go get help for her issues. She is acting more like my best friend and not the mad WAW. Don't get me wrong that part of her shows through but is starting to get shadowed by the friend.
Some very positive signs this week. Hope that I can stay the course and keep them rolling. Only time will tell.