something horrible just happened, i discovered new lies and I lost t, I gave him an ultimatum
-Put all the facts to light or this will not work
-Give me the user id and passwords to your accounts, both the known ones and the secret ones
-He said, I cannot do that now
-Why, what will be different later on
-I don't know
-So you then choose to destroy the marriage before you give me user/ids passwd.
-He started packing,
-If you go this is a divorce
-He said ok and left

I called his family and told them, pretending this last affair was the first one.
Just told them, he had another woman and now he is gone
I did it out of anger and revenge

I have destroyed my marriage out of my own stupidity
He must hate me now that I told his folks
It is over
I feel horrible

Well, don't feel horrible just yet. Ultimatums are never good, but you did what you did.

You exposed the affair to his parents and that is excellent. You stood up for yourself and let him know your boundaries. Good job.

All of this is like riding a rollercoaster, and right now the roller coaster is going DOWN. But give it some time. Don't call him, don't beg, stick to your boundaries, and let's see what he does next.

This is one of the most ridiculous statements that I have read on these forums in an awfully long time. And this forum if filled with BS self haters. But since you obviously believe it to be so, it is probably correct.

Pitiful, just pitiful.

So this is A #3? Going back and looking at your original posts, there may be some merit to the "self-hater" comment. There might be more underneath the surface than simply being married to a serial cheater.

Hi TLN,


I don't know the details of your situation. Given the info above, what you are asking is not unreasonable...except maybe EXPECTING what seems to be a WS deep in the fog....to agree to it! ...and what is even more ineffective?... giving WS an ultimatum!

...because in so doing, you are actually making it EASIER for WS to blame you for EVERYTHING that is happening.


...and worse than that....you AGREEING with WS and blaming yourself!

...making yourself RESPONSIBLE for everything may give you the 'impression' that you have some control...by joining WS in blaming yourself, you are only making it even more PAINFUL experience for you...because the reality is....you can't CONTROL what your WS decides or does.

If you don't really WANT a divorce (YET!)...and what you DO WANT is to work on M recovery (WS ending A and N/C with OP being one of the conditions).... this part you own...and need to clarify with your WS...and leave it at THAT.

If WS does not wish to end A and not committ to N/C with OP (HIS choice!).... before divorce, MB suggests Plan B (N/C with WS) to allow WS to LIVE the consequences of his choices and allow you time and space to start healing the wounds...

If you are not already familiar with the concepts of MB, I encourage you to read up on them to help you become aware of the dynamics involved in affairs, and some of the options available to you as a BS.

Start reading up on the MB principles - specifically about plans A & B. Exposure is a GOOD thing.

After almost one year of false recoveries, broken contacts, lies, secrecy, etc. I did the same thing. You can only take so much.

Jennifer advised me to write a letter, apologizing for my outburst, state the facts - we can have a recovered M but not with a third person in it - and express your willingness to try to make it happen with his help. If you have done a good Plan A, then there isn't much more you can do. If no response, go to a very dark Plan B. Above all, as Believer said, do not beg, plead, cry. You will look pathetic and needy.

My sense is that you have allowed this guy to cake-eat 'till the cows come home. 3 A's? C'mon now. This says you have no boundaries, and if you have none how can you expect him not to do whatever he wants?

And yes, just like with my WH, you gave him the excuse he needed to leave. But sometimes that's OK. It gives the the opportunity to find out that the OP isn't the princess that they thought she was.

I understand this so well. And I would agree, it helps the BS to have some control over a situation where there is NO CONTROL.

I agree with everyone else, read up on Plan A and B, come here to strategize what you are going to do and the hard part of all is learning to take care of yourself or even like yourself, then worst of all, learning to love yourself. Because if your WH is a serial cheater, then there could be something inside of you that says that behavior is ok or you deserve it.

I am so NOT the one to say that's crap or you are silly to blame yourself, or what's happening because it's not your fault....etc. Because sadly I do this very often, expecially when I am struggling personally.

I don't know if you are a spiritual person or where G-d plays a role in your life. As my my journey unfolded I had to come to accept that there was something bigger going on. G-d was having HIS WAY in my life. I had become a person who needed to change for me and that's where these plans are priceless. It give you a starting point to start to look at.

There are so many vets and amazing support on here. I don't know your story, but know that you have the best walking you through it.

I know I am not having the most positive approach right now.
I am so hurt that what I want seems imposible
my baby needs a haircut, this is overdue but not done before because he didn't want to cut his son's hair
Because it is about the baby, I called him and let him know I am taking him today for a haircut.

He didn't care, ok, it's fine he said. I am so hurt I dont' matter to him. I know the important thing is that I matter a lot to me and my baby, but I love my h and it is so hard not to be loved back.

I can write a letter, but I doubt it will have any impact on him

P.S. I am a believer, I talk to HIM and he answers more than I admit. It seems he is not back with that woman, he is just not wanting to reveal his secrets, that is the most precious thing to him.

Ok, I am just asking some gathering questions. I have been on here long enough to know more things, but I am always leery to offer advice with the plans. So I always disclaim that when in doubt and you get conflicting information from me or a vet, go with the vet, their smarter and understand the plans better.

I can only give you my experience, strength and hopes.

Do you understand that your WH is in an active addiction? Do you truly understand what that means?

First rule, and this is so HARD, what you do can't be done looking for the reward, result or expectation.

Waywards are not human beings right now. They are totally and completely out for themself. Around here it is commonly referred to as being abducted by aliens and taking to the mother ship, the one that stays behind is a monster.

That's why its so important to start learning when you are dealing with your WH and you H because they are two completely different people.

If you are on recovery nation, there are bigger problems than multiple affairs.

Can you really concentrate on yourself? Do your lessons there. Find a counselor. Go to a 12 step support group. There's S-Anon and COSA. Work on yourself. Figure out your boundaries. IMHO, recovery nations is a better place for you to be, right now. Better support for the real issues.

The marriage doesn't have a chance to be repaired until he is sober and in recovery and you are healing yourself. Plan A and Plan B just won't work for you right now. And they won't as long as your husband is still acting out.

ETA: Your husband is not able to love your right now. The only thing he loves and wants is getting hits of his drug of choice. This will remain, until he is sober. Until he is sober you will always come second to his addiction.

Very well put.

Actually after rereading this post. Is your husband actively using and drinking?

I am doing the workshop at recovery nation
But I am only on lesson 6, this morning the site was down.

So, no, I don't understand what that means.

All I know is that i am fighting my desire to call him, to hold him by playing with my baby, when even that is not enough I just put memories of his affairs on mind so it brings up what having him back really is, or has been.

At times I think I can do this, at times i am certain I can not.
I am usually better than this. I am struggling more than ever.

No drugs or alcohol, he doesn't even smoke cigarettes
He is a love/sex addict
Although he swears there was never any sex

IRN,
I don't know enough about addictions yet, I am lost as to how to deal with him. And i have to because we have a child.

We also have bills together and a house to sell on shortsale.

i have no problem being cordial, but can I not ask him how is his therapy going? Most importantly if he is still interested on saving the marriage?

How does that work?
I mean, how will I know if he is 'sober' if I no longer know anything about his life? So fas we have only exchange information on the baby. When he came yesterday to look for some stuff, he brought more teething tabs that were needed

Right now, you are going to have to take good care of yourself and your baby. That is all you can do. Let hubby go, and maintain your boundaries and work on YOUR recovery.

The good people at RN is telling me the same, I am in tears, this is my response

http://www.recoverynation.com/general/sa/partners/pp001.html

This all means I have to put my marriage or divorce on hold, it is too hard, I don't know if I can.
It takes time you say? Then shouldn't I let him really go and start dating?
I hate this reality, I just don't know if I will ever be happy with him again?!
I can't take it
What happened with the partner supporting the addict or something like that
I can't do this!!!

If I stay as it is I am "waiting for him" if I divorce I am ending all chances, this is just not right, i can not take it!!!! I just can't

Of course you can do this. All of us got through it.

You don't want to get a divorce - put that on hold. You need to earn your way to recovery.

And it does take time.

But you can do it.

What is recovery nation