Here is my story. Just found out my H of almost 10 years (together for 14) has been having an on and off A for 2 years. He is 34 years old and the OW is only 20. We have three boys together and his oldest son lives with us. Over the past few years he has been working almost all the time.

After much research, I believe I have came to the conclusion of how we got to this point. I was not meeting his needs and we were not together enough to give him the sexual attention he was desiring. The OW is a very young and not the kind that gets very much attention from the young men her age, so she started seeking it from my H. I believe he then made the mistake of giving in to tempation once and his guilt made him more distant with me as time went on.

He has said all the typical things: He loves me but does not feel drawn to me anymore because I didn't take care of myself, he is not sure if we should have gotten married, he is just really confused, he is not sure if he has feelings for her. He has told me that he tried to break things off with her several times but always went back and he does not know why. He has told me that he still loves me and I am still his best friend.

At this point, he has left the house. He says he needs some time and space to be alone figure things out. We have a counseling appointment set up in a few days. My problem with the space and time thing is that he is not alone and does not have his own place to stay yet. I know he has been staying with her some days. He has also told me that he is only using her to distract from the pain he is going to feel when he is alone and that he does not see a future with her.

Because of his childhood, he is very good at putting up a wall around his feelings. One minute he says he is keeping his mind open to us working in the end, but most the time he talks as if he never plans on coming home. I know when things finally hit him as to what he has done, he will be very depressed.

My question is, is there anything I can do to help make him realize this sooner and let her go?

I have read through the plan A and plan be info, but not sure if i should be doing plan A since he has moved out.

I have explained all of my feelings to him and have told him I am willing to figure this out and meet the needs that I wasn't if he is willing to do the same. But he will not let her go.

Please help with any advise you may have, I feel really stuck right now. I don't know whether to try to keep him close or push him away.

Thanks.

In some ways Plan A is easier when they're moved out. On the one hand, you have fewer opportunities to Plan A, so you have to make the most of each one. One the other hand, you don't have to be "turned on" 24 hours a day. That gets exhausting much faster.

So sure, take advantage of each and every opportunity to draw him closer to the family. He'll be unreasonable, he'll be angry, he won't be fun to be around. Just do the best you can to meet his needs anyway, and make your home an inviting place for him to be.

Nothing you have said indicates that this is anything but a typical, garden-variety affair. Your chances of recovering your marriage are very good. Your chances of recovering yourself are 100%, if you want them to be.

Welcome to MB, the best place to be under the circumstances.

You can ask him to come back home.

That is best to work on your marriage and to do PLAN A.

I have asked him to come home, however, he says he needs time away and to be alone right now. But since he has not gotten his own place yet (but I know he is workng on it), he has been a lot of time at the OW place.

The tough part for me about doing Plan A with him out of the house is because I know that the need I was not meeting was the sexual attention. How do I do that with him not around?

He is saying at this point that he does not see a future for us, but I have known him for a long time and feel he will come to his senses.

HAve you exposed this affair? What about the OW's parents? I think a phone call to them asking for their help would be very effective. If my 20 yr old was having an affair with a married man, there would be he11 to pay.

I agree with Melody. Her parents need to know. She's still a child no matter what she thinks. I would tan my daughter's behind if I found out she had an affair with a married man. And one almost twice her age!

The best way to get your marriage back is to expose the affair. To anyone who can make a difference. If they work together, you'll have to expose at work so they never see each other again. You do that FIRST. Then Plan A. He'll be mad, but you have the right to save your marriage after he betrayed your family. Keep reminding yourself that. Being nice and accepting what he's doing will NOT make him give it up - it'll just make it easier for him to cake eat.

Expose, then Plan A.

Thank you. I think telling her parents is the right thing. The only problem is that I don't even know her last name let alone how to get a hold of her parents. Any ideas?

The only problem with exposing it at work is that I am there all the time and not sure if I want everyone to know. Also, we have a seperate business inside the place and it might be an awful thing for that. We don't need to any more financial hits right now.

All I know is her cell phone number. Is the only way to reverse search it to pay?

You can try whitepages.

Are you working on all of the things that hubby complained about BEFORE the affair?

The whitepages don't work because it is a cell phone.

Yes, I have started working on things. I also made sure he knew that while the affair was not my fault, I know there are things I could have done better and have made sure he knows that I will do them better now if he gives me that chance.

Work on those things and DO them.

Have you done a search on Intellius and whowhere?

I have found out her last name, but it is a very common last name. I am not sure if her parents live in the same area or not. How do I find out who her parents are?

Have you tried Intelius and Zabasearch? You should be able to find her relatives at least.

Okay, so here is what I found out. This girl already has nothing to do with her family, so that is no help. Like I explained before, the work thing is hard. All of his family knows and are on my side, but now he just won't talk to them.

He goes to his first counseling session on Tuesday and he is letting me come with. I told him I would like to give the counselor an outside point of view of what has been going on with him. He agreed that I could come with.

How do go with Plan A with him out of the house? Just keep talking to him and being there? I know the major issue was the sexual attention and that is pretty hard to work on when he is out of the house and obviously getting that elsewhere right now.

Help, I am so stuck. It seems like the only way we are going to get her out of our lives is to wait until he is ready. However, the thought of him spending his time with her is driving me insance. HELP

I am not one to give myself kudos for almost anything, but in this case I think I need to.

I did a Plan A for almost 9 months and given the circumstances it was BRILLIANT. Did I get the result I wanted, NO. WH is still gone and now I am in Plan B. I won't lie to you, I feel like it failed, but let's forget my warped sense of reality and work for you.

First, there is a saying on here by many people for us who are GODDESSES, HEAD UP, CHEST OUT. You are the WIFE and therefore you have entitlements that you don't even understand or realize.

Mimi and so many others was a master at getting me to understand how much going for me I had. I would suggest you read through my thread, it's long, sorry and see some of the stuff I pulled of. I knew that I knew my H better than anyone and that at that time he still existed, I went reaching for him. I owned all the stuff that I did wrong in my M. And I went after my H, not the WH. I learned to recognize which man I was dealing with.

Around here they say to Plan A the husband and Plan B the WH. So become very good at that. Start thinking about what are the most important EN's for your husband. If SF is one, the start being creative on how to entice him. I'm not saying whether ou should or shouldn't be involved with your H physically, especially with the threat of diseases nowadays. I'm just suggesting there are ways to entice him back.

Don't give him any reason to be mad at you, but have to rethink what he is doing. Think about what he likes, and make it happen. My H loved fudge, I made him fudge. In fact I never made fudge before. Did it bring him home, BUT he reacted by calling me and asking me about the snow in our area. Pretty stupid you would think except in order to get to his house he went through my town where he would know it's snowing. Not only that, it was the first time since D-day where he called to see if I was ok. So it was HUGE.

Remind him of your good past, every chance he got. Seek him opinion on the children, etc. Mimi kept reminding me that I knew my husband better than anyone, better than my crack ho. Go after that part with all your strength.

Oh, the most important, have FUN. You are doing YOUR plan, go do what YOU want and have fun at it. I pulled off some very fun stuff and I'll get to look back and know I did EVERYTHING HUMANLY possible to try and save my marriage.

In the end I didn't get what I wanted, but I did get my self respect, I have become a person that G-d can be proud of and I still hold out hope.

Queenie- Thanks, I will definitely keep that in mind. I know my physical appearance has a lot to do with it and I am working on that but it takes time, so maybe I just need to have a little more patience.

I hate that he is spending more time with her now though. But maybe by doing that it will get old. I mean they are 14 years apart and he has a son who is only 5 years younger than her, but who knows. Has anyone ever found that the excitement of the A decline once the sneaking was not a factor?

Also, any ideas on helping me get through this time without always thinking about where he is at?

Thanks to all of you.

Yes, I understand about the physical appearance thing. I weighted 327 lbs on D-day. I lost 87lbs but have gained back almost 40 lbs.

Unfortunately some would say yes but in my sitch it hasn't happened at all. In fact they seem to be getting closer and closer.

Time and effort unfortunately. It hurts, there is a process that you have to go through individually and the timing is yours. To this day I still think about him, albeit not nearly as often.

I was told to change my thinking when it happens. Sometimes it worked other times, there was no way. A friend of mine lost her son back in February. She received a card that I think helps me alot. It was about the wave of grief or emotion just comes in when it wants, not when I am prepared. There isn't much you can do but ride the wave and hope it receeds fast.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THE GIRL HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER FAMILY? abm, did you follow any of our advice and expose this affair?