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TWO WEEKS AGO I FOUND OUT THAT MY HUSBAND IS HAVING AN INTERNET AFFAIR. HE MET HER ON A NETWORKING SITE FOR EMERGENCY PERSONNEL. THEY HAVE BEEN SENDING EACH OTHER EMAILS AND MAKING COMENTS ON THEIR WEB PAGES. THEY ALSO CALL EACHOTHER ON THE PHONE AND TEXT MESSAGE. SHE KNOWS THAT I KNOW ABOUT HER BUT SHE STILL CONTINUES THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. SHE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE. HE HAD MENTIONED THAT HE WAS UNHAPPY RIGHT BEFORE I FOUND OUT. I HAVE BEEN ASKING HIM TO GO INTO COUNSELING FOR 3 YEARS NOW, BUT HE ALWAYS REFUSED. HE SAID THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE HIS LIBIDO WAS JUST LOW BECAUSE OF AGE. HE HAS ONLY BEEN TALKING TO THIS WOMAN FOR A MONTH NOW.
WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT I TOLD HIM THAT I WANTED TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH. I FELT THAT LYING WAS THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE THING. HE TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME BUT THAT HE WAS "IN LOVE" WITH HER. HE SAID THAT HE WAS CONFUSED. WE ARE BOTH CATHOLIC AND DON'T BELIVE IN DIVORCE. I TOLD HIM THAT I WANTED TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD ALREADY PLANNED TO GO MEET HER FOR A WEEKEND AND THAT HE WAS STILL GOING. HE OFFERED TO MOVE OUT BUT I TOLD HIM THAT I DIDN'T SEE HOW THAT WOULD HELP. WE HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE SITUATION BUT HE STILL PLANS TO GO MEET WITH HER.
HE SAYS THAT THEY ARE JUST MEETING TO TALK BUT THAT THEY ARE DRAWN TO EACHOTHER. HE INSISTS THAT HE IS GOING NO MATTER WHAT. HE SAYS HE WILL KNOW WHAT HE WANTS WHEN HE GETS BACK.
I FEEL THAT HE HAS BUILT THIS WOMAN INTO A FANTASY THAT I CAN'T COMPETE WITH. I'VE TOLD HIM THAT WHEN HE COMES BACK THAT HE WILL HAVE TO DECIDE BETWEEN US.
SOMETHINGS THAT HE HAS SAID IN THE LAST WEEK HAVE LED ME TO BELIVE THAT HE MIGHT BE RETHINKING THIS. HE IS GOING TO DINNER WITH A MALE FREIND OF OURS THAT I KNOW IS VERY PRO OUR MARRIAGE ON MONDAY.
I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING. IF I PUSH HIM HE MIGHT REBEL AND THE NEW FOUND HONESTY THAT WE HAVE HAD IN THE LAST WEEK COULD DRY UP.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Pumpkin, I am sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.
Exposure is your best weapon. Your husband is intoxicated on an affair affair and exposure is ruinous to the fantasy. It is like turning on the lights in a crack house and bringing in a crowd of onlookers. No one likes to get high when everyone is looking.
I would call up this male friend of your husbands and tell him all about the affair. I would then call up the OW can explain to her that your H is not available for an affair. Tell her he is married and there will be no future in a relationship with him. Tell her she would never be accepted into his family and would be eternally hated by his family and your children.
Your best bet is to do everything in your power to keep this meeting from taking place where they can CEMENT their adulterous affair.
Do you have children?
Is the OW married?
The weekends are slow here, you might get more responses if you had this moved to General Questions 11. Just click on "notify" at the bottom of the post and ask the mod to move it if you want to do that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WELL, I'M BACK. HE ABSOLUTELY REFUSED TO CANCEL HIS PLANNED TRIP. THERE WERE A FEW TIMES THAT I THOUGHT HE MIGHT CHANGE HIS MIND BUT, NO. I GOT A COUNSOLER LAST WEEK. I FELT THAT I NEEDED SOMEONE OBJECTIVE TO HELP ME THROUGH THIS. I DO FEEL BETTER KNOWING THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO TALK TO SOMEONE.
NOW, TO THE STATUS OF MY SITUATION. HE WENT TO SEE HER IN VIRGINIA. HE WAS GONE FOR TWO DAYS. HE CALLED ME TWICE TO LET ME KNOW THAT HE WAS OK. I HAD ASKED HIM TO DO THAT. BEFORE HE LEFT, WE HAD SEVERAL CONVERSATIONS ABOUT WHY HE WAS DOING THIS. HE HAS GONE BACK THROUGH ALL 21 YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE AND PULLED OUT EVERY MISTAKE I EVER MADE. HE SAYS THAT I NEED TO BACKOFF AND JUST LET HIM DECIDE WHAT TO DO. HE SAYS THAT HE HAS 3 CHOICES, FORWARD WITH ME, FORWARD WITH HER, OR FORWARD ALONE. HE REFUSES AT THIS POINT TO EVEN DISCUSS HOW WE WILL HEAL OUR MARRIAGE. HE SAYS THAT HE IS NOT SURE THAT HE EVEN WANTS THAT. I HAVE NO WAY TO TELL HER BH WHAT IS GOING ON. HE IS IN IRAQ. MY WH SAYS THAT HE IS ABUSIVE TO HER.
MY QUESTION IS THIS. AT THIS POINT DO I JUST LET THE AFFAIR RUN ITS COURSE. SHE IS IN VIRGINIA AND WE ARE IN TENNESSEE. HIS WHOLE FAMILY AND ALL OF HIS FREINDS ARE ENCOURAGING HIM TO STAY IN THE MARRIAGE. EVERYTHING THAT I DO, HE SAYS IS A WAY OF MANIPULATING HIM. I AM TRYING TO SEE TO HIS NEEDS BUT HE TURNS IT AGAINST ME. HE DOESN'T TRUST MY BEING NICE OR HELPFUL TO HIM. HE SAYS THAT I'M JUST DELAYING SO THAT I'LL BE READY TO DROP A BOMB ON HIM. I WANT TO IMPLEMENT PLAN A BUT HOW DO I IF HE WON'T TALK TO ME?
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Hi Pumpkin: Your WH is following the standard script, saying and doing all of the things that they say once INTOXICATED by the AFFAIR as MEL said. Get yourself a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR so that you can read up on PLAN A. In the meantime, read up on PLAN A here on the website if you do not have a copy. PLAN A does not necessarily involve TALKING to HIM. In fact, you will not be able to TALK him out of the affair. PLAN A is all about YOU, your ACTIONS, meeting his primary EMOTIONAL NEEDS. The main thing that you need to continually SAY to HIM is that YOU want to WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE. Maintain this position REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE SAYS. In fact, try not to listen to what HE SAYS. What HE SAYS will not make sense because he is HIGH, like a DRUGGY, HIGH ON CRACK!! That is the most helpful way of looking at him and experiencing him. That will help you realize that you cannot talk or reason him out of this. And, Pumpkin, as an aside, please do not type in ALL CAPS. I tend to use CAPS for emphasis in my posts, I know. It's best though to limit the use of caps to make your posts easier to read. You've got a LONG ROAD AHEAD OF YOU but YOU CAN DO THIS!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thanks MiMi:) We had a bit of a crisis here yesterday. I found out that he used money out of our joint account to pay for part of his weekend. I told him that I didn't think that was right. We both have saving accounts in our own names that we put money into every month. He had said before that he was only going to use this money. I kow I shouldn't have made a big deal out of it but, itreally bothered me. This was proably a LB.
He responded by saying that's it he wanted a divorce. He said that he was going to move out and get an apartment. He said that he would still pay half of the bills at the house. I showed him how finacially there was no way that he could do that. I told him that with the housing crisis that there was no way that we could sell the house right now. For the first time he was acually resonable. He said that we could get a legal separation instead and still live in the house together. That way we would save money but be independent. Until we could sell the house. I told him that it could be two years before the housing crisis was over. He said that was fine. He said we would live as roommates.
I know this is not ideal. But at least with him in the house I can still work on plan A right.
Towards the end of the discussion he mentioned almost in passing that maybe he would get over what was wrong with him and we could start working on our marriage.
He keeps doing this. The other day he said he was starting to look into the kind of car he wanted to lease for me when mine is up. My lease is up in 2010. What does this mean?
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Re-read what Mimi said to you.
Don't pay attention to what he says, it will not make sense right now. Quit focusing on him and what he says and what he thinks he wants. It is unreliable and unstable.
You were absolutely right to refuse to finance his affair. It was only a LB if you made disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts. I think if I were in your shoes I'd remove an equivalent amount from the joint account and put it in my own personal account. I'd do this to protect myself financially from his reckless behavior. It's a love buster (independent behavior) but you don't want to end up unable to buy groceries because of his affair.
How long have you been M? Do you have children? When was D-Day (9/14/08?)? How long have you been in Plan A? Do you both work?
Last edited by turtlehead; 10/13/08 07:01 AM.
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I WANT TO IMPLEMENT PLAN A BUT HOW DO I IF HE WON'T TALK TO ME? As long as conversation isn't one of his top ENs you're golden. What are his top ENs? What LBs are you guilty of?
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We have been married 21 years. We were unable to have children, he always said that he married me for me, not to give him children. We both work, he's a cop and I'm a teacher. We make about the same amount a year because he has a disability from the Navy. My family has money and that is one of the things that he is using against me. He says that if we divorce I will be fine. I don't know what his EN's are he won't fill out the questionaire. I asked him to and at first he said he would but, then he said it was stupid. However, he said that one of the reasons that he was attracked to her was that he could tell her anything. Of course this was on the internet.
He says that my main LB is that I interupt him. I told him that I could work on that. Then the other day when I just let him talk he asked me if I was going to say anything. I told him that I was waiting until he was finished. He stops and thinks when he talks and sometimes it can be difficult to tell if he is finished.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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I found out that he used money out of our joint account to pay for part of his weekend. I told him that I didn't think that was right. GOOD!! I kow I shouldn't have made a big deal out of it but, itreally bothered me. This was proably a LB. As long as you do NOT do an ANGRY OUTBURST, it was NOT a LB...and even that is UNDERSTANDABLE given what you are going through...DON'T KICK YOURSELF.. He responded by saying that's it he wanted a divorce. He said that he was going to move out and get an apartment. He said that he would still pay half of the bills at the house. ALL PART OF THE SCRIPT. My H said the SAME STUFF. He wants YOU to AGREE to THIS so to relieve his guilt. I showed him how finacially there was no way that he could do that. I told him that with the housing crisis that there was no way that we could sell the house right now. GOOD JOB!! Yes, YOU must be the VOICE OF REASON. He is a NUTTY ALIEN!! He said that we could get a legal separation instead and still live in the house together. That way we would save money but be independent. Until we could sell the house. I told him that it could be two years before the housing crisis was over. He said that was fine. He said we would live as roommates. I LOL at this part. This shows you how NUTTY these ALIEN WAYWARDS can be....This is SOOOOOO RIDICULOUS... Calmly yet assertively, tell him that you will not go along with this...that you want to work on your marriage and live as a married couple..PERIOD..end of story...that you do not want to be his "ROOMMATE". Towards the end of the discussion he mentioned almost in passing that maybe he would get over what was wrong with him and we could start working on our marriage. See how he needs a VOICE OF REASON? Reinforce this kinda talk..just like he was a child..one of your students.."That's great; I think you can get over it; I know someone who can help US". I recommend scheduling an appointment with Steve Harley. The other day he said he was starting to look into the kind of car he wanted to lease for me when mine is up. My lease is up in 2010. What does this mean? It means for YOU to keep up the GOOD JOB that you are doing with PLAN A!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thanks MiMi,
I can't tell you how much your encouragement means to me.
Today he had to have 5 teeth removed. This was major surgery. Obviously she could not be here to help him. I took today and tomarrow off from work so that I could help him. I saw this as a great oportunity to show him what a wife could do that an OW can't. I arranged everything. We had a good morning. I monitored his pre-op drugs, took him eat right on schedule, got him to the office exactly when he was supposed to be there. We even joked around a little at lunch.
The surgery went well. When we got home I had forgotten that he had to have gatorade so I put him to bed, and went to the store.
When I got home he was on his phone. I brought in his drink and asked him if that was his mother. In normal times it would have been. He said no it was her. He said that if I thought his mother should be called I could do it.
Well, I lost it a little bit. I told him I was going for a drive. He got mad and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was not willing to be another woman's boyfriends wife. "I stole this off of one of the posts"
When I left I took my phone. I was really burning.
A good thing however, I did call his mom. She knew about the affair but he had spun it that it was all my fault. I explained what I learned on the posts here. I told her that I needed her and his sister to really work on him.
His sister and him are really close. I told her that it was important that they made clear that they do not support him in what he is doing. She is totally on my side. She said that she would talk to his sister.
This way if he asks her she can say that she has not talked to me.
He told me tonight when things had calmed down, that I needed to find another man. I told him that I had found my man and that I was not giving him up. I told him that the OW needed to find another man.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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I told him that I had found my man and that I was not giving him up. I told him that the OW needed to find another man. WONDERFUL!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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So, now it's Thursday. It's been like I've been on a rollercoaster all week. The surgery was on Monday and except for the 1 LB when I left everything went fine. I was the caring wife. His mother called on Tuesday. She really lit into him about leaving me for the OW. He was still on lots of drugs from the surgery. He yelled back at her. I went outside and called my friend Glenna who is a lawyer. She had done our wills and I was starting to think that plan B was going to come on faster than I originally thought. He told me that he was planning to go see the OW again in November for a week.
There is no way I'm helping to pay for that. I've been researching legal separations for Tenneessee. I told him that I had called Glenna and left a message for her. He acted completely indifferent of course. He had been calling and messaging the OW. I just ignored it and took care of him.
Well, at midnight he calls me into the great room and tells me that he had just sent the OW an e-mail saying that he had decided to leave both of us. He said that he was going to quit his job and go somewhere away from both of us.
Well, I kept my cool and told him that there was no way that the courts would let him walk away from all of his financial responsibilities. I also told him that I didn't see why he should quit his job, when he loves it so much. I told him that I did not think that he was thinking straight.
I suggested that if he couldn't stand living in the house anymore that I would support him moving out or even into one of those hotels that rents by the week. I affirmed that I was still willing to work on our marriage whether he stayed or left.
I then went back to bed. An hour later he called me back down and said that he thought that we should go away for the weekend. He said that he wanted me to go get my hair done and buy a new dress.
He said that he was going to ask the doctor for viagra in his appointment on Wednesday. He thought that maybe if we tried to have a romantic weekend that maybe he would believe that we could make it.
On Wednesday I called to check on him. He said that he was in a lot of pain from the surgery and that he thought something was wrong. He also said that he thought that maybe I was right about the OW and that maybe he was “just her boy toy”. I had said that in one of our fights (major LB).
I came home to take him to the doctor. He was on the phone with her. I took him to the doctor. He finally told the doctor everything (I’ve only wait for 4 years with ED). When we came home I told him that I needed to ask him something for my own understanding. I asked if he had told OW that they would have NC. He said no that he had told her that they would have to be just friends. He showed me that he had closed his page on the networking site were they had met. He said that they would just e-mail and talk as friends. I told him that that was not acceptable to me. He said that it would take him sometime that he realized that he was blind and in a fog and that he was trying. I left it there.
When he called her later I stayed right next to him. He talked a while and then got up and started walking around. He couldn’t help himself, he walked out of the room still talking and then finally outside. (Failed test)
I went to bed.
Thursday, took him to the doctor again problem with his mouth was fixed. This afternoon I went and got my hair done, bought a nice dress. While I was out, I started to get depressed. I had asked him if we could watch a movie or baseball game together with the phone and computer turned off. He said no.
I’m starting to think there is no point.
When I came home he was in the bedroom. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I had a headache and just wanted to relax.
He called me in the room later and asked me what was wrong. He said that he liked my hair. I told him that I felt like I was wasting my time. I told him that if he planned to go see her next month that I would defiantly file for legal separation. He said that seemed to be the direction that things were going.
I also told him that it was cruel for him to make me think we were going to have a weekend if he did not mean it.
I told him that I was worried that he was ruining his life and that he wouldn’t let me help him.
Plan B imminent?
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Another rollercoaster day on Friday. We had a power outage this morning. He had asked me to take him to get his haircut and to the mall today, (he is still on meds). I told him that I would. The power came back on just as we were ready to leave. We had our coats on and everything. He went back into the bedroom. I thought that he had forgotten something. When I went to check on him, he was on the computer. I asked him what he was doing. He said that he was reading his e-mail. I walked back out. He could not even wait until we got back to see if she had written him while the power was out.
I did not say anything about it (did not want to do an LB). We went to the mall. I was very quiet which is unusual for me. I just did not want to talk to him. My friend called while he was looking around the store. I told him I was going out of the store to take the call.
He seemed very angry when he came out of the store. My friend is a lawyer and I guess that this made him feel insecure. I’ve already told him that she is just talking to me as friends.
I feel like a cigarette that has been crushed.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Hi Pumkin,
So sorry you are here. A few things to know. You only know a fraction of the iceberg. He did not meet her a month ago. He will take $ from accounts, etc. He is no longer the man you know so don't expect him to respond in the way you become accustomed - that is to say, with morals.
Do not go overboard trying to please him. This is going to push him away. You can tell him you would like to save this marriage but it is very important for him to know you are ready, willing and able to walk away if necessary. No crying, etc. Be strong and do not give him your vulnerability. Do that here.
In my humble opinion (and from personal experience), when he knows he has you on the hook, he is going to continue cake eating. Just remember, usually no man is completely sure that they are doing the right thing by walking away. He is torn inside. You cannot push books and marriage counseling at him at this stage of the game. He will back away faster and further. You need to present yourself as emotionally strong and a very attractive partner, either for him or for someone else. Try and detach.
In my experience, they are only going to think about what they are leaving behind when it is no longer on the table. As long as he knows you are willing to put up with his stuff and kiss up to him at the same time, he will continue to do so as looooong as he likes.
Good luck and stay here. It will help you through this.
Me/BS 48 Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05 WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05 WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06 12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture) 2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late. WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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Wow, you really summed it up. That's why I like veterans on here, they've been through it, seen it all, already learned it.
I thought it was interesting that he brought up the boy toy remark, it shows it's been eating at him and he's doubting her love for him, that is good. You might have softly answered that he wasn't a boy toy to you. It would be good for him to realize the difference between having a loving committed wife and a fling-person. Vastly different ball game!
I agree that he will continue cake eating as long as he can and only until he realizes he could lose you will he stop and think. It's also good to not cajole them too much, rather than appreciating it, they disrespect you and treat you worse for it.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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It’s 11:20 on 10-17-08
I think I blew it. He got on the phone with her in the other room about 9:00. I sat in the great room trying to balance our checkbook. No concentration at all. I could hear him talking to her in the other room even though I could not understand what they said. I started shaking and I couldn’t stop. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Finally, I walked into the room that he was in. I told him that I was sorry that he had to leave. I said that I loved him and that I did not want this but that I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He told his girlfriend to hold on and very coldly listened to what I said. I told him that I wanted my marriage back but that he was getting worse not better. I reminded him that he told me on Wednesday that they were just going to be friends but that he has been on the phone or online with her every night since.
He coldly looked at me and told me to leave and shut the door. I hope that she heard everything. I can only imagine what he has been telling her.
He walked out of the room about 20 minutes later all dressed and with a bag. I handed him a carton of cigarettes and he walked out the door without saying a word.
What do I do now. I know that he is still checking his email because he took his computer with him. I have looked for Dr. Harley’s book surviving the affair everywhere and can not find it. I’ve read on site about plan A and plan B. I’m going to read them again before I go to bed.
I feel like my husband has been kidnapped by aliens.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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I'm sorry, Pumpkin.
You fell right into his trap.
It's in the WAYWARD SCRIPT.
You did exactly what HE wanted you to do.
That was his PLAN.
Same with my husband. He tried to get ME to throw him out so he could blame it on ME and not the AFFAIR.
The thing for you to do is to say that you are sorry and let him come back home...that you want to work on your marriage.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I knew that I was but how am I going to let him come home without looking weak? How long am I supposed to let him spend all night talking to her and only talk to me when he needs something?
Thank God your on tonight Mimi.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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I knew that I was but how am I going to let him come home without looking weak? You look WEAK by losing your EMOTIONAL CONTROL and allowing THEM to CONTROL you. You look STRONG when you SPEAK UP and CALMLY and ASSERTIVELY tell him that you will FIGHT for YOUR MARRIAGE. That's how I gained my husband's RESPECT which makes you MORE ATTRACTIVE to HIM..by the way. How long am I supposed to let him spend all night talking to her and only talk to me when he needs something? I can tell you have not read up on PLAN A. You can order SURVIVING AN AFFAIR from this website. Get it as soon as possible. You will not CONVINCE HIM of anything. You will not be able to TALK HIM out of his AFFAIR. PLAN A will be all about YOU changing. YOU working on YOURSELF. No LOVEBUSTING. No SELFISH DEMANDS. No ANGRY OUTBURSTS...meeting his primary EMOTIONAL NEEDS..AND..AND...negotiating an end to his affair...but not INSISTING and DEMANDING for him to end it. APOLOGIZE. Tell him that you were, of course, HURT by his ACTIONS tonight. INVITE him back home. He THINKS that he has gotten a FREE PASS to be with her. Don't give him that.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I am NOT advocating for you to say it's OK for him to spend time in the other room talking to her.
When he comes home, go in the other room where he is.
Make him have to sneak.
Tell him THAT is NOT OK with you.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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